Link to character workshop topic:
Matty!
Rank Applying For: Novice
At least three of your recent role play topics:
Dueling Club Practice
Sweating in the Rain
All Fall Down
Why you feel that you should move up:
I think I've adapted quite well to WR, all things considered. Even though this is my first Harry Potter roleplay. I've found adapting to such a free-form a bit difficult in that the lack of rules, at the same time its quite refreshing. Matty is proving to be one of my favorites as I've been thinking she's quite fun for using transfiguration and conjuring spells especially. Whats more creating them are just as fun as well.

I'm hoping that my 13 years of Roleplay experience across the board in all forms has prepared me for at least novice level ranking. While I can't claim perfect writing ability, I think I've managed to handle all five senses quite well. Though any suggestions are always helpful.

Also Dueling Club is an Open thread, more participants would be nice!

HELLO DARKARMA. I AM LILY and it looks like I'll be your first reviewer today! (: So without further ado, let's...BEGIN. <3

Profile.
I will actually be reviewing this, like, right after I do this review, but from what I've read, it seems to be pretty solid! I'd just explain the whole martial arts thing a bit more - personally, I didn't feel like looking up ninjutsu etc and...well, readers are lazy. So just do a bit of explanation, and, of course, keep expanding and adding to your profile as you get to know Matty better!

Posts.
Dueling Club Practice
Nitpick - I see this a lot, and it bugs me, but I have the same problem sometimes so don't stress too much about it:

Should be "Her hands were..." Again, just watch out for sentence fragments - sometimes they're very effective, but they have to be REALLY logical to be effective. And as for your OOC commentary - try to work some of that into the post itself! Or even offering a translation right after the word - it gets rid of unwanted suspense, haha, and it also lets the entire post sort of fit together more neatly. Otherwise, thought, I love Matty and how she interacts with other people. (:

All Fall Down
I would just like to say that sentence fragments/awkward commas aside, you're a wonderful writer. <3 I am looking forward to stalking following this topic!

GENERAL - yeah, so, just watch the wording, the grammatical and technical aspects of your posts. Other than that, they look fine - completely appropriate for Novice level!

Verdict.

I hereby declare you.........
APPROVED FOR NOVICE. Keep working hard, and I hope to see you climb your way up!

Hello there.

So, after reading through your posts and profile, I would have to agree with Lily, and I feel you are definately at the novice level. Your posts are of a decent length, and I can see a lot of potential for you to go far with your character! Listen to what Lily has suggested of you - she knows her stuff like woah!

So a suggestion I would like to give you is this - Do you write your posts in word? If not, it might be a good idea to at least copy/paste them into Word, so it can catch some of your grammatical and spelling errors that can be easily fixed. Oh - and watch out for run-on sentences!

I approve your advancement to Novice.

Hello! I will be your final reviewer.


In reference to your profile, it meets all the requirements for novice. I would suggest that you expand your persomanlity section to explain some of the things your character doesn't like about herself, even if it is something tiny, a lot of people are embarassed of things that other people don't even notice.

I agree with what everyone else said on your posts. If you don't have Word you can find a grammar/spell checker online. Also, reading your posts after you post them helps a lot as well.

I'm gonna quote one thing:

You shouldn't have to include this at the beginning of your post, it should be explained in your post. I actually thought I was looking at an Owl Post.


I approve you for Novice.

Link to character workshop topic(with original and revised posts): [Workshop]
Rank Applying For: Intermediate
At least three of your recent role play topics:
Dueling Club Practice [Continued]
Rolling Thunder of Transfiguration Practice [Recent but not new]
Desire fo Rorrim eht GnitagorretnI [New][No Replies]
The Angel is in her Heaven, all is wrong [Recent and new]
Why you feel that you should move up:
I believe that WR has helped me re-attain the level I'm at after my skills atrophied from lack of use over the last year. Intermediate is where I believe I've leveled off at and where I'll be for a while. That and Matty has helped me explore some my writing ability when the posts aren't just combat oriented. As such it has been a different sort of challenge that I've enjoyed working on. I hope you enjoy her too.

I also believe I've managed to cut down seriously on the number of run on sentences that I tend to write.
Special request:
Wandless Magic
Justification:
Well I've worked it up a bit both in character and her history that she has a great deal of accidental magic problems even in her third year. Going along with that I've decided a progression where at first she'll be slinging raw magic around before she can create clearly defined spells. It won't be until Clash that she'll be able to do anything highly advanced.

As for the progression itself, at first she realizes that she's finally figured out how to channel her magic without a wand and how she managed to do it once all those years ago. Starting off she'll be able to create sparks, balls, small booms, and eventually something akin to fireworks display. As she progresses minor cantrips such as levitation, unlocking spells and their ilk will be relearned. Her transfiguration skills will be the first however to manifest in this way.

And what better justification can I give other than Matty has stubbornly been trying to do it since she knew she was magical. Though with little to no success. Think of it as an early birthday present for her!

Thank you for your time and your willingness to consider my request.

Hi there! It looks like I shall be your first reviewer!

First things first, threads submitted for previous rank reviews may NOT be submitted again. So, I will not be looking at your first thread at all.

Actually, first I'm going to peruse your profile.

The thing that jumps out at me right away is your sentence structure. I feel like you're trying too hard not to use commas. Yes, comma overuse is a common mistake, but it can be just as bad not to use them. Your sentences tend to run on and just feel very long winded.

You have two, possibly three sentences mushed together in that one sentence, and it really doesn't work. You do this a lot.

I appreciate that you are trying to do your profile in a different way with the interview thing, but all of the random interruptions kind of bug me. Is there maybe a way you could do it without all of the parentheses? Maybe do it like a post, where the words are in quotes? The way it is right now bugs my eyes and my brain. It makes it hard to read.

Random comment:

I've NEVER heard someone speak that way about them self. This really seems like the only instance you do it, which confuses me even more. It would make a lot more sense for her to say "While I didn't earn my black belt..."

You have a lot of grammar errors in your profile that lead me to the conclusion that you did not look it over before posting it. For example:

Aside from those two glaring errors the sentence in itself is still not spectacular.

Random nitpicky thing, it's "Godric's Hollow", with an 'O,' not "Godric's Hallow" with an 'A.' Unless you're making up a new place.

ALWAYS proof read. And I suggest reading your posts aloud.

Alright, enough about spelling and grammar and such. Now on to content.

Matty is...interesting, to say the least. But I feel like it's too much. She's half Japanese and part Irish and Scottish and English, she grew up in multiple places, her dad works for movies, her mom is famous, she's 13 and can speak better than some grown adults I know, she is a transfiguration genius, she knows all these spells no one else knows, she likes girls, she started school early, and so on and so forth. It's a lot of stuff and you're bordering on Mary Sue here.

Now from just reading your most recent update of your profile I get absolutely nothing about what sort of person Matty is, what she looks like, anything like that. She reads unrealistic and entirely too special. So I looked up at your previous post.

Questions that come to me from your previous post:

• How and why do her eyes glow in the dark?
• Freckles are, by definition, darker than one's natural skin color, so how is her face inverted?
• What is up with her hair color? Why is it so many different colors?

There were more but I decided to stop. You have a sort of outline there, but I want more. I want to see a realistic person take shape before my eyes. I want real flaws that Matty has and has for a reason. I want realistic personality traits that are well explained and I want to see some sort of explanation behind why Matty is that way.

Why is the best question you can ask yourself when writing about your character, and it is the one I am going to ask most often. Don't just tell me about Matty, tell me why that is.

You have a good start, but I don't think you're quite up to Intermediate yet. You have a lot to work on. I suggest you wait two more weeks before applying for Intermediate again.

Hello there.

So the biggest issue I have with your character is her lack of flaws. She seems almost too perfect to be true, so I would start to explore some flaws that she could have. Does she have some sort of nervous tick? Does she have in irrational fear of something? Has she ever struggled with a certain type of magic or spell? These things make your character seem more realistic, and is also a requirement in order to move up to Intermediate.

Kaela has said everything that I wanted to say, so I will leave the profile and topics with her.

So, with that said, I will have to deny your advancement to Intermediate, and suggest that you wait two weeks before applying again.

Hello. I'll be the last reviewer.

The Intermediate level is on of the hardest levels to get approved for, even Elite is easier in my opinion.

I am going to agree with Jordan and Kaela and say wait two weeks

Here are some things that you will want to add to ensure approval:

• Add flaws to your character, like Jordan said. It doesn't have to be some huge flaw, instead, make it something that you can actually RP, like a fear or some sort of disability, physical or psychological.
• Use spelling and grammar check on every post and re-read every post
• make sure your topics are new and meet the requirements of the level.

Good Luck!