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 Quin Danse - Beginner
a puzzle of scars · Seventeen · 7th Year · N/A · Muggleborn · 5'6"
Gryffindor Beginner
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Apr 9 2018, 05:33 AM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Beginner
Link to character workshop topic: Here you go ;-;
At least two of your recent role play topics: while those ICBM's keep us free, heart hits like a drum, radiation burns, liberty reprimed
Commentary: I love Quin. She's really fun. I have one other technically American character however, I don't really get to play around with it as much as I do with this lovely girl because it's not such a big plot point. Anyways, it's fun for me to experiment with that kind of stuff. Plus, parts of her backstory allow me to pull from things I ACTUALLY KNOW which I feel help write stuff a bit better. IDK GUYS I HAD FUN WITH HER. Especially writing her backstory. I went a little hog wild with that one. SORRY.

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Thanks coco!!!
Stells Artois · 16 · 6th · Viridian Guild · Pureblood · 5'11
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Apr 9 2018, 05:48 AM   Link Quote


Application Accepted!

Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.

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04
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These cute pixel and avatars were made by the most wonderful Evan ♡
Kenz · 17 · 7th · Neutral · Halfblood · 6'1"
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Apr 22 2018, 12:56 PM   Link Quote
Heya Puzzle! You know me and I know you, but as a reminder, I am Kenz and I'm here to be your first reviewer. Since you've waited long enough, I won't stop us from beginning any longer. First off, let's look at those pesky little requirements so we can be on our way.

QUOTE (Requirements for beginner)
what we’re looking for at beginner
At least 4 posts by your character over 2 threads. Your most recent post must be made within three months of the date of your application.
Have your character profile in the workshop with at least one revision of each section posted by you. (If you choose not to include an appearance section at sorting, you must include it when you post your workshop profile, and then provide a subsequent revision for this rank).
At the beginner rank, we are focused on building up your character. We will give you suggestions on how to expand your profiles and posts, particularly in regards to content, in order to gain as complete a picture of your character as possible. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.) and spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post. Additionally, we'd like to see that you have made an effort to expand all areas of the profile (i.e. not just personality or not just history).


→ All looks set here, so away we go! I'm going to be looking at your profile today, while your second reviewer will take a better look at how your character from the profile has come alive in your posts. Or something of that sort. With us, you never do know, do you? Anyways. Onwards. I'm very happy as I scrolled down to see your latest edit that you decided to do two edits before sending us to your profile. This doesn't happen very often of most members, but with how much you've added during this second edit, I am glad you did.

We start out strong - learning about how even though she is smaller in size, she radiates authority and self-assurance - I hope to find out exactly why, later, but you have already caught my attention in the first paragraph and this is good stuff.

Overall in the appearance, you've given us a good overall view point of how she dresses or that she inherited her mother's green eyes instead of her father's blue ones (that sentence might be missing a word?) and for beginner, this is good. However, for your next edit, I hope you expand more upon her appearance - how does she view herself. I know she wears American or military things, but how does this make her feel. Does she tell people why she does these things? Expansion will be your friend with the smaller details and I know you can do it!

→ I learned a lot of facts about Quin in the personality section, but I am left feeling as though you might want to reorder paragraphs so they mesh together and flow better. I also think that while your narrator tone is wonderful for this section, it's very different from the one that was used in the appearance. I'm not sure if this was on purpose or not, but it might be food for thought - to slide your paragraphs together a little bit more fluently. I also think that there could be paragraphs here that could have ended up in the history section - or you could have explained further about how the events, like her father's being gone a lot, impacted her personality even more.

QUOTE (Personality)
Quin has always had a clear vision for what she wants for her future, to follow in the footsteps of her family in joining the Navy. As such, she's always had a drive burning inside of her to put her on her desired path.


→ This stuck out to me, perhaps most of all, in her profile because I was struck by the fact that even though she is a witch, even though she knows magic exists, she wants nothing more than to be in the American Navy? I want to know how being a witch has impacted her as well, Puzzle.

We get to the history section of the profile and wow Puzzle, I am amazed. This is by far your strongest writing in the profile and I'm struck by how thought out Quin's earlier years have been captured into this profile. I'm excited to learn more about Quin as well as her father, and the stepmother and sister she has acquired along the way. Of course, as time goes on and you get to know Quin, you will figure out her earlier years at Hogwarts. Remember, you could even include her sorting or something, especially after the wonderful flashback about being worried no one would like her. I'm so excited for learning more of her home life and relationships with these people in her life. You've done well with this.

Your next reviewer will talk about your posts more, but I did notice a striking difference in her profile vs the posts about how the magical world is with her. I don't mean that she views the magical world any different, I mean that in the profile it is barely incorporated at all, while it's integrated into her posts - probably because she's at Hogwarts - a lot. My biggest advice today is bridge the two Quins' and mess them together.

I think I have said all there is needed to say from me at this moment. I am excited to see where you take Quin and how you advance with her. I APPROVE you and @Quin Danse for BEGINNER. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, people come find me either via Skype or a PM. Good luck with your next review, see you next time!

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33
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T.J. · 16 · 6th · Undecided · Dating · 5'10"
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May 8 2018, 10:37 AM   Link Quote
Heya there, Puzzle! I'm Teej (but you know me, don't you?) and I'll be your second reviewer for Quin's beginner rank. Firstly, I do want to apologize for the delay between your first and second reviews, as that is something that is entirely my fault. But, we really don't have to harp on that too much, especially because this isn't about me, so let's get started! As Kenz already mentioned, I'll be focusing on your posts and strength of voice, mostly because these are the things I adore most. Let the games begin!

while those ICBM's keep us free

Since I don't think I have reviewed you before, I'll go ahead and tell you that one of my favorite things about reviewing posts is the beginning of threads, especially when started by the person up for rank. In your first thread that is exactly what I (we?) get, and you set the tone pretty nicely with the imagery you painted.

QUOTE
Cool, spring air burned at Quin’s throat as heavy breathes left out of her lungs in rapid puffs. It felt good be outside, blood pumping through her body with each beat of her heart, it’s rhythm elevated by her current physical activity. The sun had barely started peeking up over the horizon, filling the lioness a renewed sense of energy. Despite how much she enjoyed her morning runs, it was sometimes difficult to find the motivation to roll out of bed at five, when the sun was still down and the cold air nipped at her bare toes.


Now, the one thing you'll probably notice here is that I cute that last sentence off-- and while it's strictly personal preference, I'm going to tell you why. Firstly (or mostly), the picture you've already painted is plenty strong enough, and the words that I chopped off were removed mostly due to getting a bit... Wordy. I don't want to say less is more here, mostly because that is fairly generic advice, but what I will say is that you want to be mindful of getting long-winded in setting a scene. You don't want to give your scene partner too much to digest, or too much to wrap their head around, because of how it dilutes the strength of the scene.

In any case, this is still a really strong section and one that I obviously adore. Nicely done!

But then I saw something a bit... Odd, if not inconsistent, that I'd like to address with you. It includes an example from the first section, the one I adored, but this time I'm going to give you a bit of criticism. From the first paragraph:

QUOTE
Despite how much she enjoyed her morning runs, it was sometimes difficult to find the motivation to roll out of bed at five


and then, a little further down:

QUOTE
However, she enjoyed her time in the mornings as well and didn’t mind getting up before the sunrise


Not gonna lie, this one right here stumped me, especially because I remembered that I'd just read how much she seemingly struggled to get up that early, so it left a weird taste in my mouth. Sometimes in writing it is easy to lose ourselves (I know, I've done it plenty of times before), but one thing you absolutely want to be mindful of is sentences that may or may not contradict one another. Does Quin enjoy getting up early? Or is it a struggle? Pick one, and then, when given chance drive that point home. You don't want to waiver too much, as again it can be confusing for your readers or roleplay partners.

Aaand, I don't want to rail on you too much here, really I don't, but for the sake of being complete, I wanted to point out something else that struck me as odd. Namely, the specific details you gave us about Gabe, Quin's cousin.

QUOTE
Once her navy blue coat was freed from her bag, she pulled it on and buttoned it up. Technically, the piece of clothing didn’t belong to her. It was Gabe’s, one of her cousins and closest friends. The most rambunctious out of the four boys, the two of them were the closest in age, him being just a few months younger than Quin. He had loaned the lioness the jacket about two years ago and, while she had had every intention of returning it, she had just never gotten around to it. It was doubtful the teen even remembered that she had it. Part of Quin hoped he never asked for it back. Despite the fact that it had long since lost the smell of her aunt’s house, it was nice to have a little something that reminded her of home.


Now, again, the one thing that I do like that we're continuing to see here is your ability to paint a scene with vivid colors. I can really visualize that coat, which I think is so, so, important, but where you lose me is in the excess information about Gabe. I'm not necessarily saying it's a bad thing, but at the same time, it does... Read a bit odd. This thread is fairly new or in its developing stages, and while I appreciate the shown importance of her relationship with Gabe, I think that specific information comes a little late in the thread. Less is more: I said that I'd hate to use that, and I do, but I think in this case it helps to remember. You're not doing bad, perse, but you really want to be mindful of how wordy/long-winded you get in establishing a storyline.

In short, you're doing great, but condense! It's extremely clear that your vision for Quin is strong, but where I want to see you improve is in giving us more, with less. Cut out some of the bulkier details and replace it with smaller portion sizes, if not for yourself than for the flow of your work, as the one area it's really hurting right now is flow. You're close-- closer than I think you know, but flow is one of the hardest parts of writing to maintain. Continuing working through that, I think, and your writing will only get that much better!

Heart hits like a drum

First things first, I want to say that I really adore the playful demeanor that you established between Quin and Dracon in this thread, and even in the way that Quin interacts with the lamb. More than that, though, you give us delicious little details into who Quin is exactly. It's important, I think because it sets the scene for how she has shaped into the woman she is. An example:

QUOTE
When he asked her to play, she shrugged. Quidditch wasn’t exactly Quin’s sport. She preferred having her feet firmly on the ground. To be fair, she wasn’t really good at anything other than baseball. Sure, she would occasionally shoot hoops with her cousins or hit a climbing wall or two with her father when he wasn’t too busy, but they never hit her interest in the same way.


See, that's just nice! You explain that Quidditch isn't her spot, why it isn't her sport, and even give us a glimpse into her relationship with both her father and baseball. It's not something that can be faked, if that makes sense, and I really enjoyed finding that little nugget at the bottom of your first post. Nicely done!

A small note here, but, I've noticed Quinn bounces on the balls of her feet a lot. Interesting! Is there a reason for this? I don't ask because of there needing to be (because there is no need, to be clear), but more so out of curiosity. It's been mentioned a few times, and that really stirred a curiosity in me- which is another thing! You're doing a much better job in this topic alone of drawing the readers in, and the overall flow of your thoughts is far more consistent. That too, is nicely done. ^-^

QUOTE
The playful grin that quickly took over the girl's face spoke to the fact that it was, of course, all in good fun. When Dracon mentioned the idea of her having eagles in her pocket, she couldn't help but laugh. "As much as I would love to have brought a convocation of bald eagles with me from America, I'm pretty sure to remove such a noble, proud creature from it's rightful home in the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave would be downright cruel. Alas, I will just have to demonstrate the pride and greatness of our nation on my own." She shrugged and added, nonchalantly, "I guess if you really need an eagle though, I could always summon my patronus."


I've included this quote because of how strongly it paints Quin, and not just that, but her pride in being American. The constant comparisons/allusions to the bald eagle are also nice, if for no other reason that 1) I'm American myself and 2) The bald eagle truly is one of our proudest symbols, so seeing that incorporated here with Quin is as nice to read as it is fitting for her character. You have a very clear goal with her, a mindset even, and as this thread progressed I think that vision only became stronger.

radiation burns

Here we see a little bit more angst from Quin, which is nice I think, when you compare it to the lighter tones of the past two threads. The example I'm going to pull, though, is one where we see Quin compared to her father again. Not just her father, but her grandather as well. Anywho, it reads:

QUOTE
Sometimes, it astounded the girl just how much she sounded like her father. She could vividly recall the way he would address her, that same stern tone coupled with his curt mannerisms. Of course, she didn't quite have the same presences that flooded the room with authority and demanded respect that he did. Quin could only imagine it came with years of practice, dealing with unruly Seamen fresh out of boot camp who thought they were seriously hot shit. Maybe one day she would master it to. After all, she did plan to follow in his footsteps... And her grandfather's footsteps... And her great grandfather's footsteps...


Call me a sucker, but I live for these kinds of details, especially because of the way it can tie a character so strongly to their family origins. It may seem small, but again, for my taste, it's just nice to read. Furthermore, as these threads progress, I feel like I'm really getting to know Quin, and that's huge because of just how difficult that is to maintain (or obtain even). Your writing and consistency in voice are also getting a lot stronger, which ya know... That's just the cherry on top of the sundae!

As far as liberty reprimed goes, this is only a starter and thus I don't feel as though I get a good enough glimpse into the path this thread was headed down, but again I'd like to note the growing strength (and thus confidence) you have in Quin's voice. That is just so important because it's not something that can be faked, so again I'll applaud your efforts. It really feels like Quin has blossomed and in turn, so has your writing, and I for one am happy for having been able to go on this journey with you.

Verdict:

Well, it's been quite a journey! I can honestly say that the Quin I encountered at the beginning of this ranking is not the Quin I see at the end of your threads, and while drastic change can sometimes be... Harmful, I think what we've seen with Quin is good, if not for her then definitely for your development as a writer. I can really tell the work that you have put into her, into making her voice and her characterizations strong and consistent, and while some of the threads were short I felt like I got just enough of her to understand your intended course with here. Therefore I approve @Quin Danse for beginner, as I feel like you are more than on the right path to establishing Quin as a stronger force in your writing. Congratulations, and good luck with your future ranking endeavors! As always, if you have any questions then please don't hesitate to ask. <3

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