Title: Millicent Clearwater - Intermediate
Millicent Clearwater - February 20, 2007 02:31 AM (GMT)
Link to character workshop topic: CLEARWATER, MillicentCurrent rank: Beginner
At least three of your recent role play topics: 1,
2,
3Why you feel that you should move up: I think that, since I sort of gone inactive, my roleplays have gone up high, my grammar and my length have improved well too. It also takes me a shorter time to decide what to write in my roleplays, and my writing has become more detailed.
Sundari Harmony - February 24, 2007 04:24 AM (GMT)
Physical Appearance
| QUOTE |
| Millicent is pretty; stunningly beautiful at times. (Careful - whatever follows a semi colon must be a complete sentence) Then again, she's no Veela. Although she may be a bit choosy of her appearance; and if she chooses, she can be a goth, she can be an angel in her appearance, but all ways - she's neat.(This sentence is a bit drawn out and could use to be reworded.) |
| QUOTE |
| Though when she returned, Millicent has gone from goth - angel.[color=fuchsia](This doesn’t make sense. Do you mean she no longer has the appearance of a goth angel? You may want to reword) Her hair has gone chin-length (is now rather than has gone), but is still brown (still? I thought it was just black!). It's extremely dark brown, nearly black, and it's still usually pulled into that "cute ponytail" that small kids wore. Millicent never actually cared if it looked very kiddie. Although sometimes, Millicent still put her hair down.(Maybe wears her hair down rather than puts it down. Put doesn’t quite fit) Never is there (There is never) a week that goes by that Millicent brushes her hair everyday. It's either every-next (every other?) day, every two days, etc. etc. It's never just "oh, I'll brush my hair," in the morning. |
| QUOTE |
| Millicent has her father's eyes, though, and she knows that; no matter how many times Aubreon protests.(The structure of this sentence is a bit funky. Try flipping it around) ... Millicent's nose is oddly shaped, but it never goes to your head.(Mreh? “Goes to your head” is an egotistical phrase... maybe it never bothers you?) |
| QUOTE |
| Millicent has an atheletic build; just to say, and usually has the normal on her body - robes.(Once again, this structure is a bit weird. Try breaking the sentence up with her build as one and her clothing as another.) |
Personality
| QUOTE |
| Personality, personality ... many people describe others complex.(Uh.. What?) |
| QUOTE |
| Millicent made lots(a lot) of friends before she left, some of them still there, some(of them. Keep it consistent) have left. |
| QUOTE |
| Though(while) most of her friends are down(Down where?) gossiping in the morning, |
I would really like to see more in the personality. You’ve done a pretty good job so far, but maybe expand a bit on some of the areas. What does she enjoy to do other than make others happy? What are her downfalls? Fears? I think just broadening some things will really help you.
History
| QUOTE |
| They fell in love; and married.(take out the semi colon) |
| QUOTE |
| hen Sarah Jane and Carrie Lou were born, they were frightened about their new born sister, Millicent Praeclarus.(Why were they frightened?) They never shared their thoughts to their children; or to each other, for this matter.(make the semi colon a comma, and make the end “or to each other for that matter”. Also, it’s confusing to have just been talking about the children and now it’s back to the parents. Instead of they you might want to put their names or something along those lines) |
| QUOTE |
| It was either because the man was drunk, but he apologized and fled. (I assume that there was no other alternative. If there isn’t, take out the either) Though, as you would have expected - Carrie was struck with her mother's muggleborn sickness, cancer, when Millicent was eleven.(How could we have expected it if we didn’t know her mother had it?) Millicent never wanted to know what, but she was horrified.(wanted to know... what?) Two deaths could be no more.(So her sister was killed by the cancer?) |
| QUOTE |
Her sisters went to Beauxbatons however; and Harold was still too young to go to any wizarding school.(Take out the semi colon! Replace it with a comma) They went to Ireland for a bit; and for one reason: Aubreon had felt(fallen) completely in love with a woman named Maryvonne,(End the sentence here) who Millicent despised, but idolized her smarts.(“Millicent despised her, but idolized her intelligence?”) |
| QUOTE |
| Millicent has returned to Hogwarts, however, awaiting her future.(“And now awaits” would flow better) |
You have a fairly well thought out history. I think you could use to explain a bit more about her family’s past though. Maybe go a bit more in depth about how and why ancestors have died. I would like to see a bit more on how she was raised also. It’s always good to see how she grew up and what type of environment it was.
Role Play
All in all I think you’re fairly decent. You have improved so much since you first joined. I remember when you had one lined posts, and now look where you are! If you keep this up, I know you will go far. Your general structure is fairly good, but it can use improvement.
One small comment though - you seem to have fallen to the grip of the semi colon. Be very careful in your usage of it. Be careful so that you aren’t confusing where you should be using a semi colon and where you should be using a comma.
I give this my approval to move up to Novice :)
Note: This review was done without bias. Please don’t take offense to any comments. Instead I hope you embrace them and see them as a way to improve. Also, if you have any questions or concerns, don’t hesitate to ask! Good luck!
Lily Evans - February 24, 2007 10:36 PM (GMT)
Blyssenor Wright - February 24, 2007 11:35 PM (GMT)
Sounds good to me. ^__^ Great review Sue.....HAH, I rhymed. >33
You've got my approval to move up to novice.
Lily Evans - February 25, 2007 12:01 AM (GMT)
Aiiii'te. Congrats! You're now on novice level.
Millicent Clearwater - March 17, 2007 03:37 PM (GMT)
Thank'ee all. ^___^ Oh, by the way, Sue, I don't mind the comments. xP I'm used to it. Actually, I mind them ... -embraces comments-
Link to character workshop topic(with original and revised posts): clearwater, MILLICENTCurrent rank: Novice
At least three of your recent role play topics:can it be called patrolling?one twisted lifelaws of gravityshouldn't I be flying?Why you feel that you should move up: Well, I lost the problem with the semi-colon (though I technically don't use it anymore XP), and I go into Millicent's thoughts more than I did last time. I also find myself able to write more than before.
Special request: Tell me if you guys will allow it, because of the Ministry Restrictions. Legilimens?
Blyssenor Wright - March 23, 2007 05:50 AM (GMT)
I think you've got what it takes. :) You have my approval.
Eilidh Sutherland - March 23, 2007 10:05 PM (GMT)
I approve you for Intermediate status. Your character seems well-developed and consistent thus far. I'm glad you're expanding on her thoughts, and your semi-colon issue has cleared up. Beware of putting in a comma where a period should be, though.
I like what I see so far. ^^ Here's your review.
| QUOTE |
| NAME: Millicent Praeclarus Clearwater |
Interesting choice of middle name, particularly since it's a masculine superlative not usually used as such. You might want to explain it in her history?
| QUOTE |
| PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: There are many views of Millicent: gothic, angelic, or just average. She can also be sloppy, average, or simply amazing. There is a point that never changes, and it's the fact that she's extremely neat. Millicent's a neat freak, and ask anyone, even someone she doesn't know so well, they'll say, "Oh, that neat freak?" However, there's something about Millicent in her appearance. She's always looked the same, but in a different style. |
You use average twice in a row. I like that you explain her neatnik behaviour, so how can she be 'sloppy', as you mentioned in the second sentence? Also, I might elaborate on her favourite styles. The last sentence is a bit wonky. Rephrase as 'While Millicent has been the same girl all her life, her choice of clothing varies wildly from day to day', maybe? Or whatever you meant by that.
| QUOTE |
| There's a lot of ways to describe Millicent's hair. That is, depending on what year, month or time you were talking about. Fragment. When she came into Hogwarts, her hair was long, when she left and returned, it was short. Now, it's a bit below her armpits, still brown, though. It's seemingly flatter than it was before, but still brushed every day. Millicent loves brushing her hair(;) it's something like a hobby. She doesn't put it up in ponytails any more, but instead lets it down. |
I love the details. Maybe describe which colour brown it is? Also, remember that while it's interesting to know how she's evolved, we want you to focus on the Millicent of today in this section. Evolution is better placed (with the corresponding reasons for the change) in the history.
| QUOTE |
| Auberon says Millicent has her mother's face, which as she remembers, is model-like. Millicent admits she has her father's eyes though, even if her father disagrees. She has green-blue eyes (although her mother has clear blue, Auberon green-blue)--kind of out of place? End that sentence and start a new one here: Millicent occasionally wears glasses, but she's completely fine without them. She refuses to wear contacts, for reasons she wouldn't say. Millicent's nose is oddly shaped, but you would never notice it. |
A flaw that nobody ever notices is not a flaw. If it isn't oddly shaped enough for you to describe in detail and have someone notice, why put it in?
| QUOTE |
| Millicent is average. A bit more on the thin side, but still "average." Millicent is a picky eater, but knows what's right and what's not, but loves to run around. <---Run-on! Which probably explains why she has an athletic build. <---Fragment! Millicent usually wears robes, and if it's a weekend, she wears normal jeans and a shirt. Millicent doesn't think it's necessary to wear something so fancy. |
With this last bit of description--how can she have so many different styles?
Also, please make sure to include how tall she is and how she carries herself in your next round of edits. It's important to the way characters interact physically.
| QUOTE |
| PERSONALITY: It's easy to describe Millicent. Most of those kids who've been around before she left simply say, "that bookworm ..." A lot of people say she's meant to be in Ravenclaw, but then again, there's another side to Millicent than there you can think of. You can think of Millicent as a dog. The only reason she studies so hard is because of her friends. She loves to help out; she's always there to answer her friends' questions. |
A very interesting trait for a Hufflepuff. -applause- Be careful about describing her as a dog, though. 'loyal as a dog' might be better?
| QUOTE |
| Millicent gained a lot of friends before she left, some of them still there, some of them have left. Even if there have been a lot of changes since she had come back, Millicent remains loyal if she can and respects those around her (maybe except those snobby Slytherins who gain too much respect already) and always makes sure the other is all right. She's more like a shadow though. Millicent's always been in the shadow of her friends, but it's going to change, eventually. |
Is it really Slytherins that she dislikes, or is it the trait of being respected for something other than ability?
She's in the shadow of her friends--explain that. Is she more introverted than most Hufflepuffs? Is she less skilled? It's vague. Develop?
| QUOTE |
| Another side of Millicent is the athletic part. You can see her in the morning, grabbing her broom and zooming out of the dorm. Though most of her friends are already awake gossiping in the morning, Millicent is up and about at the Pitch. She doubts she'll meet anyone; but on those rare occasions it doesn't matter. Millicent loves Quidditch, even if her relatives aren't so good at it, she's a 'natural,' and when it comes to Quidditch, you can't stop her. Run on! She likes to meet friends, depending on the mood. If she's moody the morning, it's going to be TOUGH to get to talk to her. |
The last two sentences don't make sense with the theme of the paragraph. You should develop her outgoingness/introversion in a different place.
| QUOTE |
| There is, of course, the reading part of Millicent. She's a total nerd, although she wouldn't go as far as dork. She wears glasses sometimes, and most of the time has her nose buried in a book, if she's not flying. Thanks to that hobby, Millicent loves the quiet, or open spaces. It's so soothing and free, to her. With all the things that are happening, a little peace is all she needs sometimes. |
This paragraph doesn't seem to make sense. You already described this trait. Bookworms don't always wear glasses, and that's better left in history anyway. If you want to explain her hate of contacts or her reaction to dependency on glasses, fire away, though. Also, 'nerd' and 'dork' aren't universal. Be careful.
| QUOTE |
| There's always a flaw to Millicent, one big one that changes all the time. Recently, it's having multiple thoughts at one time, which eventually leads to her being stressed and all the more moody and hotheaded than she already is. Sure, she can control her temper, but at times, Millicent can just simply let it all out and scream, or throw something. She can also be quite boastful of her talents, and especially of her new talent of speaking Latin. Millicent also has a strange fear of ants - if they're those really minuscule and in groups, Millicent has the urge to run away and scream. There's no explanation for it, but she's afraid of it. |
Hm. These flaws seem very random, but don't get me wrong--I'm glad you've included them. Maybe work on developing them and their origins further?
As for your history, it all seems consistent and fine. However, you should work on integrating her history and her personality. A person's past has a great deal of effect on their current life, and right now I see very little correlation between Millicent's past and present behaviours. Slip a few things from each category into the other as sort of reciprocal explanations next time, okay?
Sundari Harmony - March 23, 2007 10:50 PM (GMT)
You have my approval as well. Take Eol's advice and you'll be fine ^___^ And I'm glad you didn't mind my comments, whew! :P
*moves you up*
Millicent Clearwater - August 7, 2009 08:55 AM (GMT)
Rank Applying For: Advanced *nervous*
At least FIVE of your recent role play topics:What are your three biggest RPing tips for any member?1. Don't force it. In something like RPing, which feels like it has a deadline most times, forcing writing is such an easy mistake to make. I've found that it just makes the writing suck more. Writing shouldn't be a stress, it should be the exact opposite. Relax for a second, breathe, then write.
2. Think about every detail. If inspiration isn't hitting, close your eyes, put yourself in the character's shoes, and let it come from there. See, smell, hear, touch, or... taste, I guess... everything that they do. What would they be thinking? How would they react? What would they say? Go over as much details as you can. Which you should think about even when inspiration is hitting, actually =p
3. It's better to be better. (I just wanted to use something different from quality is better than quantity, haha.) Longer posts may look more impressive, but they're only long because they're well thought-out. Think about the quality first, and I can almost guarantee that the quantity will go with it.
Why you feel that you should move up: Looking at my writing with Milli before I left WR, I feel like I've definitely improved. I took a look at some of my "better" old threads just to see how much better I really have gotten. My grammar has gotten better. (Sue, I got rid of my semi-colon problem!!! Yay!) Just reading old threads and comparing it to something I've written now, I can see that the writing flows better, and it sounds
right. My writing now sounds less like the writing of an eight year old, in my opinion =p
Since it's been ... about three years, I
had to reread my Workshop profile (PAIN) to remember what Millicent was like, how she's branched out from that, and I feel she has. I also feel the profile is a bit more true to how Millicent really is. In my eyes, she's still a bit Mary Sueish, but I think I'm getting somewhere with that, especially with the topics in the camping trip of epic proportions and Quidditch.
Um, also, when I ranked up to Intermediate, I requested that Milli have Legilimency. Thinking about it now, it's a bit unrelated to herself, since she believes in privacy. Milli's skilled at understanding (or at least guessing) what people feel or are thinking, anyway. I'm still wondering what she could possibly have, though. So is it okay if Milli is... special request-less at the moment? XD
Tycho Brynhild - August 7, 2009 04:20 PM (GMT)
Welcome back! It's good to see an old face coming back so strongly. However, I'm not going to approve you for Advanced yet, and here's why: there's a definite contrast between one of your threads and the rest, and it's not the kind of contrast I want to see.
"&& Doesn't Get Much Better" is GREAT. I like how you're bringing Milli back from your absence- you really capture the feelings I bet you're having, coming back to all new faces with many old ones missing, and it's a good thing. I get the emotions, I get the development... then it stalls in the rest of your threads. "Feeling kind of violent" is a good start, getting her into a different frame of emotion, but I'm disappointed that the reasoning for it doesn't come from character interaction. Also, a large action-oriented thread (Quidditch) isn't a good one for ranking up unless it's required for context for a later thread.
Your writing, as you noted, has improved a lot since you took your hiatus. It's clear and easy to read. You're interacting well with new people, and your RP tips are good.
So, here's the crux of my review: your writing is at Advanced level, but your plot development isn't there yet. Find some complication, some deep relationships, develop on Milli's feeling of alienation and re-integration. There are plenty of people in the same boat as you - returning members who are good writers but don't have their plots restarted yet - so don't feel discouraged!
Evan Demetrius - August 8, 2009 01:09 PM (GMT)
Welcome back!
So, as Jax has stated above, your writing is definitely at the advanced level, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with her on what she said about your plot development. You give good Role Playing Tips that everyone can learn from, but I would suggest giving yourself a little more time to really get the plots going and the Character Development growing. I can see you moving up in the near future, so don't let this get you down!
The verdict - wait two weeks before applying again.
Callisto Verity - August 8, 2009 05:23 PM (GMT)
I really don't like to run without saying much, but I have to agree with what has already been said. I really do like your writing style and like Jax said, your writing is at Advanced. I did notice that you seem to enjoy using commas, but since they're well-placed, I don't see that there's anything to correct with that.
Now, onto the plots. One thing that we look for when people are applying for Advanced is at least a solid grasp on a longer-term plot with your character. It's great that you're just coming back, but I'd suggest giving it a little more time to develop maybe a close friendship or a love interest or an enemy for Milli. If you're having trouble finding something, I suggest you go poke around in the Plotting forum. There are quite a few other people around who are looking for plots. Or you can come up with your own and ask for someone to help you in there.
As far as your special request goes, it's perfectly okay to not have one. If/when you think of something you'd like to have for your special request, you can PM one of the admins and they'll help you take care of it.
The verdict? Wait two weeks before applying for Advanced. Your writing is very good; just take a little more time to get back into the swing of things and develop some plots. =)