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 Vitaliy Vasiliev - Beginner
Eggio · 17 · Seventh Year · CS · Pureblood · 6'0"
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Mar 18 2018, 08:33 AM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Beginner
Link to character workshop topic: Here
At least two of your recent role play topics:
to shatter a frozen soul with Seraphina Windsor
Vitya is stressed, considering one of his worst nightmares from Koldovstoretz has transferred to Hogwarts under the guise of Grigoriy Drozdov. What makes things worse is that his close friend Seraphina turns out to be engaged to him.

A Whole New World with Novalie Martensson
Vitya learns ballet with his future wife… before they’re engaged… This shows just how Vitya behaves when he’s a little more relaxed. Nova means a lot to him, also, and being able to interact with her without having an ulterior motive is a pleasant experience for him!

Match #19 with Novalie Martensson
LESS PLEASANT EXPERIENCE! After being paired with Nova for the XOXO event, it turns out that Vitya has just been informed that he and Nova are engaged to be married. He’s… not very happy about it, and here we see him sort of fighting with his emotions because he not only thought he could fall in love with her under his own terms, it seems that she’s not happy with the news either.

Commentary: Vitya… I’ve been really struggling with him lately, which is the primary reason for him being submitted for ranking. I need advice. I can’t seem to find any plots with him, my posts are not my usual length, and I just feel like I’m letting people down with him, which is not the case. At the same time, I feel like his voice and character is becoming more defined through the few posts I have and the little length, but I need to know if this is being portrayed through my writing. He’s reluctantly cold, and he feels like a lonely character when that’s not how I envisaged him. The main reason I rank is for advice, which is really what I need right now. ORZ PLEASE HELP THIS PANCAKE.

Stells Artois · 16 · 6th · Viridian Guild · Pureblood · 5'11
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Mar 18 2018, 11:48 AM   Link Quote


Application Accepted!

Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.

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Stells Artois · 16 · 6th · Viridian Guild · Pureblood · 5'11
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Apr 1 2018, 08:59 PM   Link Quote
Hey Yurio! You know me, I know you, but for the sake of formalities… I’m Stells, and I’m here to bring you Vitaliy’s first review! I’m really sorry you have been waiting so long, I know ranking can be stressful, but life has been pretty crazy, and you know how that goes ;c Soooo, how about we have a look at those requirements and begin your review?

QUOTE

What we’re looking for at Beginner

  • At least 4 posts by your character over 2 threads. Your most recent post must be made within three months of the date of your application.
  • Have your character profile in the workshop with at least one revision of each section posted by you. (If you choose not to include an appearance section at sorting, you must include it when you post your workshop profile, and then provide a subsequent revision for this rank).
  • At the beginner rank, we are focused on building up your character. We will give you suggestions on how to expand your profiles and posts, particularly in regards to content, in order to gain as complete a picture of your character as possible. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.) and spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post. Additionally, we'd like to see that you have made an effort to expand all areas of the profile (i.e. not just personality or not just history).


Alright, everything looks good! Now, for this review I will be focusing mostly on Vitaliy’s profile, along with making a short comment on your posts – mostly regarding how what I saw in Vitaliy’s profile translates to your writing of him as a character. Woo! Let’s get to it, shall we?

Appearance:

If I’m being completely honest with you here, I found myself a little underwhelmed when I opened Vitaliy’s profile and saw his appearance section. While profile revisions have no word requirements, and writing a long revision doesn’t necessarily mean that your revision is better than a shorter one, I felt like there was a lot more you could have told us about the way Vitaliy looks. And, ultimately, after reading the paragraph you gave us, I had a hard time creating a clear mental image of his appearance. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot I did like about this section, but I largely felt as if all the information you gave us was “squeezed together in a small space”, and that you could have give much more detail about many of the characteristics mentioned. For example:

QUOTE
His smile is crooked and all teeth, almost like it doesn't fit correctly upon his expression, making it look awkward whenever he expresses an emotion that isn't pure distaste or neutrality.


One thing I always enjoy seeing is when an appearance section links to a character’s personality, and when aspects of their appearance are explained by the way said character acts. I think sentences like this one help bring profiles together, and I was very happy about the personality aspects you mentioned when describing Vitaliy’s appearance! However, all you mention here is Vitaliy’s smile, while you give us no details about things like the size of his lips, his mouth, if he has some stubble or not (after all, he is a boy who likely just went through puberty); or even say much about the shape of his nose, cheeks, eyes, eyebrows, forehead, and other facial features that would allow us to create a good mental image of the way Vitaliy looks. Emotions tend to be expressed through a person’s face, and while you have a great basis of that with this sentence, I think there’s much more you could have said!

Another thing I noticed is that you begin this section by telling us how Vitaliy is the spitting image of his father, while afterwards you don’t exactly tell us why that is the case. I think that that’s where all of those facial features could have come into play, by saying things like how – for example – he has his father’s nose, then describing what said nose looks like, and so on. Also, is it just about the features or is it about the way he dresses and acts? You don’t tell us much about the aspects of his appearance that Vitaliy can choice and easily modify (such as his hairstyle, his attires, etc). Does he voluntarily or involuntarily copy some of those things from his father or does he seek to be different and unique?

Some other things you could mention in your future revisions are the aspects of Vitaliy’s appearance that don’t have much to do with sight. Such as the scents that usually surround him (be it because of a cologne, a shampoo, a soap, or something else), the tone of his voice, his accent, etc. A good guide I generally like to follow when writing an appearance section is this one:

    • First, try to mention the hereditary aspects of a character’s appearance, those traits that make them resemble certain members of their family, such as body type, height, complexion, hair and eye colour, facial features, tone of voice, and other details.

    • Secondly, mention the aspects that the character can make a choice on. Things like how fit they are, their hairstyle, outfit choices, scents, jewellery, if they have any tattoos or other acquired aspects (such as if they wear any makeup or nail polish, etc.)

    • Thirdly, in between all that, make sure to mention aspects relating to the way a character acts. An accent that has been acquired overtime, how loud they usually speak, the way they walk and carry themselves, if they have any particular gestures they perform often, and so on.

Of course, I’m most certainly not saying “follow this order because this is what’s right”, many times I don’t even follow it myself, but I find that establishing those basis and making sure they’re all covered is usually incredibly helpful for me when I write an appearance section, and it may be for you too!

Personality:

The first thing I noticed when reading Vitaliy’s personality is that you start us off with a definition, and while this is something that I have done myself and that I enjoy doing because it gives the reader a good idea of what they should expect to see through the rest of the section (a ‘describe the character in one word’ sort of thing), I do feel like I have to caution you about the way you present this definition, as you could potentially confuse your reader and “throw them off”. To properly explain it, here’s what we see when we look at the personality section of your profile:

QUOTE
Personality: pride; a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of one’s close associates, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.


Now, I’m sure you immediately notice things like how the word “pride” is not capitalized at the beginning of the sentence, which in itself is likely only a matter of proofreading. That aside, my main problem with this sentence is that it’s presented as the beginning of the profile written by you, instead of a quote taken from a certain dictionary. In the future, a good way to present your opening quotes could be something like this:

QUOTE
Personality:

Pride; a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of one’s close associates, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.


Vitaliy Vasiliev is a prideful, dignified young man in every way considered, or least that was his opinion on the matter; it’s simply how he was raised. [...]


This way, the reader realizes it is an opening quote and not the beginning of the section itself, and it helps the start of the section flow in a much more natural way. That being said, I really love how, after defining what pride is, you immediately jump to telling us exactly Vitaliy is prideful and how this relates to the way he was raised, as I think this is a great way to begin describing who he is, and it also serves as a link between his personality and history sections – tying together the profile as a whole instead of having each section be an independent piece. In many ways, a lot about our personalities is defined by our experience, in which our upbringing has a lot of weight, so I’m very glad and happy that you took Vitaliy’s family and upbringing into consideration when explaining why he acts the way he acts, as it makes the character seem much more natural and real

One thing I do feel the need to mention is that I was a bit thrown of by the way the “lessons” Vitaliy learned throughout his life are woven into this section, as the sudden change of tenses confused me a bit, and I think it could have been better if you had done something like writing these lessons in italics, or placing them centralized in between paragraphs. So, for example, you could have used each of them as an opener to begin talking about this or that side of his personality.

QUOTE
”Vitaliy Vasiliev is a prideful, dignified young man in every way considered, or least that was his opinion on the matter; it’s simply how he was raised. Always be proud of where you come from, and keeping the family reputation upheld is of the utmost importance. Family comes first, long before anything else. That was the lesson that had been ingrained into his head by his father’s meticulous grooming of him to become the next Vasiliev heir. “

“Vitaliy Vasiliev is a prideful, dignified, young man in every way considered, or least that is his opinion on the matter; it’s simply how he was raised. Always be proud of where you come from, and keeping the family reputation upheld is of the utmost importance. Family comes first, long before anything else. Those were the lesson that had been ingrained into his head by his father’s meticulous grooming of him to become the next Vasiliev heir.”


QUOTE
”Always be cold, always indicate that you are the best person in the room and that everybody should be blessed by your presence. Vitaliy was always good at that part, keeping his nose high in the air and a confident little smirk on his features because god forbid he show an actual smile. “

Always be cold, always indicate that you are the best person in the room and that everybody should be blessed by your presence. Vitaliy was always good at that part, keeping his nose high in the air and a confident little smirk on his features because god forbid he showed an actual smile.”


In my opinion, with the “lessons” written in italics, the sentences flow much more naturally, or at least it is much easier for me to read. As you can see, I did mark a few grammatical errors, and while these are minor and I’m sure they just something you may have missed, I do have to suggest giving your profile and posts some more proofreading in the future. Usually, what helps me is going back to them after a few days instead of just checking right after writing them, that way I don’t have what I just wrote in my mind as I reread through it all, and I generally can catch some mistakes I miss at first. On that note, I would like to caution you against doing a lot of changing between tenses in a section, or at least within the same sentence and a paragraph, as this can confuse your reader and break the flow of your writing.

QUOTE
Vitaliy himself speaks rather formally, with long words and sentences that don’t always make sense, if only just to show off his elocution and etiquette tutoring from when he was but with comes one of his major downfalls; people are his playthings, and he becomes bored rather easily.


This sentence is also something that confused me a little as I read through it, as I wasn’t really sure what you meant. It seems to make a jump from an awesome description of Vitaliy’s speech pattern to the way he thinks about people, and there doesn’t seem to be a real link between both things. I’m not sure if you’re missing a few words, if it's a matter of punctuation, or if the wording is what confused me, but I thought I should mention it as something to be careful with in the future.

That aside, I think your description of Vitaly’s personality tells us a lot about who he is as a character, and – like I previously mentioned – I’m really glad to see that you gave such relevance to his family. This is definitely a great basis with which you can work towards a future revision, and if you want any advice regarding what else to include in the future, my suggestion would be to mention more about what kind of things Vitaliy likes to do, what things he hates, and in the same way what makes him sad or upset. You could mention how he acts under certain situations or emotions, and more about his interactions with certain people. There’s a lot you can say, and judging by what I saw in this section this time around, I’m sure you’ll do great!

History:

Finally, we arrive at the history section! I’ll try to keep this as short and simple as possible, since I’m sure you’re a bit tired of reading this review by this point, but bear with me for a bit longer, okay?

QUOTE
Vitaliy Valentinovich Vasiliev was born to Valentin Vasiliev, a Russian-wix nobleman, and his wife Elizaveta, a porcelain doll of a woman, but in all the worst ways.


Let me just say that I really love this! This is an awesome way to start a history section, because not only it is simple and right to the point, but I think that calling Vitaliy’s mum “a porcelain doll of a woman, but in all the worst ways” is just great and it leaves me really curious to know more about her and why she is described this way! (Without taking into consideration what we learned in the Personality section, of course). In this first paragraph you do make a sudden jump from talking about Vitaliy’s family to talking about Krasnodar, and while this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, my suggestion would be to like this a bit better, for example by stating that the family had lived at Krasnodar for generations and then continuing by mentioning what life at Krasnodar was like for Vitaliy.

I really enjoy reading about Vitaliy’s relationship (or rather lack of a relationship) with his older sister, and I definitely would love to see more detailed mentions of this in the future, especially considering the relevance she has in Vitaliy’s current situation. Maybe you could add a few anecdotes from his childhood? Or perhaps compare his relationship with Vasilisa to his relationship with Viktoriya? There are a lot of options, so all I can really say here is give me more, because I truly believe this is an amazing backstory and you’re doing an incredible job with it!

Perhaps, another thing you could make more mention of is the history of the Vasiliev family before Vitaliy was born. You don’t need to go all that far, but it would be awesome to know how his parents met, if their marriage was arranged, what are their professions of choice (or if they don’t have one, how this the Vasiliev family make their fortune) and so on. Mostly, I suggest this as a way to help us understand where Vitaliy comes from, as well as serving as an explanation for why his parents act the way they act towards him. I also notice that you really don’t make mention of Vitaliy’s engagement to Novalie, which I know is rather recent when judging by your threads, but maybe in your next revision you could include a paragraph about how that happened, along with talking a bit more about how Vitaliy’s life has changed ever since his transfer to Hogwarts and what his experience at the castle has been in comparison to his experience at Koldovstoretz. Since, from what I can tell, he seems to have transferred a couple of years back, which means that a lot has likely happened to him until now.

Final thoughts:

Overall, I think that, for the most part, you have a very complete profile for Vitaliy. There’s a lot that can be added towards a future revision, specially in the the appearance section, and I would enjoy seeing more details regarding who is and the kind of life he has lived. Of course, given that this is only Beginner, what we ask for is for writers to display a basis of who their character is, and to display that they’re beginning (see what I did there?) to get to know their character better and to develop them – which I definitely saw when reviewing Vitaliy! As for your posts, I think they really do display the Vitaliy I saw in your profile quite well, and if anything, I have to repeat myself on the fact that I would love to see mentions of relationships like those with Novalie and Seraphina in his profile, as, judging by the threads you provided, these girls have a clear importance to him. You’re doing a great job so far, and I can’t wait to see what you do in the future with Vitaliy!

So, now that I have said just about everything I wanted to say, I’m more than happy to APPROVE you and @Vitaliy Vasiliev for BEGINNER. Congratulations! I hope I was able to give you some of the advice you requested, and of course, if you have any questions regarding this review, feel more than free to contact me via PM or Skype!

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god - captain / chaser
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T.J. · 16 · 6th · Undecided · Dating · 5'10"
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Apr 3 2018, 03:19 AM   Link Quote
Well hey there, Yurio! It's ya boiii Teej and I'm here to give you your final review for Vitaliy's beginner ranking. Before I get started, though, I wanted to offer my sincerest apologies for being late with this review. I know that waiting is a nerve-wracking (often nauseating) time for you as the reviewee, and I genuinely apologize if I have caused you any undue stress. Now, with that said, let's get to your review!

While Stells has done the great deed of covering your profile, I will be focusing on the meat and potatoes that is your character voice and how that translates to your posts, because... Well, it's always been my favorite! I know from reading over your initial form that you were pretty nervous about this, but fear not! Hopefully, I will able to provide you a little bit of extra guidance to ease your nerves.

Okay, but really, let's get started.

To Shatter A Frozen Soul:

QUOTE
Was it possible to completely and utterly despise somebody with your entire body? Vitaliy was finding that out.


You know what? This is a great beginning, if for no other reason than it's my first true introduction to Vitaliy and already I'm intrigued. The only thing I would change (and this is just personal preference here) would be changing body to being. It's not a huge deal (really, it isn't) but the use of body so quickly after somebody feels... Or at least reads for me, a little odd. But again! That's just my personal preference. I think it was clear in your beginning sentence that you were trying to come out and make a strong statement, which you absolutely did. So good job there!

In the second paragraph though, also at the beginning, I see something a little more concerning.

QUOTE
The room was essentially trashed, and there was Vitya standing in the middle of it all with his hands balled up into fists and a prominent frown on his features, contorting them into something cold and harsh rather than the regular neutrality and apathy that rested on them if he wasn't smirking.


This gets a bit long-winded, if not a full-out run-on sentence, but again I like the angle that you are working with here. You've got your canvas, and you're painting a pretty picture, but breaks within that picture are perfectly acceptable. If I'm failing at relaying what it is that I'm trying to say here, allow me to show you an example of how I would've done it. Once again, this is just my personal preference in how I would write it, but you do want to try to avoid run-on sentences if at all possible. My example would be:

QUOTE
The room was essentially trashed, Vitya standing in the middle of it all, fists having formed in his hands. A frown dug deep into Vitya's expression, contorting his face into something cold and harsh rather than its regular neutrality.


Again, I want to reiterate that what you had was great; the problem became that it was a little too much and spread a little too thin. When offering descriptions, you really want to paint a clear enough picture but not in a way that it feels like you are guiding us through every last detail because as readers we want to be able to imagine things our own way-- if that makes sense? Another piece of advice (that could possibly be useless) is one that I have heard applied in the fashion industry. For every accessory you put on, take one more off. Long story short? For every detail of his description you give us, considering taking one more away. Less can be more!

Taking a slight break to address the composition of the thread, though, I'll again offer a bit of praise your way. You've done really, really well in maintaining the sternness and strength for which you identify Vitaliy by, if not by the way you write his dialogue then certainly in the way you give us glimpses into his youth. It's heartbreaking, to an extent, but more-so very well-written. I can't give you enough props on that because it's just not something you can teach someone to write. I know that you have your concerns about your connection to him as a character, but it really doesn't show in this thread (so far). It's just a really nice job on your part, so kudos (again) to you!

QUOTE
"I was fifteen, Fina, and he cast me aside like I was dog shit on his shoes." That sort of behaviour hurt, especially when he had just essentially lost a family member. It was intense, and it was the tipping point for wanting to leave Russia, if only for a moment. Limping, black eye and bleeding lip and maybe a broken nose, only to be rejected by his one-time best friend. Then, to find out that Fina was engaged to him? "I wasn't going to until I found this out!" Whirling, he spun on his heel to face Fina, his hands raised to her face like he was about to cup her cheeks, to try and get her to see sense before they dropped by his thighs again and he groaned. "Why him of all people? You at least deserve somebody who will treat you well, like the stars are in your eyes and the sun is in your heart!" Not that he knew Grisha well enough anymore to say that he wouldn't... aw, shit.


This is what I'm talking about. There's drama, there's tension, but more than anything there is potential here. You do a really good job of pulling your reader in and then go straight for the jugular, delivering a blade laced with angst. It's just really nice to see! I can tell that you have put a lot of emotion and attention on this area of Vitaliy's development because of how clear your voice and writing is here. Vitaliy is hurt, deeply so, and the way that you've managed to write that is perfect in its execution.

The only concern I still have, and I hate to harp too much on it, is your frequency to write a run-on sentence here and there. If I had to guess (look at me, I'm about to guess!) I'd say that it's excitement. It's exciting to see progression-- it's exciting to feel progression, but sometimes that very excitement can be our undoing. Which leads me to my next point-- and I'm sure you've heard this before-- but proofread. As good as it can look/feel that first time around, it never hurts to offer a second glance so that you're sure you are giving the best writing possible. You're doing really well, but there's so much sky left to be seen here. I genuinely believe that.

A Whole New World:

So, for this example, I'm going to highlight a bit of choppiness in your writing. Rather than explain what I mean, I'll show you:

QUOTE
Trouble was always more fun than obeying the rules; whatever was usually going on was typically boring, as it would draw harsh sighs from the Russian's lips and an eye-roll of forest-green, with exasperation draw almost expertly on his face.


I see where you are going here, or the stage that you are trying to set, but how it reads is as though you separated it into very distinct, but also very choppy sentences. Instead of stutter-stopping (which is the best way I know to explain this), maybe try it this way:

QUOTE
Trouble had always been more fun than obeying the rules.

Whatever Vitaliy usually had going on was boring, often drawing harsh sighs from Vitaliy's lips and further exasperation in the evergreen's of his eyes.


My example is... Not the best, but at the time it's the best way I could think of to try and get rid of some of that choppiness we're seeing here in your writing.You want to be really careful with the way that you paint your pictures in regards to writing because one wrong stroke can leave your writers in a state of confusion. Don't always set out to give us everything, but rather enough to get us to understand what it is that you're saying. Simple isn't always the answer, but I think-- and it's personal preference again-- that simplicity would've helped you to better establish the rhythm you were looking for here.

QUOTE
...she was a common feature in the drama of his life. A positive one, though, because the girl was like some sort of flame in the ice kingdom that he ruled.


This description is particularly nice, not only because it is short and sweet but also because it gives us an early look at the type of dynamic Vitaliy and Novalie have. It alludes to her possible importance to Vitaliy at a very early stage in your writing, which I find myself smitten with. Your descriptors are a strong suit when you manage to string them together in the way they come to you (if that makes sense) because we really get to see the angle it is that you are going for. I feel like, and I don't want to be too dramatic here, that you are really excelling in giving us that window seat view of what's going on in your head and writing. Just clean up a little bit of the details here and there and you will be more than fine!

Now... I'm going to cut my thoughts on this particular thread short to address some of your concerns addressed in your ranking form, I.E. shortened replies. I can see where you are concerned (because I myself often struggle with that same concern), but I want to reassure you that if nothing else, the quality and strength of writing is absolutely still there. Sometimes, as writers, we have a really hard time with trusting what it is that we're doing. It can be work-related, or even personal life, and when those doubts set in it's really easy to get yourself in the headspace that you're not doing enough.

You are doing more than enough, I think, it's just about learning to trust what it is that you're doing. Your visions and artistry that you're working with here are as strong as what I've seen in perusing the other threads and your profile, but your confidence is what I think is lacking (if for no other reason than you identified that yourself). It is perfectly acceptable to take a break, to take a few breathers because you never want to rush what it is that you're doing when it comes to storytelling.

Trust yourself first and the rest will follow!

Match #19:

QUOTE
The girl had been on his mind far too often lately, and with the sudden news was given to him by his father by written correspondence expressing that he was engaged to her had only made everything far more complicated.


Slow down. What I mean by that is, well... Slow down! Your beginnings across all three submitted threads have started in a really strong place, but the problem soon becomes that you (appear) to rush in getting us to dive into the details of the picture you're painting. I use that analogy a lot, I know, but try and stay with me here. Here's how I would've (possibly) written it:

QUOTE
The girl had been on his mind far too often lately, and when the news was given to him by letter that he was to marry Novalie, matters had only grown more complicated.


Two different angles, but both with the intent of getting to the same destination. You really want to take your time when you're setting up your readers for a dramatic moment because you don't know how invested they are at this stage of their reading. In other words, always assume your reader is new. Always assume that the more care and attention you put into the details the more likely you are to have readers that are buying what it is that you're selling. Less is more (as is obviously my motto) but you still want to give enough so that you're not leaving anyone in the dark. Make sense?

God I hope so.

I'm going to highlight a really big section next, but fear not! This is a good thing.

QUOTE
"Novalie," His tongue ran over the top of his teeth, and so many thoughts were whirling around his head, like a runaway train steaming towards a cliff. This was going to go wrong. It was going to go so badly wrong, and Vitaliy swallowed against the lump in his throat. She was rambling, clearly just as nervous as he was, but he was the one who had to drop possibly the biggest bombshell on top of their friendship, blowing it to smithereens. How did he start such a conversation? Hey, we're gonna end up getting married one day? It was cringe-worthy, something that was the plot of the movies Novalie mentioned and didn't happen in real life. "We... we need to talk." That was always a worrying start to a conversation. Now she was mentioning breakfast, oh my god. Burying his face in his hands, he exhaled and tried to rub the exasperation out of his expression, rubbing the furrowing lines between his eyebrows and trying to release the built-up tension in his shoulders. "Just, uh... slow down, alright?" So informal for him, a complete change in his dialect and not something that should have been usual for Vitaliy. Resting his chin in his hands, there was no time like the present. She deserved to know. It was just... the worst timing. Would she end up hating him? Spread some rumours around him; would Hogwarts turn into Koldovstoretz? Would the Russian boy have to watch his back all over again, lest he end up having his head kicked in?

How to start? "I had a letter from my mother and father today." Vitya decided that the beginning was best. "Informing me... about the arrangement that has been made between my family and yours." His palms were itchy, fingers twitching in a bid to prevent himself from giving into the desire. This was a disaster. "Nova," the nickname fell from his lips like it belonged there, but soon it would feel awkward and sticky like he had a mouth full of honey. "My arranged engagement for when I graduate is with..." Vitaliy's voice stopped in his throat as if his body itself was taking control and trying to stop himself from spilling out his secret. God, when did it become a secret? His gaze dropped to the table, and he sighed loudly. "Is with you."


First things first, I want to applaud you on something I've been pleading with you to do (which I mean you won't know till you read this, but hey! It's still good). This particular section of angst between Vitaliy and Novalie is strong, not only because you took time to write out the details but also because of the way you managed to convey emotion. It's very clear that Vitaliy cares for Novalie, that he even adores her, and it's also apparent just how flustered all of this has him. That's on you-- in a good way of course, because the effort and energy were absolutely equal to the angst both you and Lacey were aiming for when you constructed this dynamic.

The poor boy doesn't want to have this conversation and I can feel it. Thank you for allowing me to experience this with you and Lacey. It's the strongest of your threads yet and (I think) shows some of the key growths that I had been quietly hoping for. That kind of effort can't be taught, but then again I've already said that-- oops!

Conclusion && Verdict:

To summarize, while you are early on in the development of Vitaliy there is still a part of you (and thus of him) that is already so well-developed. Your voice isn't nearly as shaky as you think, and while I know you had concerns over post length and how that transitioned in terms of readability/strength of character, I think you are still doing well. You do need to learn to slow down, however, and to let some of the smaller things come to you, but you are still doing very well for yourself at this point in Vitaliy's writing. Other than asking you to pay more attention to the little things (details, run-on sentences, giving too much detail...) I think what you have at this stage is great. Growth is key, of course, but I see no reason as to why you can't continue to grow both as a writer and in the story you aim to tell from Vitaliy's perspective.

Therefore I approve @Vitaliy Vasiliev for beginner and I applaud you for the effort you put into getting here. There is still so much that you can come to learn about both yourself and Vitaliy and it's my hope that you will. As always, if you have any questions at all please don't hesitate to ask, as I am more than willing to elaborate on anything I might not have been clear on here. Other than that... Well, I hope you have a great day! Teej out.

--------------------

gryffinclaw
Flying Freckles #77 Captain

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