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Posted: Jul 16 2017, 05:34 AM
Rank Applying For: Beginner
Link to character workshop topic: Hi this is a disaster
At least two of your recent role play topics: the little mermaid [except not really] - Alani meets Alston Byrne for the first time and accidently tricks him into thinking she's a mermaid, confuses Loki with low key. Oh yeah and she almost drowns. Don't worry. She still thinks the squid just wants to be friends...
when it rains, it pours - She meets with Alston the first time after the lake scene for dinner. But are his intentions really all that honorable? Alani seems to think so!
rainrain go away - Alani accidentally flirts with Brydon and he kisses her.
Commentary: SO! I have some wonderful drama planned for this wonderful ball of sunshine so I'm actually really excited for this.
Posted: Jul 16 2017, 05:49 AM
Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.
These cute pixels were made by the most wonderful Evan ♡
Posted: Jul 23 2017, 12:37 PM
Hey Puzzle, I know I already apologized for being so slow on you, so we can skip that part and go straight to the requirements so you are finally getting a review from me. Here we go!
You’ve been there a few times already so this looks all good of course. I’m going to have a closer look at your profile today and I won’t make any grand speeches and just move straight forwards <3
Appearance: At first glance I can definitely see you expanded on this, which is always good to see because we cannot have one paragraph sections. It still looks a little short so I will try and give you some expansion advice of course. I have to say that I think the beginning of your appearance for Alani is a little unfortunate, because you are comparing her to her mother. But we do not know Alani’s mother - and if you are entirely honest, we also do not care about her mother, because this is about Alani. So if you are going for the higher ranks, I would suggest you start differently, and you do not empathize these things too much. The part when you are saying whom she resembles more definitely works - but the comparison shouldn’t be guiding your appearance, because it strays too far away from the character you are talking about.
There are a few awkward sentences/typos in here which I will just point out quickly before going through the content:
→ The beginning of this sounds a little crooked, and I doubt you can wear shows ;3
→ I do not mind long sentences but this is one of the cases where the reader loses the point halfway through. Commas or slashes definitely help to fix phrases like that.
→ I am not sure if you can call it a feature because it first made me think of something on her body.
Now, let’s get down to business and talk about content. You mentioned the basics of her looks, but it is all scratching on the surface. I love the details like her shell necklace and the way it looks all tarnished from wearing it all the time. For future edits, I want to see more details. The first things that came to my mind were stuff like her general body shape and height, as you already mentioned the way she moved. Think about details like her skin - is it dry and flaky or oily? Does she wear makeup? If so, which colours does she use? How is Alani wearing her hair? I know you are really great at describing textures and colours from reviewing Brandy twice, so don’t be afraid to bring these skills to Alani, too - don’t tell me simple colours, give me pretty descriptions. Talk about her hands, about flaws - because flaws make our characters more vivid. Does she have scars, tattoos? Does she have moles? Does she tan or burn? You offer a good base, but there is a lot you can expand on. Bonus: how does she talk? Does she have an accent? Does she use certain talking patterns? I know this is a lot of input but consider the next profile review is Intermediate, so you can’t offer too much information :3
I am sure reviewer #2 has to say some things as well, so I will move on to Alani’s personality now:
I really don’t want to ride on the grammar train for too long, but I have to say that I would like to see more proofreading in future ranks - both in profile and in threads. I wouldn’t mention it but you have a lot of very long sentences where pronouns no longer match the beginning of your sentence, and that’s sad because you are definitely saying good things. But they get lost when the sentences are too crooked. Let me give you two examples that jumped me straight at the beginning of this section.
→ When reading this sentence out loud, I am still confused where you wanted to take this - and therefore I suggest you to try the same and read long sentences out loud to see if you can still follow your own train of thoughts.
→ This is another very long sentence which you could break up, but the part I underlined was the one that put me off. When written like this, you make it sound like the girl’s mother was not a stubborn child - and I doubt that this is what you wanted to day. I would pull the stubborn child part back, so it could be like this: Alani’s mother[/u] often found herself arguing until she was blue in the face as she tried to reason with the small girl as to why it was important that they killed roaches, instead of just putting them outside or why they couldn’t adopt every stray beast they came across at the local animal shelter - even though Alani generally wasn’t a stubborn child.
This does not necessarily stand in opposition to each other? I came back to this because of the paragraph that followed this one, and I think you can ditch the first part of the sentence, because you are coming back to Alani not being the brightest lightbulb on the lamp - so you do not need it here.
Generally, I think you did very well on Alani’s personality, and I think the way your organized your paragraphs makes sense. For future edits I would like to see more changes concerning typos and the structure of your sentences, because I think you can erase all those slips with more proofreading. You covered all the traits of Alani, and I like how she is actually flawed and you are pointing it out. Content-wise, you could tie in more of her relationships to others - be it family, friends, lovers or enemies, because you already did very well on involving current Hogwarts events such as the auction. For expansion, you can always add examples and dig deeper into the whys behind her traits, but you already did a good job on this. Now that personalities are not my forte, I am sure your second reviewer can give some more advice than I did. So let’s move on!
History: I really love how you started with the history of Alani’s parents, because these are most definitely my favourite kind of histories :3 Now, what do I have to say here. I have to admit that it started well and then it all seemed a little rushed? You mentioned Ilvermorny all of the sudden, while there was not even a hint she received a letter. I would like to see 1. more childhood memories 2. more details about her magic 3. more about her time at Hogwarts, although I understand she is a transfer and you couldn’t fill in that much yet. Pay attention that you do not stray too far from Alani’s life by talking too much about her mother - remember my first comment on your profile? We do not care that much about her mom, because this is about Alani.
Generally my biggest issue is that you need to proofread more - and often not in the way of having typos, because I make them a lot, too. There are many crooked sentences in each of your appearances, and that derails a lot of your hard work on painting a very nice image of Alani. I will just have a quick look at your posts and leave them to your second reviewer <3
You can guess that further ranking will require more variety than two different people, but I feel like the Alani in your profile matches the one in your posts very well, and I love how excited she always sounds. You offer a good post length as well and plenty to react to, so I will leave the rest for your second reviewer.
Without further ado, I am going to APPROVE you and @Alani Lua-Millers for BEGINNER, congrats and good luck with your second review <3 If you have any questions, feel free to poke me on skype!
|♥ Blyssenor Wright||
Posted: Jul 31 2017, 02:56 PM
Hey Puzzles! It's Alice and I will be your second and final reviewer.
As a character, Alani instantly strikes me as being consistent with the way you've described her in your profile. She's breezy, fun-loving, shoe-hating, and a giant ray of sunshine. Don't tell anyone, shhhh, but those are some of my favorite characters in existence. We all love some drama and heartache, some of which Alani has a little bit in her background, but to have a character who is strong enough to stand on their own two feet without that is a testament to the writer's ability. I'm not knocking those other characters at all, I promise - they make up a majority of my list. But building depth without that to help is truly impressive and I think you're doing a swell job in that regard with Alani. Thank you for that!
Your writing with her is - as expected - a breath of fresh air. That said, I certainly see what Tine mentioned when it comes to wonky sentences and the occasional typo or wrong word altogether. Almost as if your laptop might have auto-correct on it. My new one did when I got it and it drove me absolutely bonkers. If not, never fear, sometimes our fingers just like to write different words than what our brains intended. That is where the proofreading comes in. I know it's tempting to want to hit that submit button almost instantly after you've finished a post, but going back over it will do you and Alani a world of good. The same can be said of your profile, as suggested by Tine. For your next revision, I would go back over it a day after you've completed it with fresh eyes just to catch any mistakes that were made. Heck, do that with your posts too, even if they're already posted.
One thing that I've noticed is that you will paint vivid imagery of something in your posts and then will use that same description again in the same post, sometimes more than that, which takes away the effect of your word choice. I'm a huge fan of variety - it kills me to reuse descriptors more than once in a post unless it is on purpose and for effect. But hey, maybe you're not like that and think it's okay! If so, that's cool, but I think paying closer attention to that will help smooth out anything repetitive and get your posts to flow even better. That said, you find a lot of different ways to refer to Alani - my personal favorite being 'The Hawaiian,' as it's different, so no complaints there.
For the next rank, variety would definitely be key! Let's see how Alani interacts with other girls. We've seen her with Alston and Brydon, but maybe... a girl of her own house? You've thrown her out of her comfort zone already, more than once, which is absolutely awesome to see. She handles it all pretty well, too, despite the fact that it is all new to her. But I do like your attention to detail - she still feels lonely, even though she is happy for her mother. I might even suggest a thread in London where she is forced to be out of her element again in a large city that is, by all rights, pretty much the opposite of where she grew up. It can build on the fact that she is already feeling out of place.
Overall, I think it's safe to say that I approve Alani for beginner! She's got such spunk and she's adorable - not to mention I love the way that you write her. Squishy sunshine girls have a special place in my heart. For Novice, I would definitely take some time to proofread both your posts and profiles for any weird sentences and typos. That is something that is easy to do and will make one heck of a difference. Even read things out loud if you aren't sure if they work or not. I do it all the time! I also suggest showcasing some threads of her with different people, perhaps another girl, and in situations that show a different side of her character to flesh her out and add to her character depth.
Wonderful job, love! If you have any questions at all, please don't hesitate to reach out to me on Skype or through PM.
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