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|Renée de Rose d'Argent||
Posted: May 14 2017, 11:00 PM
Rank Applying For: Beginner
Link to character workshop topic: HERE
At least two of your recent role play topics:
Qu'est-ce que je ferais sans toi? with Elias Deveaux: In order to avoid Alston, Renée escapes into the school theatre and unwittingly sits in the best spot. She meets Elias Deveaux.
A Request from a Rich Person with Alston Byrne: Renée reluctantly asks Alston to go the Deveaux Ball with her and they work out the details.
Commentary: I’m having some trouble figuring out how I want Renée to be like, and I’ve reworked her personality since she was created. When I first started, I had a feeling of how I wanted Renée to be, but since then, threading with other people gave me a more concrete idea of who she really is. I'd appreciate feedback on this and any other advice you have. Thank you. =)
Posted: May 14 2017, 11:18 PM
Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.
Posted: May 19 2017, 09:16 AM
Hello Neira, I’m Tine and I am going to be your first reviewer today. First of all, welcome to the review system :3 Before I get started, we have to take a look at the requirements for Beginner:
This looks fine. I’m taking a closer look at your profile today, while your second reviewer will focus on your posts. I’ll try and keep your concerns in mind while writing and hope my feedback will be useful <3
A small advice concerning layout of your revisions: you do not have to keep the OOC parts of your sorting app (your name, how you found wurr, and if you have been given permission for this character) in, because it will look a lot less chaotic. These information are no longer vital during the ranking progress, so throw off that unnecessary weight and thin your app out to the main, IC parts. But now we have this solved, let’s start with the meaty part of your profile!
Appearance: First of all I can see that you expanded on this section - as you did on all, but it still looks a little short in comparison to the other parts. So, let’s hop right in! You offered a very basic description of what Renée looks like and what she wears, but you are also already offering loose ends were you can definitely expand on, as it does not tell us a lot about the girl herself. I am also a little skeptical if her French heritage can be really seen as a reason for her hair colour, but that is nothing too dramatic. Anyway, give us more colours and especially, give us more details. You talked about her hair and her eyes, but what about the shape of her face, of her nose and her lips? How does her facial expression change when she smiles or when she is angry? Does Renée use makeup, and if so, what does she use?
When you are talking about her height, you can work with her posture as well - how does she walk, and move in general? What about her hands, does she gesture a lot? And connected to the gestures is the way she speaks: does she have a favourite word, a lisp, a laugh like a baby elephant? Does she have an accent, given you talk about her French heritage? Is her voice deep or low? All these things do belong to her appearance as well. I often heard the advice of having a closer look at your playby if you are stuck, but I personally prefer the advice of using her imagination more, because your playby is of course not your character.
Think of eventual flaws Renée has: does she have freckles or scars - and if the latter applies, where do they come from? Considering she’s a teenage girl you can also ask yourself what she thinks about herself, and how the image she has of herself clashes with how others see her. Think of skin problems and body shapes in that context, of crooked teeth and all those little details that will help you draw a more vivid picture of Renée!
Style-wise, I don’t want to tell you how to write your character - because that is up to you. But connecting sentences and using smoother transitions (as the chapstick part looks rather disconnected when you are mentioning her knuckles in the same sentence) will help the whole section to flow better. Think of reorganising everything a little: whether it’s by starting at her hair and ending with less physically attached features like her voice or going layer by layer (by which I mean: starting at the clothes and literally stripping her down) is up to you, as these are merely suggestions if you decide to climb higher on the ranking scale. I think I talked a lot about the content and structure of this already, so let’s move on :3
Personality: You already mentioned in your commentary that this section has been redone, and I can already see it by skimming over it. Nonetheless, we are here for the details, so here we go.
I really like how you are already offering a reason for her behaviour and how you tie the reasons to the statements you make, because this is always awesome to her. I can see her background shapes her a lot, and I like how one trait flows into the other as they are tied together by the fact how she has been brought up.
What makes me curious about this part is that you are saying Renée seems not to care… so I wonder if it really only seems like she is not bothered. You are giving us insight in her head now, so tell us what she really thinks, even if it’s not obvious to others meeting her - this is the place to talk about every single aspect of her personality, to illuminate her from all sides, so don’t be afraid to go full out, as there is no such thing as too much information c:
While I’m not generally against using parentheses as it is sometimes necessary, I want to drop this line here:
It made me pause while reading because it felt like you just remembered this fact and shoved it right in. The phrase would flow better if you added information about her sister within the sentence instead of making it look like it is not important - because if you don’t deem it important, you don’t have to add it at all, right? :3 Of course this is about Renée, but additional information about her family is definitely allowed.
I just want to leave this quote here because it made me laugh, this is so relatable xD I think those are really details that make your personality even more awesome, because we can actually feel Renée in these words - and I don’t know if you have seen the new Beauty and the Beast movie, but this reminded me of a particular scene and I am very happy now. You made a reviewer happy, scratch it off your bucket list. Okay, back to the serious reviewing, as I am derailing here.
Please endure me quoting pretty phrases randomly because I love the way this sounds - especially as you are using it after talking about her love for tragic literature and how disconnected she actually feels from love at the time being. My Literature student heart is beating happily in my chest right now. On the flipside, I almost feel like this scene with Rosario would rather belong in your history section than this one, even though I am always a fan of show and tell. It just seems like actually happenings look disjointed in the personality - although it works in this case. But if you want to go for another edit, you might want to consider my words <3
A little bit of technical stuff, although I try to focus on your content: I think you need to specify what you mean because you are saying when she was a girl and as far as I am concerned, Renée is still a girl - do you see my struggle here? C:
Now that I am at the end I definitely think you did an awesome job on this section - and I hope that showed in my comments and you don’t feel like I stomped you into the ground - because you covered so many different aspects of Renée and I really think I have a good overview on her now. Towards the end, I feel like you could make the transition smoother towards the next section. Think of the profile as a whole, and not as three disjointed parts: it always flows nicer when you offer a sentence or two that guides the reader softly towards the next section. I have to admit that I myself struggle with this section the most, so kudos to you for your work on it. I am sure your second reviewer can offer some further insight, but from my side, that was all and we are swiftly moving towards the third and last part of your hard work!
Character background: I am always a sucker for family backgrounds, so I really love how you started this section - and I adore this legend. My only point of complaining - because that’s my job here, you know - is that it really seems to disrupt your flow, which is sad because it’s beautifully written. So my advice - which you do not have to take of course - would be to put it at the start - use italics even - and then dive into Renée’s personal history, as now you have this huuuuge break: we are in the middle of medieval meddlings and BAM we are on a holiday with your girl. That’s just a matter of restructuring in this case.
Now I just read it all in one go and will just comment on it here. I think that you offered very little about Renée’s life here. Don’t get me wrong, what you wrote was awesome - but I think you only touched a few points that do not exactly connect. Relationships to other characters are always awesome to read, but I want to know more about Renée: I want childhood memories, I want to know how it was for her to enter the wizarding world, given she had been brought up by muggle parents. I want details on her time at Hogwarts for the next edit - as I know that for a new character it is always hard to fill five years worth of experiences within a short period of time. Think of remarkable stuff that could have happened: getting her wand, visiting Diagon Alley, making friends - she is in her fifth year, her OWLs are ahead now. Expand, expand, expand.
I already mentioned your second reviewer is going to have a closer look at your posts and I don’t want to steal their content, but I want to mention that within your profile, I often found phrases that started the same, as for example:
I enjoyed the fact that the same issue does not appear in your posts and they read very nicely for Beginner level.
Verdict: I really feel like I babbled so much so let’s just finish this because of course I APPROVE you and @[Renée de Rose d’Argent] for Beginner. Congrats and good luck with your second review! If you have any questions, feel free to poke me on skype or via pm <3
Posted: May 30 2017, 08:20 PM
Heeeey Neira! I’m Annie and I’m gonna be your second reviewer today! Tine’s already put the requirements up there for us, so I’m gonna jump right into it!
First off, I want to say that you seem to be matching your partners’ posts pretty consistently, with the exception of a couple, but that’s fine. If there aren’t words that need to be crammed into a post, you shouldn’t feel like you need to, and I like that you seem to have realized this early on! Your spelling and grammar is pretty consistently on point, though of course stepping away for a few minutes and coming back to proofread has never hurt anyone. You never know what you might find when you look at it with fresh eyes!
Now for the fun part.
So far, you have done a wonderful job providing the readers with the essentials - the bare bones, if you will. Because this is Beginner, there is nothing really specific that we look for, post wise. But as you move up through the ranks, you will find that detail is appreciated. One thing I would really like to see is more of Renee coming through in your posts. You have her responses to the character she is interacting with, but I would love to see you build on that! It’s something every writer has been told a thousand times, I know, but I would love to see you work more of Renee’s surroundings into her posts. Try to put yourself in her shoes - is the theatre drafty and giving her goosebumps? Does the Great Hall have a certain smell to it?
And what about Renee herself? You have included her conscious reactions to stimuli, which is a wonderful start, but I would love some unconscious reactions as well. Is she a hair twirler? A lip biter? When she is hiding from Alston, is her heart pounding in her chest so hard that she can feel it? Even the smallest of details, like casually throwing in things she is doing or things around her (which I can tell you have already started doing, kudos to you!) gives your reader a more complete picture of what is going on in the thread, which in turn makes it flow more smoothly and makes it easier to follow. Also, adding more environmental factors into your posts makes it more specific. It provides a solid setting for the thread, and throwing in those details later on reminds your reader that oh yeah, they’re in the Great Hall.
Moving on to the characterization of Renee in your posts, again, you have a really great foundation on which to build. However, as they are now, your posts read rather more like a response to the other person instead of a continuation of the story, and I think Renee’s characterization can get lost in that. I like to think of it as giving a face to the voice you have in your head. This is where your profile comes in really handy, because the girl in the posts should be recognizable as oh of course Renee did that because of reasons x y and z. Of course it will take practice, but eventually I would really like to see you working more of Renee’s profile into her posts, and vice versa.
Of course, this isn’t to say that I’m not seeing some of this already, because I definitely am! Take this quote, for example, from Renee’s thread with Elias:
I loved this little tidbit of personality getting thrown in here, and I would love to see more tidbits like it! Really hit me with that feeling of Renee in your posts. The more you write with her, the more she will develop her own distinct voice, and I can’t wait to see where you go with her! One thing I do want to say though, is if you are planning on taking her up through Novice and beyond, you should start thinking about where you want to take her plot wise. You don’t need to have an arc in mind for her now, so don’t worry! But it wouldn’t hurt to start brainstorming ideas of where you want her to go and how you want her to end up there.
I also really would like to see you branching out in who you are threading with. For this rank up, both of your threads were with Jynx, and while that is perfectly fine for now, in the future I would like to see some more variety! Maybe consider throwing Renee at a girl? Or a professor? Or even a younger student. The more situations you are able to expose Renee to, the more you will learn about her as a character. I would also really like to see you kicking her out of her comfort zone. Is there an animal she’s really really afraid of? An insect, perhaps? If so, maybe put it under her pillow! Throw her into situations she really really hates - it’s the best way to make her grow as a character, after all!
All of that being said, it’s verdict time! I happily APPROVE you and Renee for Beginner! As I have said before, you have a really good beginning here for Renee, and I would love to see you expanding and elaborating as you grow as a writer and Renee flourishes as a character. I would love to see more description in your posts, as well as more environment being thrown in and a stronger sense of Renee’s characterization emerging as you get to know her better! I can’t wait to see where you and Renee go together! Congratulations!
The Notorious Nundu
#07 - ALEXANDER KINGSLEY
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