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 Shion Suzuki - Novice
Yurio · 16 · 6th · Neutral · Halfblood · 5'5”
Ravenclaw Novice
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Awards: 53

Dec 12 2017, 11:45 AM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Beginner
Link to character workshop topic: Here!
At least two of your recent role play topics:
what's lost can always be found with Tammuz Amar-Sin
Tammy and Shion have been friends since Shion's first year and Tammy's second, and clicked rather quickly. Lately, Shion's Dark Days have been affecting him more openly, and who's better to come help than one of his closest friends. Keep an eye on these two.
aster tataricus with Fae Forsythe
Shion loves Fae - she's one of his favourite people in the world just because she's so happy-go-lucky at a face value, but this shows how relaxed and adaptive he really is.
but I don't need you with Miles Beckett
While this is an owl post, I wanted to include it just for a bit of context on how quickly Shion's anxious thoughts can take over him, and how it's all pretty much a slippery slope to him.
Commentary: I would like to move up because I have so much more to share about Shion, about his history, and how that affects his personality and his appearance, and what has made him the boy he is, basically. But due to some well-timed advice, I was told to hang back to avoid shooting myself in the foot later, since one of my WURR goals is to eventually and hopefully get Shion to Elite one day. One of my only sort of concerns with my writing is that I fall into the pit of 'run-on sentences' very easily, and I know I'm already a lot more conscious of it since joining the site. My other concern is that I hope my writing isn't boring, and if it is, I would like some advice! <3

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Jinx · 17 · 6th · Neutral · Pureblood · 5'11"
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Dec 12 2017, 12:20 PM   Link Quote


Application Accepted!

Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.

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thank you evan for pixel <3 and thank you so much lacey for the secret santa banner c:
Robin · 15 · 5th Year · Viridian Guild Leader · Pureblood · 5'
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Dec 19 2017, 02:31 PM   Link Quote
Hi Yurio! I don’t believe we’ve properly met yet – I’m Robin and I will be your first reviewer today! First, let’s check the requirements.

QUOTE

what we’re looking for at beginner

  • At least 4 posts by your character over 2 threads. Your most recent post must be made within three months of the date of your application.
  • Have your character profile in the workshop with at least one revision of each section posted by you. (If you choose not to include an appearance section at sorting, you must include it when you post your workshop profile, and then provide a subsequent revision for this rank).
  • At the beginner rank, we are focused on building up your character. We will give you suggestions on how to expand your profiles and posts, particularly in regards to content, in order to gain as complete a picture of your character as possible. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.) and spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post. Additionally, we'd like to see that you have made an effort to expand all areas of the profile (i.e. not just personality or not just history).

That looks good, so let’s get started! I will be taking an in-depth look at your profile, while your next reviewer will comment more on your posts!

First I’d just like to shed some light on the blood status matter. You describe Shion as “son of a Pureblood and a Halfblood” – that actually makes him a Halfblood ^^ Half-blood is anything in-between muggleborn and pureblood, it can mean one of your parents was a muggle, but it can also mean both parents were wizards but simply not pure themselves. It means there is muggle or muggleborn blood in your family tree somewhere, in Shion’s case that would be on the side of the Halfblood parent. Perhaps the wikia explains it best:
QUOTE
It should be noted that any wizard who is neither Pure-blood nor Muggle-born is considered a Half-blood, even if they have two wizard parents; they need not have exactly half-Muggle/half-wizard heritage.


Appearance
Let me start by saying how I love that you immediately tie his personality to the descriptions of his appearance! It’s great to see the different sections of your profile being reflect in each other, it means you have a good grip on this character and know all the why's behind the what's – so that’s awesome! ^^ You also have great content here already, I love all the little details, like how the muscles in his face move when he expresses different emotions. You have some really good stuff here.

QUOTE
Sometimes it sticks up so much, it adds to his height. And he already stands at an average five foot and eight inches,

I just wanted to quote this because it is such a clever way of seamlessly incorporating new information and moving on to a new topic (here going from hair to body type). Your profile flows really well, tying everything neatly together instead of just summing things up, so kudos!

For the next revision, you’ll mostly just want to keep adding content. ^^ The more you’ll write Shion, the more things you’ll discover about him, so this probably won’t be a problem! To get you started, I’ll give you some suggestions. For example, you didn’t say anything yet about his voice or speech pattern, so that’s something to think about. You could also think of posture, how does he carry himself? How does he walk, or sit? What’s also always fun to consider is, does he have any ticks? What does he do when he’s nervous, or embarrassed?

Given your history section, you also have a lot of information about his ancestors, so something you can also include is if there is a family resemblance, or a specific recognisable trait that is passed down in the family. For example, about the Suzukis you say:
QUOTE
They were known for their trademark looks that seemed almost ingrained in their heritage; dark skin, almost like it had been kissed by the sun for hours, frames built to be strong rather than to sit around drinking tea all day

Is this something that is recognisable in Shion as well, or does he take more after his mother’s side?

Personality
First of all, I’d like to say that it’s great how you throw examples of his behaviour in there – it shows us what these traits look like in practice, and make everything more personal (and specific to Shion), which emphasises that he is a unique character. I also like how you show that some traits can have negative consequences, like how spacing out means he’s not a good listener.

Something that I think you can elaborate on is how his shy, quiet side and his sarcastic, messing-with-people side are both parts of him – the best way to do that is probably to dig into the why’s of his behaviour. You give us some insight into why he is quiet – he overthinks, he worries about how others perceive him, etc. This might make it seem strange that he kinda likes messing with people from time to time as well – I know these are traits that can definitely exist in one character, but I’d like to understand why they exist in Shion better. You mention “he’ll play it off as teasing, or rather, just his attempt at making friends or holding a conversation,” which makes me think that perhaps it’s a bit of a confidence rush for him? What’s also interesting imo is whether the aforementioned quote is the truth or something he tells himself? Maybe he likes teasing because it makes him feel closer to people (like friends) – but it’s also possible that maybe he likes teasing others as a defence against his own depression, to make himself feel a little power while living with something that always makes one feel powerless. If it’s the latter it’s possible he doesn’t want to admit that to himself. So many possibilities! These are questions that will need answers by your next profile revision ^^ Think of all the why’s – because you understand your character the best, and you’ll have to explain it to us so we understand it too =p

There are a lot of other things that you can add too – things that you’ll undoubtedly figure out by the time you have to re-write your profile simply by continuing to write him, but I’ll try to offer some ideas to get you going! Try to include his relationships – what are the relationships that matter to him, and how do these relationships influence him? The very same traits can show up differently depending on the situation or the person one’s around, so this can add a lot of substance to the personality section. What kind of friend is Shion? What kind of son is Shion? How about romance, what are Shion’s opinions on that? Are there people Shion doesn’t like, or traits that get on his nerves, and why? What is Shion like under pressure, or influenced by negative emotions, like anger? These are things that are also interesting to explore in threads – let something make him angry, or stressed, and see what that does to him to understand him even better.

One of the things we ask for is effort to expand all sections of the profile – so a big part of your next revision will be adding to Personality, especially given how small it is compared to your history section. Appearance will need to be expanded too, of course, but personality in particular is essential to your character and thus needs more meat.

History
So compared to your other sections, your history is very lengthy – but lengthy is never a bad thing in profiles. After all, we all have a lot to say about out characters, so lengthy is good! Unfortunately I do have to point out that 2/3rd of what you have under history isn’t about Shion specifically – it’s his family’s history, and I understand how that can be relevant, but Shion’s profile should first and foremost be about Shion, and tell us more about him as a person. I actually did the same for my pureblood kid the first time I ranked her – I also put a lot of work into the family and it took up most of my character’s background. And I can see how much work you put into Shion’s family as well – which is fantastic, it’s great to have the lore of your pureblood family all worked out, and you undoubtedly did a wonderful job on that. I’d just like to have more information regarding Shion next time.

So I received the same advice back when I ranked my first pureblood child, and the way I fixed it was by making family history a separate part of my workshop. That isn’t to say that you can’t find different ways to go about this. Perhaps once you start expanding your profile for intermediate, you’ll have so much to say about Shion that there won’t even be an imbalance anymore, or perhaps you could blend the family history into Shion’s history by, for example, showing how some family values and/or practises were passed down and still exist in Shion’s life – this can be anything from antiques to recipes or lullabies or even simple household habits. We want to see how these ancestors are relevant to Shion, how they affect him. Try to make Shion the focus of your profile, even in the history section. Think of it this way: your family history is valuable – but try to put Shion at the centre, with all these stories of his ancestors circling him like planets around the sun. They are part of his universe, but Shion should still be the star. Does that make sense?

Oh, actually, you gave me an idea when you started the profile with “Shion would commonly ask his mother about their heritage (…) She started by telling Shion about his great grand-father” – if you ever want to write a free-form profile you could use Hana reminiscing as a format, it could allow you to include reactions from Shion to all this family history, which would give us more insight into Shion as a person. This is just an idea of course, if you’d like to keep using the format you’re currently using, then that’s fine too!

But, back to Shion – I LOVE his mother’s lesson, and how it stuck with him, and how we can see this tie back to the traits you mentioned in his personality. It also makes me wonder if perhaps his sarcastic side is rooted in this lesson too? Because words are his weapon... One philosophy, inspiring two reactions. Maybe I’m reading this wrong of course, but it’s what came to mind ^^;

I’d like to know more about Shion’s childhood. He spend six years as an elementary school child, so you can think of stories that took place there, did he make friends? Was it hard to leave them behind when he went to Hogwarts? More memories with the parents are also always important – like the lesson from his mother, I’d love to see more values he learned from them, how the way he was raised shines through in him, etc. I basically want to understand who Shion is, why he is that way, and what makes him tick, you feel? =)

I’m a bit confused as to why your profile ends when Shion is only 8 years old. Surely you can say something about the next 9 years? For example, what was it like when his Hogwarts letter arrived? If you’re stuck, then other things you can consider for the next revision are shopping at Diagon Alley, getting his wand, the first train ride, the boat ride, getting sorted, first impression of the castle, etc. (not all of those events need to be described of course, I’m just giving you ideas ^^). From there on, there’s his life as a Hogwarts student - important things that happened to him over the course of the 6 years that he’s been there, friends and other connections he made, how he spent holidays, etc.

Most importantly though, we need to know how Shion was affected by the significant turn of events that you end the profile with. To be honest, it was a bit shocking to suddenly have such an important event happen… and then have the profile ending on a cliff-hanger, I didn’t really know what to do with that ^^; Just to avoid further confusion – because this felt very “tune in next time for the conclusion” – ranking isn’t that you reveal a new piece of your character every step of the way. It’s about showing how you and your character have changed and developed since last time. You don’t have to hold anything back to show us later, because by the next profile revision, RPing will have caused your character and writing to develop and will have given you entirely new content to show off. That’s also how you know you’re ready for another rank-up – you feel you have made progress with your character, it’s a natural progression ^^ I hope that makes sense!

To go back to your profile – clearly there’s a story there, about the werewolves, the father, and how Shion’s life has been since that night. Please tell us the whole story next time, because it sounds like it’s incredibly important to Shion. You also mention “three large scars that stretch from just underneath his right ribs to his left hip” in the appearance section, and we haven’t learned how he got those yet. Does this have something to do with the werewolves?

I’ve been talking for a while now so it’s probably time to wrap up XD It seems to me that you actually know a lot about Shion already – while I didn’t discuss them I definitely get that feeling from your posts*, especially in the thread with Tammuz in which you do such a great job of describing what depression feels like for Shion. So for the next profile revision just make sure you compile everything you know about Shion and put it into your profile ^^

*No worries, your next reviewer will comment on your threads and posts for sure. But I can already say I liked what I read ^^ Your words paint a very vivid picture, and I love the imagery you go for.


Conclusion
I won’t keep you in suspense, so I hereby APPROVE you and Shion for BEGINNER! I think you know your character well, and I’m confident you’ll find your way in the ranking system just fine – so welcome! And I hope you’ll have a splendid time writing Shion ^^

Since you’re new to the ranking system, and since you expressed that you definitely want to move forward in it in the future, I would like to pick up on something you mentioned in your commentary though, and something I’ve noticed (and brought up) as I worked on this review. While it isn't a bad idea to rank to Beginner quickly so you can start plotting your journey with the advice we give you now, for the higher ranks you won’t want to rush and/or hold anything back. Ranking is showing off you and your character’s progress – for that, we need a complete view of your character, so that everyone (including you!) can see just how much development your character went through by the next profile revision. If you leave things out of your profile on purpose you might get advice about things you’ve actually already thought about, and it’ll just be frustrating for everyone instead of helpful. I’m not saying you did that, but that’s just my general advice for when you continue with the ranking system ^^ No worries, you’re doing really good so far so I’ll just say good luck with all your next rank-ups and don’t forget to have fun as you embark on this journey with Shion x3

Congratulations, and good luck with your next review =) If you have questions about anything in this review, you can always poke me - my Skype is gwen7vds =)

@Shion Suzuki

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Annie · 17 · 7th · N/A · Pureblood · 6'3
Slytherin Novice
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745
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Awards: 34

Jan 1 2018, 08:47 PM   Link Quote
Hiiii Yurio! You know me, but for the sake of formalities, I’m Annie and I’m going to be your second reviewer! I’m so sorry this has taken so long, and so you don’t have to wait any longer, we’re going to jump right in! Robin already looked at your profile, so we’re going to take a look at your posts today.

When I look at your threads, I’m glad to say that there aren’t any real grammatical or spelling errors that jump out at me. The ones that do exist could be easily fixed by a quick proof read – while I know that rereading your threads over and over (and over and over) can be exhausting, try reading them out loud. It’s the easiest way to catch those errors, as well as to fix those run on sentences you mentioned. I know that I personally fall victim to those run on sentences quite a bit as well, so the best advice I can give you on that front is reading out loud. If you run out of breath while reading a sentence, it might be a good idea to look at it and see if you want to rework it. Then again, sometimes they just fit with the flow of your writing. So. Yeah!

As for the characterization of Shion in your threads, I am happy to say that the Shion I see here is the Shion I read about in his profile. He has depth, he has personality, and he STILL fits in with the Shion you wrote about! This isn’t something that is always easy to do, and you have done a fabulous job of weaving Shion’s web without getting caught along the way. I also really liked that, despite Shion being a character that seems to tend toward melancholy, you have a lighter thread with Fae. No person is 100% stuck in one emotion all the time (as far as I know) and nor should our characters be, and you have done a great job pulling out that lighter side of Shion.

For Novice, I would love to see you pulling the environment into your posts more. For example, your thread with Tammuz was set in the Theatre – how does that environment impact Shion? Is it drafty, is the floor hard, etc? You don’t need to spend entire paragraphs talking about the velvet of the seats or anything like that, but rather, pull in little details from his surroundings to round out your threads and make them feel richer. He doesn’t have to have major reactions to them, either! Just enough of a nod to environment that the reader feels pulled into the thread with him. Adding in those environmental details makes a thread feel a lot more solid, because without them, it can often be the case where it feels as if a thread can be picked up and transported to any location, which is always a good thing to avoid.

I would also like to recommend that you change up how you refer to Shion in your posts. While his name and “he” are always a good start, there are so many other things that you could use. I suggest “the eagle,” “the boy,” “the sixteen year old,” “the sixth year,” and that’s just a start. You don’t have to stay in a rut of those two descriptors all the time – branch out, get creative, and let us see Shion’s personality in how you describe him!

For next time, I would like to see Shion interacting with a wider range of ages and houses. Have him chat with some professors, some younger years (fourth and below is a good rule of thumb for “younger” years, I think?) some Gryffindors, some Slytherins, anyone! Every new person has the chance to bring out a new side of Shion, which is not only excellent for his development, but fun for us as readers to see new things about him. I would also love to see you put Shion in a situation where something makes him angry. I find for my characters that anger is such a useful emotion, because that passion can bring out things that I didn’t expect, so that’s my challenge for you, if you choose to accept it. I also, since you mentioned it in his profile, would love to see him winding someone else up or making them angry. Show off his mischievous side!

Conclusion
You’ve already been waiting long enough, so I won’t make you wait any longer. I hereby APPROVE you and Shion for BEGINNER. I second what Robin said – never be afraid to give us everything you’ve got. Don’t hold back, because we can’t help you if you hold back. You’re doing amazingly so far, you’re a wonderful writer, and I cannot wait to see where you take Shion in the future!

Congratulations, and good luck with everything! Don't be afraid to come to me if you have questions smile.gif

@Shion Suzuki

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The Notorious Nundu


◎ KEEPER
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#07 - ALEXANDER KINGSLEY
Yurio · 16 · 6th · Neutral · Halfblood · 5'5”
Ravenclaw Novice
Offline
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Awards: 53

Feb 5 2018, 05:03 PM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Novice
At least three of your recent role play topics:

the 'ROLLERCOASTER' plot arc:
This plot arc centres on how Shion deals with his own inner turmoil, and how he sometimes loses his head, but it will turn from his negativity and self-destructive tendencies into accepting the fact he needs help with his mental health, and that he deserves to be happy. This plot arc is sort of only really just kicking off, but I wanted to show just how fast we see a boy who compliments everyone and wants them to be happy, into a mess of his own doing.

[R] maybe I'm pretending with Dowon Eaton
Shion Suzuki and Dowon Eaton hook up! What a shock. Nobody could have seen this coming. Here, we see a slightly mischevious Shion, full of light teasing and what starts off as a joke ends up with him sleeping with one of his friends... Oops.

constellations in your freckles with Daesung Ryu
Shion is absolutely having one of the worst days - a Dark Day - during New Years' Eve. Along comes Dae, somebody he cares about deeply, and he kisses him. Whoops. This is the start for Shion to fall apart, because he's technically with Dowon Eaton right now. Realising he's hurting the two people he cares about most is his worst nightmare, and he starts to think he doesn't deserve people who love him.

burning ice and painful acid with Nechtan McMahon
He's getting reckless and violent; this is completely out of character for him. Shion is not caring one bit about what happens to him now, so he decides to pick a fight with somebody he really shouldn't: Nechtan McMahon.

[R] can't seem to [ breathe ] right with Alexander Kingsley
Anybody who knows Shion relatively well knows he can't swim. So what happens? He falls into the Black Lake like an idiot. Though he is saved by Alexander Kingsley, this thread is paramount to later on in the arc, as he calls upon his feelings of almost drowning, and the way he burdened a stranger a lot.

[R] sipping on dreams with Jessica Reiss
Uh oh, Shion decides to drown his sorrows in booze, which is most likely not going to help his current state of mind. Especially since he's the biggest lightweight ever, though, hopefully, the lovely Jessica Reiss won't let him go too crazy- oh, wait, she just asked about his love life. Which is in shambles and is the source of his issues...


EXTRAS

Born to Make History the Event Thread!
Shion has opened up a stall, or moreover an ice skating rink, and I thought I would include this just for some fun, because we also see Shion interacting with a whole bunch of new people!

( young stars ) with Ozymandias Park
He makes a new friend! And shares the piano with somebody. Again, another friend just for fun, but here we have an encouraging Shion!

can't tell me there's no point in trying with Cassandra Saint-Clair
I included this because this thread has spanned my entire 'WURR Career' if you will, and I'd like to think it shows a change in my writing! This is also a very shocked and nervous Shion, but then you get to see him really excited!

Ability: Lycanthropy
Where will this ability apply? Hogwarts Era and Clash
When did your character become infected? And by who? He gets turned by his father by accident, as Shion is protecting his mother, and his father bites him after they run out of wolfsbane potion.
Is there anyone guiding your character through this change (if recent), or has there been anyone guiding them? His father is helping him through this, especially as the guilt rests heavily on his shoulders.
How will this ability benefit your character? Or how do you plan to use this ability for development? Shion feels very fiercely about lycanthropy rights, especially after his father was turned in front of him by a whole group of them as a child against his will. He's always been a little bit fearful of them, however, as the scene he saw as a child was quite traumatizing, and his father has already scratched him when he was not much older than nine years old. To suddenly be the creature he both wants to protect and is afraid would freak him out a little. But in terms of mental health, it will send him into a downward spiral. The risk of hurting those he cares about increases tenfold and his anxiety will show this. He will grow too scared to be around the people he loves and will start lashing out. It would tie nicely with the current plot arc I have planned and am writing out (see above), where he would eventually realise he needs other people to help him, and it would be the first time he would admit this. This would also link nicely to his family, and a plot arc I have planned surrounding his extended family in Japan.
Anything Else? I have a whole bunch of plot arcs and threads planned for this ability, but I trust you guys will make the right decision either way (because you are clever eggs, you<333)

Commentary: I feel like I should move up because I've had Shion a short while now - two months a few days ago! - but I feel like I have grown with him a lot already. Writing him is easy, it's second nature, and I'm exploring more and more situations with him, and he's experiencing so many different things, and he is not the same character I first applied for with beginner back in early December. I have plot arcs planned and they've started to come to fruition, his clash all sorted, and I feel like he's a well-rounded character. I'd like to think my writing has improved - I've started to proofread a lot more than before and I've tried to improve how I describe him (not just as Shion or 'he'). I've also tried to get him to interact more with his environments, such as in the thread with Jessica and Ozymandias. I still need to find some threads to have Shion when he pulls pranks and has a laugh, but THEY ARE IN THE WORKS!! Please love me k thanks love u bye<333

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SLYTHERCLAW !

S E E K E R
13 KOHAKU
Annie · 17 · 7th · N/A · Pureblood · 6'3
Slytherin Novice
Offline
1708
745
Awards:
Awards: 34

Feb 5 2018, 05:05 PM   Link Quote


Application Accepted!

Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.

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The Notorious Nundu


◎ KEEPER
"SEA SALT"


#07 - ALEXANDER KINGSLEY
Robin · 15 · 5th Year · Viridian Guild Leader · Pureblood · 5'
Administrator
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1662
Awards:
Awards: 92

Feb 18 2018, 11:13 AM   Link Quote
Hey Yurio! IT’S ME AGAIN! And this time, since this is Novice, I get to talk about your posts. First, we’ll check the requirements.

QUOTE

what we’re looking for at novice

  • At least 9 posts by your character over 3 threads.
  • Some variation in who you're posting with (ie. threads should not all be with the same character).
  • The beginnings of a long-term plot arc, or at least an idea of where you would like to see your character move towards.
  • A special request (if you'd like one) and your justification for the request. Make sure to highlight any changes you have made between Beginner and now.
  • At Novice, we are focused on consistency in character and writing.  At this stage, we will take a break from your profile, and look solely at your character’s threads and plots, with a focus on your character as they have now had time to interact with others. Having had time to develop your character, you should be comfortable writing some common situations they find themselves in. Grammar, spelling, and punctuation should also be consistently correct at this stage, if not always perfect.


That looks good, so let’s start with your arc! I’d like to open this review with some quotes that I loved:

QUOTE
You could light bonfires under his insecurities and there would be enough fuel for the fire to burn for years upon years

QUOTE
They were crashing down around him almost willingly, falling to the ground without a sound but creating a dust cloud large enough to almost smother him completely. It would leave him covered with a chalky colour, but totally exposed; no more hiding.

QUOTE
There was definitely a game to be played here, one that certainly wouldn't end well, whatever the result. But he couldn't help but play. The rush it gave him, and the way it made him feel was almost like he mattered; it was addictive. Holy hell, was it addictive, like the sweetest candy in the world, or the strongest bottle of Firewhisky you could find.


You just have such an amazing way with words. The imagery you use in your writing is superb, and makes your posts colourful and engaging. I’m not going to linger on this much longer, or I’d end up quoting way too much, but I love all the metaphors, comparisons, and images in your writing.

I can also already say that I didn’t find glaring grammar issues in your writing – although I would recommend to proofread a final time before posting, and to especially pay attention to verb conjugation, because sometimes I see present tense being used instead of past tense, or simply the wrong tense for the sentence (things like like 'sat' where 'sitting' should be used) – but it’s only a few times, and probably a result from tinkering with sentences and then forgetting to adapt that one word. Nothing really struck me as a mistake that needed explaining, I think you’ll catch all of these by just reading over it a second time :> The same goes for similar words (like 'may' instead of 'maybe'; 'actually' instead of 'actual'), and missing words (you couldn't [hurt] people, and they couldn't hurt you).


Now let’s start talking about the arc itself, which opens with maybe i'm pretending. So the first thing that I noticed that I want to comment on in this thread is, perhaps a little odd, how nice it is to see every day bad luck, like how he isn’t able to find (or even Accio) his shoes, or how he trips on the stairs. Sometimes things just don’t go the way we want to and small things going wrong, things that barely influence the narrative but happen anyway, makes a story feel realistic – because we can’t control life the way we can control a narrative, so by putting small things like that in the plot feels so much more lifelike. I also thinks it really fits Shion, because he tends to think lowly of himself so I feel like he’d notice his bad luck more. Later on, in the thread with Alexander, Shion mentions that he always has bad luck, so I’d actually like to see more of this.

I also have to say how realistic Shion’s nervous ticks and gestures feel, and you weave them into your posts so effortlessly. Example: “Forefinger idly scratching the smooth skin of his cheek,” Again, great writing. Similarly, I like the ways in which his self-loathing becomes apparent. It’s like a current always running underneath his thought process, occasionally showing its ugly head with a wham line that hits hard but never sounds forced in the flow of the text:

QUOTE
What was the worst that could happen anyway? Somebody, especially somebody as broken as he was, couldn't fall apart much more, right?


He’s craving Dowo’s affection, and in constellations in your freckles he craves Dae’s affection, it draws him in. Being able to feel loved even for just a moment, and even if it could potentially lead to poor decisions and hurting people he cares about, it’s just such a drug. The way I interpreted this threads, and I apologise if I read it wrong, is that he craves love to fill a hole that his self-loathing created. This could be vital for his character development, because a big part of it might be learning to love himself a little, or at least to not feel as broken, to fill that hole just a little, so he can embrace love and love in return. How he lifts people up and puts himself down is so heart breaking, especially in the thread with Dae, I’m really rooting for Shion to start loving himself. ;-;

I know that for this rank, the main arc is seeing Shion fall apart – so I wonder if from here on, he will be build up again? Of course negative development is just as valid as positive development, so this is really just a personal preference, and you can disregard any of the ideas I throw at you in favour of your own, but while reading these threads I couldn’t help but think of two possible future arcs for Shion. The obvious would of course be discovering that he is loved, that people think as highly of him as he of them, but another idea that came to mind is, what if he discovers someone doesn’t deserve how highly he thinks of them? Because idolizing people isn’t very healthy either, so what would happen if someone Shion thinks the world of treats him badly? Maybe now nothing, maybe now he would accept it, but it could be interesting if he were to develop to a point where he realises he actually has worth of his own, and friends who love him for who he is, and that he deserves good treatment. But for now, I think this quote sums things up perfectly:

QUOTE
But Shion wasn't even the main character in his own life; he was that one extra whose scenes had been cut out at the table.


;_;

Now that we’re on this topic, I’d like to understand the underlying factors that contributed to Shion’s bad self-image more. Especially since his self-loathing seems to run deep enough to make him think healers shouldn’t help him. The thread with Dae gives us some glimpses, like how he seems to blame himself for something that happened between his parents, but it makes me curious to know more, so this would be something to delve into! He also mentions “He didn't want his heart broken another time,” – what happened?

Similarly, I’d like to understand what put Shion in a bad mood in burning ice and painful acid. Like you say yourself, it’s almost out of character for him, so it’d help if we knew what created the storm cloud over his head. This doesn’t need to be an actual incident – after all, depression doesn’t work that way – but it could be something subtle, just an impression, or melancholic feeling that he woke up with and put him down. It doesn’t have to be something clear-cut that Shion can pin-point, but you can still convey it as the writer, so the reader understands his feelings, even if Shion doesn’t. You start doing this in the second post – so, great! – but it’s often best to make sure the reader is with you from post #1. I’m still a bit lost as to where the sudden anger comes from, and the strength and courage to stand up to a bully like Nechtan, when in previous threads he was shown as very insecure and self-loathing. I’m not saying these traits can’t exist together, but you want to make sure that the reader knows where it comes from. We don’t know your character as well as you do after all. ^^


I think you do a good job of keeping a balance between Shion’s thoughts, so his internal world, and seeing the world around him through his eyes, especially how he describes Dae is a good example of this. RP is a collaboration, and you do a good job of not only focusing on your own character but drawing the other into the scene as well.


Personally, I think can't seem to [ breathe ] right is your strongest thread. It has a fantastic opening, really draws you in. The imagery, action, and internal thoughts all blend together perfectly in this thread. Your imagery is strong as ever, and I especially loved how you compared being afraid of water with being afraid of the dark. I also love how when Shion falls in, he almost seems to witness this as an outsider – which is often, at least in my experience, how we see scary things unfold. Like our brain doesn’t want to immediately accept what is happening so it removes itself a bit from the situation. Very relatable.


I can see how the Shion that we see now, especially in this arc, is different from the Shion at Beginner, we’re seeing a different side of him as you dig into more and more of his character, which ultimately also allows for the possibility of development. I think you have a really good basis for your arc here, and lots of potential for development as you continue ranking. When you continue this arc (and/or start other arcs) for Intermediate, it’d be great if we could see the development happen within the ranking app as well.

Now I will briefly comment on the other threads you included. In the winter event, I really like how you combine a typical winter market activity with magic. It’s nice to make use of everything that the Harry Potter world has to offer, so it’s definitely fun to see people get creative with that!
( young stars ) gives us the information that he dreams of playing in front of people, which really struck me as something wonderful to dream of. I understand that it’d be a long journey before he’d be comfortable doing so, but that sounds like something you could even use for his main arc. Because perhaps even just playing for his friends would be a nice way to show him overcoming his insecurities! It’s also really nice to see him so excited about the piano. ;-;


As you continue ranking, I’d love to see more of a variety of emotions, but also make sure that Shion is consistent throughout it all. Guide us through his thought process, let us know what makes him tick! I’d also like to see his family background weaved into his everyday life more, this could even be small things like habits, just doing something the way someone is used to at home, or making associations that lead to glimpses of memories. Shion seems to have a very interesting family so I’d just love to know so much more about it, and people’s backgrounds and experiences are actually such huge parts of them, you want to give even people who haven’t read your profile a taste of this.


I feel like I’ve been talking for a while, so let’s wrap this up with your special request! It helps that I’ve read Shion’s profile at Beginner and thus know about his family, because it sounds like something that you really thought about. Something that hasn’t been picked at random but fits neatly in Shion’s story, tying all eras (pre-HWE, HWE, Clash) of his life together, and adding another layer to why Shion feels the way he does about himself (and others).

I thus proudly APPROVE you and Shion for NOVICE and APPROVE your Lycanthropy special request! Good luck with your next review, and I hope you have a lot of fun continuing Shion’s journey!

@Shion Suzuki

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Annie · 17 · 7th · N/A · Pureblood · 6'3
Slytherin Novice
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Feb 21 2018, 12:14 AM   Link Quote
Hello, it’s me. You know me, I’m Annie, and I’m baaaaaaack! By the end of this you’ll probably be so sick of me but until then, we’re going to hop on in and take a look at Shion for Novice! Robin already put the requirements for Novice up there, so i’m just going to dive on in and see where this takes us, how does that sound to you?

General characterization thoughts and commentary: In Shion’s early threads, I was already starting to get a sense of this fluffy child who really just wanted affection. By now, his range of emotions has expanded so thoroughly that the sense I get from him is so much more developed than it was. Shion has settled pretty securely into his own person, and he is becoming very distinct from, say, Alma or YB, not only in the way he behaves, but also in the way he views the world.

Since Robin has already pulled a lot of things from your individual posts, I’m gonna take a look at where you’re thinking of going with your arcs and development plans. You’re spending a lot of time establishing where Shion is at the beginning of your Rollercoaster arc, which I like to see, because to me, that will make his development moving forward seem all the more significant. You drop in a lot of hints (and sometimes overtly tell us) about Shion’s mental health which, for this arc, seems to be the main focus, so two thumbs up for you! You’re at a good place to move this along, so keep doing what you’re doing, yes yes.

Maybe not quite as relevant to your plot arc but necessary nonetheless, I would love to see you put Shion in situations where he is happy and comfortable. He’s been at Hogwarts for five years, surely he hasn’t gone through all bad things, so I think it’s important to contrast how those situations work with and against each other. Additionally, I think throwing in some happiness here and there will make the Dark Days stand out more, rather than making it seem as if Shion’s life is a constant stream of Dark Days with only a little bit of light every now and then.

Now for the fun quotey things!
Robin has already pulled a bunch of amazing quotes from your posts, but I’m going to try to find more!

QUOTE
For Daesung to call him beautiful was like the pot calling the kettle black, except the pot was far more guilty. Shion was all lines and sharp edges, whereas Dae was soft, like a single white cloud highest in the sky; beautiful, but unattainable. Not even his fingertips could brush him, and it devastated him so much.

And
QUOTE
People like Dae weren't meant for people like him though because they were the ones that were meant to have the world served to them on a silver platter. Shion was meant to scrounge for the leftovers, and end up alone.


These are both from constellations in your freckles, and I loved this because I felt like it really gets to Shion’s insecurities, but in a subtle, beautiful way. Shion has this way of putting himself lower than other people, both physically and status-wise, and these quotes are both really gorgeous examples of how you allude to his Dark Days without going the stereotypical route of “i’m trash and everything sucks.” The imagery of sharp edged Shion not being able to touch the fluffy cloud is so sad and so pretty, and I want more of this now please.

QUOTE
Sometimes, the sun didn't shine down on him. Not that it was centred on him particularly, he wasn't special, but rather... to him, the sun had decided to sleep another day. Instead, there would be a charcoal-coloured rain cloud that hovered over his head with lightning and thunder brewing in its atmosphere; it made the world seem colder.


I pulled this quote from burning ice and painful acid because once again, holy moly it’s pretty. Shion’s sadness has such an ethereal quality to it when you write about it, which fascinates me because usually I think of sadness or “Dark Days” as being heavy, rather than the images of clouds and rain and storms that you portray, all of which I usually think of as being somewhat light (or angry) things. Keep doing what you’re doing though, it’s working!

The one comment I do want to make is that proofreading can save you from awkward sentences. I know, I know, we all fall victim to run ons, but reading your posts out loud before publishing them could save you from a lot of those. If you run out of breath reading a sentence, it’s probably too long! Your grammar gets a bit awkward at times as well, but again, this is nothing that a bit of proofreading can’t fix, and I am quite confident in your ability to do so.

Last but not least, your special request! I think what you have planned so far ties the eras together nicely, and I think your justification for why you want Shion to be a werewolf makes sense for his character. I agree with Robin, it’s definitely not something that has been picked at random, and I look forward to seeing how this adds another layer to Shion’s development and sense of self worth!

Verdict
All of that being said, I happily APPROVE you and Shion for NOVICE and I APPROVE your Lycanthropy special request! I look forward to seeing where you and Shion go next!

Congratulations!

@Shion Suzuki

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The Notorious Nundu


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#07 - ALEXANDER KINGSLEY
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