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 *Alani Lua-Millers - Unranked
Alani Lua-Millers
 Posted: Jul 16 2017, 05:34 AM
Quote
"They call me Pineapple Princess all day"
Puzzles
Offline
She/Her
57 Posts
Rep: 1 pts
[ + | - ]
Group
Hufflepuff
Age
16
Height
5'0"
Status
Pureblood
Year
5th
House
Hufflepuff
clash
undecided
Awards: 4



Rank Applying For: Beginner
Link to character workshop topic: Hi this is a disaster
At least two of your recent role play topics: the little mermaid [except not really] - Alani meets Alston Byrne for the first time and accidently tricks him into thinking she's a mermaid, confuses Loki with low key. Oh yeah and she almost drowns. Don't worry. She still thinks the squid just wants to be friends...

when it rains, it pours - She meets with Alston the first time after the lake scene for dinner. But are his intentions really all that honorable? Alani seems to think so!

rainrain go away - Alani accidentally flirts with Brydon and he kisses her.

Commentary: SO! I have some wonderful drama planned for this wonderful ball of sunshine so I'm actually really excited for this.

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Martín Marzán
 Posted: Jul 16 2017, 05:49 AM
Quote
"By the grace of the fire and the flames 🔥"
Stells Bells
Online
She/Her
683 Posts
Rep: 25 pts
[ + | - ]
Group
GLOMP Squad
Age
16
Height
5'11
Status
Pureblood
Year
6th
House
Gryffindor
clash
Viridian Guild
Awards: 60





Application Accepted!

Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.

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Erik Dwight
 Posted: Jul 23 2017, 12:37 PM
Quote
"I'll be your breath if you can be mine."
Tine
Offline
She/Her
4031 Posts
Rep: 46 pts
[ + | - ]
Group
Ravenclaw Advanced
Age
16
Height
5'7
Status
Pureblood
Year
6th
House
Ravenclaw
clash
neutral
Awards: 67



Hey Puzzle, I know I already apologized for being so slow on you, so we can skip that part and go straight to the requirements so you are finally getting a review from me. Here we go!

QUOTE

what we’re looking for at beginner

  • At least 4 posts by your character over 2 threads. Your most recent post must be made within three months of the date of your application.
  • Have your character profile in the workshop with at least one revision of each section posted by you. (If you choose not to include an appearance section at sorting, you must include it when you post your workshop profile, and then provide a subsequent revision for this rank).
  • At the beginner rank, we are focused on building up your character. We will give you suggestions on how to expand your profiles and posts, particularly in regards to content, in order to gain as complete a picture of your character as possible. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.) and spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post. Additionally, we'd like to see that you have made an effort to expand all areas of the profile (i.e. not just personality or not just history).


You’ve been there a few times already so this looks all good of course. I’m going to have a closer look at your profile today and I won’t make any grand speeches and just move straight forwards <3

Appearance: At first glance I can definitely see you expanded on this, which is always good to see because we cannot have one paragraph sections. It still looks a little short so I will try and give you some expansion advice of course. I have to say that I think the beginning of your appearance for Alani is a little unfortunate, because you are comparing her to her mother. But we do not know Alani’s mother - and if you are entirely honest, we also do not care about her mother, because this is about Alani. So if you are going for the higher ranks, I would suggest you start differently, and you do not empathize these things too much. The part when you are saying whom she resembles more definitely works - but the comparison shouldn’t be guiding your appearance, because it strays too far away from the character you are talking about.

There are a few awkward sentences/typos in here which I will just point out quickly before going through the content:

QUOTE
What most draws attention is likely her downright refusal to wear shows.

→ The beginning of this sounds a little crooked, and I doubt you can wear shows ;3

QUOTE
Whether she’s hiking in the forest or jogging through castle corridors to try and make it to a class she’s already late for the badger is almost always barefoot.

→ I do not mind long sentences but this is one of the cases where the reader loses the point halfway through. Commas or slashes definitely help to fix phrases like that.
QUOTE
Another notable feature is the way the girl covers herself in jewelry.

→ I am not sure if you can call it a feature because it first made me think of something on her body.

Now, let’s get down to business and talk about content. You mentioned the basics of her looks, but it is all scratching on the surface. I love the details like her shell necklace and the way it looks all tarnished from wearing it all the time. For future edits, I want to see more details. The first things that came to my mind were stuff like her general body shape and height, as you already mentioned the way she moved. Think about details like her skin - is it dry and flaky or oily? Does she wear makeup? If so, which colours does she use? How is Alani wearing her hair? I know you are really great at describing textures and colours from reviewing Brandy twice, so don’t be afraid to bring these skills to Alani, too - don’t tell me simple colours, give me pretty descriptions. Talk about her hands, about flaws - because flaws make our characters more vivid. Does she have scars, tattoos? Does she have moles? Does she tan or burn? You offer a good base, but there is a lot you can expand on. Bonus: how does she talk? Does she have an accent? Does she use certain talking patterns? I know this is a lot of input but consider the next profile review is Intermediate, so you can’t offer too much information :3

I am sure reviewer #2 has to say some things as well, so I will move on to Alani’s personality now:

I really don’t want to ride on the grammar train for too long, but I have to say that I would like to see more proofreading in future ranks - both in profile and in threads. I wouldn’t mention it but you have a lot of very long sentences where pronouns no longer match the beginning of your sentence, and that’s sad because you are definitely saying good things. But they get lost when the sentences are too crooked. Let me give you two examples that jumped me straight at the beginning of this section.

QUOTE
When someone does realize that, not only is she one hundred percent serious, but is actually one of the most genuine people, most people have a reaction similar to that of sipping from their drink only to find that it is much too sweet.

→ When reading this sentence out loud, I am still confused where you wanted to take this - and therefore I suggest you to try the same and read long sentences out loud to see if you can still follow your own train of thoughts.

QUOTE
While generally not a stubborn child, the girl’s mother often found herself arguing until she was blue in the face as she tried to reason with the small girl as to why it was important that they killed roaches, instead of just putting them outside or why they couldn’t adopt every stray beast they came across at the local animal shelter.

→ This is another very long sentence which you could break up, but the part I underlined was the one that put me off. When written like this, you make it sound like the girl’s mother was not a stubborn child - and I doubt that this is what you wanted to day. I would pull the stubborn child part back, so it could be like this: Alani’s mother[/u] often found herself arguing until she was blue in the face as she tried to reason with the small girl as to why it was important that they killed roaches, instead of just putting them outside or why they couldn’t adopt every stray beast they came across at the local animal shelter - even though Alani generally wasn’t a stubborn child.

QUOTE
While not the sharpest tool in the shed, when Alani goes after something, she does so whole heartedly.

This does not necessarily stand in opposition to each other? I came back to this because of the paragraph that followed this one, and I think you can ditch the first part of the sentence, because you are coming back to Alani not being the brightest lightbulb on the lamp - so you do not need it here.

Generally, I think you did very well on Alani’s personality, and I think the way your organized your paragraphs makes sense. For future edits I would like to see more changes concerning typos and the structure of your sentences, because I think you can erase all those slips with more proofreading. You covered all the traits of Alani, and I like how she is actually flawed and you are pointing it out. Content-wise, you could tie in more of her relationships to others - be it family, friends, lovers or enemies, because you already did very well on involving current Hogwarts events such as the auction. For expansion, you can always add examples and dig deeper into the whys behind her traits, but you already did a good job on this. Now that personalities are not my forte, I am sure your second reviewer can give some more advice than I did. So let’s move on!

History: I really love how you started with the history of Alani’s parents, because these are most definitely my favourite kind of histories :3 Now, what do I have to say here. I have to admit that it started well and then it all seemed a little rushed? You mentioned Ilvermorny all of the sudden, while there was not even a hint she received a letter. I would like to see 1. more childhood memories 2. more details about her magic 3. more about her time at Hogwarts, although I understand she is a transfer and you couldn’t fill in that much yet. Pay attention that you do not stray too far from Alani’s life by talking too much about her mother - remember my first comment on your profile? We do not care that much about her mom, because this is about Alani.

Generally my biggest issue is that you need to proofread more - and often not in the way of having typos, because I make them a lot, too. There are many crooked sentences in each of your appearances, and that derails a lot of your hard work on painting a very nice image of Alani. I will just have a quick look at your posts and leave them to your second reviewer <3

You can guess that further ranking will require more variety than two different people, but I feel like the Alani in your profile matches the one in your posts very well, and I love how excited she always sounds. You offer a good post length as well and plenty to react to, so I will leave the rest for your second reviewer.

Without further ado, I am going to APPROVE you and @Alani Lua-Millers for BEGINNER, congrats and good luck with your second review <3 If you have any questions, feel free to poke me on skype!

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