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 Petra Connor - Novice
Allie <3 · 16 · sixth · neutral · engaged to Hadleigh · 5"5
Banned
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Awards:
Awards: 17

Jun 17 2013, 11:25 PM   Link Quote
Link to character workshop topic:Petra's Workshop
Rank Applying For: Beginner
At least two of your recent role play topics:
Make believe that I impress
f. Xavier
Petra isn't really keen on getting help on the patronus charm from the player, Xavier Hoot. Due to her sarcastic nature during a pervious encounter she ends up stuck in the predicament.
Welcome to my humble home
f. Leo Hartman
Petra is home for the holidays, though it should be relaxing she spend most time hiding from her dad. Soon Leo and his dad appear making Petra very uncomfortable. She also emotionally drain and not at all like herself when she's at school.
Why you feel that you should move up:Well i've on the site for a year or so. And I finally decided to rank her up sense I have a better sense of who she is. I used Petra for many sites but this is the first time I made her with a family who didn't love her and her being so broken. It was weird to portray her that way and it took a lot of researching and putting myself in her shoes to fully understand her broken state as a character. She's a strong character I learn but she have times and moments where she is truly weak and need helps. In threads I can portray her a lot better now and looking back I realize how much I grown with her at this site.

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Mimi · 14 · 4th · viridian guild · ·
Gryffindor Elite
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Awards: 43

Jun 18 2013, 01:21 PM   Link Quote
HELLO ALLIE! I AM MIMI, AND I SHALL BE YOUR FIRST REVIEWER TODAY! Let us begin with the list of guidelines:

QUOTE
• At least 2 recent topics with at least 2 posts by your character in each.

• Have your character profile in the workshop with at least one revision posted by you.

• What we are looking for: At the beginner rank, we are focusing heavily on your profile. As such, we are going to give you suggestions to improve all aspects of your profile and also a few suggestions to improve your posts. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.), good spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post.


Good? Good! Now we can jump straight into your profile! Off the bat, I see that you've got some grammar issues and missing words in your profile. These seem to me to be the result of rushing, so make sure to slow down as you're posting, or go back and re-read your posts. Reading them out loud ensures that you're not just filling in the words you know should be there but aren't. Grammar aside, you've got a great voice going! Your writing voice stands out quite strongly to me, actually, which is great! I love your descriptions in your appearance--you are definitely embracing the concept of 'show, don't tell'. My suggestion to you is to broaden up your metaphors and similes--the trick is to be original without being ridiculous. The more times you've heard it used somewhere, the less you should use it.

Content-wise, you've got a good start! I can get a picture of what Petra looks like, especially because of your descriptions. My suggestion to you would be to expand! More details are always better. Describe what Petra looks like in explicit detail--what makes Petra Petra? What parts of her are different from everyone else? Also, think about the internals--how does Petra feel about the way she is expected to look and act? Has she ever wanted to not be proper? Does she have any favorite articles of clothing? Does she have any nervous tics or quirks?

I really like the way your personality flows--the back and forth question and answer really works for you. You've also done a great job with all the 'why's, which is something we like to emphasize in personalities, and bringing in stuff from the appearance and history. What I'd like to see here is more about her aloofness? You've got a lot of background, but I think you could tell us more directly about the kind of person Petra is.

History-wise, I think you are on the right track! I would like to know more about the rest of Petra's family, however--you talk about her parents, who are most definitely important to her life, but I'd like to see more about her brothers, if only at the beginning to make things clearer. I like how you incorporated the plot with Roderick into your history, however, as well as the other plots you've got on Wur!

Now, let's look at your posts! As we focus mainly on the profile, I'll just be brief here--your posts are definitely Beginner, and your writing voice apparent in your posts as well as your profile! The same grammar mistakes from your profile pop up in your posts as well, so be sure to re-read carefully and out loud!

Overall, I think you're on the right track, and Petra has definitely taken shape and form. So without further ado, I approve you for Beginner!

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42
TOMAS

FINDLAY
KEEPER

daddy birb is best

mimi is a potato
Steph · 18 · 7th · Dead · Single · 5 ft. 11 in.
Gryffindor Intermediate
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Jun 20 2013, 04:52 PM   Link Quote
Hullo Allie! ‘Tis Steph. I’ll be your second reviewer. Mimi’s already gone ahead and posted the requirements for Beginner, so I’m just going to get down to business.

Profile

So… as Mimi has already pointed out, you’ve got a fair amount of grammar issues going on. I feel like that’s my only big concern. Everything else is just details that can get worked in as you go along. I’m going to second Mimi’s comment about proofreading and reading things out loud. I feel like hearing the words helps a lot—at least for me—because it makes it easier to pick out awkward sentences and I feel like it makes sentence structure in general easier. Like, for instance, if you have trouble with punctuation, you can listen for those natural pauses in speech and know where to put commas.

That all said, you’ve got what I always feel like is the hard part—content. I like the way you’ve described Petra’s appearance, and I feel like I get a good grasp of all her major features, and I also feel like there’s a lot of insight into her personality/background, which is great. I’d also just like to see more details. Does she have any unusual habits? Does she fidget? Is she graceful? I know you say she doesn’t slouch, but I’m not sure I have a clear idea of what Petra’s like in motion. Describe that! My main advice is to just give more thought to the small details. Those are the things that really flesh out a character, and makes them easiest to imagine.

Moving on to personality, I like that you’ve got so much to work with. Like Mimi, I enjoyed the back and forth flow of it, and I can really see your writing style coming out. I also like that you’ve incorporated so much of Petra’s background here, as it’s obviously done a lot to shape who she is. My main suggestion here is to expand on who Petra is with different people. She’s aloof, but she’s different with friends. Okay. That seems reasonable. What sort of people does she prefer to associate with? What does she look for in a friend? Are those qualities her friends find in her the sorts of things that she looks for in other people?

With the history, I think you’re off to a great start! I like the detail you’ve put into her parents’ relationship, and that you’ve included a lot of what’s happened since she’s been at Hogwarts. Your sentences are a bit choppy in places, but I feel like the proofreading and such mentioned before will help with that? I think you’re off to a good start here!

Posts

I don’t have much to say here, since we mostly focus on the profile at this stage. I agree that your posts are definitely at Beginner level, and I like what you seem to be doing with Petra so far! I would just continue to get Petra into different situations, with different people, to see how she reacts. Friends, enemies, maybe a professor. Just keep getting her out there and see what happens!

Verdict

So... I think overall you're on a good track. I'd just keep thinking about the finer details and working those in. So, without further ado, I APPROVE you for Beginner!

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Jinx is perfection.

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5/6/15
Lily · 13 · 3rd · GUILD · ·
Ravenclaw Elite.
Offline
456
351
Awards:
Awards: 25

Jun 21 2013, 09:18 AM   Link Quote
HEYYYY IT'S ALLIE!!!! AND THIS IS LILY!!! ANDREW AND I WILL BE YOUR FINAL REVIEWER LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED [jams] [trips and falls]

PROFILE

Mimi and Steph have given you great advice with it so I'm just going to add on a tiny bit more here: for your appearance (well, Petra's appearance, naturally), I think you have a wonderful way of describing things in a more metaphorical (or emotional) sense - for instance the way her eyes are "cold as ice and dull like all the life of her as run out" - that's great! I'd love to see more of that. But try to give us some more concrete facts, too: are her eyes larger than average, is her nose larger than average, pointy, etc??? What about her mouth?? Stuff like that; we want to be able to picture Petra clearly, and then the details you have (like the smiling, which is adorable by the way) really shine out and make her come alive from the page. (:

Personality: I'm going to agree with Mimi and Steph - it's GREAT that you've incorporated so much of Petra's background into her personality! That's exactly the sort of thing we like to see and it shows that you have a good grasp on the cause-effect relationship between all three sections of the profile, so good job!!! :D But like Mimi, I would also like to see more of what Petra is - behavior-wise - on her own. What is she like, on a typical day? As for the relationships with other people, I think that will come to you in time, but touching on that will also help you write Petra.

History: I don't have much to add on top of what Steph/Mimi have given you, to be honest... I also think you're on the right track; you've got a good eye for the sort of thing we like to see. Just keep giving us more, delving in and letting us know, most importantly, how does PETRA feel about her backstory?

POSTS

Content-wise I believe you are more than OK for Beginner! So a few grammar tips: make sure you keep everything in the same tense (past, as is WR-convention) and read through your sentences slowly to make sure the verbs are conjugated correctly. A good way to judge that is to replace all your nouns with pronouns (him, her, his, hers, he, she, it, them, et cetera) and see if it still sounds right! This will simplify your sentences considerably and make it easier to see the relationship between which verb matches with which noun and such c: You're in a pretty good place with spelling, so relax! Don't rush! And keep working hard!

APPROVED FOR BEGINNER! Congrats <3

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✕    POUR ME A HEAVY DOSE OF ATMOSPHERE
Allie <3 · 16 · sixth · neutral · engaged to Hadleigh · 5"5
Banned
Offline
242
1471
Awards:
Awards: 17

Apr 9 2014, 10:36 PM   Link Quote
Link to character workshop topic:Workshop Link
Rank Applying For: Novice
At least three of your recent role play topics:
RESTRICTIVE OR NOT RESTRICTIVE ENOUGH
i wanna stuff some chocolate in my face
Safe
Special request:N/A
Justification:
Why you feel that you should move up:well i think im starting to get Petra down as a character and she's starting become real in replies. I also getting better at her responding to things and actually putting some life in replies.

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Maison · 15 · 5 · BADASS · pureblood · 5'8
Slytherin Advanced
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Awards: 18

Apr 13 2014, 08:30 AM   Link Quote
Ayo, I'm Maison and I'm here to be your first reviewer. First things first, requirements.

QUOTE
At least 3 of your recent topics with at least 3 posts by your character in each.

• Have your character profile in the workshop with another revision, by you, based on what beginner reviews suggested as well as other workshops reviews (if any).

• A variation in who you're posting with - we don't want to see that all three threads are with the same person.

• The beginnings of a long-term plot arc.

• A special request (if you'd like one) and your justification for the request.

• What we are looking for: By now we should start seeing a consistency in your character as you play them as well as your own, unique writing style forming. It won't be perfect yet, but you will be on the right track. Your grammar, spelling, and sentence structure should have improved from your beginner application. Your profile should feel more cohesive and should reflect the beginnings of your character coming together. This will be the last time we look at your profile before elite!


So. Onwards.

Before I actually get started, I'm going to take the time to address recurring issues through her profile, rather than pick them out individually. First, your usage of hyphenated words largely appears to be incorrect - this site HERE might be useful for you to read through. Second, try to vary up your pronouns! You tend to say 'Petra' or 'she' a lot, so you could try saying other things, like 'the sixth year', 'the Slytherin', 'the blonde' etc. Anything you can come up with! Third: you tend to miss things, like articles, plurals or the endings of verbs, or apostrophes. It would just be minor stuff, but it happens quite a lot in this profile, so it's all adding up. Spellcheck is your friend, proofreading is your other friend.

Appearance:
Content-wise, Petra's appearance is good, and I enjoy the way that you describe her, especially in the first paragraph. I get a very good picture of her hair, eyes, and generally her face and voice, and style of dress.

However, I have a few issues and comments with this section in particular. Namely that your sentences don't vary much at the beginning. They're very short, which in turn, makes it sound very stilted. The next part is that it doesn't appear to tell us much about Petra, other than the basics. Why is she 'hell on heels'? Is she 5'8 with or without heels? I know that Petra dyes her hair from posting with her, but this don't come up in her profile. You also state that her hair is usually in a hairdo, but you don't elaborate on that to tell us how she fixes her hair. You say she rarely smiles genuinely, yet never tell us who gets to see these smiles, or in what kind of situations one can expect to see these genuine smiles in.

In her appearance, you have a questionable part. You state that her lazy clothes are jeans and a nice shirt then go onto say that she has lazy-lazy clothes, which are sweatshirts, tanks, and shorts, though we have no idea what kind of situation calls for lazy clothes, and which call for lazy-lazy clothes. And although you say her fashion sense is girly and trendy, you don't tell us if 'girly' also means she wears copious amounts of pink, or if it just means that she loves skirts and dresses a lot. What colours does she even wear?

When you go on to state that she spends a lot of money making sure her skin is flawless, I can't help but wonder, what of her scars - which, you haven't mentioned in the appearance either, but they come up later on in her personality - and what does she do about those? From then, I just have more questions: what does she wear outside if not her signature heels? What colours does she wear? Is 'thrill' the best word to describe picking outfits for the day?

Mostly my qualms with this section are that you start telling us about her, instead of showing us, and beyond the basics, you don't go very in depth about it. Also, we have no idea about her personal opinions on her appearance. While that comes up a little bit in her personality, it doesn't in the appearance.

Personality:
I don't want to sound like a complete douchebag, but I'm going to go ahead and say it: the personality section sounds very cliched and slightly overdramatic, for me. This...is problematic. It's not her character - she doesn't come across as cliched and overdramatic in her posts, it's just during this section and the way you wrote about her personality.

To everyone else she is cold, aloof, and rude, but to her friends, she's nice, caring, smart, and loyal, and smiley and laughing. Going off of the rest of her personality section, that seems...odd. The majority of it focuses on how she has no dreams, she doesn't know who she is, and she's aloof, but on the other hand, she's also laughing with friends? It seems like a massive difference compared to the rest of the profile. I don't feel like I learn anything about Petra. This is the first time I've read her profile all the way through and it feels like a lot of 'Petra is this. Petra does this. Petra likes this. Petra doesn't like this. Petra is scared of this.' where the explanations aren't really explanations so much as they are reinforcements of the initial statement.

Also your paragraphs. Putting that she likes sweets right in the middle between her self worth and her spare time seems odd to me, because it seems totally unrelated. That, and the fact that you also repeat the same thing a couple of paragraphs later. Annnnd then I'm questioning things again...why doesn't she believe she's worth something? She spends a lot of time aware from her parents, she's capable of forming her own opinions. Why doesn't she have any hobbies or anything she likes to do? There's got to be something she likes. Why doesn't she do something about it? What does she do about these dark thoughts?

Petra is more than her abuse, even if she doesn't realise it yet, but maybe that's something you could consider for a plot arc. In the meantime, profilewise, try to write about things that she actually likes, things that make her smile, or make her happy. Focus less on her abuse, and sadness, because she's still human, and she still has emotions that show up from time to time. This is why I like the latter end of it, when it's talking about her friends, and the happy childish side that you didn't really mention, or how she likes little kids.

History:
The history is very detailed! Which is good! I like the flashbacks you've put in there, though you need to remember to double space here. Her history is very thought through, though it gets less detailed the further she gets into Hogwarts, so for this section, you might want to try to incorperate some more of her Hogwarts history in! This is her sixth year there, so she should have plenty of shenanigans for sixth year, if not the ones before that. I don't have a whole lot to say about this part other than that.

Posts:
Your posts are good contentwise, and typically are of a good length and give the other person enough to reply to. You and Petra have a distinct writing voice that shine through, however your posts tend to be riddled with things like missing punctuation, or the wrong forms of words. This might be fixed with the help of proofreading, or a spellchecker.

Verdict:
Novice is the last time we look at profile until Elite. Petra's history is excellent on its own, but most of my concern lies with the rest of the profile. I don't feel like her profile is at a point where I can approve you for Novice, and I also think that your posts have the same issue. Which is why I'm going to deny you for Novice, sorry. However, you still have two reviews left, so better luck there!

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expect frequent bad language
SLYTHERCLAW
{ wear }

MAISON IS MADE OF MAGIC AND GLITTER. xoxo
Emiro · · 5th · not quite · ·
Hufflepuff
Offline
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337
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Awards: 1

Apr 16 2014, 02:09 PM   Link Quote
Allie, Hello!! I'm Emiro and I'll be your second reviewer today. You're looking good for the Novice application requirements, so let's jump right to it! (:

I'd like to acknowledge that Maison has made some good points that you should definitely take into consideration, but I'll try to refrain from sounding like a broken record here.

Appearance:
I can really appreciate your imagery throughout this section! I especially enjoyed this, for example: "lips the color of a pale rose," (paragraph 1). It's very fresh, and just sounds so lovely; I can see that you took Mimi's suggestion in your beginner reviews on original comparisons to heart, so well done! On the other hand, though, I feel that you make a few confusing contradictions. In the same paragraph, you say that her eyes are a vibrant--bright and lively-- blue, like a summer sky-- which leads me to think warmth, care-free, and happy-- and then continue to describe her eyes as cold as ice and dull. Perhaps what you mean is that her eyes are normally an intense, ice-cold blue, but when she smiles one of her rare, genuine smiles, they're bright and vibrant as the summer's sky? They're both beautiful comparisons, and I commend you on that, but they don't make sense the way you grouped them together.

For future edits of Petra's profile, here are some questions that arose while I read through her appearrance section! So, she exercises to stay in shape-- what sorts of exercises does she normally do? Is she into certain sports for this purpose? Does she still manage to look prim and proper while exercising, or is her face flushed with exertion, her body sticky and stinky with sweat, and her hair a total mess? After all, curly hair is harder to control. Would she forbid anyone to exercise with her because she doesn't want to be seen like this? As for hair-dos; what sorts? Braids? Elegantly curled and pinned up-dos? Pig-tails? I'd also like to see what a "girly" fashion sense would entail-- lacy? Sparkly? Floral or with lots of pink and bows? And in what sorts of occasions or circumstances would she wear her hair in a certain way, or dress in a certain way? Also, what sort of perfume would she wear, or deodorant? Is she self-conscious about the way she smells, how her breath smells, or how white her teeth are? Later on in the profile you talk about her love of sweets, which are bound to stain her teeth. So does she use extra whitening strips or spells to make up for this?

I find that you're a little repetitive in some areas. I should say, you've accidentally put the same section on her love of sweets in twice, and both times I felt that it didn't really belong. Perhaps you could sneak it into her appearance section somehow? Eating habits contribute to a person's appearance, and you could even elaborate more on the subject. Does she eat well during meals to help contribute to an attractive figure, or does she only count on her exercise for that?


Personality:
I appreciate the details you've put in here, and Petra's character is becoming clearer to me. It's great, too, that you spend so much time talking about friendships-- they really are important, aren't they? I saw, though, that in one of your beginner reviews, someone suggested that you show us more of the aloof and rude side to Petra's personality, and I'm still not seeing that. I love, love, love how deep you dig into who Petra really is, but who she is on the surface is almost, if not equally as important, for it is the part of her that the majority of people will really be seeing. I know with my characters, I have a tendency to want to project them in a good light, because I understand and love them, but sometimes this leaves you with a slightly inaccurate picture of the character. Slytherins can be difficult, as they tend to have two distinct sides to their personality--when they're around good friends, and when they're around anybody else. I feel you may have made these sides sound a bit too drastically different, perhaps partially because you emphasise much more on her caring side. Even though Petra has multiple sides and aspects to her personality, they should all combine harmoniously to create one, single person. While you're certainly allowed to give her a soft, caring side, I can't help but question how true certain parts of the profile are to the real Petra. Her wish to one day become a healer seems a little off to me-- healers care for anybody and everybody who comes in, whereas Petra is very particular about who gets to see her caring side. This isn't to say, though, that she'll never become a healer! It just seems to me that she would need some sort of plot arc to get to that point of caring for everybody, not just the people who've proved themselves to her.

Another thing that I noticed was that there were important, relevant tidbits of information in your beginner profile revision that didn't to make their way into your current revision! I was asking myself why her family provided so much money for her to dress well, and I only found the answer in your beginner revision-- about how Petra was brought up prim and perfect to advance her father's social standing and her only reason to live is "to marry into a family with more power than hers." That was awesome! It was almost exactly what I was looking for, just in the wrong revision! So what I'm saying: when you make a new profile revision, don't let go of the great bits that really help bring Petra together and maker her seem more realistic!

Next, I'd love to hear more about her anger in this section. From plotting with you, I know that she has a temper, and holds a mean grudge. Ask yourself: why is this? Is she just tired of being victimized? We hear so much about her being the victim, so in what situation may she become the predator, and is she a dangerous enemy to have? You've done a great job on the whys you've already mentioned, now I think it's time to move on to more traits to give the whys to!


Background:
As I read her profile, and you reveal more tidbits about your little sixth year, there is a sense of rising action as we progress. The question of what makes her parents treat her this way and ultimately makes her who she is gets more urgent as we go along! It's really cool how you've set this up, Allie, as honestly, most of the time when I read a profile, my interest goes down a steady decline once I've hit the background section. In Petra's profile, her background is a star player! It's the front liner, and I appreciate how instrumental it is to truly understanding her.

I'm very glad that, in her newest revision, you went all of the way back to when Susan, Robert and Marcus first met. That would've been one of my biggest suggestions looking at your beginner revision, so job well done there. I love the insight we see here that shows the chain of events that lead Susan to have an affair with Marcus. I feel that your background is at a really great place, content-wise, because you've got all of the important details in. There wasn't any part of her life that I really felt was missing. Overall, it explains her well, and I think your next step is to dig deeper into the emotions of the characters. Make us feel for them, Allie! I can see the emotions there, but we're just jet-skiiing over top of them. Keep everything you have here, because it's on the right track, but give more insight into their thoughts--catch us all into the moment and suspend us there, to really understand the extent of their deepest emotions.

You know I have to mention this. Throughout the entire profile, there are a lot of grammar mistakes-- missing punctuation, missing articles, tenses that don't correspond or incorrect plural forms-- that I stumble across. I can see your writing style emerging behind these errors, Allie, and it's lovely! But I find that these mistakes are recurring, and they distract and get in the way of your communication. I did notice an improvement, however, in your sentence flow and structure in the profile-- you sprinkled in more commas, and the reading felt a lot smoother. I suggest you try adding even more commas, and experiment even more with your sentence lengths as well; try out semicolons, see what I did there? dashes, and linking words like while, whereas, although, and on the other hand.

Everyone's suggestion is to proof-read, and it is one of the best suggestions we can really give. I'll add something else to that, though-- maybe, instead of proof-reading all in one go, proof-read small sections at a time. Give yourself as much time to proof-read as you did to write it. If you spend a large block of time just proof-reading, then you might get lazier and let more things slip, whereas spending smaller amounts of time on it and spreading your revision sessions out may make the profile feel more fresh and revising less tedious. If you feel like you're just not getting it, or you're not seeing grammar mistakes in your profile, then please don't hesitate to PM me for help or clarification!


Posts:
I'll only touch on these, as I've already given you a lot to think about, and this is the last rank we look at your profile before you get to elite. So here, you give other members a sufficient amount to reply to, and I can definitely see a bit of the Petra I've read about. I found her thread with Morcelu particularly intriguing, as she discovered some of her own opinions. My only suggestion here is that you add some description into these posts, and I'd love to see some more of those comparisons that I adore so much in your profile! ^-^ Also, though, for Novice rank, you're supposed to have at least the beginnings of a plot arc. I didn't see an apparent one in your threads, so we'd love to see that in your next application, along with thread descriptions in your application post, to explain a bit of your plot arc.
A lot of people stress out about plot arcs, but the way I see it is just a chain of events that influence your character's persona and change them, in some way.


Verdict!
You've done some great work on your profile, with delightful comparisons and a background with a ton of great details! But, your personality is missing some very important bits, and it could use some balancing out, while grammatical errors are a substantial roadblock in your communication, in posts as well as the profile. Keeping in mind that this is the last time we look at your profile before elite, I'll suggest that you wait at least one month before applying again. I just wouldn't feel comfortable sending you on your merry way eventually to elite without one more revision on your profile and more reviews for feedback! I don't want to give you this leap alone to make on your profile, without any feedback, I'm sorry! Also, a plot arc is one of the requirements for Novice, so definitely be sure to have one for next time. If you have any questions about something I said here, or could use some help with something I suggested, feel free to PM me any time!

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Steph · 18 · 7th · Dead · Single · 5 ft. 11 in.
Gryffindor Intermediate
Offline
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7327
Awards:
Awards: 53

Apr 21 2014, 01:32 PM   Link Quote
Hullo Allie! I'll be your third and final reviewer. Maison has already posted up the requirements for Novice, so I'll just get right on to it!

Emiro and Maison have given you a lot of good advice on content, and I'm not sure what I can add to that that hasn't already been said. I think you have a good basis here to work off of--it's mostly the details that bring it all together that seem to be missing. Sometimes I think it helps to write your profile like you're trying to explain your character to someone who needs every little thing explained to them. I feel like that solves the problem of "I know what I mean, but the reader doesn't necessarily know what I mean"--a problem I think we've all fallen into at one point or another!

That all said, my main concern is your grammar. We're never expecting perfection here--even the best writers have editors because we all make slip ups--but I worry that if it's not addressed, it'll just hold you back when you get to higher ranks. I think I'd rate "grammar and spelling" a bit lower than character development on the list of things that are needed for ranking, but that doesn't mean it isn't important. You have a lot of instances of tense confusion or places where the wrong word is used. I'm not sure how to be more specific with this without picking out every instance and correcting it, because I'm not sure what's wrong here, exactly? Like, I don't know if it's a matter of needing to proofread more carefully, or if it's an issue with understanding some of the grammar rules or... I don't know, stylistic choices going haywire. As far as proofreading goes, I think Emiro's given you some good advice. I think, especially as you keep revising and your profile keeps getting longer, it might become more and more difficult to just proof it all in one go. I know that when I'm trying to proofread my stuff, it all kind of runs together after awhile--especially if there isn't a lot of time between when I wrote it and when I'm reading it over. I also think it can be helpful to read things out loud. Does it sound natural? Does anything trip you up as you try to read? You probably can't do this with posts so much, but it might be worthwhile to try to have someone else read over your profile if you can? Even with all that we've said on proofreading, I think it's still easy to fall into the trap of overlooking things that other people might trip over. I think it can be helpful to have an extra set of eyes on things. I know you get three extra sets come review time, but at that point it's kind of do or die, you know?

Again, I feel a bit unsure where to give the advice here. Though, if you'd like more one-on-one help with anything--if you think that would be helpful to you, I mean, not... "this is a thing you need take it now"... but if you'd ever like that, you're welcome to ask. We're here for that sort of thing if you want it.

Verdict

So I know this is fairly short. >.< But I think that Maison and Emiro have mostly covered anything else I'd like to say. I think you're definitely improving, I just think that there are some areas that still need work and those are what are ultimately holding you back. For now, I'm going to suggest you wait one month before applying again.

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Allie <3 · 16 · sixth · neutral · engaged to Hadleigh · 5"5
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Feb 20 2018, 09:21 PM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Novice
At least three of your recent role play topics:

I have a best friend, best of all best friends arc
Tinsel and Giftwrap featuring Kala and Petra
Most of her friendship, up to this point, has been mostly males. In this thread, Petra is on a shopping trip with Kala, a recently gain friend. Girl friendships are the best and, I enjoy this thread because its the start of Petra and Kala's friendship that will transition into adulthood(Dowling Wives Club Forever). Also who else can she talk about kissing with??
Hello, my name is.... featuring Rea/Lacey & Petra
So Rea and Petra have been friends since the first year of Hogwarts. She has a vulnerability with her that she rarely shows with anyone else. Also, she is dealing with her first real love? And she doesn't want to actually feel these things, nor, does she want to deal with them.

starry night arc
{big bang or collision}
[i]So this one is fun, Petra and Hadleigh's first real interaction since finding out the news of their new arranged marriage to each other.
{and you don't have to love me, love me} love me
A cute and corny thread. With holidays parties coming up, Hadleigh plans a night for just them before the incoming hassle of pureblood society. Also a little surprise as well.

Commentary: To be honest, I'm completely scared of this.. So its has been about three years since I last put her in ranks. I think as a character she has changed and grew with me during those years. Hopefully, it shows.

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Stells Artois · 16 · 6th · Viridian Guild · Pureblood · 5'11
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Feb 20 2018, 09:36 PM   Link Quote


Application Accepted!

Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.

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Kenz · 17 · 7th · Neutral · Halfblood · 6'1"
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Mar 4 2018, 10:27 PM   Link Quote
Hi Allie! We’ve met before, however brief or long <3 I’m here to be your first reviewer. I haven’t done this in a very long time and never in the style the ranking system uses today, so please bear with me and we can get through this together, okay?

QUOTE
what we’re looking for at novice
At least 9 posts by your character over 3 threads.
Some variation in who you're posting with (ie. threads should not all be with the same character).
The beginnings of a long-term plot arc, or at least an idea of where you would like to see your character move towards.
A special request (if you'd like one) and your justification for the request. Make sure to highlight any changes you have made between Beginner and now.
At Novice, we are focused on consistency in character and writing. At this stage, we will take a break from your profile, and look solely at your character’s threads and plots, with a focus on your character as they have now had time to interact with others. Having had time to develop your character, you should be comfortable writing some common situations they find themselves in. Grammar, spelling, and punctuation should also be consistently correct at this stage, if not always perfect.


So now that’s out of the way. I haven’t ever had the pleasure to personally thread with Petra and this makes me excited because this will be something new. You slid right into an easy going relationship with Petra and Kala and I love this. I love from the very moment you start writing, you’re responding to your writing partner and Petra is clearly in a comfortable place:

QUOTE (Tinsel and Giftwrap)
Petra hummed happily to herself as she walked beside the curly hair(ed) lionness. Shopping always put her in a good mood. She wanted to skip and spend tons of money…(etc)


You go on to give us insight about why it would be a bad thing to spend so much money and I love seeing the background about why she feels she can’t spend this money in such an early post. It’s also clear from your very first post that Kala and Petra are established friends and I get the idea they have spent time together before this, whether or not this was your first thread with them together. This takes a considerable amount of forethought and planning from the writers and makes me happy to see.

→ One quick note I did want to make about the howlers, however is that in the first book, Neville says that howlers are worse when they are not opened right away and HP Wiki says they increase in volume the longer they sit around.

Your imagery is of what Petra is doing as well and responding to Mari and interaction with Kala is strong, mixed with why Petra is on the trip. I like that you not only tell use character traits, (like blunt) but have examples within your posts on how she is blunt. This is good stuff, please keep it up! The sentences mix and flow together to create a better picture Petra as a whole and I am happy to see this. You successfully help move the plot and story along with questions and actions that Petra has, and I’m please to see this, also.


Your second thread griped me as a reader with your first sentence:

QUOTE (Hello my name is…)
At some point in the evening, Petra knew Rae would appear


It made me want to know more and even without knowing the history of the two girls, I was sent into thoughts about why she was waiting for her friend (as this is her friendship arc section of the app) and what exactly was going to happen and who Rae was/is to Petra. Excellent. But because I can’t only throw you fantastic kudos - with this first post that was a starter, I felt a little lost on outside imagery.

I figured out that she’s in the her dorm room only because she got up from her bed. This is her space, where she’s lived for a long time other than summers. Is it filled with her items? With posters all over the walls? Pictures of her family on the side table? Are her covers green like the Slytherin colors? You do a beautiful job of illustrating her feelings and her thoughts, but I want to know… Is she wearing pajamas? Regular clothing? Give us a way to better picture her because without looking at her playby or at your profile, there’s not much I have to go by.

You say she’s waiting for Rae, but this thread gives me a lot of insight on how she feels about other relationships she has, too. And your metaphors are spot on, describing how she is forming a crush on her fiance - it gave me feels, Allie. I’m going to drop it here for others to see:

QUOTE (Hello my name is…)
She wasn’t in love with him, but she was forming a crush on her fiance. That’s what scared her. How could she explain this withdraw? Or this addiction? When it was caused by his stupid smile.


I hope this thread isn’t over yet, because Allie, I want to stalk it and know more. Feelings are always one of my favorite things to have characters go through and the fact that Petra is about to spill to her best friend changing feelings towards her fiance… I want keep reading. You’ve gripped me from the start and now I hope it isn’t done.


Starry Night Arc

This takes us to our next arc (and by our, I really mean yours/Petras, I’m just along for the ride, here) and I do need to mention that one thing that struck me was that in the first thread with them, you have some posts that are many paragraphs long and others that are rather short. I’m not saying this is bad or even that it hinders your ability as a writer, but it did sort of, throw me off? Since I mentioned outside imagery before, I will again - let the five senses be your friend as a writer and think about not only what Petra is seeing or hearing, but smells, the textures of things she is touching and let this guide your/her thoughts about other things as well. You tell us she doesn’t like the outdoors - the dirt or the smell of the earth, but that doesn’t exactly tell us what she is seeing now if that makes sense?

Her disbelief of Hadleigh’s actions made me pause for a moment because I had just read about changing feelings towards him with Rae and I had to look at when this was posted - I will come back to this later. I swear I won’t forget.


QUOTE ({big bang or collision})
The snake stopped in mid-stride as she heard the sound of hoofbeats off in the distance


→This! I want more of this. I knew you had it in you. Sprinkle things like this around more, with all of her senses.

This thread hits home the idea that I saw before that she is the “Slytherin Princess” While I read the term in your last thread with Rae, it isn’t being put together until now exactly why you call her this. This can be both good and bad - it’s good because it carried over throughout your plots and arcs, but at the same time, when I read it with Rae, I’m not sure the term applied - where here, as she hates nature and she doesn’t want Hadleigh’s help but at the same time does because holy smokes, this is scary stuff. I also think this thread carries some of your strongest writing, which makes sense because I think you’re deeply invested in this plot/arc/thread. Here is some more beautiful metaphors:

QUOTE ({big bang or collision})
As the sound of hooves and stomping against the earth became louder so did the racing in her heart became faster. As they emerge(d) from the tree lines, fighting, Petra felt like a frightened rabbit unable to move as the scene unfolded. Petra gasped in horror at the sight of a centaur being tossed in the air.


This is beautiful. I love similes and metaphors such as these, mixed with feelings just a few sentences gave your reader. Awesome.

There are so many emotions and leaps and bounds gained in this thread by Petra and it makes me so happy that I am along for this ride because now I have something to stalk in the future… No, in all seriousness, I’m very happy with how complete and wholesome this thread is. The journey was excellent and I’m very happy that even though it took you and Lyx months to complete it, you also stuck with it.

The next thread was warm and fuzzy and it completes the thoughts I saw forming in Petra during the threads with Kala and Rae - her feelings towards Hadleigh are changing. I look forward to watching as this plot continues and thickens.

Overall thoughts
Here, I’m going to give you some suggestions as you continue along your way. Feel free to disregard any of them if they are not your thing, this is just some food for thought.

→ I would have probably put both of your arcs into one. Don’t hate me yet! I’ll explain why - All of these threads have the resounding thoughts and feelings about Hadleigh. This is not a bad thing, it just might be something you think about to make your plot arcs stronger in the future. Kind of like: How can this one arc have multiple people, what are the overall themes of the arc? This is probably more of a preference than a rule of thumb, but it’s a good thought process - especially when the growth within the plot is definitely within Petra towards Hadleigh in specific. I’m not saying she doesn’t have her best friends, but that my overall feelings towards the threads you presented was that this is Petra growing feelings about Hadleigh, also.
→ I promised at one point in this review that I would get back to the thought about my moment of confusion. Remember as your organize your plots and threads within your app, chronological order can sometimes be easier to follow (don’t worry, I’ve learned this the hard way, too) Jumping from changing/budding crushes on the fiance to backwards in time with how she felt when they were first told they were engaged confused me for a moment and remembering that while it makes sense to you, it might not to someone who does not know Petra inside and out like the back of your hand.
→ Imagery. I mentioned this above so I won’t go into details, but all five senses within different posts scattered throughout the thread is a powerful tool to use as a writer.
→ I loved that you had her family involved in some of the threads and your use of npcs was excellent. Continue to weave her background, childhood and past memories into your posts to create a more complete Petra. I didn’t read her profile and while I got hints of her relationships with her parents, it led me to wondering more about her childhood as well.
→ Keep pushing her. Most of these threads were happy, or experiencing romantic feelings - what about making her angry? We saw a little of this with the train thread, but I want more.
→ I want to see her with a boy that isn’t Hadleigh. I’m curious about her interaction with other students that aren’t her friends or fiance, as well. Different ages, maybe a professor is always good for something new or different, as well.
→ Proofreading. This is the bear of all bears and I feel hypocritical even pointing it out because well… If you look at my most recent reviews, I need to do more of my own proofreading as well. I found many sentences within your posts that were wonky, usually with a typo or a missed (s) or (ed) at the end of the word. Tense is important or it gives the reader a completely different image or thought process in their minds.
→ Here are two examples of wonky sentences. There were more, but for both our sakes, I picked out these two to focus on:

QUOTE (Tinsel and Giftwrap)
Her advice might be a little too forward


→ Now, this sentence is not wrong, actually, but the tense is. Petra had already given the advice, so it needed to be in past tense. Her advice might’ve been a little too forward

QUOTE (Hello my name is…)
She wasn’t in love with him, but she was forming a crush on her fiance. That’s what scared her. How could she explain this withdraw? Or this addiction? When it was caused by his stupid smile.


→I quoted this earlier - remember how I said I loved it? I still do, don’t worry - but I wanted to point out that starting that sentence with “when” I expected to see more of an explanation of what you meant. It doesn’t need to be there at all if you don’t want to finish the thought process - but as a reader my brain went give me more

Whew! You stuck with me throughout all of this and I’m so glad you did. Petra is a character I look forward to seeing grow even more in the future. You’ve got a good handle on who Petra is as a character and I’ve seen some very good writing with feelings and thought processes. These are definitely your strengths and it shines in the threads you’ve given us to look at. I APPROVE you and @Petra Connor for NOVICE, good luck with your next review! If you have any questions/concerns or need any more explanations on any of my thoughts, please feel free to skype or PM me at anytime <3

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Lacey · 17 · 7th · Undecided · Pureblood · 5'4''
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Mar 12 2018, 09:18 AM   Link Quote
Allie, darling. It is I, Lacey-Jay, here to be your second reviewer for the rank of Novice! Kenzie has already done a wonderful job going over the requirments and establishing that you had fulfilled all that is needed for this next ranking. I want to focus on your ARCS in general, as Kenzie has already done such a fabulous job overall with your posts. Without further delay, here we go!

I have a best friend, best of all best friends arc
    First of all, I love this arc. I think it's so cute and very important to Petra as a character. However, I agree with Kenzie and would suggest combining this arc with your starry night arc, since they both kind of roll into one another. A lot of the topics discussed in Tinsel and Giftwrap and Hello, my name is deal with the starry night arc. However, I think they are both plays on one another. One cannot exist and develop without the other, no? Petra needs her friends in order to deal with her feelings towards Hadleigh, so I think this is important! Let me go into each thread and see where I can make some suggestions!

Tinsel and Giftwrap
    Let me start with a sweet quote.

    QUOTE
    "Maybe I should just give him a kiss." She thought out loud, though thought against it. "No! I can't" She added, "Hadleigh doesn't really like people touching him." She commented, giving Kala some context into who Hadleigh was. "He likes astronomy and quidditch. Maybe, I just by him a telescope or a new broom?" Why was buying for a boy a lot harder for a girl?


    Awe this is adorable. So sweet and innocent of her to just let loose around her girlfriend, Kala. I think this is nice and you should develop it more. All those slips of the tongue are awesome to read, and it really draws me and other readers in. I really think you have a good grasp on Petra, as her voice is consistent and strong throughout this thread. I feel like I'm getting a good picture into her mind, which is a lovely thing. However, I really would like to see more in your thread about their surroundings, the noises and the outside world. I feel like I'm inside her head, which is great, but I want to see the scene in front of me a bit more. Always proofread, dear. A few mixed up words here and there, but nothing crazy!


Hello, my name is


    I have the absolute pleasure of being your thread partner in this one, so I am quite familiar! I really like the dynamic between Rae and Pet (obviously bias here!), but I agree with Kenzie. I think we need to see more of the surroundings, and be able to visualize the two girls in the dorm. I want to quote something in particular that I love.

    QUOTE
    Though, that didn't seem the case as she was internally dealing with a crisis that might not be a crisis. She looked over to Rea, "hug me" she pathetically reached out for Rae as she has done, a million of times, asking for a hug.


    Now after reading through the rest of your threads, I appreciate this quote even more. Why? Because it keeps the same voice and tone that you have beautifully created for Petra. Not everyone would do such a thing and be vulnerable around everyone, and I think this is a beautiful thing. And I think the development and growth of Petra is important for her, especially in relationship to her best friend Rae. Wonderful!


Starry Night Arc


    I like this arc a lot! Again, I think the best friend arc and this one would be better suited together, but I still think this is a good one for Pet! Let's get started!


{big bang or collision}


    So I have two quotes from this thread that I want to bring up.

    QUOTE
    "Fine. I will take your deal, but you owe me a week worth of candy." She mumbled as she took off his jacket and tying it around her waist. "So that we are clear. I'm not doing this because you are bribing me with candy." She muttered as she looked away, her cheeks puff out in annoyance of having to succumb to his ridiculous demand of carrying her.


    From the beginning of the thread. Her reluctance is apparent here, and just like how most teenagers would act in her situation, she is standing her ground and I love it. Here again, we see Petra's voice strong and firm, as a lover of all things sweet. I like this!!

Anddddd


    QUOTE
      "I'm only admitting this to you, Jingle. Mostly because you can't talk and you know all my secrets anyway, but I find myself wanting to see his smile again. Funny, wanting someone to smile." She whispered to her cat as she cuddled him. Jingle meowed in response, "Well, it's like when you finished a good book and you want more. That's how it feels." Her cat meowed again. "Your right there is a sequel, but to think that he would be someone important. He has always been a background character." Petra responded warmly to the cat. "He is a strange person; quiet and brooding but nice." She kissed her cat on the top of the head as it purred into her chest.


    THIS IS ADORABLE, and awesome and I'm so glad this thread is here. It shows a change from beginning to end! This is your strongest thread, by far. Kudos!


{and you don't have to love me, love me} love me


    Overall, I love this thread. It shows a lot of growth, and I think your arc with Hadleigh is very clear and defined. Petra is an awesome character, and I could go on and on about that. Here is a quick quote that I love!

    QUOTE
    Feeling the warmth of his hands through her gloves, Petra looked down at their hands; feeling of guilt being replaced by a familiar giddy feeling she got when he held her hand.


    This is so important because it shows that there is still work to do, regarding there relationship. Great job!

Overall
    As you can see, I love Petra. She's a wonderful character, who you have showed a lot of care and pride in. I think you have her voice down very well, great job! Proofreading is your best friend! I would just work on that, so you can have less grammar and spelling errors. Expanding on the imagery and surroundings of the threads will help give your threads a bit more depth. You are most certainly on your way! I happily APPROVE you and Petra on the rank of NOVICE. Congrats! If you have any questions, you know where to find me! <3

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