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 Sawyer Kingsman - Beginner
Kenz · · 7th · · ·
Slytherin Beginner
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Feb 20 2018, 08:56 PM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Beginner
Link to character workshop topic: Click click click
At least two of your recent role play topics:

The good 'ole days - Samantha Vanstone
→ What happens when you find out your best mate's sister is now a ghost? You yell. A lot. An extra lot.

Every now and then, I fall apart - Florentin Deschamps
→ What happens when your roommate looks like death and you don't want to be blamed for any accidents? You pretend to care, or in some eyes, pretend to be a knight in shining armor.


Commentary: I have not had Sawyer very long, but I think it's very evident he has a mind of his own and has a uniqueness about him that I have not yet experienced in any of my other characters. He's a force to be reckoned with, coming off as uncaring on the outside - yet, he is struggling, too. For Skylar he will do anything - one day I hope to actually show you this with him as well, but have not had the opportunity to thread it out.

I also know his background for his Hogwarts days is not fully fleshed out, but for the profile, I was hoping for feedback on the voice more in the appearance and the personality section. I feel like I tried something different and am hopeful about the results.

As always, you guys are the best <3
Stells Artois · 16 · 6th · Viridian Guild · Pureblood · 5'11
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Feb 20 2018, 08:58 PM   Link Quote


Application Accepted!

Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.

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Tine · 16 · 6th · neutral · Pureblood · 5'7
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Mar 2 2018, 11:22 AM   Link Quote
Hello there Kenz, you know who I am and I hope you don’t mind I snatched Sawyer off the tracker to bless you with a review...well, let’s not exaggerate. Anyway, it’s been a while since I reviewed you and here are the requirements for Beginner.

QUOTE
what we’re looking for at beginnerAt least 4 posts by your character over 2 threads. Your most recent post must be made within three months of the date of your application.Have your character profile in the workshop with at least one revision of each section posted by you. (If you choose not to include an appearance section at sorting, you must include it when you post your workshop profile, and then provide a subsequent revision for this rank).At the beginner rank, we are focused on building up your character. We will give you suggestions on how to expand your profiles and posts, particularly in regards to content, in order to gain as complete a picture of your character as possible. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.) and spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post. Additionally, we'd like to see that you have made an effort to expand all areas of the profile (i.e. not just personality or not just history).


I decided to review your profile today given that I am deeply in one of your threads and always find it a little harder to take a look back and comb through it. Also I’m going to be that person for a moment and remind you to add a bit of appearance to your initial sorting app when you throw it in the workshop next time, because that’s one of the requirements ;) I’m going to overlook this but please keep it in mind next time <3 Anyway, let’s dive straight into your profile now!

Appearance: First of all I like your way of starting this section by letting Sawyer describe himself, and how little it actually tells about the way he looks when using such generic descriptions like handsome, because this is - naturally - a very subjective way of describing oneself or another person.

QUOTE
So instead, let’s start with the blond hair the young man has comes to be perfectly straight and flat on his head, using gel to make it look unnaturally slick and so sickly sweet.

→ Apart from the wonky part I underlined (which could eventually be turned into the young man has trimmed to be perfectly … but that’s not my point) I am not sure if you can really describe the looks of someone’s hair as “sweet”, because it sounds really odd to me. Unless you meant the way it smells because gels can have terribly sweet scents, then it would need some clarifying on that front xD

I’m not quoting this in particular but The hairs brush a smooth forehead… is a case where hair sounds better. In German schools, they teach you “hairs” is used to describe pubic hair, and now imagine the mental images that came to me. There is probably a real rule for how to use “hairs”, but generally when talking about the one on your head, “hair” sounds better.

Generally I think you touched on all the important parts of his appearance, although I kind of expected to hear more about the parts mentioned in your first paragraph in detail. So naturally, this is something to work on for future edits. Tell me more about those fingers and his movements in general - how does he hold himself? Proud I assume, given he is so full of himself. Add colours that go over blonde or blue, as there are many ways to talk about blue eyes. What is his skin tone like, which colours do his clothes have? Does he wear robes at times, are his clothes rather formal? Are the faded jeans faded because he had them for so long or did he buy them like this because vintage is all the rage? Does Sawyer have any nervous tics or habits, does he chew on his nails or run fingers through his hair all the time?

I can definitely see the new style you used and I like how it is almost like a game of questions and answers, as well as a balance of how Sawyer sees himself and how others might see him - though you could elaborate on this more as well. Do others think he is handsome, and do they tell him?

The rhetorical questions also work great to make the transition into a new paragraph, so kudos on that as well - asking the important question of who he is here and letting me slither on in your profile :3

Personality:
QUOTE
Other than clothes, the teenager found it easy to buy extra food - when was the boy not eating? Only when he was drinking, it seemed - or at least it had always seemed that way to his mother when he was growing up.

→ I’m starting reviewing this section with this quote because this is just such a teenage boy thing and it made me laugh.

I made it a habit not to go into style and those things, but I have some more technical remarks to add anyway because I feel like it will help you to make your whole sections when you drop the backtracking. I know it sometimes just happens because I am sure I have done it before, but I also know people always advised me to drop it, so I’m passing it on: rather than going all as mentioned before, add the piece of information to the paragraph where you first mentioned it. Grouping together related topics always gives the sections - especially the personality - a better flow, and it is easier to keep reading about a new character without being forced to read back to remember what was said. It also helps you to diminish repetitions in what you already said and what you have yet to mention. So when you talk about the casual way Sawyer spends money that isn’t exactly his to spend, you could fit in the guitar models - and while you are on that topic, move on to music next.

This might cause you to rearrange your paragraphs for a future edit, but that isn’t necessarily bad!

While I think you covered the basic needs and traits of a personality section, I also feel like you have been scratching on the surface a lot and focused on superficial and material things rather than on what Sawyer really feels. Now this is Beginner and I don’t expect a whole psychoanalysis of his character - even less so as you know that I absolutely despise writing personalities myself - but I want you to dig a little deeper in the future.

Some of these things will come when you are threading and plotting Sawyer of course, but I mean examples like this where I just feel that something is lacking:

QUOTE
Not that Sawyer had been gifted with all looks and no brains - as skilled as he was with the guitar, or at dressing himself, he has also been found to be sarcastic, quick-witted and fierce. He’s quick to lash out with his tongue, finding anger easier to express than any other emotion.

→ What you do here is a lot of telling, but no showing. Of course I know he can be sarcastic due to knowing his threads, but it will definitely add to your writing if you offer examples to each statement you make. Bonus points for pulling these examples from your threads in the future :3

The paragraph that follows this one actually exactly shows what I meant - so you know how to do it, spread your wings and fly into the world of examples xD

So now I finished the whole section I really think your main points when editing this profile again - if you even want to do that - will be regrouping, reorganising and digging deeper. The divorce of his parents has been mentioned in one of the first paragraphs, and only towards the end there is a note he is bitter about it. Tell me more about how Sawyer really feels about things: what makes him so caring, how did the divorce affect him beyond having twice the amount of pocket money all of the sudden? Why does he insist on designer clothes out of all things - is his self-esteem not as developed as he wants it to be? How does he perceive romance in generally if he is longing for a “real relationship” (though these do not have to be necessarily romantic)? For me, it works best to ask myself where a certain like, dislike or habit roots in, and how that makes the character feel.

As an extra piece of advice - while keeping your commentary in mind - I think you could easily work with rhetorical questions in here as well if it is easier for you. It would fit the consistency of your profile just well and asking a question you force yourself to answer will automatically make you dig deeper into Sawyer’s mind :3

And we are already at your character background which is always my personal favourite, so here we go: I almost feel like the backstory of Ray and Simon deserves more room in this because hey, this idea is cool as fuck so why not tell us more about their band and how they meet and all those lovely things that happen before the baby ruins everything for them. Less drastic of course, because this is a really nice and rather unique background, I don’t remember having seen such a thing on a character before and I like it a lot. On the other hand, details, my friend. Why was the wedding a bluff? Don’t say such a thing and leave me hanging.

I’m going to spare you the more Hogwarts timeline events because you mentioned you were aware of this and Sawyer is a very new character, but I was expecting to hear more about the divorce and Sawyer’s feelings in this last section. Your last paragraph even seems a little rushed compared to the rest, so don’t hesitate to explain more and give more details - also keeping the regular timeline of a child growing up in mind. While you touched up on all important events of his life, I want more more more. Did his parents tell him about their life in a band and on the road? Give me some cute childhood memories of baby Sawyer! And how do these events make him feel: how did he feel about the divorce, his magical outburst and his first time at Diagon Alley?

Tell me more about his sorting, and maybe how he received his wand even - see, now I did the Hogwarts thing.

Now that I am done I think generally you did a good job on this profile and you already have a very refined image of Sawyer in your head, which is beautiful when it comes to a character who is that new! I can see the boy I read about reflected in his threads as well, but your second reviewer will hop on those in detail. I think I gave you a lot to work with content-wise and in terms of technical stuff within your profile, and if I have to name any issues, it would be more proofreading. Misplaced or lacking words made me stumble a few times, but this can easily be fixed by reading over your profile - and your posts - a second or third time, or in case of doubt letting someone else read over it.

I’m not going to pick all of your profile apart but I will give you two examples I snatched out of it to underline what I mean:

QUOTE
If you ask him, Sawyer might you words like handsome or breathtaking.

→ Not sure if you wanted to say Sawyer might use words or Sawyer might give you words.

QUOTE
The mother, on the other hand, never quite filled the void of singing the way Simon had found his tattoo shop.

→ I would say the void singing left behind the same way Simon filled it with his work at the tattoo shop or something like this, because this way, the sentence is really wonky to read.

Anyway, I have been talking a lot again and I think it is clear that I APPROVE you and @Sawyer Kingsman for BEGINNER. Congrats and good luck with your second review! If you have any questions or want me to elaborate on anything I have said, hit me up on skype <3

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Exh · 16 · 6th · None yet · pureblood · 5"5
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Mar 16 2018, 09:11 AM   Link Quote
Hey there Kenz, you know me, I’m Exh and I’ll be your second reviewer for beginner. Thank you for being so patient with me, I really do appreciate it!

Now, onto the fun stuff- your review! I’ll be looking at your posts and plot lines today as Tine has already covered your profile revision. Before I do though, I just thought I would echo her statement about rearranging the order of your profile a little! Changing up the order of some of the paragraphs in your personality section would likely help you avoid back tracking.

The Good Ole Days

The first word that came to me upon reading this thread was: wow. I absolutely adore the dynamic you and Lacey have created between Sam and Sawyer. I’m such a sucker for messy, complicated relationships- and even more of a sucker for angsty ones. There’s obviously a lot of history between these two, as is made obvious by lines such as these:

QUOTE
Either way, the once pretty young girl was now stuck in her same clothes, in this ghostly form and no longer could Sawyer admire her from afar, even when she was off limits because of the 'little sister' deal between mates.


I appreciate when role playing partners take the time to speak to one another about their characters relationship prior to the thread taking place. It really does pay off in the long run, as it really shines through in your writing. Somehow, it feels more intimate.

I also want to commend you on Sawyers character voice, as it is so easily distinguishable from all of your other characters. Sometimes, when a character is still in their infancy, it can be difficult to seperate their voices from some of our older, more familiar characters. I’m happy to say this isn’t the case with Sawyer! His tone is drastically different to that of JR, Brandon, etc! You seem to have really found your groove with him! Even his dialogue feels different, which is something many writers tend to overlook. It’s something that a lot of people struggle with, so I really do like to give props where props are due!

Every now and then I fall apart

I really enjoyed reading this thread, I think it shows a slightly different side to Sawyer than the first one. Here, although he might seem a little softer on the outside, we actually get to see some of his rough and tumble attitude through his inner monologue. In my opinion, it’s the type of behaviour that best fits with that described in his profile- which is lovely to see! (Although I do also love plots that push characters outside of their comfort zones… it’s very hypocritical of me :’) )

Speaking of Sawyer’s inner monologue, this had me in a fit of laughter:

QUOTE
The young man had been so close to being able to leave the dorm and be free of this ridiculousness


As I mentioned earlier, I really think that you have been able to develop a very distinctive voice for Sawyer, and this, to me, is a perfect example of that. ‘Ridiculousness’ is a word i don’t see too many of your other characters using so flippantly- which only helps to further Sawyers own character!

I also adore all the small, hidden ways your are able to further his character development. For instance, when you describe the way Sawyer eats his fruit. Not only was it a hilarious comparison, but it tells us quite a bit about his personality. It was clever, very clever!

QUOTE
Finished with that, Sawyer was just picking a banana out of his supply of food he stashed in his trunk when someone entered the dorm from the bathroom. Floretin Deschamps looked pale and shaky as Sawyer turned to him, one hand holding the banana and the other pulling the book bag on his shoulder, ready to leave the dorm.


While these sentences are absolutely breathtaking, I feel that from time to time you could do with swapping out some of Sawyer’s name for other descriptors such as ‘the Ravenclaw’, ‘the blonde’, ‘the boy’ etc. You can get as creative as you like with it! Given that we write from a third person limited perspective here on WURR, it’s often assumed that we are referencing our own characters- therefore, we can take a little creative liberty when we reference them. Swapping out his name every now and again for something fresh can help avoid repetition, which is always a plus!

Final Thoughts[/b]


It’s extremely obvious to me that your writing abilities are well above that of beginner, and you seem to have an amazing grasp of his character. You say that Sawyer has a mind of his own… and it really shows. Sometimes, the characters that seem to have their own free will, end up being some of our most authentic. You obviously adore Sawyer, and you should! The time and attention you put into his replies really shows, as I feel like of your work is immaculately proof read. It must be a perk of your profession, I’m sure of it! Your grammar is on point, and your writing is absolutely stunning.

In any case, my decision probably comes as no surprise to you (considering just how long I spent gushing over Sawyer and his characterisation). I hereby approve both you and @Sawyer Kingsman for BEGINNER. You ofc know where to find me if you want to discuss any of this <3 Congratulations lovely!

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