izarding
izarding
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It's summertime in Scotland; the weather has begun to clear, and the flowers are in full bloom! Now is a time for bonfires, stargazing and long nights spent with friends and family! Welcome to Wizarding Realm- an AU Harry Potter role play set in current day hogwarts!
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 William Pierce - Novice, 18/03
$$$ammeh · 16 · fifth · Aegis · half being · 5'9
Gryffindor Novice
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Awards: 27

Jan 4 2015, 04:57 PM   Link Quote
Link to character workshop topic: I wrote stuff, hooray!

Rank Applying For: Beginner!
At least three of your recent role play topics:
  • Take aim and reload with Severin Larsson

    Severin and Billy's first meeting wasn't really a good start, but neither is their second. What starts as an innocent and stupid staring contest on Billy's part quickly ends up in a fight in the middle of the great hall during breakfast.
  • No time to say hello, goodbye! I'm late I'm late I'm late! with Shiral Verdantclaw.

    Being assigned a group partner that you don't know in the slightest isn't always fun. Nevertheless the two of them have to try and work together to get this project done in time.
  • All that grows out of the skulls of the living with Tilda Burning

    (Maybe it will get to two posts by the time this gets reviewed.) Tilda and Billy find out that trying to get some seeds from the top shelf is a lot harder than they first thought. And these kids call themselves witches and wizards! It does provide some funny situations though.


Why you feel that you should move up: I just kinda wanna know if I'm on the right track with Billy here. Most of you guys know what I have in mind for him once I get him to Novice (hopefully) and all the suggestions I receive here in the meantime will help me out to actually get him to that rank. Billy is more an experiment than a challenge like Sigurd was, so writing him isn't all that hard. I mean, this history was for once the easiest thing to write about that whole profile. I feel like he's ready for beginner level now?

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Jonx · 15 · 5th · AEGIS · ·
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Jan 11 2015, 02:24 PM   Link Quote
Hi Sammeh! :3 I hope you're not sick of reading stuff and advice from me, because I'm here once again to review you WOOO. Assuming I can count, I'll be your first reviewer this time around. You know the drill, yes?

QUOTE
Beginner

• At least 2 recent topics with at least 2 posts by your character in each.

• Have your character profile in the workshop with at least one revision posted by you.

• What we are looking for: At the beginner rank, we are focusing heavily on your profile. As such, we are going to give you suggestions to improve all aspects of your profile and also a few suggestions to improve your posts. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.), good spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post. Additionally, we'd like to see that you have made an effort to expand all areas of the profile (i.e., not just personality or not just history, etc.)


PROFILE

    Woo, another free format! I love these and you do quite well with them :3 So, keep in mind, this review is gonna be a little… weird. As a fellow free-format profile writer, I think this time what I’ll mainly be doing in this review is trying to strengthen the overall style and structure of your profile, instead of giving you specific advice on what sort of things you should add to each of your sections. I think your other reviewers will do an awesome job of giving you advice on new content you could add so I’m not too worried! I can see that you’re probably going to put a lot of time into these sort of profiles so I want to help you out as best I can x3 If you’d like extra personal feedback regarding the other stuff at the end of this feel free to PM or skype me, dear! <33

    My favorite thing about your appearance section is how much you describe Billy's aura as opposed to just physical characteristics. I think it's especially apparent because of the lovely descriptions of his expression and movements which definitely help give us an idea of his personality. However, small things throughout this section come across as slightly confusing for a few reasons – mainly because of unexplained contradictions! Here are a few examples: if you're a runner, it's extremely difficult to run with untied shoe laces so I was wondering if that was just an in the moment thing for Billy or are his shoelaces never tied? The last sentence in the paragraph about hair left me a little confused, too! If the hair is bleached, dry, messy, dead, and he doesn't even dye the roots then what is there to maintain? What about the fact that he’s attempted to be relaxed, but the audience just knows it’s an act of self defense?

    Now I'm not suggesting that you change these details! In fact, I think these contradictions fit your kid's rebel personality and he’s a very interesting character c: What I am suggesting is, if you're going to use a second person point of view, you should very clearly and thoroughly support the conclusions you make for your audience instead of.. (hmm, how do I describe this) having them become mind readers, I suppose? For a specific example, how do I know that this air of nonchalance is all an act? Instead of explaining how Billy’s behavior contradicts his attempt to look carefree, you simply state that’s the way it is but that he is almost convincing. Is there a stiffness to his face when he smiles? Do his eyes look misted with worry? Does he sound hesitant when he talks? Then, try to do this and apply it to all the details of appearance! Uhmm, if you’d rather not add in all these details, you could always change the point of view to third person narrative (someone with omnipotent knowledge) I suppose. But that would mess with the format, and where it stands now, the set up your profile is lovely. You’ve got a wonderful way in describing things Sammeh, so I’m sure you’ll figure out something!

    ALRIGHT. Personality. So again, the second person point of view means that you’ve got to give even more explanation than normal. You do it in some places for this section, such as with the chief’s daughter (woerjowiej cuteeeee) and the way you prove Billy’s curiosity by saying he was spotted craning his neck and such. Again, do this in more places because it’ll strengthen the sort of narrative style you’ve got going here. By just assuming for the audience it sort of forces questions into my head and that takes away from how wonderfully written everything is! Don’t be discouraged though. I’ve also come across a lot of difficulty with second person in my profile for Lyle x3 We’ll get through them together!

    I'd also like you to keep a close eye on grammar. You're developing a fondness for semi-colons, which definitely isn't a bad thing. I love 'em! But remember that they connect two independent clauses. Like this for example:

    QUOTE
    He's overprotective of some people; claims that he wouldn't lay awake if they got in some serious trouble but would be the first to stand by their side and fight.


    This is incorrect because if you were to separate the two halves of these, “He's overprotective of some people” would be able to stand on its own, but "Claims that he wouldn't lay away if they got in some serious trouble but would be the first to stand by their side and fight" isn't a complete sentence. On the subject of grammar and structure, you've also got a few mistakes here and there (misspelled words, use of “everything” instead of “anything”, etc.) which can easily be caught out with a thorough read-through. Some sentences come off as too long. Sometimes you’re just missing a comma, and other times the sentence just needs to be cut into parts. But yes, nothing you can’t spot by reading everything again!

    And then history! No complaints about point of view here since we’re actually in Billy’s mind hehe. Cool idea. I like it! You’ve got a great explanation on his relationship with his mother. The love there radiates in the memories you describe and it’s sweet and wonderful and yes. I’m a bit confused about the sudden transition of Billy’s personality. As a kid, he stole things because it was thrilling which I thought was a little weird because he’s like… less than 10 in those memories, and younger kids find it easy to find adventure in make-believe and pretend x3 Perhaps you could talk about his first memory of stealing to show how its so much more different. But errr, I got off track. I wanted to say that I think it was a little jarring how sweet and adorable Billy was with his mother, and then suddenly he’s trying to act like the rebellious trouble maker in the personality section. If you could build up to that moment in the history section (like gradually mention how his personality changed over time) and the specific memories that influenced this change, that would be awesome! The most I can do with what I’m given currently is think “Hmm, so he’s probably acting this way because his mom doesn’t get to pay that much attention to him anymore?” But I don’t want to assume the wrong things about your character, and I don’t think you do either D: So yes. Events that explain the shift in Billy’s demeanor would be a great addition.
POSTS
    Posts! You're definitely at beginner rank at least x3 You've got some occassionally grammar errors (lack of capitalization, misspelled words, etc.) but who doesn't honestly. We just gotta do our best to minimize them as much as possible! Billy's personality shines through in your writing because of the descriptions of his inner thought processes. In regards to advice, I'd say start working on including more of the boy's environment and physical reactions (instead of only his actions) x3 Describe tastes in the great hall thread, the smaller side effects adrenaline has on his body, the satisfaction of punching Severin in the gut! Overall, however, you're at where you need to be c:
IN SHORT...
    I APPROVE Billy for Beginner. I challenge you to tackle the obstacles that come with writing in second person for novice. The profile is great as it stands, but the assumptions on Billy's personality and appearance come off as a bit jarring without definite justification. However, I do love him as a character and I can't wait to see the plots you've got in store for him! By the way... I am sooo incredibly sorry for how long this turned out. >>; like. Truly.

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Emilex · 17 · 6th · Neutral · ·
Ravenclaw Novice
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Jan 20 2015, 10:55 PM   Link Quote
Helloooo Sammeh! Emilex here with your second review! I know you know how this goes, so how about I just skip on down to your profile?

So before I get into anything specific I'd just like to say that I really enjoy your profiles. I've reviewed you for rank a few times before, and even with a different character you do profiles magnificently. I'm especially impressed with the way you've managed to use the same idea of telling a story, but you've done it through an entirely different method from Sigurd's, and it seems to reflect Billy here fantastically.

Now, your appearance. I have to agree with Jinx--the way you've described not just the way Billy looks physically but also his demeanor is great. I have no doubt you'll continue with that as you continue to work on him. As it stands, I don't have too much to suggest here. I might like to see what you can do with the paragraph where you describe his eye color, though. The way it's written now, it feels a little to me like it's slipped through the cracks when you were working on stringing everything together. It goes from all of this excellent description of the way he moves and the little things, but then the eyes seem almost an after thought to me, and I'm not sure if it just needs more motion in the paragraph or if it would be better integrated into another paragraph instead, but there's something about it that just seems a little off to me. And on the note of reordering things, when you get into describing Billy's mouth you say that he pouts, but then you start describing his teeth. I think it might make a little more sense to describe his teeth while he's still smiling rather than after we hear that he's stopped smiling. Overall though, really great!

So, now we have your personality. I think it's safe to say that I think this is fantastically written as well! There are a few things that stand out to me though. For one, in your first paragraph you say that his lack of respect isn't "a lack of education or anything", but you follow up with comments on how Billy talks to other people and makes them laugh. Both are great things to include, but I'm not quite sure how they connect to one another. You don't necessarily have to be well educated to have great people skills, so I think this could use a little clarifying. Aside from that, this section does feel a little more disjointed to me. There's a lot there that, while informative and definitely worth keeping, kind of seems to come out of nowhere, and it gets a little confusing. For instance, the paragraph about brooms. Where did this come from? How do we know he's wary of brooms? Was there one sitting in the room that he shies away from a little? As a last note on this section, I think it would be sort of cool if you incorporated more dialogue. You say Billy asks a lot of random questions--can we hear some of them? And what about his snarky retorts? This profile is very much an experience, and I think it would be pretty cool to have that opportunity to get into it further!

And we'll bring it around to your history and wrap this up! I love the contrast between Billy's home and friends, and how you show that magic was a normal part of his life. It's an interesting point of view, and I think you should run with it! Maybe add a little more about how he perceived this difference between the magical world and the muggle world. He didn't understand why other people thought his mother was a witch, but did he think it was weird that everyone wasn't like that? I'd also love to see more of his life after he got to Hogwarts. I realize that sometimes this part can be sort of hard to fill out because we sometimes need plots with other people, but I'm sure there's more you could add. Maybe you could mention more about his aversion to flying here! Or whether or not he excelled at Herbology because of what his mother taught him!

Lastly we have your posts which, as you know, isn't really the focus of beginner. Yours are certainly beginner quality though! You have a great amount of detail, and you give your partners plenty to work with! Billy seems to be pretty consistent too, which is great. You should definitely continue to explore him in as many situations as you possibly can. Maybe try threads with younger characters, for instance. Or teachers! Stretch Billy's interactions and see what happens!

So in short, I too approve you for beginner! Congratulations! You've got a great basis for Billy, and your profile is well above beginner level. I hope the feedback you get from this rank helps you continue on the path you've already started with him, and I can't wait to see what happens next!

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Set thanks to LIZZY! <3
Steph · 18 · 7th · Dead · Single · 5 ft. 11 in.
Gryffindor Intermediate
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Jan 20 2015, 11:28 PM   Link Quote
Hullo Sammeh! This is like the fifth time I've started this review, so we're going to skip the niceties and jump right in. XP

Profile

So, the thing that mostly jumps out at me with the appearance section is something that Jinx said: it sort of feels like we the reader (or the "you" specified, anyway) are meant to be mind readers. I definitely like the details that you include, and the way you write the profile makes it interesting to read, but I think the thing that you always have to be careful of with this style of format is that it relies a lot on what can be readily observed. I always end up wondering why anyone's paying quite that much attention. XD I think what I'm trying to get at is that sometimes freestyle can really add to the profile, and sometimes it can distract from what needs to be there? If that makes sense I do think that Jinx gave you some good advice on how to improve that angle of it, but I'm adding in my observations here.

This might be slightly nitpicky, but it's I see a couple spots like it where it feels like it's contradictory or just... doesn't quite match up?

QUOTE
His eyes turn out to be a grey-ish blue, the colour of about more than half of the human population.


and

QUOTE
The upper teeth are as straight as nature could get them; no flawless line to glide his tongue over but instead a little uneven. The lower half has a few open spaces, but only because his gum seems to be sitting just a tad lower there than it should be. A set of teeth anyone would be proud of to have.


These just read as a bit strange to me when I was reading through, since blue eyes aren't that common. Obviously lots of people have them I have them but they're a lot less common than, say, brown eyes. This is super nitpicky, I'm sorry. But I'm pointing it out to just let you know to be careful of some of the ways you describe things. Your descriptions on the whole are lovely, it's just the little aside type things that don't always match up. On the teeth thing, I mostly point it out because it seems strange to call them "teeth anyone would be proud to have" when you've just described them as uneven? Seems a little strange, considering how much money people routinely spend to correct that sort of thing. Basically, as you're going through your profile and adding in new details, ask yourself if things make sense logically. I know sometimes I at least get on a roll and it doesn't always come out the way I intended it to.

On to personality. I think mostly what I'd like to see here is more of the why's. Also it feels a bit like there's a lot of observing without as much explaining? The observations are interesting, and I'm not saying to take them out, but I think they would do better if they were there to enhance the details, if that makes sense? Like. I don't want to wonder how Billy got to be who he is--I want to know, since that's the whole purpose of the profile. I feel like giving more focus to the details of Billy's personality would do a lot to help us better understand who he is and why he is. On a related note, I find some of the observations distracting just because... I don't really understand where they're coming from, or what the conclusions are being drawn from? Like I'm not sure how Billy being good with kids is meant to be clear from the context it's mentioned in.

Annnnd on to history. Sooo I really like your history section. I love love love your description of Billy's childhood, and his relationship with his mother. Something I'd like to see is more on his time since he's been at Hogwarts? He's had four and a bit years there, I want to know what all has happened to him! Give us some of those details.

I think overall you're off to a good start. I think mostly you just need to clarify what you have--you've got the important stuff, it's just not entirely clear yet. But that's what revisions are for, and I think you're on the right track!

Posts

Your posts are definitely at least at Beginner level. I think you've got a good start here! Mostly I'm just going to say to keep throwing Billy into different situations to see what happens. I love that you've already got him interacting with different people in different settings, so keep that up!

Verdict

So. Okay. I don't have much more to add I don't think. I think you're off to a really good start with Billy. There are just some things you gotta work on before Novice. In the meantime, I APPROVE you for Beginner!

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Jinx is perfection.

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5/6/15
$$$ammeh · 16 · fifth · Aegis · half being · 5'9
Gryffindor Novice
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Awards: 27

May 12 2016, 06:18 PM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Novice
At least three of your recent role play topics:
  •  it feels just like it was yesterday— -with Henrietta Woodbane

    After being best childhood friends for years, it takes a music box for Billy to realize that this girl in front of him is actually the Henri he used to hang out with back in Brooklyn. Even though he isn't ready to open up completely just yet and be like they used to be, it's gonna be the start of adorable things okay!

  • Moonlight drowns out all but the brightest stars -with Marco Connor

    Billy doesn't really like Marco, even though the guy's teaching his favorite subject. He basically judges on appearance rather than anything else and -hopefully- he's gonna be the victim of that himself as well soonish. Marco desperately tries to reach out, and hey, it kinda works! A little?

  • your bloodline can't be changed -with Sascha Klaus

    Sometimes I forget that Billy is barely 16, and then he surprises me with the most ridiculous comebacks that definitely reflect his age better than how he wants people to see him. It's just not always easy to pick fights with students much older and malicious than you are. That's something he doesn't always understand just yet. The astronomy tower is one of his favorite places and he just wants to be left alone. When Sascha comes to invade his safe space, he's left to quickly build up his wall again.

  • isn't this a vine? -with Kiana van der Decken

    This one is a little filler to show off Billy's other personality when he's with people he feels he can really trust. It's a lot more talking and ridiculous behaviour that he usually tries to hide from others. So yes, have some banter because of course he's there at the right time when one of his friends comes crashing down the stairs. It's 2 in the morning, though, so it does not have a second reply yet: the rambling will happen, i swear.
Special request:


Ability: half-veela
What type of ability is this? it' a trait, bc he's pretty? I think?
Please describe the ability and what it will entail: uhh he is really breathtakingly beautiful and sorta has this thing where people get kinda entranced. It's complicated with genders and sexualities, but that's the basic gist of it! He cannot do the fire spitting bird transformating thing, and he just ages like a normal human, really.
Where will this ability apply? both

How does this ability fit into HP and WR canon? it is very much HP canon, except that you could argue that males in veela offspring don't exist? In the books there is a question during i think it was an O.W.L exam….or W.O.M.B.A.T -I'm not sure- where it was asked if full-blooded male veelas exist. Which makes me believe that male half offspring is def a thing c:

How will this ability benefit your character? Or how do you plan to use this ability for development? Billy never knew anything about his real parents, and has absolutely no clue his adoptive mother used to know them. I want him to find out (because honestly which kid doesn’t want to know), let his adoptive mother confront him with the fact that he is a being and then get this whole truth in his face about her being one too. It will create huge trust issues for him: in the way he handles the only family member he has ever known suddenly lying to him, doubting the intentions of those around him and even himself when it comes to relationships. He doesn’t show how insecure he can be and getting over the fact that he’s a veela will help him out with his self confidence! He's gonna start dating Henri, and he's gonna doubt her feelings for him. He'll have one of his best friends Kiana who he really relates with suddenly look at him in weird ways, getting distrustful. When Billy would see this happening to others he would step in and defend them, but it's a whole different story when the roles are reversed. You know, basically just the regular "let's break my kid"!

Anything else? Well, my main goal of this request is to break some stereotype boundaries? Honestly Billy's whole existence erupted from a late night conversation about the topic. The veelas we know from the hp universe are all female, as well as these graceful creatures. I wanted a boy who ended up in the hospital wing more often than not with a bruised face but was still a veela, simply because he wasn’t raised as one. The kid you would least expect to be a creature like that. Yet he still sorta relates to them on a subconscious level, like wanting his hair to be blonde just like his mom's. Along the way he just developed some issues because people only ever saw the prettiness and he wanted to be praised for what he did and not what he looked like. It happens, I guess?

Also, since Billy ranked to beginner just before pre-approvals set in, I got pre-approved for this later on through pm. It allowed me to shove some of the veela stuff into his profile, mostly suggestions by staff at the time! Since novice doesn't require a profile anymore and Intermediate does, I would love to get some more out of this! I mean, if this doesn't get approved, it doesn't matter and I can delete everything again.



Commentary: This got kind of long….Sorry about that ;^;

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Tine · 16 · 6th · neutral · Pureblood · 5'7
Banned
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May 14 2016, 12:43 PM   Link Quote
Hello Sammeh, you know me - it’s me, Tine - and today I’m here to have a look at Billy for Novice rank, yiha! But before we get started, we have to check the requirements for Novice first!

QUOTE
• At least 9 posts by your character over 3 threads.
• Some variation in who you're posting with (ie. threads should not all be with the same character).
• The beginnings of a long-term plot arc, or at least an idea of where you would like to see your character move towards.
• A special request (if you'd like one) and your justification for the request. Make sure to highlight any changes you have made between Beginner and now.
• At Novice, we are focused on consistency in character and writing. At this stage, we will take a break from your profile, and look solely at your character’s threads and plots, with a focus on your character as they have now had time to interact with others. Having had time to develop your character, you should be comfortable writing some common situations they find themselves in. Grammar, spelling, and punctuation should also be consistently correct at this stage, if not always perfect.


That looks fine, so let’s have a look at those threads you listed. First of all you have obviously considered the advice that has been given to you in your Beginner reviews and varied the people you are plotting with, both in character as in different characters played by several different people, good job!

Okay so first thread with Henrietta reads really nicely and I think one can see that this is going places at one point or another - and I am looking forward to see where this is going. You have a good balance on what is happening around Billy and inside his head, and I like the way you describe the memories triggered by the music box. The two of them have an interesting dynamic, and I love childhood friends reuniting. In my opinion, you have quite a clear voice on Billy and a good choice of words to describe the things around him. The only negative thing - or, not really negative but well, enhanceable xD - I found is that sometimes there are words not capitalised that should be, but slightly more intense proofreading will fix that, I am sure.

The next thread with Marco is one I am very familiar with, given I plotted this out with you, but nonetheless we shall look at it. I think it shows a very different side of Billy when he is confronted with actual authority - and maybe even some of his backstory and his past encounters with authority figures. It makes me yearn for more, and also makes me think if he had bad experiences with authorities or just a lack of it in his life? When plotting with another teacher or older student, you could try and involve more memories of his past to make his point towards them even clearer. I especially enjoyed the turn in the end when he kind of gave in to Marco, and I would love to see more of this!

QUOTE
Juvenile. He didn't like that word, not at all. It wasn't for its meaning; Billy never liked to label himself something as ridiculous as 'an old soul'. He knew he was young because of how fast his legs could still carry him without worry to weigh him down. It was more the bad memories attached to it. Way too often had it left the mouths of cops like a religious mantra, spit out with disdain as they looked down on him with their so called authority.


I am pasting this quote right here because this is where his personality and his history are peeking through within the posts, and I think this is the kind of atmosphere you should be aiming for. The Sascha thread is an interesting one, especially considering your description of it. Here, Billy’s very young age is showing, and while I would not call him immature you definitely can still see these childlike streaks every now and then, and I think that makes him a really authentic character - because we all know boys lack behind a little, and no one is a fully grown adult at the age of 15 or 16.

Although the thread with Kiana doesn’t have a second reply, I think it shows another side of Billy again and is a good display of the variety of people you threw him at. Also I don’t know why, but I laughed too hard at this description:

QUOTE
So of course it was to be expected that it was Kiana of all people to lay there a few inches from his dirty sneakers like some dead pigeon waiting for heaven or something.


So, to put it all together, you are offering a great post length with plenty of opportunities for your roleplay-partners to react, and it looks like you already have a good grasp on Billy’s distinct voice and rhythm already, while displaying his age and his personality well. I would love to see more glimpses on his past within the posts you make, as it has for sure been a wild one - and maybe more descriptions of the people he faces, and how he sees them. You describe both his thoughts and his environment well, as well as his movements. Billy is a very dynamic character, and it shows well in describing his gestures, movements and so on. You are on a good way here - and the few typos I spotted can surely be erased with some more proofreading but who am I to say that.

Special Request:
Now we are at the delicate part of ranking, the special request. I know you have been pre-approved on this and could enhance this request based on suggestions, and with the explanations you offer, I definitely think it would give an interesting turn to Billy’s personality and development. It fits with his history and how people react towards him, and despite no real HP-canon explanations for this one, I like the idea and I am convinced it works in the ways you are explaining it and intending to use this request. Also I love seeing children break, so I will approve this request :3

Verdict:
And I don’t know if this is long or just looks really long. However, we have reached the end of this review and I hope I was being helpful with your posts. I want to see Billy shoved in even more varying situations, I want to see him messed up and I think the half-veela request is a good way to bend and break the poor boy. So I won’t drag this out any more and will APPROVE your special request and APPROVE you for Novice as well, congrats and good luck with your next review <3

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mayo horse · 16 · 6 · · muggleborn · 5'10
Hufflepuff Novice
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May 27 2016, 03:57 AM   Link Quote
HELLO SAMMEH. I'm sorry I've taken my time getting here, but let's get on with it, since Tine has already been here before and put up the requirements!

SO. You do have good variety in your threads, but what I'd maybe like to see is some interactions with more Hufflepuffs, more ickles, and to start thinking about like...arcs. For intermediate, we'd definitely like to see a long term plot arc taking place, so that's definitely something you can think about - though I imagine you already have ideas lined up with Chubbs and the special request you want for Billy, so I'll assume you have it all under control! (Likewise, if you ever want to run ideas past someone or ask about things or whatever, I'm always around if you want!)

You have a good voice for Billy going, I think, so definitely keep it up, maybe try to refine it a little bit more with word choice and themes that you keep coming back to, but I feel like that's something that you'll be getting into soon enough. I like that Billy's voice is very casual and kind of exactly what I would expect from him, so there's nothing really out of place. Also, what I love about your writing, Sammeh, is that it's very distinctive. I definitely wouldn't mistake your posts for anyone else's and that's definitely a good thing, because you write very nicely. And on top of that, you have those neat little lines that make me laugh like:

QUOTE (it feels just like it was yesterday)
The whole 'wand chooses the wizard' nonsense went straight over his bleached white hair, however, as he was very certain that he could get himself another tingling piece of wood just as good in case his own would break one day.


And Billy himself is a delight:

QUOTE (your bloodline can't be changed)
"The ghost of Christmas Present, here to tell you you're being a shitlord."


I actually cried at the last one. Billy is a gift.

There are only a few places in your posts that kind of trip me up. Like for the most part, they flow pretty smoothly, there's nothing super left field that makes me stop and go wat and you have both memories and environmental stuff in your posts, which means you're doing good! What I would suggest is if you don't proofread, start now. Rereading your posts helps you to pick out those places where the wording isn't so good such as:

QUOTE (moonlight drowns out all but the brightest stars)
The box of glow in the dark stars got dumped in the first dumpster behind which he'd lit a cigarette with a bunch of British muggle -no, normal- boys.


QUOTE (moonlight drowns out all but the brightest stars)
Yet every little hushed wisher or loud giggle


You used dump twice in the first quote so it kind of sounds a bit off, but rereading your posts before you post them can help to pick up on things like that. Alternatively, if you do proofread then I'm sorry haha, but also try reading your posts aloud because that - believe me - sounds like the dumbest advice until I started reading my posts aloud and then I was like oh man holy shit. But yes. Also I feel like you could stand to get a little more environment in, in some places? Like grab us by the throat and plunge us into the scene. You don't have to wax poetic about the sunset for 600 words, but there's always little lines here and there that you can whap in, just to give us a better picture of the scene we're reading. Although, I'm definitely going to mention that your descriptions are really nice, like in your bloodline can't be changed you have:

QUOTE
The astronomy tower had this certain type of loneliness, almost the same as the one from cities. The empty glow of a bleed of light that passes over faces; the way everything could just stretch on being silent. The astronomy tower had brass orbs mapping out the rooms in a soundless little voyage through the space of it, unbothered by anything else happening in and around the room.


THAT'S SO NICE CRIES.

Also! What I like is that the white ceiling comes back over different threads, and that astronomy is a recurring theme, and recurring themes are great, like...I'm not sure if I ever read Billy's profile, but I feel like I can get an excellent sense of him from your posts, which is what we want to see. So overall, I think you're definitely in a good place with him right now! c:

special request
Basically what Tine said, haha. I don't see anything horribly wrong with this and I feel like you could definitely do stuff with it, so I will approve this request on the basis you give me delicious plot arcs to read for intermediate o u o

verdict
SO here we are at the end. This was indeed a very short review, but that's because you're not prompting any like, epic concerns for me with your writing, and you're doing pretty well with Billy. I definitely have confidence in you to keep doing what you're doing, and develop him further, so I don't really have much to say at all in the way of criticism or advice - just proofread, proofread, proofread, and keep throwing him into a variety of situations, yeah? I'm excited to see what you bring us next for him with that request no pressure, haha, I'm sorry and yeah, basically I approve you both for novice. Congratulations!

@William Pierce

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♔ king of kings
$$$ammeh · 16 · fifth · Aegis · half being · 5'9
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Mar 18 2018, 12:16 PM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Intermediate
Link to character workshop topic: I started this 10k monster in 2015, good times

At least four of your recent role play topics:
  • The Henri arc (aka 15-year-olds are so awkward, pls help them before I get cavities.)

    Do you remember summer? (complete) with Henri Woodbane

    Ok so I’m gonna start off with my fav thread in this whole ranking app. It’s a lovechild of a year, and gosh I adore it. What happened before (and sadly never got threaded) is that Kichi sorta flirted with Henri, asking her out. Billy automatically chimed in, telling him she was busy that evening. Cue him feeling horrible and actually turning up at her bungalow to do...something. It involves alcohol, the stars and unexpected kissing.


    What if we rewrite the stars? with Henri Woodbane

    Still sorta awkward and in denial about what happened at Bora Bora, the two just move on without really mentioning anything. That is until they have to be close again. Billy does an attempt at bleaching Henri’s hair!



  • The Leeeeeeroy Jeeenkins arc (aka someone pls supervise these kids!)

    Courage is grace under pressure with Kiana van der Decken

    Have some ickles! Billy and Kiana meet for the first time, and luckily Kiana knows just what notes to hit to not make Billy close up immediately upon starting a conversation. Kiana is one of Billy’s best friends. It only felt appropriate to highlight the beginning of their adventures.


    BEACH, PLEASE with the whole gang (Kiana, Mitchell and Delany)

    When you get the chance to go to a fancy af island with your homies and share a bungalow together, stuff just turns into a big party! It showcases how comfortable Billy is around these people, and how he lets his guard down because he trusts them wholly. Look at my child growing up -wipes away a tear-


    But then I took an arrow to the knee (complete) with the whole gang

    The legendary thread yo. So….Billy gets an arrow to the foot because these fuckers thought playing with actual weapons is a good idea. That’s it, that’s the thread.


    Dragon Boat race #1 (complete) with the whole gang

    Ok so, this isn’t my best writing, i have to admit. Having a fun event where these losers work together and still fail was hilarious enough to include it nevertheless. The event called for four posts each, so I guess you can even call this thread finished! This is a beautiful example of the essence of Leeroy Jenkins. That’s all I can say.



  • The veela arc (aka Billy learns that once again people can be cruel but that does not mean they all are.)


    Are we getting closer or are we just getting more lost? with Kiana van der Decken

    So, remember how I said Billy and Kiana are best buds? Well, you gotta know I’m ace at ruining friendships. Billy sorta opens up to Kiana about being a veela, after his mom told him about it. Let’s just say it doesn’t go that well.


    King is crown, it's do or die with Lyra Syros

    After the whole thing with Kiana, Billy sorta stopped hanging out with his friends for a while. It’s a normal reaction for him, to distance himself in order not to get hurt again. Luckily not all of his friends think this is the best approach, and Lyra is taking one for the team by calling him out on his bullshit. Confrontation is needed! How else can you grow as a human being?


    bad boy with a tainted heart (complete) with Florentin Deschamps

    Billy runs into Florentin and, while neither of them know each other, they’re both quick to judge. Florentin especially, because not everyone in the wizarding world is super positive about half-beings. Billy punches, bc that is what he always does. In a world full of magic, such a thing isn’t exactly a good tactic.



  • The dealing-with-adults arc (aka You don’t have to grow up physically to understand.)

    With a face like this I won’t break any hearts with Nora Breen

    The aftermath of the previously mentioned thread (so you could argue it also belongs to the veela arc still! Overlaps yay.). Nora is sorta Billy’s second mom at Hogwarts, and in threads like this it really shows. No matter how awkward both of them are, they care for each other. After getting hexed there is only one place to go to, after all. Billy actually cried here, the gross sobbing kind. Something I would’ve never expected him to do in front of someone else than his actual mom. Not every adult is a bad person, he should know this by now.


    You know you’re doing better on your own so don’t buy in with Jacian Turner

    Another aftermath, of sorts. Billy has been going through counselling for a while now, but after punching Florentin he is called for an extra session in a monthly schedule. Billy doesn’t have the best relationship with adults, especially when they are in a position of authority, but he has been opening up to Jacian a bit now. It’s a step further since his awkward moment with Marco in my previous rank up, which is why I wanted to include it!


Commentary: Welp, here we are again. I initially sorta almost ‘finished’ Billy’s profile back in 2015 because I wanted to rank him to novice. New ranking rules came around, and I was able to rank without a profile. It has just been laying around since then. I feel bad? I kinda believe it is one of my best freeform profiles, aside from Sigurd’s. I want it to have another checkup before it disappears into the void of Elite’s shadow.

Billy….turned out very different from what I wanted him to be at first. I used to focus on tough guy a lot, and now I’m happy he got to be the child he actually still is even if I put him through hell. His profile still sorta reflects that, I believe. Like, the kid he used to be and everything he is turning into now? What started out as a challenge to write a trope-breaking veela child turned into creating a coming of age protagonist. I don’t know where I went wrong, or if you could call it ‘wrong’ to begin with. Billy has changed a lot since his last rank, especially when it comes to dealing with his issues by talking about them instead of letting it fester inside of himself. He made friends, lost them again, but still learned how to trust nevertheless. I feel like such a proud mom, you got no idea. At this point that profile needs a check, and so does Billy. Both have come very far after all.

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Stells Artois · 16 · 6th · Viridian Guild · Pureblood · 5'11
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Mar 18 2018, 12:29 PM   Link Quote


Application Accepted!

Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next three weeks.

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Kenz · 17 · 7th · Neutral · Halfblood · 6'1"
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Mar 18 2018, 06:10 PM   Link Quote
Hi Sammeh! We’ve met before - I think? Maybe once or twice? I’m Kenz and it’s interesting to be on this side of the review. I’ve learned a lot about Billy from your ranking app and threads, so without further ado, let’s look at the requirements, what you’ve provided for us, and go from there, shall we?

QUOTE (Requirements)
what we’re looking for at intermediate
At least 12 posts by your character over 4 threads. *
Have another revision of your character profile in the workshop. Some suggestions given at Beginner, as well as any other workshop review suggestions, should also be incorporated into the profile revision.†
A thread in which you use your special request (if you have one). We will evaluate the use of your request and give you tips on how to improve. This thread can count towards the topic number requirement.
**Please note that the Review Team reserves the right to revoke a special request if it is being misused. We will only do this under extreme circumstances, but we do reserve the right to do so.
Continued variation in the people you're posting with (this refers to both characters and writers).
The beginning, middle, or end of a long-term plot arc. Preferably, but not necessarily, a continuation from the one used in your Novice application.
At Intermediate, the focus is on development. While this doesn’t mean that your character needs to have changed drastically, we should begin to see them come out of their comfort zone. Consider the way their relationships with others have affected them, and how their plot arcs will begin to shape them. You should now have an idea of the direction you want to take your character, and your plot arc should reflect this direction.
By now your unique style should be more apparent and consistent. We are looking for writing that matches the mood and pace of the thread. Grammar, spelling, and overall post structure should have improved from Novice, and apparent errors should be minimal.
The content of your profile should contain more depth than that of your profile at Beginner. While we do not expect perfection by any means, we are primarily looking for an expansion that highlights how the character has grown since the last revision. The profile should feel more cohesive and polished than the Beginner profile and make use of the suggestions given by the review team in the first set of reviews if still applicable. Grammar and spelling, at this stage, should have minimal errors.
As you are developing a voice in your posts, think about how your character reacts to their environment, and consider their inner dialogue, vocabulary, memories, etc. These are all things that contribute to your character's unique voice and will help develop your characterization.
*-- While we are looking at a cumulative number of posts, we will take into account how far each thread has progressed, so offering up 9 posts in one thread and three starters probably isn’t the best way to go. Please also note that oneshots will not count towards this total, as oneshots do not highlight interaction with other characters.
†-- If your character previously achieved Novice rank when profile rewrites were still required--that is, if you provided a profile revision at Novice--you do not need to complete a profile revision at this stage.


Well snap, that’s a lot of information, so let’s buckle down and get to it, shall we? You’ve worked really hard to get to this point, so let’s see what you’ve come up with, shall we? I looked at your profile first because it’s the easiest way to get a sense of who he is through this. I’m going to be that person for a moment and make sure that your warning signs to go away are down before you send us looking at your profile, but I figured this was just a hindsight on your paper.

I really enjoyed learning about Billy as though he was an interrogation room, this was a unique way to show who he was and what he stands for. You have a writing style that is very distinct because you use very few contractions. I’m not sure if this is what you were going for or if it was just the profile at this point - I’ll find out later as we move along this review, but for now, I’m caught with this very proper narrator who is unique. This is excellent. However, I want to let you know that I also struggled as a reader for this profile because it switches between third person and second person a lot. The ‘you’ threw me off and so did the ‘telling me what I think about Billy’. I’ll get to some examples in a moment, but I wanted to point this out today because as I write this, I am using ‘yous’. The specific person that I am writing this to is Sammeh, so I can use the word ‘you’ a lot. In a narrative, where the reader is unknown and a rather broad audience, this isn’t something that works very well, unless Billy is the specific narrator and telling the reader how he thinks we should feel about him. Let’s take a look at some examples.

QUOTE (Personality)
You decide to attribute his faked attitude to a form of recklessness,


→ See, instead of telling me what I should think about Billy and attributing his attitude to recklessness, I want you to draw me to that conclusion. The way that I would achieve this would be something like His faked attitude can be a sign of recklessness ….. and then give examples of why this should be happening.

QUOTE (Personality)
Once you ask him about the little incident he denies most of it however.


→ This is a more appropriate way to use the word ‘you’ in a narrative because of a question/answer type of deal, but it’s still not one that should be practiced a lot. Instead, you could write something like, If asked about the little incident he denies most of it, however. It keeps you in the third person, past tense perspective that on wurr, we strive for.

→As a side note, also be careful ending sentences with words such as ‘however’ - it’s usually more seen as a bridge to the rest of a sentence rather than used at the end of a sentence. I didn’t notice this a ton, so maybe this was a hindsight or an exception and as we all know, there are exceptions to every rule in English, isn’t there?

Over all, I think that my overall thought about your profile was that it was amazing, I just don’t like to be told what to think about your character. Show me. Use words and sentences that convince me that not only you know who Billy is, but that I know who Billy is, too. I enjoyed the interrogation type feeling of the profile as an overall, but with your next revision I believe it will be so much more powerful when you structure things in a way to make the reader convinced he should be in the interrogation room and we see reasons why he should be considered reckless rather than being told we should consider him this way.

This was not the only point that I felt this way in your profile, especially in the appearance and personality sections. I feel you do better at weaving a story together when it comes to Billy’s history and I give you kudos for this. He is such an interesting and amazing character with a wonderful background that I want the very best for the both of you. I will spare more examples because I feel you get the gist of what I’m saying. Or I hope you do. This profile is amazing in length and other than a few minor tense type errors, I think that you’ve proofread it and worked very hard on it. It shows and I’m so happy to see that it does.

QUOTE (do you remember summer?)
She was close, so close he could feel her breath on his lips. Close enough to know how looking into her eyes was infinitely better than his view in the dark and clear sky. The air that carried her next words ticked his mouth, made him bite his lower lip instinctively. "I'm engaged you know...."

Billy didn't want to look away. Not yet, afraid this moment would never occur again once the magic between them was broken. It was a shell, where nothing else mattered but Henri being just an inch or so away. The sea had become a distant murmer against her voice saying his name, as nothing could possibly take his focus away from Henri Woodbane. Yet, the tickle of water against his calves urging him to talk, to say something. Anything.

"you should dump his ass."

Somehow he now understood what the big deal about kiss the girl was in The Little Mermaid. As a child the idea of kissing girls was icky. Henri didn't count, not really. She was cooler and more fun than any of the other girls he ever met. Then again, it wasn't like Billy had ever thought about kissing her when he was seven. Kissing was gross. Now it wasn't anymore. Not when the opportunity was this close. Not when the hand moved out of his hair and into the sand, too much of a coward to touch her just yet. What was gross was how someone had given her something like a ring. Didn't they know a tiny music box said so much more? So he replied on instinct, admittedly staring at her lips while doing so.

"I bet it's gross."


→ This is a big quote. I did this on purpose because this part of the thread where I felt Billy finally came alive for me. This was your last post of the first thread and until this point, as a reader I have been reading beautiful metaphors and posts about Billy and his scenery and feelings or whatever, but like, there wasn’t any real emotion to it. There was no “I want more” feelings. And then this came and I went, “Holy crap. This. I need this. All of this.” I had to think about it for a while on how I wanted to express what this did for me, how this was different. Maybe I’m wrong, but it’s in this point in time that you as a writer become alive with him, Sammeh. He’s gripping me. He has some emotions. He’s comparing his situation to other times. Until this time he’s just like, fading within his own story. I know this was a particularly big part of of this plot for him, where he finds out the girl he wants isn’t available and it’s now that I feel what he feels.

I know as a writer it’s hard to be excited about every post that we do, but we need to find something that makes it exciting for the reader to read in each post. We need to make our characters come alive in each and every post. I think this one was different because instead of telling us how he felt, you have examples. Instead of saying he felt bad, like in a previous post, you have us beautiful metaphors like The sea had become a distant murmer against her voice saying his name, as nothing could possibly take his focus away from Henri Woodbane. Yet, the tickle of water against his calves urging him to talk Where you don’t tell us that he’s upset, but you show it. You give us this memory that most of us can relate to from the Little Mermaid. You compared how he felt earlier about Henri to how she feel about now. I need more of this, Sammeh, I need it all the time. I need to feel the joy you have in writing Billy as a character, even when he’s not a super happy himself. It takes lots of work but when you get there, you’ll feel a freedom in your writing like you haven’t experienced before. It can take writers forever to get there and you got it in this post. The only thing is? This is the last post in your thread.

QUOTE (What if we rewrite the stars?)
He never liked it when people called him pretty.

When Henri Woodbane said it, however, it was different. Her smile would be genuine, etched by years of familiarity and memories left behind in the streets of Brooklyn. It held another connotation beyond the fact that her mouth wouldn't morph around the words of 'pretty' or 'gorgeous', but rather one single syllables of 'cool' and 'dope'. It wasn't much but it was different.


→ So nearly a year later, you still have it. I’m so happy to see this. This starter to the next thread tells me that you found the spot of joy within your writing for him and I’m so happy to see this development within you - the problem is, this is the only post in the thread, the only one that I can base character development from the last thread and I’m not seeing a lot. His feelings definitely were changing in the last thread and this starter confirms that, but at the same time, I can’t see a full character development in this arc because it’s already over. So here is my suggestion - when making arcs, make sure that we can see development in your character as whole, rather than just feeling changes within 3-4 posts because it makes it seem rushed and not the way that humans work, if that makes sense. Humans change gradually, over a long period of time and while I know this arc started in summer of 2016 and in RL it’s been a long time, for these two characters, it has not been. Or at least, it’s not supposed to be.

The Leeeeeeroy Jeeenkins arc

QUOTE (Courage is grace under pressure)
A giant fucking talking hat decided who you belonged with, and nobody was freaked out by that in the slightest.


→This is Billy talking, so the use of ‘you’ is correct and sound, here. After all I said about the profile, I thought that I would drop this in here.

As I realized this is already getting long and I want to make sure that I look at all of your things with the glory that it deserves, I wanted to take a step back from telling you about each thread and look at this as a whole - and wow, did you ever enjoy this arc, right? It shows in the feelings that come with Billy as you write and this was what I was talking about earlier with being able to have the readers feel how Billy is. He is at home with his friends and this is very clear. However, once more I am left feeling a little… left behind, in a way? As a reader I want to see the progression of development and somehow we went from Billy meeting Kiana for the first time to them being best friends with Delany and Mitchell. Once more, I understand plotting happens and writers get excited but because there’s no posts with his reflective thoughts about how they furthered their friendship, I don’t understand how we went from first meeting to best of friends.

This arc is great, don’t get me wrong and is definitely some of the best writing I’ve seen thus far from you, I just feel like it jumped the stages of character development that I want to be able to see. Sometimes this means a ‘filler’ thread to have Billy reflect upon his friends as he’s dealing with someone he doesn’t like. Sometimes it means more threads with this characters. It’s up to you as a writer, but I still want to see the progression, not be told that it happened. If you don’t want to actually thread it, insert memories or thoughts about spending time with these people outside of actually spending time with them.

Veela Arc
→ Okay, so I’m knee deep into the second thread and…. It’s done. I’ll read Billy/Flo in just a moment, but I really need to stop and give you some feedback on these first two threads. Here’s the deal, Sammeh - your writing is amazing. It’s got metaphors and beauty, tells us about Billy and the world around him, but I still feel like your arcs, overall, are being portrayed through your eyes, and not his. Kiana’s last post asked what a Veela was, not that she was mad at him. You tell me these things about his friends being mad at him in your application, but this is not something that really seems to affect Billy. He’s fifteen. He’s alone in the world other than his friends. If Kiana is at the table with him at breakfast like she’s supposed to be in the next thread - even if your focus is not on this, he’s going to have feelings about this. I imagine he's going to be torn to pieces over the fact they’re no longer talking - or the reader needs a reason why he’s not. Otherwise, he’s more of a robot than he is a human and this doesn’t make him real. I’m left feeling like Billy is missing as the star of the movie, still.

And wow, what a difference in the Flo/Billy thread, where it’s exhilarating to read and be a part of. This is by far one of the strongest threads I’ve seen on your part - even beyond how Billy felt when he was with his friends. As this is one of your more recent threads, I’m left with the thought that yes, Billy is coming to you. He’s getting there. He’s starting to develop in your head and for the reader.

→ Overall, I'm left feeling confused about the whole veela thing because I know his mother sat him down to tell him in the profile - except that confuses me too because I thought he was adopted - but also, there was like, no big revealing point in his threads? It feels very obvious to me, without looking at the date of your novice reviews, that you received the special request somewhere around late winter/early spring of 2017 because this is when the thread with Kiana starts to tell her about it. There's no memory of his mother telling him, no one shot to tie it all together, we are just told he is half veela in your application and off we go to tell Kiana about it. Please consider tying the profile and the threads together somehow so that it all flows together in a more coherent way. I don't tend to read the profiles of the characters I thread with, let alone the ones I don't until I'm looking at a review, so in order for readers to be able to fully understand the plot arc, it's the writer's job to tie it all together in a nice neat bow.

Teacher threads

→ So first - I read your Novice reviews, good on taking advice from previous reviewers and doing teacher threads, because Billy is definitely one we want to see in this setting. Before I get to his interactions with the adults though, I want to throw this quote in:

QUOTE (With a face like this I won’t break any hearts)
  The fifth year could no longer run to Henri, her friendship no longer valid. Billy earned friendships with gorgeous smiles and flutters of eyelashes, apparently. That wasn’t how it worked. Suddenly every friend he ever made was undeserved. Kiana wasn’t an option either, for not meddling with creatures was the smartest move for once. Kiana didn’t always made smart choices, but Billy couldn’t exactly blame her right now for doing so.


→ Sammeh, I read your threads up till now that you’ve presented us in order. The exact order that you’ve given us to read them in and I’m so lost. Last I heard, Henri was making Billy feel good. I even quoted the starter of the thread where they were going to interact again and I told you I was feeling so excited for Billy because when he was with her, he feels alive to me. Where did this come from? Why isn’t the friendship valid anymore? You don’t tell us if something has happened between them or if it’s because of the engagement, you just drop this here and I’m lost. I still don’t understand from Billy’s perspective why Kiana is no longer an option. The thread where he told her about being Veela wasn’t complete and you can’t help this at times, but there’s no point in other threads where he reflects upon what you/Robin plotted that she said other than that he didn’t want to look at her in the thread with Lyra.

Your readers have been left behind because the only time we see the character development is ooc. This isn’t good. This doesn’t showcase Billy as a character, only that you can develop his plots ooc. I know you can do it in character as well, but this takes time and many, many threads with Billy, toying and finding his voice and I am just now starting to feel like he’s changing at the very end of your app - and only because I see it in your explanations of the arcs rather than in your posts and the progression of Billy as a character.

→ Furthermore, the interactions he has with adults here are two very, very different things. I wish there was a background as to how Nora has become his second mother, a memory, something, but he sees her and he starts bawling. You and Jinx of course plotted out how they became close, but as someone who can’t see that plot development, I still don’t know how this happened. Billy was very different with her than anyone else and all I have to go on was ooc saying that she is like his second mom. With Jacian, he’s a little more reserved and it reminded me of your profile for him, so this is actually really great, since it’s more like he’s thrown back into that interrogation room.

Final thoughts:

→ Overall, I’m struck that you are starting to get to know Billy. As a writer, you are amazing at the background, at telling us what’s going on in the world around Billy, but now I want to push you to become one with him. I know I’m asking a lot, but I know you can do it - I’ve seen hints of it. Billy is not a robot, he has feelings, he reacts to the world around him, and I know there’s got to be memories in there, both good and bad, of his past. But I need to see this in your writing, Sammeh. I want to see the character development that your telling us about in his application. This means that I want to see the thought process of why he feels Kiana is mad at him, why his friendship with Henri is no longer valid, how did he and Nora come to have the relationship that they do.

At intermediate we want to see that you know where you’re going with Billy and I’m not entirely convinced that you do. I have no idea where Henri and Billy stand and that’s not because it’s what he feels, it’s that as a reader, I have no clue what could’ve happened to go from feeling pretty around her to not validating her friendship. As far as the rest of his friends, I don’t get why he is punishing Mitchell and Delany for something that Kiana may or may not have said. As far as the veela goes, all I understand is that this is supposed to cause upset and an angry Billy, but my deepest thought is why? Why does he care what Florentin thinks? How does he actually feel about it, other than punching him and fighting him? These are all things that can be explored further in ‘filler’ threads sometimes, but these were not provided for us. It seems like Billy jumps from place to place and you fill in the gaps in your application rather than in the threads.

You once told me to take my time with wandless magic and have JR fail before rising up again and you were thankful I didn’t just jump into having him be able to cast this type of magic. Your arcs need to be like this as well - take your time with them and with Billy. Play with his thoughts, his feelings, his voice within the threads and do more showing rather than telling. Overlap your threads more - and by that I mean, have him think of past events as he progresses in the newer ones. Memories are powerful and sometimes help shape who we are.

You're an amazing writer and it’s clear to me you’ve proofread these threads a dozen times to get rid of the typos. My biggest suggestion is to relax as you write and really feel what Billy feels - whether it be anger, fear, happiness, sadness, if you feel those as your writing Billy, I assure you the reader will feel them too. After all of this, I hope you found some way to help you grow as a writer and Billy as a character. I am going to suggest that you wait one month before reapplying with @William Pierce You are almost there. I want to see a more developed Billy in character as well as out of character. If you have any questions/concerns about this review, please feel free to contact me at anytime via skype or PM. You still have two more reviews to go, good luck!

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Tine · 16 · 6th · neutral · Pureblood · 5'7
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Awards: 89

Mar 19 2018, 11:41 AM   Link Quote
Hello there Sammeh, you know who I am and I am going to be your second reviewer today, which admittedly feels pretty weird. We are also battling my slow internet today so let’s see how this is going. Kenz has already given you the requirements and a first rundown, so now it’s my turn. Intermediate profiles are always an adventure because I rarely do them so I will take a look at both your posts and profile, naturally, and comment as I go. Let’s get this started!

Now I’ve reviewed you before - on several characters - and also on Billy, and I am familiar with the profile as I’ve been looking over it every now and then over the past years too, so none of this is really news to me, but some of the threads definitely are. Let’s start with your profile. First of all there is definitely an expansion from edits before because wow, this thing is huge - but that’s mostly a good sign, because we develop our children as we plot them and I’d be worried if there was less of information. Now I’ve read Kenz’s review before as well and while I get that the you can be confusing - a piece of advice I received in the past as well, but find myself coming back to every now and then, depending on the character - I think for a future profile revision, it would already do to give us a more detailed description of the freeform. Don’t get me wrong, the idea is awesome and very fitting for a character like Billy, but I think you can drag us - the reader, seeing through the eyes of the person who leads the interrogation as far as I perceived it - into the scene faster by giving us more details on the statement. Hell, describe the office if you have to, just give a few more hints so we know who we as a reader are now, so we know who is addressed by the you. I’m sure you can make this work. As I said, I get the confusion but I think there are ways for you to work around it while keeping the atmosphere as well.

Starting with your appearance, I like how you broke the pattern I - and others - often use and somehow started with his ticks and the way Billy holds himself before zooming into the details. Which, at the same time, doesn’t mean you don’t give us details. There is always so much in your writing, and I want to throw in an example that just stood out to me, because I wasn’t aware you could use the tying of shoelaces as an indication of personality traits - and yet you do!

QUOTE
Those sneakers he wears on his feet look older than the dirt of the earth itself. The same pair worn day after day because they’re his favourite or simply because it’s the only pair he has. You’re not quite sure. The right one’s seam at the front is coming loose and you believe they used to be white and teal before they faded into the brownish museum of dirt they are now. The laces are hastily tied, but that task in its own seems to be impossible with how they’re unravelling from the tips downwards. This kid sure as hell loves running or he’s at least seen a decent amount of miles, because his pair of sneakers are in a far worse condition than the rest of his clothes.

→ Just let me leave that here for people to admire.

Something that appeared kind of contradicting to me was that you say that his hair was handled with care (kinda, at least) but then you describe it as rather messy though? So for the future I would elaborate on why it leaves the impression of having been taken care of while there are obvious roots of dark hair, it’s probably all ruined from the bleach and sounding rather unevenly cut? I’m assuming it’s because he took care of dying it while his sneakers fall apart and he couldn’t care less. On the other hand I love, love, love the star/space metaphors you have been using here, and while I am not going to be found dead commenting on writing style, I would want to encourage to use more of these. As someone who has reviewed Billy before and who’s been plotting with him, I know space is a big thing for Billy, so using such metaphors is A++.

I think at this point you don’t need my advice of what to add to this section, but more on how to even it out a bit and to match it your narrative. I came to this because you described his knees and I was like can the fictional you see them? Is he wearing shorts? That’s just a small thing though, because I think you generally covered it quite well. I also really enjoyed how the veela-part of him shone through in those apparently beautiful moments, how the youth shows in his face and how despite being partial veela, he has flaws - like his teeth for example. Now, back to your narrative, I am not sure how to solve the issue of narrative versus information, something I always struggle with when it comes to freeforms which is why I gave up on them but I think that given we have a file here, you could work with pictures even - Billy has been caught before, are there any images of it? Of course you don’t have to take that advice, because I am just flinging ideas out here right now.

With that, I am moving towards your personality aka: my arch-enemy. Kudos on actually keeping the form of the profile despite it being a freeform, I always appreciate that because i get confused easily xD

QUOTE
This kid revels in the attention he gets for it though, is almost born with that smug little look on his face as soon as others start cheering around him. Once you ask him about the little incident he denies most of it however. He didn't help the other guy out; the others were fun to mess with; that’s all.

→ I’m using that quote to come back to my introduction of this review, because especially the last phrase would be easier to understand if we had more details on what has actually happened, you feel me here? It doesn’t really do anything to hindering me in seeing his personality, but something I stumbled upon, asking myself what exactly happened.

Coming back to the narrative I am sorry I think you solved it much better in your personality by giving us the in-between parts to separate what Billy seems to be like and what he actually is like.

QUOTE
It only really works with kids, however, as each and every memory that shows the real Billy is dripping with a horrendous sense of humor only children seem to love. It’s burping the alphabet, waggling chips between his upper lip and and nose and using sticks under his lip to imitate a walrus.

→ This is just so cute. I like how the fact that he is only fifteen after all still shines through in all of this; something you remarked on in your commentary.

Reading your history, I don’t have much to add here either because I feel like this is an incredibly thought-through background for a character with all those cute little details of little Billy. For the future, however, I want some more Hogwarts. It has been five years, give me more. Comb through your threads, pick up the important events and incooperate them. I know that is the less fun part of a history, but it will complete your profile.

I think you could throw in some part of the “situation” Billy is in right now in between the personality and history too, and eventually add some to the end as well to give it a more round appearance - was there no punishment for Billy after all? This is about the form of your profile, not your content. When proceeding, you will add to this, anyway, so it will grow automatically by threading - but when you keep the shape of your profile, you might want to give a bit more of the freeform. Almost like writing a post - describe the room, the atmosphere, the people - you tell a story here, give us a prologue and an epilogue <3

And we have already reached your posts, yay! I’m just going arc by arc because we don’t want to have this become a million words long or do we, who knows?

The Henry Arc
For the future you shall receive a piece of advice I often give as soon as we have actual plot arcs, aka: Novice stage. Give us a short description of the arc in general: content, what’s it about, goals. That way, it’s easier to actually put the threads in a certain frame as we don’t always know what’s going on in your head, right?

QUOTE
His heart found itself a new home in his throat, where it thudded uselessly against his flesh like a trapped bird in a cage.

→ Damn gurl.

Anyway I definitely see the Billy I just read so many words about reflected in these posts and paired up with your very pretty and descriptive writing. I always enjoyed this very off-beat, careless tone you are using for Billy, because it just seems so fitting for him and makes him sound different from all your other characters. There also always seems to be movement, and I like how you put these details in your posts without making it sound forced. There’s also just this vibe of suburban, American boy showing in things like I'm warning ya, this itches like a motherfucker that’s very unique to Billy, which is nice.

Now I am saying this in every review I write, we cannot exactly blame anyone who comes to us for a lack of replies when the other person was in charge of it, and I am not going to do that here either. I’m actually blaming no one, but I will also say that I would have loved to read more about this super awkward and therefore pretty authentic teenage romance that makes me think I want a John Green-esque novel about that. But I liked that you continued what had started at Novice, and how Henry and Billy proceeded together.

The Leeeeeeroy Jeeenkins arc
The descriptions of Hogwarts really made me laugh, oh my god please. I like how this is a really realistic view of how someone who’s presumed muggleborn, although is it really so weird for him given his (adoptive) mom was kind of witchy? A talking hat is your smallest issue, son. I am always a sucker for people adding pensieve threads and I like how this shows the very unusual way Kiana and Billy became friends.

I think these threads show the “inner” Billy and the one he tries to be so hard with a facade of being a cool kid very well, because he has to react to all these - very different - people at once, which seems like a challenge to me. And what’s a better way to break a child than to pierce his foot with an arrow? Right.

Now I know timelines are a bitch but I like how the mood slowly seems to derail from Billy in his natural state with his friends to sad, sad Billy baby, and I always enjoy a good portion of angst right there served to me. I’m going to say some general things about posts and arcs and stuff later on so for now we just move through this.

The Veela Arc
QUOTE
Nerves were the shaking of his hands, dropping the bottle of cheap wine and running out of the supermarket ashamed and let down, but heart still racing. It was looking Henri Woodbane in the face and not daring to make a move until the alcohol stopped the tremor and made the world silk smooth and soft. He did not, however, imagine he would be feeling it in a mucky and damp greenhouse with Kiana next to him of all people.

→ It’s always great to link to past events, especially to the ones I read about during this rank, so good stuff right here.

Looking back at the group threads I can see how his confidence quivers as soon as he is alone with someone, rather than being in a group of people - which works well with how you portrayed Billy in the profile before. With both Henry and Kiana, he seems to be more hesitant about himself rather than this loud boy who steals a fucking arrow.

I’m going to echo Kenz at this point because due to the stalling of the previous - which I am, once more, not blaming anyone for, as we’re an rp site and not on a race - thread, there is this gap of what has happened. Now profiles can always be used to fill plot gaps, but I also think you can easily fill them in the future by 1. showing within the next thread what has happened (be it by flashbacks or simply thoughts Billy has) or 2. adding to the thread description in your ranking app what has previously happened if it cannot be seen in the thread. No one expects an app full of finished threads, as even I don’t manage to do that - and we know I’m an excessive writer. Anyway, there’s always ways to build a bridge and fill gaps - as you did in your very first thread here by telling us what happened before. Issue solved, bam!

As I mentioned earlier, we see the happy Bora Bora Billy slowly derailing into someone much more sad and problematic, while this huge turning point is not actually played out. Now, I read about it in your profile, but for the future you can always consider adding a oneshot to complete the timeline you created with threads. It might seem like it doesn’t add much, but it’s another way of filling the gaps Kenz has been speaking of.

The dealing-with-adults arc
I think in these adult threads we see the pieces of development of Billy - not losing friends or falling in love, not even accepting that he’s half a being - but more that there are battles he cannot fight alone and that sometimes, being uncool is fine.

One last quote before I come to my general pieces of what I noticed and my advice, because I liked it:

QUOTE
People were never pretty when they cried. Perhaps not even veelas. Hollywood was the biggest fucking liar.


So what I already said before is that I like how you weave past events and the actual plot of the current thread together, and how you balance what’s going on in Billy’s mind with his body language and his surroundings. Billy’s voice is very strong and has always been strong, it only shows in the threads you offered. I almost would like to say that your more recent threads are even more descriptive and beautiful, which shows especially in the pensieve thread in my eyes as well as in the recent replies to older threads - though I am really a sucker for the angst.

As Kenz said, you are a great writer, and in all those posts I saw like one missing space and one non-capitalised word, and grammar is not an issue either. Your posts are very strong and so is your profile, while we can always have a debate about thread length. So I gave you advice in between already and I will continue it here: grab your main people for your arcs and continue them, show is more Chubs and more Billy versus adults and Billy with ickles - and all those things you already did, but more of them even. There’s a requirement of posts which you fulfilled, which is why I don’t use this as an argument even. But for Advanced, there will be only threads - and you will have to fill the gaps you have in one way or another. As I said before: flashbacks, oneshots, more detailed descriptions. We don’t always get the threads we want, but there is ways of working around it.

Billy is a wonderful, authentic character who has - within this rank alone - gone from a cheerful teenage boy who just got his first kiss to this sad baby I want to hug. For the future, I hope he can be happy and come to an understanding with himself - but where he goes and how he does it is up to you.

I’ve done so much rambling and I am very sorry about that, so here’s my verdict: given the amount of work that went into this profile and the variety paired with your detailed posts, as well as Billy’s development from his last rank to this one, I will APPROVE you for INTERMEDIATE. If you have any questions concerning @William Pierce’s review, feel free to come and find me.

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Exh · 16 · 6th · None yet · pureblood · 5"5
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Apr 9 2018, 05:49 AM   Link Quote
Hi there Sammeh, I’m Exh am I’ll be your third reviewer for today! As Kenz has already listed off the requirements for Intermediate, I’m going to jump right in and have a look at your profile. This has been a long enough process already, I’m sure you don’t want to listen to my rambling on for too much longer!

Profile

Right off the bat, I must say that i’m impressed! Freeform applications are becoming fewer and further between- so I was pleased to see something a little different from you with Billy. In my opinion, freeform applications add something extra to your ranking application- for, it shows me that you’ve put quite a bit of time and thought into his application. It’s exactly the kind of attention to detail that I like to see at intermediate!

After reading through your previous profile revision, it’s abundantly clear to me that your writing and grasp on William’s character has improved dramatically since 2014. The first paragraphs of each revision are almost like night and day, I think you’ve done a great job of creating intrigue and building tension in your intermediate revision. Specifically, i’m loving the addition of this line:

QUOTE

his body does not radiate hostility the way it usually does with kids that end up in places like this.


I like that you have been able to incorporate an ‘interview’ twist to your application without replying too heavily on a question and answer style method of delivering information. In my opinion an over-reliance on spoken character voice can be jarring to the read. It’s better to convey the majority of your characters important information in alternative manners. I think you’ve managed to find a happy medium here! So, Kudos on that!

In terms of content, most of it is fantastic, but I really would have liked to see you expand on William’s time at Hogwarts. While you’ve included a paragraph here or there at the end of his history section, I can’t help but feel as though there is still a huge chunk of his life missing from his profile. In my opinion, one or two paragraphs of text discussing his sorting is not enough to give us an idea of who he is when at school- or even what he does while at Hogwarts. Does he have friends, hobbies etc?

While i understand how important it is to flesh out a character's backstory, and go into detail about their family history, I don't feel as though this should be done at the expense of expanding on their later years. At beginner level, I am generally willing to overlook this fact- but by intermediate, I feel as though you have had more than enough time to think about what their life at Hogwarts has been like (beyond their first few years). For instance, there's barely any mention of the friendships you've shown us in William's character arcs. I think that even a paragraph or two talking about how he met some more of these people, the impact they've had on his life or a pivotal moment in their relationship could have done wonders for his history section. I understand that you've already likely spent hours and hours working on this revision... but, without mentioning much about the last few years of his life, it feels unfinished to me. I also don't think it leaves much room to show development. For, while we have a starting point for his character, we don't really see the middle or end point- at least not in his history section.

I also feel the need to reiterate some of the suggestions made to you by earlier reviewers on how to expand on his later life. Emilex and Jinx gave you some ideas on how to do this in their reviews- and Steph too seemed to think that this expansion was needed. While I understand how long it has been since your last revision, I do think you could have done a little more to incorporate these suggestions. As a past reviewer i'm sure you can appreciate just how much time and effort we put into our reviews! Generally, when we make recommendations it's because we are able to pick up on mistakes or gaps you as the writer might not be privy to. It’s good to get into the habit of reading through these reviews thoroughly, and taking on as much constructive criticism as humanly possible.

Lastly, i just wanted to draw attention to this line here:

QUOTE

You are all in the kitchen when his mother announces that she got a better job


The change in perspective here was jarring. For, it is the first time you've used second person perspective in his history section. In the context of the entire application, it obviously makes sense- but, as it has been so long since you last switched perspective, it took me a little off guard. Perhaps you could include another line or two written from the narrators point of view earlier on in the history section?

While we're on the topic of second person perspective, I just wanted to commend you for choosing to go down this path. Second person is honestly my absolute favourite when used correctly, and for the most part I think you've done a really good job of incorporating it into your profile!

The Henri Arc

Well isn't this arc just sweet as pie? I absolutely adored every minute of reading these posts- they really took me back to my own high school days. Billy felt very extremely authentic- like a living, breathing teenage boy. Perhaps it's the subject matter, or the relatable/familiar feelings and themes... but, all of your posts in this arc really stood out to me.

Unfortunately however, I also have to echo Tine and say that I would have liked a little more information about your plot arcs as a whole, because we aren't mind readers. Sometimes I found myself getting a lost. I wasn't entirely sure what this arc was meant to represent or where it was headed. In future, I think it would make it much easier on reviewers if you could elaborate a little more on this front!

I really enjoyed the dynamic between these two characters, and the history you have obviously built between them. It's clear to me that this is an extremely important plot line to you- and it shows in your writing. You really nailed the descriptive writing across these two threads. I also really loved how you were able to incorporate Billy's inner monologue into your first thread with Jinx! It flowed seamlessly, and was perhaps what made this entire situation feel so familiar and relatable!

Again however, like Tine, I would have liked a little more more substance in the second thread... but, i'm not necessarily going to berate you for that! I will caution you however, to choose your threads for plot arcs a little more wisely in the future. A plot arc infers a few different things, namely: character development and a plot. Right now, i see the beginning of a story, but no middle or end to one... and given that you have not given us any context behind the arc, it's difficult for me to envision where the plot is going. By extension, it's also difficult for me to gauge if Billy has actually developed as a character... because the first thread should be a point of comparison for later threads (of which you don't really have any). This is obviously not your fault... but it is something you should jeep in mind for the future. If a plot arc or particular thread is not working with your application- you don’t have to include it. You’re much better off taking a different direction with your arcs than submitting one that doesn’t actually display character development- because, as you can see, that’s one of the requirements for this ranks.

Before we move on, I just wanted to take a moment to congratulate you on your improved grammar- especially where semicolons are concerned. I know this is something that you have struggled with in the past (me too), and it's really great to see that you've been able to break this habit across these two threads.

The Leeeeeeroy Jeeenkins arc

Next up we have the Leeeeeeroy Jeeenkins arc! Again, I had a little trouble following this arc, as I wasn’t entirely sure which direction it was headed in. Aside from that though, I did really enjoy these threads. It was nice to see how Billy interacted in a group setting! There were also some really lovely quotes sprinkled throughout these threads. This one in particular really stood out to me:

QUOTE
He wanted to create at least some memory with the people he reckoned deserved it. Wasn't that what vacations were for?


While it mightn’t be your most flowery, descriptive writing… it just felt so authentically Billy! Character voice can be a difficult thing to perfect (as you well know)… but it’s something I think you have a real knack for! I really admire just how differently all your characters think, behave and act… and the way you are able to convey this through your writing. Each one of your characters is so easily distinguishable from the others- which is something that takes years of practice and hard work to perfect. I’ve actually commended you for this in a past review- but I felt the need to reiterate it, because it truly is something you should be proud of!

Circling back to my earlier comments about plot arcs, I feel the need to draw your attention to one of the requirements for intermediate:

QUOTE
Consider the way their relationships with others have affected them, and how their plot arcs will begin to shape them. You should now have an idea of the direction you want to take your character, and your plot arc should reflect this direction.


This, honestly, is what concerns me most about some of your arcs- they don’t feel cohesive enough to give Billy a direction. It’s not obvious to me how these events are impacting on Billy’s character or his development. I’m sure if I had more explanation about where these arcs were going, or what their underlying message was, it might be clearer. But, you haven’t given me a lot to work with here, and i’m not a mind reader. While I absolutely appreciate you summarising these threads for me, I don’t always see the ‘arc’ that ties them together. Simply having a handful of threads with a single character (or a few of the same characters) does not necessarily constitute an arc. What is the story being told here? How does it impact on Billy as a character?

The Veela Arc

Now, onto the veela arc! Of all of the arcs you've presented us, this one feels the most put together. It follows a clear storyline, and truly does demonstrate some amazing character development! I'm interested to see where this plot goes, interested to see how far you take it!

I'm also glad to see you making use of Billy's special request. I like how seamlessly you have been able to work it into his everyday life- and how this request has affected some of his existing relationships. In saying that, I'd really love to see you throw Billy into a situation where his veela blood starts garnering him attention from the opposite sex- mostly because i'm interested to know how he would react to such a thing :')

Grammar and spelling wise, i can't say I noticed any glaring issues here. It's clear to me that you have read and reread these threads several times over- because they're incredibly clean and well written. So, on that front, I give you kudos!


The dealing-with-adults arc

Unfortunately, I have the same issue with this arc as i did with the first two- but, rather than repeating myself again i'm going to move onto bigger and better things! It's good to see you throwing Billy into situations that fall outside of his comfort zone. I really enjoyed seeing how differently Billy behaves around authority figures that aren't his mother. I think it's extremely telling of a student!

I don't feel as though I have a lot of notes to add here, I feel like Kenz and Tine have given you some very solid advice! Your writing, as always, is certainly your strong point! It's beautiful and descriptive and #goals! There is no doubt in my mind that you are an incredibly talented writer... but, that alone isnt really enough to settle my nerves. At the end of the day, it all comes down to character development and the way you have set up your arcs. I'm just really unsure of what direction they are heading in!

Verdict

As you could probably tell from my flip flopping all over the park, i'm rather conflicted in my decision here. On the one hand, I think that your writing is absolutely breathtaking... and from a grammar/spelling/writing standpoint I think you more than qualify for intermediate. But, when you look at the requirements for this rank, i'm not entirely sure where you sit. It concerns me just how often I felt the need to reiterate advice given to you by previous reviewers, especially in regards to your profile. It's abundantly clear to me that you have spent a lot of time working on your revision- but some of the points brought up by your previous reviewers still seem to have been overlooked. Incorporating suggestions made by reviewers into your profile is yet another one of the requirements for intermediate... and i just don't feel like you’ve done that.

So much of the ranking process revolves around character development. While it seems like Billy has been through quite a bit this year, I'm still unsure of what direction he is heading in. I'm unsure how these experiences have impacted him. A character arc is more than just lumping together threads that feature a select group of characters- there needs to be a story there, or at very least a common theme or some character development. I don't feel as though your plot arcs really follow these rules.

For these reasons I am going to have to go ahead and suggest that you wait one month before reapplying with @William Pierce. This honestly kills me, because Billy is such an amazing character, and you are such an incredible writer- I just don't feel as though you have met the requirements for this rank quite yet. I think that you need to rethink your arcs with Billy and put a little more weight behind some of your earlier reviewers comments. Namely, including some more moments and memories from Billy’s time at Hogwarts.

Again, I really do think that you are a talented, incredible writer- I just think that paying a little more attention to the requirements of each rank could do you wonders! If you have any questions feel free to get in contact with me over pm or skype! Billy is an amazing character, and I know with a little more time and attention he’ll be ready for intermediate!

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the way that I don't fit in with any of this


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