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 Erik Dwight - Advanced, Oct. 17th
Erik Dwight
My heart's a graveyard baby, and to evil we make love
Banned
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Ravenclaw
Age 16
Year 6th
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Tine
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Joined9-April 14
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May 14 2014, 12:04 PM   Link Quote
My Workshop page

Rank Applying For: Beginner

At least two of your recent role play topics:

Thunder only happens when it's raining

It's the tree of life, Charlie Brown

(holla)

There are no second chances

If I only had a chance tonight to walk a million miles


Why you feel that you should move up:
Although I'm still quite new, I loved it from the day I came here. Now I spent already far too much time here (if there is something like "too much" when it comes to doing awesome things...) and it would be great to get ranked now. Things are finally working out, although I struggled with some problems in my first week. I love writing and I love being part of such a nice community.

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Abelia Abbington
Fantastic Beast
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Charlotte
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Joined6-March 14
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Jun 2 2014, 09:26 AM   Link Quote
Hi Tine! Charlotte here, I'll be your first reviewer :3 Just a quick re-cap, the Beginner requirements are:

QUOTE
• At least 2 recent topics with at least 2 posts by your character in each.

• Have your character profile in the workshop with at least one revision posted by you.

• What we are looking for: At the beginner rank, we are focusing heavily on your profile. As such, we are going to give you suggestions to improve all aspects of your profile and also a few suggestions to improve your posts. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.), good spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post.


You've got the basic requirements down so let's get right to the review!

Profile

The appearance part of your profile is really really short, and that's troubling at this stage because Beginner emphasises a lot on your profile. You have his basic appearance down, but you can definitely add more and expand on what's already there! For example, does he look like others in his family? Expand on the part about 'light skin of Northern European people' - is that because of genetics? How does he feel about (maybe) looking like everyone in his family? You write that he 'does not walk with much confidence, but with a passive-aggressive touch', and I kind of understand what you're getting at, but it's definitely not explained thoroughly. In general, this portion is very sparse, and you should definitely add a lot more to it. How do people react to him? How does he view himself?

Moving on the personality section, it's great to see that this section's a lot fuller than the previous one. There are several parts however, that feel disjointed, or not fully expanded upon. It feels like you started to explain why he behaves a certain way - and then you stopped and moved on all of a sudden, creating a lot of gaps. Why does he have so much anger? How has it damages his interpersonal relationships before and how does he know it'll happen again? What constitutes a good or bad day for him? The paragraphs don't really seem to flow properly too - you go from his love for nature, then jump straight to phobias without explaining the former until several paragraphs later. It feels like you wrote down a new trait when it occurred to you rather than organising similar traits together, and I would suggest grouping those aspects together, like the paragraphs about his sexuality and him liking encounters with people he finds physically attractive.

Lastly, there's the history section. There are a few minor spelling and grammar errors throughout, such as 'born by' or 'normal live', but they generally do not muddle up what you're trying to say, so that's fixable. Again, his history section reads a lot like the previous two - like you started explaining something, then moved on really quick. Like how you mentioned all the way at the end that his family is wealthy - did that affect his childhood? What was it like growing up pureblood and wealthy? And how did that translate to going to Hogwarts - how did he adjust to it? Speaking of which, I like that you included his relationship with his grandparents and parents, but you don't have much about his life in Hogwarts. Since he's a 6th year that's 6 years worth of character development and events missing, which is quite troubling. How does he do in school? His grades? Friends? How did he react to being in Ravenclaw? Were there any events in the past 6 years that really changed certain aspects of him? Made him grow?

Posts

Beginner doesn't really focus as much on posts, so this section will probably be pretty brief. Length-wise, I think you're good to go. Details-wise, they're there, but still a bit sparse.And there are the occasional minor grammar or spelling errors so look out for those. But since posts are not a big priority for Beginner, I think you're generally at the required level.

Verdict

In general, I like that your writing style is very direct. But it's also a drawback because of the lack of details in your profile, especially since the profile is a big portion of the Beginner rank. I feel like there's a lot of potential in Erik, but it's just not coming through very well yet. So in light of that, I'm going to deny you for Beginner, and recommend that you wait one month before reapplying again. There are still 2 more reviews to go, so I wish you the best of luck with those!

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Leo Hartman
i see a light in darkness
Slytherin Advanced
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SLYTHERIN
Age 15
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Maison
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Jun 4 2014, 02:02 PM   Link Quote
REVIEW TIME. MY NAME IS CLEARLY MAISON AND I AM CLEARLY THE SECOND REVIEWER. SINCE CHARLOTTE HAS ALREADY PUT THE REQUIREMENTS UP, I’M JUST GOING TO GO AHEAD AND START WRITING.

Firstly, I'm just going to say that Erik is great as a character, and I think his profile is off to a good start although there are so many places in this profile where you could’ve expanded everything. Starting at the top with his name - where’d he get that name from? Is it a family thing, does it mean anything, was it pikey’d off of someone else in his family? Where did his parents get it from? Does he like his name?

Rinse and repeat: he’s 16, okay, this doesn’t really need expansion, but it can be nice. When’s his birthday? What’s his star sign, what does that supposedly mean for him?

There’s not a lot you could do with bloodline though, but you could really take the section about his family in the last paragraph of his history and stick it there instead, because it would make more sense.

Anyway! Onto the main show!

Appearance:
How long exactly is his hair? Hair length descriptions like ‘long’ can be pretty subjective. For instance, I would describe Fletcher’s hair as long, but it’s not really - in fact, practically all of my female characters have longer hair then Fletcher does. And if Erik’s hair always looks messy...what does he do about that? If his hair is long, is it hard to care for? Why does he keep it long? Does he own a hairbrush, or? What does he do with it? Tie it up? Or plait it, or wear flower crowns, or what? Does Erik enjoy wearing hats or anything? Detail is your friend!

How does he feel about his height? Short people don’t like being short, I’ve noticed. As for his expressions...when are they used, in what situations does he smile? Is there a reason why he’s not chipper and smiley? Why does he walk carefully? Why isn’t Erik confident, and why does he have a defensive posture? You can detail more on that, like the signs that his posture is defensive. As for his tatt, why did he pick an octopus? Is there a reason, or does he just think that it looks nice?

Most of this could just be made a whole lot better by more expanding. In fact, if you’re having difficulty with thinking of things to put into a profile, it might be helpful to go and look at other people’s profiles, and see what they got in there. Also, before I forget: sometimes your paragraphs seem disjointed. Like you’ll be talking about one thing and then suddenly we’re on something different. That might be something that you need to work on.

Personality:
This is the same sort of deal as the appearance, although it’s quite a bit more detailed than the appearance section so good job! But like I said, not five sentences ago, you need to work on your paragraphing and organisation. Try to keep most of the relevant information in one paragraph, and start a new one when the subject is changed. But still, like I said for the appearance, expand and keep asking yourself why. So...why does Erik seem cold hearted at first? What constitutes as a ‘good day’ for him? What’s a bad day? How does he act on bad days? Does he anger easily, or does it take a lot to push him over the edge? What angers him? What does he do when he’s angry?

What happens when he’s prompted with a spider? Vault couches? Scream like a little girl? Burst into tears? And then here we have an example of the paragraphing problem I was talking about - We go from ‘spiders oh god no’ to ‘He’s better at writing than speaking’ which...isn’t that related. And then it turns into ‘he’s an insomniac’ which is still unrelated. Try and work on that!

And also try to remember to double space your paragraphs! It makes things easier to read.

I feel like I’m getting a bit repetitive, so I’m just going to wrap up the personality with the advice of ALWAYS ask yourself why. Literally drag out all the details you can. And before I forget: does he have an accent? Maybe also write about his voice, and the way he sits and moves outside of walking, too. Does he gesture a lot when he talks? Or?

History:
Woo, detail! But it can’t escape my commentary. ‘Born by’ would be better as ‘born to’ but otherwise it’s a very interesting history to read, though occasionally disjointed due to the paragraphing. But I still have questions: why did Greta and William immediately go WE GOTTA GET MARRIED when they found out she was pregnant? How did the neighbours know that the family was magical? I mean...I assume the statute of secrecy applies in Sweden too…?

NGL, it sounds to me a little bit like William was having an affair so…?? Also what about Erik getting a Durmstrang letter, since he was born in Sweden and not England? I mean...we do ignore the canon of being born in the UK being a must to get a Hogwarts letter (I am guilty of this too a little) but I think it would be likely that he’d get a Durmstrang letter.

Why did his father write ‘dirty details’ about Greta’s lifestyle? What...kind of relationship do Erik and William have if that was one of their activities?

And then here’s the paragraph about the grandparents and such, which would be better suited either in the beginning of the history, or in the bloodline part.

Posts:
Your posts are going well, I think, just remember to incorporate all the details? External, internal, things everywhere. That’s mostly all I have to say that Charlotte didn’t already say.

Verdict:
I’m going to deny you for beginner, sorry! But I don’t think your profile is quite there yet, so just keep working! I like your writing style, but there’s the lack of details in the profile, particularly in the appearance that’s holding you back from ranking up, I feel. Work on that, and on paragraphing better, and you’ll be at Beginner in no time. Good luck!

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expect frequent bad language
SLYTHERCLAW
{ wear }

MAISON IS MADE OF MAGIC AND GLITTER. xoxo
Stellan Pilkvist
Just let me hold you while you're falling apart...
Ravenclaw Novice
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Ravenclaw
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Emilex
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Jun 8 2014, 07:56 PM   Link Quote
HELLO TINE! Emilex here with your final review! Since you've got two already what do you say I just get to it? Mmmkay? Cool, let's do it!


So, your Profile.

Now, your appearance section is very short. Not that that's news to you at this point. It isn't a bad thing to have a shorter appearance--the point is to let everyone know what Erik looks like--but there's so much you could include in there, you know? What you have is an excellent start. Something I actually find really interesting is that you touch very lightly on the basics, but you include a ton of things that some people don't necessarily mention much in early revisions. You describe his style of clothing, his expression, and even the way he walks (which is my favorite paragraph in this section, by the way. I think it's got the most emotion, and I like that. It shows how who Erik is affects how he behaves. Do more of that, for sure!) It could do with a lot of expanding though. Charlotte and Maison both went over that, so I won't go into it too much. Definitely take their advice into account next time you do some profile work, and you'll be in good shape!

That brings us to personality! There isn't much more I can say here that Charlotte and Maison haven't already said. You've definitely got more information here, but a lot of it is really oddly grouped. Like Maison said, try to keep related things in paragraphs together, and when the subject changes so does the paragraph. You could even take it a step further and keep similar paragraphs together to maybe help it flow better. A paragraph about his favorite places might lead into another paragraph about his favorite things, or maybe into one that relates in some other way. That's the biggest thing I have to say about this. Remember to always expand! Dig into what you write and figure out why it is that way. What makes Erik tick? You've got the surface stuff, now dive in and see where it takes you!

And we wrap up our adventure through the profile with the history. Same song here, too. You've got a good start, but you really need to work on how you order things. You start off with a brief recounting of Erik's first few years, and then you backtrack and talk about how his parents met. Then you've got the last paragraph where you talk about his grandparents that feels like it should have come somewhere earlier in the story. Another thing I'm not sure of is why his father took more of an interest in him after he left his mother. That seemed a little weird to me, but maybe it's just me. And one last time, dig into the stuff behind the surface. Figure out why things happened the way they did, and run with it!


Now let's take a look at your Posts.

I'd say they're certainly beginner level, so that's good! They're pretty consistent in length it looks like, and you give people enough to reply to, which is good. You also seem to be touching a little on the external influences, which is also nice. Keep doing that. Do it more, even. Explore the senses when you write. What does a room smell like? How does something feel? Stuff like that. Umm... yes! I think your posts are coming along. Don't be afraid of detail and stuff. Maison and Charlotte make great points.


Without further ado, here's my decision. You're close to beginner rank, but I don't think you're quite there. I'm going to deny you for beginner this time. I recommend you wait one month, and try again when you think you're ready, though! You're on the right track, you just need to travel it a little further. Comb through your profile and see if you can't reorganize it a little. Try and expand on Erik everywhere you can. You'll make beginner in no time I'm sure if you take the advice you got in this thread, so keep your head up!

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Set thanks to LIZZY! <3
Erik Dwight
My heart's a graveyard baby, and to evil we make love
Banned
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Ravenclaw
Age 16
Year 6th
Clash neutral
StatusPureblood
Height 5'7
Tine
PronounsShe/Her
Joined9-April 14
ReputationRep: 54 pts
Awards: 89

Jul 29 2014, 12:39 PM   Link Quote
Link to character workshop topic: my profile

Rank Applying For: Beginner

At least two of your recent role play topics:
Curiousity killed the 1st year
-> Erik, Elsa and an acromantula

Re:Stacks
-> Insomniac wanderings led Erik into a horrible adventure with Jessa.

Still waters run deep
-> Cassie teaches Erik sign language

I like us better when we're wasted
-> The Midsummer party, still open for everyone

Why you feel that you should move up: Well first of all, this time I actually tried really hard to find out as many details as possibleabout Erik, and all the plots I gained in the last weeks really helped. I tried to put everything in order and am somehow a lot more motivated to get ranked because of all the things I have in mind for him. The first time it might have been to early and that profile was really, really short. I really hope that this time it was worth the time I spent and I would love to reach Beginner rank :3

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Leona Santos
i love you • without knowing how, or when, or from where <3
Hufflepuff Advanced
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Cat
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Jul 30 2014, 12:25 AM   Link Quote
Hello Tine! I'm Cat and I'm here to be your first reviewer. Let's take a quick look at the requirements to make sure everything is accounted for:

QUOTE (Beginner)

• At least 2 recent topics with at least 2 posts by your character in each.

• Have your character profile in the workshop with at least one revision posted by you.

• What we are looking for: At the beginner rank, we are focusing heavily on your profile. As such, we are going to give you suggestions to improve all aspects of your profile and also a few suggestions to improve your posts. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.), good spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post.


Everything seems to be in order, so lets get right on with the review.

Right off the bat I can tell that you've taken much of the advice reviewers gave you last time, which is always fantastic to see. One thing I will try to encourage, however, is to continue trying to vary how you begin your sentences. Particularly in the appearance section, this is important, since it's very easy to become repetitive here. You don't do it too often though, so you're already off to a good start. My suggestion would be to, when you're free and in the mood, go through this section slowly and pay attention to places where you've started a sentence the same way you've done so earlier. When you catch a place that is the same as another, gauge in your head if the instances were too close. If they are, chances are that if read out loud, it'll sound a bit funny – that's where you can do with some switching up.

I'd also encourage you to go back and expand a little more on certain details, just for the sake of giving readers a tiny bit of a better idea on how specific aspects of Erik look. For example, you wrote that Erik has regular lips and a nose that's never been broken -- what makes his lips "regular"? And how exactly is his nose shaped? Are his lips long or short, slim or plump, or somewhere in between? Back to his nose; is the bridge of his nose long, are his nostrils a little big, is the tip of it bent a certain way? You don't have to spend hours describing either of course. X3 Just a bit more detail would be lovely!

Other than doing stuff like that, I'd say you have a pretty solid appearance section for this stage. I'd love to see some expansion on areas like how he moves and how his body language might change from situation to situation. For example, how does it change, if at all, when around a professor or someone of authority? Tying in how he looks and reacts to different emotions can also find a good place in this section, I think. SO; how can one tell by looking at him that he is angry, upset, nervous or anxious? Etcetera, etcetera.

For the personality, I just wanted to address something I caught at the beginning. This sentence here:

Even his negative experiences with muggle children who found him strange and therefore worth bullying, didn't change his views.

There's nothing wrong with it at all, it just seems to be a little bit misplaced when I read it. I always have troubles personally with figuring out the best order of ideas. It's not something always intuitive, so I hope you won't think it's a big thing! The best way I've found to fix this is just to reread things over to check for this, along with all the usual things like grammar and spelling and such. Um. But, to explain further why, to me, it seemed a little outplace: in the sentences before that one, you describe how he was raised and how he doesn't care much for judging people on their blood status. You then go on to mention how his family would appreciate it if he represented them a bit more than he does. This train of thought flows nicely from your previous ideas, but don't exactly flow as well into the sentence I quoted above, mainly because we moved on from his views and into what his family expects, or wants, from him.

In my eyes, a more fitting place for that idea would be before we get into what his family expects. Perhaps when you wrote about how he doesn't care about blood status? Just a suggestion! Feel free to do whatever you may with this advice, though.

Somewhere in the middle of this section, you talk a bit about his love life (or rather, the nonexistence of it) and how he handles those sort of intimate encounters. You mention that love hits him hard in year six when he finally falls for someone, but don't go very deep into that. I don't know if this a plot point later on or not, but my suggestion would be to revisit that a bit and shed a little more light on it. As is, it... seems to create something of a break in the paragraph, and it leaves a bit of a desire to learn more about it here, but there's nothing yet to satisfy that desire? If that makes sense. One last thing I'd like to mention here – because everything else is informative and great for this stage – is to try and bring out a bit more of the Ravenclaw in him. In reading through this section, I got a great sense of who he is as a person. Like, yes. You have definitely put in the work to make his character shine through here, which I can only give all the praise for. But I didn't personally get much of a Ravenclaw-y feel to him, though there were parts where I felt inclined to see him as one? Hm. In future revisions, I would highly recommend your focus to shift a little into what he IS talented, or great at, and how that helps or hurts his views of himself and his personality. Like, is he exceptionally talented at something he's maybe embarrassed of? That'd be interesting stuff to know!

History-wise... I just want to say that I love the tone here in the beginning. It felt very storybook-y, which I adore plenty. In the later parts this style seems to lose itself a little, although I'm having difficulty explaining how... Hm. At this stage, however, I'd say that you are in a great position. Definitely look into revising and editing some of what you already have to catch places where the tenses of words don't quite match up – they should be in third person, past – and to pick up on any misspellings.

I would love to see more on his life at Hogwarts, as well. And of the period in his youth where he was bullied – any notable examples that shaped him in anyway would be a joy to see in this section! But, going back to his time at Hogwarts: how did he meet the people he is friends with, how did his first intimidate encounter go, has he ever gotten in trouble with a professor for anything, and how do his parents feel about his education slipping as he grew older? Are they disappointed, does either try to encourage him to do better? Being in year six, Erik should certainly have a good bit of notable encounters of all kinds that have affected him in one way or another – do your best to find these! :'D They'd be fantastic to read about!

Posts: Right. So, as you might know from last time, we don't tend to look too heavily here at this stage. At Intermediate and beyond we will look closer at your writing style and tone and voice and at your grammar and such, but here and Novice is where we take the time to note any concerning things. Which... I don't really see much of! Your grammar seems spot on to me, so that's wonderful. I don't notice anything worrying on spelling front either, so that, too, is great. The main thing we like to stress here is to try and practice the external stimuli a little more in your posts. What this means is focusing a little more on what's happening around Erik, and how it affects him. Example: how does the weather affect his attitude? How does the noise around him make him feel, if anything – both on the subconscious and conscious level? Consider things like that when you go to write a post; they help to set the atmosphere for readers, and can offer great things for your RP partners to respond to as well. ^-^ All in all, though, you are doing wonderfully here, so keep up the great work!

Verdict: Phew. Hopefully I didn't get too rambly. If there is anything I was unclear of, or anything you'd like to further discuss, feel free to message me – I am here to help! That said, I am happy to approve you for BEGINNER. Best of luck in your future reviews and applications. <3

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HUFFLEPUFF
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Jessa Diluke
I could drink a case of you, and I'd still be on my feet
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Jul 30 2014, 06:12 PM   Link Quote
Hi Tine! I'll be your second reviewer this evening! (and you're my first, oh no) SO I'm going to go down the list as I read,okay? Swell.

While reading your profile I asked myself "why", in quite a few places, so I guess I shall start off with your appearance.First of all, I've read your previous revisions and I think you've done splendidly to get to this point! You take everyone's critique with careful consideration and you truly look into your profile to see where you can expand! With that being said I might be nit picking a little bit, but it's all to help! A lot of what I'm going to say will be reiterating Cat xD

" His face doesn't exactly have prominent features, but all in all it's quite soft and not as clear-cut as the one of a grown man."

I'm not too sure "all in all" is a good phrase to use when trying to convey a mental image. Instead, I would write something to the effect of "His face doesn't exactly have prominent features; instead his rounded cheeks neighbor thin lips." What I mean is, instead of just trying to sum up his features, which ones are soft? Are his cheeks really rounded? Does his nose slope forward, or point up? Are his lips thin or protruding? Like Cat suggested, these details give your reader a better mental image of your character, and the more practice you have expanding details like that, the easier it will be to just include these without a second thought! I would be interested in seeing how his body is under stressful, or embarrassing moments. Does his face redden? Do his cheeks become puffy with suppressed frustration? Does his pace quicken when upset? Little details like that can really make a reader interested in Erik! I have to say I enjoy the parts you wrote about his sitting habits. I probably wouldn't have thought about that. Other than that, there's nothing too wishy washy here, mostly questions to ask yourself! xD So now I will move on.

Personality
As I'm reading along, I'm noticing some sentences that could have better flow. For example," He is used to a higher living standard, but got taught that being blessed with these things doesn't mean that it's okay to look down at other people."

I would change to

"He is used to a higher living standard, but was taught that being privileged didn't mean it's okay to look down at others."

With longer sentences, I like reading them aloud and figuring out how I can construct them differently. That means either substituting words with others, or taking certain phrases out completely, just to figure out if there's another way it can sound smoother! What doesn't sit well with me though, is if his parents are pureblood and PROUD, it's because they believe their blood is valued over others. Wouldn't that mean that they ARE looking down at others? Perhaps you could explain that a little better?

I also wonder if being a prefect affected his personality any further? For example, he's a prefect that strolls about the castle I'm sure after curfew.Does he take his job seriously, then? Does he take charge when he needs to? Is he someone dependable, and does he WANT the younger students to depend on him? Did he take the position to impress his parents, or because he was proud of himself? Of course that's just what I'm curious about. Try and see if you can answer those questions yourself over the next few weeks. Maybe you'll discover something about Erik you didn't know yet!

I love where you talk about his love life. To a teenager, his entire character forms from the types of relationships he has with others! I think it's important to include that, and you did a lovely job at it! Overall I really enjoy the variety of information you gave in his personality!

History
I love that when I was reading this part, I felt like this came natural to you! Your tone made the reader feel like you were aware of where you characters came from, and the storybook feel, like Cat, I love. I will also comment on how the tenses didn't always match up, so just try and catch those while you're proofreading, or even, ask someone if they would mind proofreading after you1 Another set of eyes can never hurt! (although I know in part that's why we are here) The only thing I really would like to comment on is that while reading your history section I noticed you wrote about what happened to the family, nearly as a whole. However I wish I knew how all of this affected Erik on a personal level, if it did at all! You wrote his father doesn't like Erik, and Erik doesnt like him for that reason, but perhaps you could write more about how he interacts with his parents during the divorce, and after! You wrote how his mother noticed Erik changed, but what made her realize that? How did his behavior change?

Posts
While there are few things I can say about your posts because we're heavily focused on your profile, I would love to see more expansion! Your posts leave me hungry for more! Just like with your profile, it seems like you know who Erik is. You probably know how his mind works, his body language, how his voice cracks when he's nervous, or if it gets lower instead. However, the reader doesn't know everything about Erik and we want to, because I think your posts are insightful and beautiful, but could be tweaked so there's more information in them!

Alright, now that I'm done sweating over this i'm so nervous I happily approve you to BEGINNER! Most of my concerns and questions are for you to challenge yourself! Ask yourself questions about Erik that will better yourself as a writer, and don't be afraid to come off as rambling. Go into detail about his frustrating day, and the way his body hurts from hunching forward from stress. I think you've written beautiful things in the past, and I would love to see more of it! Of course, if you want to talk to me about anything, you know where to find me! I hope this was helpful!

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who you are is falling over me ❥




Everything In Its Place|click|

fletcher says jessa is lovely
James Monroe
Defibrillator Fetcher (of awesomesauce)
Gryffindor Intermediate
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Gryffindor
Age 18
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Jul 31 2014, 10:21 AM   Link Quote
Hullo Tine! I'll be your third reviewer. Cat and Jen have already said quite a bit, so I'm just here to wrap things up, basically. Let's go!

Profile

The thing I mostly find myself asking as I read is why. said this and then realized that's how Jen started, oops, sorry I like the details you've included, and I really like the amount of information you've got here! But as I read, I just wonder more about things like why Erik doesn't cut his hair, especially now that he's at an age when he could get it cut on his own now, rather than relying on his family to have it done. Is it just because he likes it that way? Is he lazy about its maintenance? Is he afraid of what it might look short? Like, I know that if I cut my own real short, it becomes a frizzy curly mess real quick, so I'd understand that concern. One thing I also wondered was about when he wears the flower crowns. Just, the fact that he makes a point of only wearing them when it's "appropriate for a guy" seems a bit weird to me, just because... he chooses to keep his hair very long, which is typically a very feminine thing to do? I just wonder why he cares in one instance but not another.

With personality, I have to echo Jen about expanding a bit on the blood purity thing. It's not really clear to me where his views come from, because what you say about his family is contradictory here. You say they don't look down on people for their blood status, but then everything else you say in that bit makes it seem like they do and don't quite understand why Erik doesn't. Actually, I don't quite understand why he doesn't, either, because the only experience you mention him having with muggles is a pretty terrible one. Like with the appearance section, I'd like to see more of the why's. I feel like they help so much with expansion and just generally make characters more interesting?

I don't have much to say about the history! I do really like how you've written it, though! I do feel need to point out the bit about Erik's aunt and uncle who married muggles and their family's reaction to it, just because it contradicts what you said in the personality section. People who don't look down on others for their blood status don't seem like the sort who'd disown their children for marrying muggles? I don't know. I'd just look into clarifying that sort of thing.

Posts

Again, not much to say here, because I think you're pretty much good to go at this stage. I'd really just say to keep expanding on what you write for him, include more details, and vary the situations you throw Erik into!

Verdict

This is painfully short, but honestly, I think you're at a good place for Beginner right now. There are still things you definitely should work on, but that's what future revisions are for, so I APPROVE you for Beginner! Congratulations!

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Jinx is perfection.

user posted imageuser posted imageuser posted image
5/6/15
Erik Dwight
My heart's a graveyard baby, and to evil we make love
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Ravenclaw
Age 16
Year 6th
Clash neutral
StatusPureblood
Height 5'7
Tine
PronounsShe/Her
Joined9-April 14
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Oct 7 2015, 12:24 PM   Link Quote
Link to character workshop topic: (click to bathe in my tears)
Rank Applying For: Novice
At least three of your recent role play topics:

Nights in white satin // Logan Donarti
-> After Erik started dating, the two decide to go for a weekend trip to London. Unfortunately, they both suck at reading maps and are obviously anywhere but not where they want to be.

The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead // Shiral Verdantclaw
-> Erik has to break down his engagement to Logan to his family. Just as he tries to write letters, he meets his close friend Shiral in the common room, for she had sleeping troubles. She is one of the first to hear about the engagement, and after offering comfort, he suggests building a pillow fort so they can have a sleepover.

Gotta stay high to keep you off my {mind} // Malia Roman
-> Erik's alcohol problem is getting worse and worse, and as he retreats to the Abandoned tower to drink, he meets Malia, and they start cracking each other's shells open while sharing the booze.

Damaged beyond repair // Petra Connor
-> Petra took all the boys' booze and Erik find her pouring the last remaining alcohol down the drain. He breaks down and finally talks about what bothers him.

Sing me to sleep // Miles Beckett
-> After Petra took his alcohol, Erik talked Miles into letting him come over for booze and cuddles.

Even the straight boys can't resist // Mark Maxim
-> Mark uses the fact it's a rainy afternoon to tease Erik a little. And even though the Swede is now engaged, he still likes to flirt with his friends and likes the distraction it offers.

We stick together through and through // Charlie Cooper
-> Even though a lot of things changed in the past few weeks, some stay the same: Erik and Charlie prepare a prank for Professor Wells.

Special request: Lycanthrophy
Justification:
Where will this ability apply? In clash only
When did your character become infected? And by who? After indulging into drinking again, Erik unfortunately made a few wrong decisions that led to him being dragged along by a pretty guy that turned out to be not as pretty and nice at full moon, if you know what I mean… Yet the suspicion of Erik being another victim after the Larssons and Tori Isley lingers in the room.
Are there any known relatives with this ability? Who? None.
Is there anyone guiding your character through this change (if recent), or has there been anyone guiding them? No.
How will this ability benefit your character? Or how do you plan to use this ability for development? Erik easily develops issues from bigger changes in his life. Without even noticing, he likes to have a certain safety around him and how much of a bigger change could he go throw than changing his skin? Also he is from a pureblood family, and especially his father’s side, well-known elitists will see even more of a disgrace in him than they already do once they find out about it. Maybe it’s the last push he needs to break ties with the Dwight side, while being forced to deal with turning into a wolf will give him a whole new range of feelings and problems to go throw. In clash I want to see how much it changed him over the years and how it will affect his career once they find out about it. After all, Erik managed to build up a decent life for himself and as spawn of ancient pureblood clans, he doesn’t know much about being part of a minority that is still feared and frowned upon.
Anything Else? Erik already shares big parts of his history with Severin Larsson, the boy who’s family has been murdered by werewolves. Him being turned into a werewolf would not only affect his own life, but also Severin’s, for one of his main goals is seeking revenge for his dead family. Yet seeing his best friend being infected, he might rethink his general hate for werewolves - or break with one of his closest friends. I like to think that Erik being a werewolf would also be one of the reason why he chose the department of regulation and control of magical creatures for his ministry career. In this position, he could either work for Erik’s benefit (thinking about job position and such) or bring ruin over him. In my opinion it would give a great turn to their relationship and also benefit their character development.

Why you feel that you should move up: I put Erik through a lot of different stuff in the past year and I feel like I have finally found out how he really is and where I am going with him. It feels like I watched him grow and develop too and becoming a little more mature with time. He is engaged to Logan, which developed from a fake engagement to a real one, and he struggles more and more with his alcoholism, which are the two things I like to develop more and am using as arcs for this ranking. Also after getting eight characters after Erik, I still love him the most and feel like he deserves ranking.

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Ozymandias Park
"some killer queen you are"
Hufflepuff Novice
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HUFFLEPUFF
Age 16
Year 6
Clash
Statusmuggleborn
Height 5'10
mayo horse
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Joined23-February 15
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Nov 8 2015, 02:24 PM   Link Quote
Hello hello, sorry for the wait. Obviously, you know me, but I'll be your first reviewer for today, so firstly, requirements:

QUOTE
• At least 3 of your recent topics with at least 3 posts by your character in each.

• Have your character profile in the workshop with another revision, by you, with the special request incorporated into the profile (if applicable), based on what beginner reviews suggested as well as other workshops reviews (if any).

• A variation in who you're posting with - we don't want to see that all three threads are with the same person.

• The beginnings of a long-term plot arc.

• A special request (if you'd like one) and your justification for the request.

• What we are looking for: By now we should start seeing a consistency in your character as you play them as well as your own, unique writing style forming. It won't be perfect yet, but you will be on the right track. Your grammar, spelling, and sentence structure should have improved from your beginner application. Your profile should feel more cohesive and should reflect the beginnings of your character coming together.

Your character should also be realistic--who they are and how they've become this way should make sense in context. Also like Beginner, we're looking for expansion in all areas of the profile.


Everything seems to be in order, so let's go!

Appearance:
SO this isn't the first time I'm reading Erik's profile, though it's been about a month since then, and a while since I last formally reviewed it. But the amount of improvement in your profile since I last wrote you a review is really awesome! I enjoy the way you've started it with setting a scene and showing Erik basically in his natural environment. It's a good first-glimpse into not only his appearance but also his personality in a little snapshot before you go into detail.

My main comment, for the first paragraph in particular, would be that you don't vary your sentences very much, which makes it read a little stilted. By varying your punctuation a little, for example using dashes and semi-colons, or throwing in more conjunctions to connect your sentences, you could pull together something that flows really nicely. The content in the first paragraph is pretty sound - it's just tweaking it so that it sounds fluid. I especially like this sentence:
    It might just be a bit of nostalgia, the feeling of small twigs and vines tangling with his hair when the crown slides down a little while moving, a soft memory of Sighild Larsson placing flower crowns on his head whenever he had been patient enough to sit with her.
This is really the kind of fluidity I would encourage you to aim for for, and I also particularly like how you've described it as well. The second paragraph sort of veers a little into sounding like you're listing things also, so take this advice, and try to shape your sentences so there's variety. Your sentences get longer in the third paragraph, though but again, there's not a lot of variety. However your descriptions are all great, and your word choices are a+. (Although, 'stubbles' should be 'stubble')

One suggestion I would give would be to read things aloud. This will not only allow you to catch mistakes, but you'll also get a better sense of how your writing sounds. Also proofreading! I noticed a few typos here and there, so examining your writing by reading it aloud would be of benefit to you here. After this point, your writing becomes more natural sounding! This is the kind of fluidity in your writing that I'm talking about, so strive to make it read as well at the beginning of the section as it does later on.

Where you speak about his tattoos, you've used the word 'intuitively' to describe how he gets tattoos, but I think a better word might be 'impulsively.' Also there's a comment about paranoia and spider's web that you might have to detail a little bit for anyone unfamiliar with Erik's arachnophobia. But speaking of that, you could incorporate more emotions in, like how Erik acts when he's panicking or angry. I personally think that this appearance is quite complete, but there are a few things you could do just to wrap it up nicely, which I think is more talking about how he deviates from his normal self sometimes.

Personality:
I don't think I really have much to say about the personality besides watching your paragraph spacing. Honestly, it's a really good personality section that paints a good picture of Erik, both good and bad, and I think my suggestions would really just be to dig into the whys of Erik. This is probably the shortest personality review ever given, but I think you're in a good place with the personality, so I'm not too worried about my lack of suggestions - but also if I have nothing to say, then you're definitely doing something right cx

History:
I like the way you started it. The Swedish is a nice touch. I love the history, and how Erik is as a small child. The description you give of the cottage is lovely. Honestly, I think this history is actually one of my favourites that I've ever read. You write everything so well, in just the right kind of way, and you cover all the important events in Erik's life. It's consistently written, it flows well, and ahhh. I kinda just wanna pet Erik a lot.

Posts:
THE AMOUNT OF IMPROVEMENT since I last reviewed you is excellent. Even the amount you've improved since you last ranked is definitely there. Erik reads consistently across threads, and I particularly love the thread with Shiral. I like that you have an arc here, exploring a range of Erik's emotions. You give a good post length, which is bueno, and I think my main advice here is going to be to incorporate more of Erik's environment into the post. We have a good idea of what's going on in his head, but how about outside? Maybe there's something on the desk he fiddles with, or he notices a pretty boy across the hall :P Try to work in small things like that so we have a good balance of internal and external things. (Alsooooo, threads with professors - especially since his grades and worrying behaviour)

Request:
I like the idea you have going on here. I think it provides a lot of potential to draw in other elements of Erik's life, and especially at an age where he might have changed from how he is at Hogwarts. Also considering the war, I'm particularly interested to see how all of this will slot together. So I APPROVE your request.

Verdict:
I think you've come a long way since the first time you applied for ranking, and I'm so glad to see the improvement in your writing. Erik is lovely, and I'm excited to see where else you're going to take him in the future. So I'll stop talking now and APPROVE you for Novice. Congratulations & good luck with your next two reviews!

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♔ king of kings
Misik Sa
"you're such a rollercoaster"
Hufflepuff
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Mimi
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Nov 23 2015, 08:36 PM   Link Quote
HELLO TINE! I, as you know, am Mimi, and I shall be your second reviewer today. Mayo's put up the requirements for Novice, so leeeeet's get right into it!

Starting, as always, with your appearance! You really don't waste any time with your profile--you jump right in what we need to know and what we want to know, but that doesn't mean you're skimming past any of the details, either! You answer a lot of the more questions I had while reading your profile as I read it, which is totally awesome! One of the things I'd like for you to work on moving forwards from this point, though, is to consider your word choice carefully. I can definitely see you playing around with metaphor and literary devices and I absolutely love it, but definitely keep pushing yourself and trying new things. This sentence in particular:

QUOTE
His mouth is neither large nor small, all in between with rose-coloured lips that tend to pucker or pout, hiding two rows of even teeth that never had to be treated with braces.


Gave me a little pause, since you start out well, and you have a sort of line of thought going, with the rose lips, and then the puckering/pouting. When we get to your description of Erik's teeth, it sort of breaks away from the softer, more natural imagery into something harder and more out of place. This sort of goes a little into the tone of what you're writing, what you want the reader to feel and the mood you're trying to give off in regards to Erik. Play around with some other comparisons or metaphors in places like this, maybe, or even leave them out. For example:

QUOTE
His mouth is neither large nor small, all in between with rose-coloured lips that tend to pucker or pout, hiding two rows of perfectly even, white teeth.


That gets across the picture just as well, but also prevents the sentence from becoming too harsh. Sometimes, less is more. But don't feel like you have to make everything less is more! You do have some very lovely descriptions--the line before that one we discussed above,

QUOTE
He has a sculpted and unlined face with rather high cheekbones and a rounded jaw line, the soft features of childhood not quite gone yet.


For example, reads very nicely and there's a kind of wistfulness to it. Play around with how you want Erik's appearance to come off, and then try to think of imagery or a tone to evoke that feeling. Examine how your sentences work together--what do you think of when you reread this? Does it feel smooth? Does it accurately convey what you want to show?

Content-wise, I'd like to see you try and pull this section together with a cohesive sort of dea of Erik. You do it a little at the opening of this section, in which you give us an outsider's perspective, but even then, you focus on the details and parts that make him up, which, while great, doesn't pull him together as a person. Think of it as...uh...to draw on my terrible academic vocabulary, the thesis of Erik. You've given us all the compelling arguments, the details and evidence to prove your point--but what is the main idea? What does it all look like when it comes together? Think about it, play around with it!

Whoo, now let's move on to your personality!

Your transition from your appearance to the personality is excellent; you draw in elements you were just talking about previously and work them into who Erik is on the inside. In fact, you do a good job of mixing your history into this section as well, and focusing on the changes Erik's undergone over time, which is great. Honesty, I think your personality section is your strongest section right now. It's detailed, digs into the depths of Erik. Honestly, my main advice to you here is to not grow complacent with it in exchange for overhauling the other sections of your profile. Now that you've gotten everything written down, don't be afraid to change things. Rearrange paragraphs, combine sentences, determine what is most important and needs to be expanded on, and what can be shortened a little in exchange. Like Mayo, I don't really have a lot to say here. Again, I definitely think this is your strongest section.

Lastly, your history!

I absolutely love that you go into not only the history of Erik's parents together, but family history as well, since that's one of my particular favorite aspects about a character's history to explore. I also have to point out the foreshadowing you put in, about his parents disagreeing about the pronunciation of Erik's middle name, since it's such a small detail, but works so well. I think this section could do with more form Erik's thoughts and point of view, however--you describe quite well what's happening, and why, on his parent's end, they feel the way they do and the things they do, but I'd like to get more into Erik's head here and have you sort of dig into his awareness of his circumstances--not only of his parents' increasing arguments, as he grew up, which you've done well, but everything else, as well. I think you've been a little too omnipresent in this section--don't be afraid to leave us in a little mystery as well, here.

One of the other things I've noticed is that you didn't start this section in the same framing device as your other sections, but you end the profile in the device. And while I do love the verse at the beginning of your history section, I think you might consider putting in one of the framing paragraphs at the beginning of this section, just to tie it all up for consistency.

Overall, I definitely think you've got a great profile going. Like Mayo, I'd advise you to watch your grammar every once in a while, and take a moment to consider your word choices and keeping the tone you want to convey stable, but overall, I think you're doing quite well.

NOW, let's look briefly at your posts!

The number of different people you thread with makes me very happy. C: It deserves a smilie, that's how happy it makes me, haha. Like Mayo said, you've managed an arc that extends to all sorts of emotions, but also, all sorts of people, which I think is a great accomplishment, especially for an arc, when it can get easy to focus on portraying one aspect of a happening and forget about the rest of it. Even within the threads you've put in your app, I can see the improvement and change, which is absolutely awesome. I will say--I think there's a little disconnect in your writing voice between your profile and your posts, but it's something I had to really look for to find, so it's not something that's super important at this stage. Just be sure to keep it in mind as you move forward, and as you continue to develop your style.

As for your request, I like how you're going to play on the internal struggle of Erik's protective skin, and having it literally ripped away. There's some great plot arcs that can come out of this, and I'm excited to see the way they turn out.

This means, of course, that we've come to the end of our time together (for now). I think you're doing spectacularly, and as such, will of course approve you for Novice, and approve your special request!

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coco is a graphics goddess
Bill Walker
They see me moseyin', they hatin'...
Hufflepuff Advanced
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Hufflepuff
Age 17
Year 6th
Clash
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Bolt
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Joined5-March 15
ReputationRep: 78 pts
Awards: 128

Nov 29 2015, 02:28 AM   Link Quote
Hello Tine! I have arrived at the eleventh hour to provide your long awaited final review. LET US BEGIN.

Okay so you've already got some great feedback from Mayo and Mimi above, but let's see if I can manage to eke out a few new things to consider. Firstly I'll just do a little bit of gushing. Your choice to frame Erik's profile within a short scene at a party is a great idea! This sets the tone right away for the kind of character that the reader is in for; an eye-catching, confidently presented boy with an appetite for fun and things he possibly shouldn't be getting into if Hogwarts' staff have anything to say about it. The giggle from the reader's unnamed friend says it all.

It's also pretty clear from looking back over previous reviews that you've taken a lot of that feedback into account and put some concerted effort into expansion of details about Erik's looks, body language, emotions and everything. Well done you!

Okay drilling down on some things now:

APPEARANCE:

Lots of detail in here, yay! I particularly like the paragraph about Erik being unusually small for his age and his general stance as he shuffles his way around. I also like your explanation of his clothing and how you've contrasted that with what he had before he found his own style.

The others have mentioned that while there's some super great use of descriptive language, a couple spots can come across as a little stilted or seem to lose their nice flow. I noticed this mostly in the first couple paragraphs so I'd encourage you to read those aloud a couple times like Mayo suggested. In some cases it might be that instead of picking apart the sentences you've already written you could just sneak another sentence in between to connect the two a little more comfortably. Something to consider!

There's also a few little points where your tense becomes confused. Appearance and personality are working mostly in present tense, and while it's appropriate to slide into past tense for some parts (like the clothing bit) there are other spots where you've made the shift without needing to. It's a very easy slip to make given that most of the time we're thinking in terms of "I am writing a story" and past tense is our most natural way of doing so. There's a few points in the second and third paragraphs in particular, like this example:

QUOTE
"It already happened that Erik had kept biting his lip until it bled and someone pointed it out to him."


You might have intentionally made this past tense to indicate that this is something Erik no longer does, but if so maybe make that more obvious for derp people like me. If it's something he does still accidentally do, then maybe some slight rewording would help here to indicate that the 'past' part is the act of pointing out the habit to him. Generally though the tense slips tend to be things like 'had' instead of 'has' or 'dared' rather than 'dare' -- small stuff that'll be easy to fix.

PERSONALITY:

I'm gonna echo those above and say this section is looking super awesome. There's clearly been a huge transformation between the last edit you made and this, and once again you've definitely been aiming to address feedback you received. I like the little bit you included on how Erik first was in his early years as a student - it really brings out the sense of why he was placed within Ravenclaw at his sorting, and then you build on this later with the paragraph about his love of reading. The focus on Erik's evolution in how he craves affection and treats those around him, as well as his approach to actual intimacy, is also really well done given how central it is to him as a person.

QUOTE
"Usually, he keeps piling all the bad things up until he is buried underneath them, and digging his way out again is nothing he is capable of doing himself. Unfortunately, most of his friends fuel this behaviour by being overly protective about it when it comes to fighting his battles, rather taking them out for him than watching Erik fail and suffer."


I really love this bit. An analysis of Erik's difficulties with conflict or negative things in his life, which also draws in the behaviour of those around him. Brilliant.

So like the others I don't have much to pick at here. The tense slips do make a showing in some paragraphs, so don't forget to fine-tooth-comb for that on your next revision.

HISTORY:

hhhrrrnnnggg the opening of Erik's history is so great

You've got an almost fairy-tale quality built with the tale of Erik's parents, and it's great. There's some proofing to do, but your overall word choice and sentence structure flows along so nicely and naturally and seriously it's great. Love it. There's also lots of lovely detail building a very complete picture of Erik's early childhood and formation to the young man he is now; plenty for the reader to roll around in and play out in their head.

If I'm to pick on one thing about this section, I think it would be that there's some points confusing me around the pureblood elitism issue that gets brought up occasionally? You mention in the history that Magnus Leander had concerns about the Dwights being aggressively elitist, and yet there's also the point that Erik has relatives on his mother's side that he doesn't know about due to their having married Muggles. This kind of suggests that the Leanders are very elitist themselves. How far do the Dwights go, to have the Leanders be concerned by their levels of elitism?

POSTS:

You have posts. I like them.

Oh wait I'm supposed to say more than that huh. Like Mayo I gotta agree that you're great at post matching and keep a consistently good length in your threads, and I'll also echo Mimi in applauding how well you do at spreading your plot-tentacles out and grasping hold of loads of different characters. Much respect.

I really liked reading Sharpest Lives, there's a very comfortable friendship between Erik and Shiral and the thread covers a lot of ground without seeming like it's jumping around or getting unrealistic in their conversation. and obviously our thread is great that's just a given

SPECIAL REQUEST:

This should provide opportunities for some very delicious angst and conflict, particularly between Erik and Severin. Sounds like a pretty cool plan for exploration, but definitely don't be afraid to delve into the inner struggle this could potentially create for Erik. I note you mentioned the shock of such a drastic change and the stigma this may surround him with due to his pureblood status -- awesome, definitely explore that. There could also be some very interesting doubt and anger for Erik to feel at himself over the way you're planning for this to happen; getting mixed up with a pretty stranger and having serious lifelong consequences grow from that one stupid mistake.

Looking forward to seeing how this develops in the Clash plot!

VERDICT:

WE MADE IT TO THE END YAY so obviously I think you're in a great place with Erik now and am just gonna drop my 1UPs on top of the pile with Mayo's and Mimi's. I APPROVE you and Erik for NOVICE and APPROVE your special request of LYCANTHROPY. Well done, Tine!

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Here Duke! G'boy!

Workshop / Extra Info
Erik Dwight
My heart's a graveyard baby, and to evil we make love
Banned
Status Offline
Account
Post Count 4333
Member ID. 764
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Ravenclaw
Age 16
Year 6th
Clash neutral
StatusPureblood
Height 5'7
Tine
PronounsShe/Her
Joined9-April 14
ReputationRep: 54 pts
Awards: 89

Mar 29 2016, 10:31 AM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Intermediate

At least four of your recent role play topics:

1. The Post-Night Arc
Erik cheated on Sigurd Nilsson with Logan Donarti without ever considering the consequences of such an act of infidelity. He thought he could make his way around it, but the past is reaching out and he has to deal with confrontation.
  • With heaven above you, there's hell over me // Sigurd Nilsson
    Accidentally, Erik runs into his ex-boyfriend Sigurd in the greenhouse - and unfortunately, the door does not open any more. Things go down rather quickly as he tries to apologize to Sigurd for having cheated on him.
  • Keep talking (oh, keep talking) // Henry Lestrade
    Henry Lestrade confronts Erik about the things he did to Sigurd after the Swede accidentally hit him with a snowball. But Erik does not deal well with it and gets angry.
2. SEMPITERNAL
Tag Dellinr and Erik Dwight have always been weirdly close to each other - and always left the impression they were dating, even if they were having other lovers. But what would happen if they took their friendship to a new level? The special thing about this arc is that the thread titles come in the order of the song on BMTH's album "Sempiternal" - hence the name.
  • Can you feel my heart? // Tag Dellinr
    Erik and Tag attend a muggle music festival together. After posing for a picture together, the mood changes and becomes strangely serious.
  • The House of Wolves // Tag Dellinr
    This is only an owl, but It leads to the following thread and is a part of the arc though - I also want to include it because I like how the posts were a mix of owls and commentary.
  • Empire (let them sing) // Tag Dellinr
    After the owl conversation with Tag, he steals Erik's last bottle of alcohol. This thread is supposed to show both how they deal with their change of relationship and Erik's struggle against alcoholism - and how he still tries to cope with problems by drinking.
3. Family Portrait
Within his third or fourth year in Hogwarts, Erik abandoned the friendship to his cousin Kiljan, son of Beren Leander who is no longer acknowledged by the family after he married a muggle woman. Kiljan thinks Erik left him behind because he was not "cool" enough - but the real reason is a lot more serious. In this arc, Erik tries to gain Kil's friendship back.
  • You've taken pride in becoming nothing // Kiljan Leander
    Erik affectionately attacks his cousin on the staircase - yet he runs away as Kiljan confronts him once more.
  • Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper // Kiljan Leander
    Since his alcohol overdose, Erik struggles with the withdrawal process and his insomnia even more. In the most unfortunate moment, Kiljan finds him.
  • I'll be a flatliner for a heartkiller // Kiljan Leander
    CLASH-ERA! The two young men's relationship got a lot better after both of them graduated. But around two years ago, they lost contact once more - with no explanation from Erik. After an undercover task for the Prophet went terribly wrong, he remembers Kiljan's address in London and drags his bruised body there - but Kiljan was not aware his cousin got bitten by a werewolf...
4. Other
These are threads that do not shape a complete arc but tie in with one of them - they will fit in place when you read them.
  • Though some may hold the rose, some hold the rope // Moreena Dubois
    After his short stay at St. Mungo's, Erik was assigned to talk to Professor Dubois about his problems, as she is a friend of the family. But he is not very fond of talking about anything.
  • Sleeping Beauty // Elizabeth Wells
    Sleepless nights and a general feeling of being unwell lead to Erik falling asleep during Professor Well's Charms class.
  • non mortem/ somni fratrem // Henry Lestrade & Sigurd Nilsson
    This thread is a little out of concurrence because it's an au, but this is pretty much how Erik would be without all the trouble in his life, and I love the dynamic between the three boys.
5. CLASHAs Erik's special request - lycanthropy - only appears in Clash Era, I wanted to add some threads I have there because he has quite changed and I feel like these display the changes in his life best.
  • something strange in the air // Astrea Beaufort
    Through several coincidences, Erik runs into Astrea Beaufort - a fellow reporter - in a VG building. They make a deal - a story for a story.
  • we're feeling so anaesthetised (in our comfort zone) // Andrew Lenski
    As preparation for a mission concerning Braeden Shaw, Erik moves in with Andrew Lenski. Unfortunately, it is the weak before full moon...
  • Kiss my eyes til I can't see no more // Lien Hong
    In extraordinary bad nights, Severin Larsson takes care of Erik's wounds. But he receives a visitor in the morning, who is not pleased to see Erik around.
  • I see the light // Alba Blackwood
    While Alba wanders the woods in a drunken mood, Erik found a way there too. An unexpected encounter I wanted to include because it was the first time I wrote Erik as an actual wolf and it was an interesting thing to write.
Commentary: So, in April, it will be two years since I joined wurr for the first time with Erik. He has been my first character, and is – after fifteen others – still one of my favourites. I know I struggled with his personality a lot, and he did not turn out the way I planned him at all. But I am glad about the way he turned out in the end, and I have put him through a lot of things since I last ranked. The alcohol withdrawal is a main point in his life right now, and I also like the way he came along to feel something like remorse over the things he did, as he never really cared about the consequences of his doings. I like to see Erik slowly grow up, and I want to see where I can take him – and what I can improve about him now.

My special request is limited to Clash, therefore I did not have as many opportunities to toy around with it as I wanted to, but I managed to find a few threads where it plays a part – such as the missions in clash and also in his relationship to Kiljan. It still ties in with Severin's plot history as well, and I feel like the tension that is created will work out nicely for future plots. I just want to see if I'm on the right track with him or if I'm the only one who sees character growth here, and I would love to have some feedback :3

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May 8 2016, 02:48 PM   Link Quote
(literally 239580235 years later) HELLO TINE -- sorry about the wait let's not waste time and get right into this! I'm gonna look at your plot arcs and offer you some feedback and a thing or two about how to further develop/strengthen them, but first let's take a look at the requirements:

QUOTE
  • At least 12 posts by your character over 4 threads.
  • A thread in which you use your special request (if you have one). We will evaluate the use of your request and give you tips on how to improve. This thread can count towards the topic number requirement.
  • Continued variation in the people you're posting with (this refers to both characters and writers).
  • The beginning, middle, or end of a long-term plot arc. Preferably, but not necessarily, a continuation from the one used in your Novice application.
  • At Intermediate, the focus is on development. While this doesn’t mean that your character needs to have changed drastically, we should begin to see them come out of their comfort zone. Consider the way their relationships with others have affected them, and how their plot arcs will begin to shape them. You should now have an idea of the direction you want to take your character, and your plot arc should reflect this direction.
  • By now your unique style should be more apparent and consistent. We are looking for writing that matches the mood and pace of the thread. Grammar, spelling, and overall post structure should have improved from Novice, and apparent errors should be minimal.
  • As you are developing a voice in your posts, think about how your character reacts to their environment, and consider their inner dialogue, vocabulary, memories, etc. These are all things that contribute to your character's unique voice and will help develop your characterization.

You already did a profile revision at Novice, so I took out those bits and we can go straight into the review!

post-night

To begin with, first of all, this is a very emotionally charged wrap-up (? or continuation/aftermath, I should say) from the Night stuff and I love how hard you dug into Erik's feelings about having 1) cheated on Sigurd and 2) having it being the result of alcohol use. The feelings that Erik deals with are pretty in line with what we might expect from his actions and I would say you do a very solid job of getting them across in your writing, so good job!! It's pretty easy to follow what's happening in both of the threads, which actually isn't always easy to do, so good job again 8)

That being said, there are a few things which I think you can still work on in the future, if the repercussions of this arc (alcoholism, etc) will echo across future plots for Erik!

What I'm getting from your threads about this is a very clear sense of the emotion you want Erik to feel, but I'm getting less of a sense that it's Erik feeling these emotions. You with me? For example, in with heaven above you it's obvious that what Erik is experiencing is guilt and remorse and contrite, etc., but the feeling I get from it is more objective than subjective. I'd like to see you maybe experiment with that objective vs. subjective thing a little in the future! Play around with how you describe emotions and see if you can really frame them through how Erik processes them. Maybe he doesn't even process them entirely, maybe he's too numb to deal with a lot of things because the sheer mass of feeling is overwhelming, and so on and so forth. I get more of Erik's personality with keep talking, I think because you're less focused on trying to get through an emotion and more thinking about how Erik himself would react to Henry, so perhaps thinking through those terms would help you there.

Your writing is fine; it's very descriptive -- I don't see a lot of grammatical errors and I'm confident that you know the grammar rules well enough to be able to catch yourself, so keep proofreading and keep it up! For the future, I'd also like you to think more about pacing and atmosphere. You're doing fine so far, but having a clear mental picture of where the high point of a thread is will always help you more when the action starts to drag or get out of control.

sempiternal

Before we get started I just want to say that "you're my best friend but OH NO I SUDDENLY AM FEELING THINGS FOR YOU" is one of my favorite kinds of plots ever so. HURRAH. Let's get to it.

I really like how you've set the tone for each thread in your first post -- that's one of the first things I notice when I'm reading a thread and, in my opinion, one of the most important things in a thread. I get the feeling that you're pretty comfortable in mood making throughout the span of this arc as well, so keep doing what you're doing; Jess gives you some great things to build off of and you're doing a great job going with them. Also, I love the owl! I think it's very defining about them and I encourage you to carry this feeling over to the actual RP threads.

For this arc, I'd like you to think about what is uniquely Tag-and-Erik about them. Give them some inside jokes or some more things that they associate solely with each other! The threads you've listed out here are a little on the short side, so there's just less of stuff to draw from. You've got a solid foundation where their relationship is and where it's headed, perhaps, but I want to see more stuff. I want to know how bad Erik wants this despite thinking that it would shuffle around what might've been a stabilizing force in his life. Taking that into account, try to have Erik's emotions become more complex about Tag -- instead of sort of focusing on one thing at a time, make him feel everything. AT ONCE! Want and fear go hand in hand a lot! And Erik is a dude who has such a great capacity to feel and come into himself, so please think hard about this in the future.

family portrait

What I like about this arc is that you've made the situation clear from the start. You have a really nice habit of bringing clarity into all your plots so that people don't get confused (THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT) and I just wanna commend you on that. SO! GOOD JOB! I love family plots even more than I like romance plots (shocker, right) so I totally zoomed in on this when I saw it in your app and reconciliation is pretty much my #1 everything when it comes to plots so let's get to it!

I really understand where Erik (and Kiljan, too!) is coming from in this plot, but I'd like to do a little more than just understand. Try to consider how to get a reader to really empathize with Erik. The tone that I hear from your threads with Kiljan come across as kind of detached -- maybe it's just me? -- but this guy is someone Erik was friends with forever and then abandoned more or less out of ? cowardice? It's a pretty big deal, and he's family on top of it, so I'd like to see some more raw, unfiltered feeling come out in how you're writing Erik in general wrt this plot. Instead of explaining everything, play around with simply immersing everything around Erik himself and I think your writing will come out stronger for it and the narration will also come out stronger. Because Erik is the one wanting something actively in this plot, it would be more helpful to take a more active role with your narration and prose.

In their Clash thread, I think all of this is much stronger, which brings up another idea: really try to get comfortable with the relationship highlighted in your plots. It's not a problem you tend to have, but if you're starting in on an established status quo, sometimes I am able to sense that you're not quite at the level of ease and familiarity that you necessarily want to be. By the time Clash comes around, Erik and Kiljan's relationship has changed enough for you and Kahlen to feel much more comfortable delving deeper into it, and it might help you to take that level of comfort back to their Hogwarts plot.

Similar to the Tag arc, I would've liked to just see some more posts -- consider, in the future, some supplementary one-shots? -- but I also understand the constraints of waiting on people.

lycanthropy/clash/special request

I've been rambling a while so I'll try to keep this short -- I think your Clash stuff is probably the strongest section in this application. I really like how you keep things from your plots and work them into all your threads, and so it would make sense that Erik as a Clash character is sort of more complete than what I've read in his HWE threads. I really enjoyed especially how you portray him as a wolf and I think you're honestly doing great and are on the right track!

Definitely try not to let the excitement get in the way of mechanics -- especially in your older threads, I caught a few typos, but again, always make sure to proofread several times before you hit that add reply 8)

---

Let's get the verdict out of the way first: I approve Erik for Intermediate. I think you are hitting the points that we are looking for, in general, but there are many things to consider for future rank-ups (or just further development). There are a lot of little things that I think you can have some more fun with -- allusions to the werewolf thing, the way Erik has pretty much never been without magic (maybe something interesting can come out of that), etc... these are traits that make Erik very uniquely himself and not so much just a player in a plot, does that make sense? I get hints of it in your threads, but in the future, we'll be looking for a much larger presence of these traits.

All that being said, if you've got any questions/comments/etc, you know where to find me! I'm always a PM/Skype msg away. Good luck with your next review, Tine!

---

@Erik Dwight

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Misik Sa
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May 10 2016, 08:37 PM   Link Quote
HEY TINE. I AM MIMI, AND I SHALL BE YOUR SECOND REVIEWER TODAY! I'm so so so sorry for the wait, but let's get right down to it. Lily's posted the requirements and started us off, so I'll jump off of her!

I'll start with my overall impression of your application, which is that you definitely have a solid and defined rooting in the way you write. There's no wavering in the way you write--you clearly know Erik and his reactions, relationships, moods, and thoughts, and you write them with confidence. You also do an absolutely wonderful job of not dropping the ball, so to speak, in terms of characters and relationships. You put in references to other occurrences in Erik's life, references to other threads with other people, and I absolutely love that, because it shows that you're engaging multiple people on the site, as well as entrenching Erik in the castle, IC-ly speaking, and that's definitely something we look for at the upper levels.

That being said, I think you've reached a comfort zone, so to speak, with the way you write Erik. The descriptors and adjectives you convey the image your want to convey, and they're appropriately descriptive, but I definitely feel like it's time for you to start pushing your writing to the next level. I'd like to see you play around with your description and word choice--what words are uniquely Erik? How would you compose an uniquely Erik thought? Like Lily described it more succinctly, be more subjective, not only in content, but in structure. Think about voice and rhythm, think about it like you're learning an instrument. We want to move past playing the notes correctly and clearly now, and start adding musicality and flair. The best way to do this, of course, is always to keep writing, but more importantly, to try new things, and not be afraid to throw out a post you're not entirely comfortable with for the sake of trying out something, writing-wise.

That all being said, let's look at your arcs. So the first thing I noticed was that you have these arcs planned out and organized well, which is awesome. I would have liked to see a further progression in the threads of your arcs--that is, I get the impression that you're still at the beginning of the Post-Night arc, in particular, and I would have loved to see more revolving around this aftermath. I think this is your strongest arc right now, to be honest, but again, I would have definitely liked to see more in its progression, and I hope that you do bring us more threads from this arc in the future. In this arc in particular, I'd also like to see you....focus on the repercussions between Erik and Sigurd singularly? Like, I feel like if you progressed this arc solely by giving us repeated encounters between them and showing how their relationship changes after this, with time, and so on, it would really highlight the changes in Erik and his develop, showing us both a baseline and the metamorphosis. Of course, I don't know where you were planning to end this arc, but that's just an idea!

For your Sempiternal arc, this is really an arc where I'd like to see you push the limits of your writing, as I talked about previously. I'm echoing Lily a little bit here, but in an arc like this, where Feelings Happen, you want the reader to also get as crazy and messy as the character themselves. In terms of development moving forward, this is an arc where I'd like to see the opposite of the Post-Night arc--I'd like to see if Erik's feelings and thoughts and wants spill over into other parts of his life. The thing that strikes me about both the Sempiternal and Post-Night arcs is that they have the potential to be a lot messier than they are right now. I think, if you think you can control it, I would let loose and see what kind of devastation you can accomplish.

Your Family Portrait arc is probably the most interesting arc to me, personally, probably because I have a soft spot for family background and history. I think you establish Erik and Kiljan's relationship well in the present, and give a good contrast to their relationship in the future. I'm sure you know that what I'd like to see next time you rank up, then, is a continuation of the things in between, so that we can fill in the blanks between these two points. That being said, I think the two of them have an interesting dynamic, and like Lily, I would have liked to see more. Definitely consider how you might fill in the gaps here in the future!

Okay, since this is getting long, I'll just peek in real quick at your special request! Overall, I think you're doing well with this request. Like Lily, I think some of these Clash threads are some of your strongest threads, and I'd like to see how you can translate some of that written and character strength downwards. It might be not so much thinking about the starting point as...deconstructing from Clash backwards, if that makes sense? I'd also like to see if you can think of an arc that does something unusual with lycanthropy, and I'd also like to see a longer arc with lycanthropy as the focus.

Overall, I think you've definitely got a lot of great things going. Your writing and characterization have definitely improved loads since your previous ranking apps, and seeing your development is seriously awesome. This means, of course, that I will approve you for Intermediate! I just also want to take a moment and encourage you to really push your limits if you try for Advanced. Again, don't be afraid to get messy and try new things and break things to put them back together differently--you and Erik have a lot of potential, and I can't wait to see where you two go!

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May 12 2016, 09:18 AM   Link Quote
HI TINE as per usual I am the last to arrive at the ball please do forgive my lateness. You've already received some thoughts, feedback and impressions from Lily and Mimi, so I'm just popping by to round things out.

So firstly! Let's tick off the basics. Your posts are consistently solid, with lots of descriptive language and generally not a lot in the way of typographical errors that can't be fixed up on a second pass. You're also well able to post-match, dishing up healthy servings of lovely words to all your RP partners, so well done you on all that!

Another great thing about your posts that I believe both the others have already mentioned is that you always make sure to reference past events, characters and motivations -- it comes through especially strong in Can you feel my heart? This always goes a long way towards making Erik feel like a real piece of the Hogwarts puzzle, showing his place in relation to others and how his story weaves into the greater scene. This explanation of Erik's motives and experiences lends credence to each new action he takes; I as a reader can understand the choices that Erik makes and his reactions to other characters.

A point raised to do with this by both Lily and Mimi is the sense that sometimes things could stand to be a little more subjective -- to really share the emotions that Erik is feeling in the moment. If I may suggest, perhaps referencing direct thought processes might help here? I myself struggled a bit with this and found that providing those mental workings could sometimes add the extra layer of feeling to a moment. If you're able to link those thoughts to specific expression or tics flitting across Erik's behaviour that will be even better! In most of your threads you're already doing a good job of painting the environment around Erik and his interactions with it, so given that you've got those outside influences down pat really focus on turning things inward. make us cry

One further thing I would like to put forward has to do with driving action within your threads. You always make sure to pick up on the hooks that your RP partners put out for you, responding in kind with dialogue or Erik's reactions to a given situation, but I feel sometimes that you could take the action a little further in pushing the thread forward to make sure it's not all caught in the one place. After responding, push forward with more, like you're fencing -- defend and counterattack. In some threads you've got this give and take down, such as Erik's argument with Henry, but in others I feel as though there's a little more room for your own initiative. Most people will eagerly roll with anything you put forward, but there's also the benefit of quiet words before a post if you're ever unsure!

Okay, not yet looked at your special request so let's have a quick pass over that. I think some of your Clash material is amongst the strongest you've given here, and I particularly like that you've got references to Erik's condition littered into posts even where it's not being actively utilised, such as your briefly touching on the enhanced speed and stamina he's acquired through the taint in his blood. This is good to see, as it drives home that this is an integral part of Erik in the future. The thread between Erik and Alba is of the most interest to me, as it gives us the most detailed glimpse into Erik the wolf and the situation that caused it. Definitely play more with this going forward, there's lots of ways in which he could come to embrace his wolfy nature and really make use of it. throw him in a scrap graurrrr

Alrighty, and that's that. You've already got your two thumbs up, so I'mma just quickly mention some last things to consider as you continue on your merry ranking way. You're always an active and eager writer, and it's awesome seeing the multiple story arcs you've provided for us here, so I'd encourage continuation of that -- keep spreading Erik around and throwing him into these differing circumstances. It's also super cool to see that Erik is growing as a person -- seeing him coming to terms with his alcoholism and taking a step towards healing that part of his life is super great. Keep it up! He's had stumbling blocks along the way, but he deserves a little resolution. Drama and pathos are a lot of fun, but getting past these things and growing makes for much more rounded stories and characters, and gives more lighter moments to make the drama hit harder.

Hope my ramblings have been helpful! Bolt AWAY!

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Oct 4 2016, 10:54 AM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Advanced
At least FIVE of your recent role play topics, including a group thread:
I tried to put these in a chronological order, so I hope they make sense. Of course I had threads in between, but these mostly follow each other.
    Bora Bora excesses
    At Bora Bora, Erik is locked in a bungalow with his cousin Kiljan, Njord Vikernes and his childhood friend James. The proximity of the sea is supposed to feel like home, but he doesn’t do well with the heat and separates himself from everyone else a lot. I did not expect this event to help me with Erik’s development, but here we are.
  • Some day I'll drive {close both my eyes} feat. Tag Dellinr
    After a fight with Kiljan, Erik retreats to the beach. He did not expect to run into his boyfriend, as their relationship isn’t as conventional as it could be. The familiarity of the ocean triggers thoughts of someone else instead. This counts for the continuation of the Sempiternal arc, as Jess and me did not come along to plot out more for this one.
  • When the rain washes you clean, you'll know feat. Beauregard Fontaine
    Erik likes the idea of falling and drowning, and Beau doesn’t. They have been dorm mates forever now, but only now start talking while a thunderstorm approaches.
  • I won't fall in love with falling feat. Kiana van der Decken
    Erik and Kiana jump down a waterfall, with very different reasons for their actions.

    Tightrope Walking
    This arc includes threads that deal with the Post-Night-experience from my Intermediate ranking, as well as Erik slowly realising that drinking had not been his only problem.
  • Convallaria majalis feat. Gretchen Kirke-Faust
    While cleaning his room, Erik finds the flower crown Sigurd has given him for his birthday. His kitten breaks it accidentally. For background reading: In this post, Sigurd gives him the flower crown, so I thought it would be nice to have the backstory of it when you feel like reading this :3
  • (I used to make out with) Medusa feat. Avalon Yaxley
    Avalon is Erik’s best (female) friend. She is going through a crisis because of her mother’s death, and for once he is trying to help instead of needing help himself.
  • LONG MAY SHE REIGN Group Thread
    As Ava’s best friend, Erik is supporting her as co-host for the first ball she organised herself. He is just slightly awkward before engaging into a dance with Serenity.
  • You're intertwining your soul with somebody else feat. Sigurd Nilsson
    During the Yaxley ball, Erik thinks it’s a good idea to ask his ex-boyfriend on whom he cheated for a dance. Spoiler alert: It’s not a good idea. This term is mainly for the two of them to come to some kind of end for all the drama their break-up had caused - but still not quite an end for their interactions.
  • You drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola Oneshot
    After months without a single word from William Dwight, he invites his son over. But almost as soon as Erik walked through the door, everything goes down the drain again.
  • Maybe one day, the bitter will leave your bones feat. Avalon Yaxley
    Avalon offered Erik to call her when the visit at his father’s house goes wrong. Everything went wrong, and Erik breaks down.

    Others
    These threads either take place before, after or inbetween my main arcs, and I wanted to include them because I had the awesome opportunity of developing some great new relationships for Erik in these!
  • You're lovin' on the psychopath sitting next to you feat. Juno Moreau
    Juno and Erik used to be close through shared party nights, but everything is a little more awkward since Erik had to retreat from the party scene
  • Don't pay the ferryman until he gets you to the other side feat. Kiana van der Decken
    Erik and Kiana are quite a dangerous couple who engage into a variety of potentially fatal activities for different reasons.
  • Something about the sunshine feat. Honoré Deschamps
    While retreating to the gardens of Hogwarts to be alone, Erik runs into Honoré for the first time since the other boy’s transfer.
  • Until fear no longer defines us feat. Aune Keminen
    Aune and Erik realize that they have at least two things in common: sleeping issues and origins that lie in the North.


    Clash Plots
    Erik’s lycanthropy is limited to clash, and I like to explore how he deals with it. He has changed a lot since his teenage years and I think it shines through in these threads.
  • Every sunrise, every sunset (will help me to forget your name) feat. Sascha Klaus
    Severin takes care of Erik’s wounds after wild full moon nights. But as Sev is not around, Erik has to deal with Sascha instead, and a pissing contest starts.
  • And when it rains it pours (but I think I like it) feat. Sascha Klaus
    This is the follow-up from the Every sunrise… thread. Sascha and Erik investigate the cat animagi case further and get into some delicate situations.
  • Forever young feat. Honoré Deschamps
    Erik is tired, and Honoré allows him to sleep in his bed. But there are still secrets between the two young men which cannot be told yet.

What are your three biggest RPing tips for any member?
    1. Read
    It sounds so easy, but it helps. Read poetry, read lyrics, books (both fictional and non-fictional), browse blogs for quotes and skim magazines. It will help to find your own style and to improve your writing so much.

    2. Experience
    It is easier to write about the feeling of sand in between your toes when you have experienced the very same feeling before. Work your own experiences and impressions into your writing to breathe more life into your words, describe the scent of autumn air, the way raindrops feel on your skin, how the beat of a certain song can be felt in your veins. And if you write about something you have never experienced, research well enough to make it feel authentic.

    3. Write
    Write for yourself. Write posts, oneshots, short stories. Write single phrases that sound good in your mind. Write a small piece every day to keep the words flowing. Just write, no matter if for yourself or others.
Commentary: I have to admit that the Bora Bora event has really helped me with Erik’s development, and I know now where I want to take him. This app shows his slow and painful way to realising that something is wrong with him, so I can take him onto the next and final step to accept it and start recovery. I tried to stick to the themes of drowning, the sea and Shakespeare’s Ophelia as this is something that suits Erik well and something I want to transfer to his profile later on as well. I have tried hard to get different and new situations for him and even threw him at new people, and I really hope that my writing as improved by now. I swear I proofread.

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Jan 1 2017, 03:28 PM   Link Quote
HELLO TINE! I am Mimi, and I shall be your first reviewer today! As always, thank you for your patience, and I'm super, super sorry about how long this review has taken. To start off, as you well know, I'm going to throw in the guidelines for Advanced for us to reference:

QUOTE
At least 20 posts by your character over 5 threads. *
A group thread** with at least 2 posts by your character. This thread will count towards the total five threads and 20 posts required.
The beginning, middle, or end of a plot arc that spans over multiple threads. While only one plot arc is required, multiple plot arcs are encouraged, especially arcs which are connected to each other. Continuations of previous plot arcs are encouraged, however, not mandatory, since time lapses tend to be greater between higher ranks.
At Advanced, we are looking for the full-package character. This character should be three-dimensional, nuanced, and have depth. Your plot arcs should highlight this roundness of character, as well as any changes from previous ranks. We should see more of what is going on inside your character's mind in addition to your character’s reaction to outside stimuli.
Grammar, spelling, and overall structure should be near-perfect at this stage, and reviewers should not have to comment on any issues. We will look for your distinct, identifiable writing style, as well as a distinctive character voice projected through this style.


And we'll be off! So as always, I'll start by reading through your application to get a sense of what you're trying to do for this rank. At first glance, you have a wide range of threads and interactions going on with Erik--one of the things I've always admired about you as a writer is how you can thread and play with all sorts of characters, but keep the thread going and natural. Your strength as a writer definitely lies in the fact that you know your characters so well that you know how they would react in any situation or with any other person. We talked a lot about being more subjective and feeling in your Intermediate reviews, and I can definitely see that you've been working on that, and expanding the range and depth of Erik's emotions and actions. That being said, I feel like that expansion has been a little at the expense of your style of writing, and your posts read to me like you're working on integrating these two components together--which isn't to say that either part is lacking, just that you're evolving as a writer, and that this evolution, just like any evolution, needs time to settle into its full potential. Something that might help you is to think about your writing, and what you characterize about yourself as a writer. What parts of your writing are most indicative of who you are as a writer? What parts of your writing are most important to you as a writer? Once you identify these two categories, I feel you'll be more clearly able to see where the expansions can fit, and conversely, where they don't. That, in turn, will give you a greater awareness of your writing, tightening and strengthening it even further.

Now, your plots and development. As I mentioned before, I greatly admire your ability to thread and plot with everyone, and I applaud your ability to constantly work in references to other plots you have going on with Erik and weave an interconnected web. The flip side to this, though, is that the important, long-term development for Erik can get lost amidst the plethora of plots, and I definitely had a moment of 'whoa' looking at all the threads you gave us in your application. My initial worry, upon seeing all these threads, was that you had spread yourself way too thin, and given us a quantity of threads without delving as deep into them as you could. Upon reading your threads, though, as well as going through your summaries, I realized that this wasn't the case, and that you've done a good job in connecting your plots together and thinking about consequences and connections, even down to the smallest things, like the flower crown in Convallaria majalis. My main advice on this front would be to more carefully consider your organization and presentation in your applications. We love extra threads, as you know, and we're eager to see all aspects of character development, but don't let it all be overshadowed.

That all being said, I'm going to admit that I've been on the fence for a very long time with my decision regarding your application. While I think your plot development is fine, if needing a bit more focus, what I'm concerned about is the development and integration of your writing style as it evolves. Admittedly, if this had been at a lower rank, I would let it go for the next rank. But this is Advanced, with all the expectations that comes with. Looking at the requirements for Advanced, you do have a distinctive writing style, and a distinctive character voice. You have a rounded, complex character in Erik, and we do see his reaction to outside stimuli, as well as his internal thoughts. It's the combination of these things, though, that makes an Advanced character. As a result, I'm going to recommend that you wait one month before reapplying. Honestly, you're right on the edge for me, and the only reason I'm not approving you in this moment is that I want to make sure that you have time to do what I know you can do. As always, please let me know if you have any questions or if I can help you with anything.

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Jan 2 2017, 10:42 PM   Link Quote
Hi Tine! I haven't reviewed Erik since novice so I'm gonna go and catch up on everything that happened in between o u o Mimi's already put up the requirements for us, so I'm just going to go ahead and try my best!

writing and characterisation
The first thing I want to note is how far you've come from when I first reviewed you at beginner, and when I first dragged you into wurr hell. I honestly love how much you've improved, and how far you've come from Beginner up to now. You should be proud of yourself for that! That being said, there are still particular things that I pick out of your writing, some good and some not so good, for example, your use of comparative adjectives. In one thread with Avalon you use the phrase "in front of the younger girl" but saying younger girl implies that Erik is also female which he's not - this tends to happen pretty frequently across your writing, so I'd say that it's something you should keep in mind.

Another thing, I think, would be the proofreading. I know it's not possible to catch all typos ever, but there are places where you've written things like The ceramic was almost hot against his always so called hands and as well as the one night when the two of them had drunkishly kissed and the taste of pile and vomit on his tongue, all of which came from one thread. Proofreading is crucial, especially at this stage - the requirements say Grammar, spelling, and overall structure should be near-perfect at this stage and reviewers should not have to comment on any issues and while we're not going to outright deny you on the basis of typos, you have to remember that at this stage of ranking, everything should be coming together, and (like the guidelines say) reviewers should not have to comment on any issues.

There are other things that are easy to pick out of your writing: you have a distinct writing style, and it would be hard to mistake one of your posts for anyone else's, and Erik is definitely a character who you know very well, and could never be mistaken for anyone else. He also certainly has a lot going on in his life which has shaped him as a character, and this is quite evident! So you're definitely doing well there, which is excellent to see.

The other thing is that, while it's clear that Erik is a character who is written very naturally and consistently and is for the most part the kind of character that we're looking for at an Advanced rank, it's hard to pick out emotions in his posts. Erik definitely reads very consistently as a character and has a strong voice, but a lot of his posts seem to be written in sort of the same way, which makes it hard to differentiate his emotions. While I was not one of your Intermediate reviewers, I did go back and read them, and like Mimi said, you've been working on Erik's emotions, but you're not quite at the stage where this is solid material just yet, and it needs time to settle into its full potential.

plots and development
What I like is that Erik always has a lot going on, which is nice because it contributes a lot to his character, and there is definitely development that happens to him. What the problem may be is that you've given us a lot of threads to look at in your application - while this isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's hard to pick out where the development is here, and it's kind of unclear what the development is for this particular rank. As well as that, there are some threads you've included where I wasn't sure of their role in the app, but perhaps this is just a matter of how you organise the application - you might not think it's important, but it honestly is.

I think one of the other things I have to comment on is that I feel like you rush your writing a lot. It might be good to think about slowing it down sometimes, to focus on the quality of your posts, because it'll make a huge difference. It's not that your posts right now are bad, it's more that one way to improve would be to take your time on them, and to really think about what you're doing and the way you're writing things, and what you're writing about. I don't feel like there's really very much I can say about that, because this is more of a personal to you thing, and I can't really tell you how to write posts, lmao. You have that down anyway, it's just a matter of tweaking things so that they go from good to great if nothing else.

verdict
I'm also going to recommend that you wait one month before applying again - I definitely think that you have the potential to rank to Advanced, but I don't think that you're ready for it right now, but I believe in you. If you have any questions about what I wrote in this review, feel free to ask me anything!

@Erik Dwight

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Jan 9 2017, 12:05 AM   Link Quote
Hello, Tine! I’m Kendall and I’ve decided to jump in here like a crazy person and be your third reviewer. I’m not sure we’ve ever really talked beyond… interacting in Quidditch? I’ve made a few comebacks to WURR here and there, but life likes to get a bit crazy sometimes, hence my longer-than-intended absence here of late. So why come back to do a ranking? I occasionally pop on and look to see if there are reviews that are running behind in case I can be of service in some way. And the higher you go in the rankings, the fewer members there are that surround you. Having gotten Lydia to Elite, I’ve been exactly where you are. I’ve clawed for those higher rankings. And as a former staffer, I’ve written many, many reviews. But summoning the energy to do all the work is tough. I’m a language teacher, so I spend a good deal of time reading compositions and correcting countless grammar mistakes. So doing reviews? Not fun. I already do it for work.

However I was inspired to do your third and final review for one simple reason:

This will be one of the easiest reviews I have ever done.

You are absolutely worthy of the advanced ranking. There is no argument. I have spent the last chunk of time reading post after post (after post after post), and all I can say is I am in love with your writing. From the first post of your first thread, you caught my attention. You gripped me tightly and wouldn’t let me go.

QUOTE
In the end, Erik could not even recall what had started the fight as he walked out of the bungalow, leaving his boots behind and grabbing his cigarettes and sunglasses instead, even though the sun was already setting. He smashed the door close, only to cut off the words that were yelled after him into the darkness of the island. The wood of the paths between the bungalows felt rough against his feet, still warm from the sun that had been shining on it all day long.


I read these few sentences at least three times. NOT because there was a problem with it, but simply because I loved it so much. I love that you basically start it mid-thought. You jump in with Erik’s mindset in a specific place. Your descriptions are so vivid that with every thread I read, I felt like I was standing there with him. I felt the warm wood on my feet here. I felt the water filling my throat and lungs as I jumped off the waterfall with Erik and Kiana. I felt the nausea roll through my stomach with Erik in Clash. One thing that we have always stressed here is being descriptive – not only in using metaphors (which you do wonderfully), but simply describing the environment and engaging the reader so that they can experience the moment with you and your character. You use strong, evocative words. Instead of “closed” or even “slammed” the door, he “smashed the doors closed”. In three sentences you’ve told the reader so much. It feels like we’re peeping in on a private moment.

And you do this in all of your posts.

In the past, we always said that our ranking system was to help develop better writers. Not perfect writers, but better, stronger writers. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. Sometimes I write something that, quite frankly, is a load of crap. Yes, we wanted our writers to have good grammar consistently, but most importantly we wanted to build writers that wrote interesting, well-rounded characters. We wanted to see a variety of plots and ideas, and we wanted writers to develop their own voice. To develop their own style of writing. And you do that in spades. Erik is real. Erik is vivid and multi-dimensional. I’ve not interacted with him, but already I want to because he feels full of life.

On the subject of grammar, there were a few spelling errors here and there, but those happen to everyone. I ran across a few instances where part of a sentence was awkwardly worded, but of course I can’t find the issue now. I always recommend reading posts – or even just sentences – out loud. Oftentimes you’ll find yourself tripping up over the words when they’re jumbled strangely. As for the rest of the grammar, the only mistakes that really jumped out at me were mistakes that the vast majority of native English speakers make.

QUOTE
Some time later - minutes, hours, maybe even days, he could not quite tell - Erik had tried to shower and almost failed when he had moved and the pain spread from his bones onto his skin, as if he was made of thorns and they were slowly pushing through his skin.


This is from your Clash thread – “Every sunrise, every sunset (will help me to forget your name)”. The bolded red is the tiny mistake in this sentence. And as I’ve already stated, most native English speakers would make this same mistake. The correct verb would be “were” – as if he were made of thorns. As I’m not familiar with German, I don’t know if you have the subjunctive mood and I’m not going to give you a big grammar lesson here. But because it is a hypothetical situation – he’s NOT actually made of thorns – you’d use the past subjunctive. And for this verb, it would end up being “were” here. Now I’m not pointing this out here to make you feel bad. I want to make the point that this grammar mistake here is dealing with incredibly advanced levels of grammar that, as I keep saying, most English speakers don’t understand. At least in the United States, we don’t generally talk about the subjunctive. Ever.

You’re not making the basic grammar mistakes. I deal with non-native English speakers every day, and I deal with native English speakers trying to learn another language. Your English is incredible. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Your command of the English language – simply on a grammatical level – is remarkable. Add to that your ability as a writer, and honestly, I am stunned that you’re not a native English speaker. I am making a big point about all of this, because this is all something to be celebrated. You are a beautiful writer, Tine. End of discussion. It’s not “good for a non-native English speaker”. It’s just good overall. Hell, it’s GREAT overall.

QUOTE
and he submitted to the animal inside, to the beast that ripped its way through the beauty - the relative beauty - that was visible for everyone else. There was a certain weight to his bones, and a tingling of nerves when full moon approached, although he tried to lead his life how he used to do it - careless, daring, and unafraid. But life was no longer as easy as it used to be, and gone were the days when a lost love was the kind of issue that broke him inside. Erik did not want his life to be controlled by the moon, just like he had become a foam crown on the waves of the tides, dragged and pushed by the planet above. Yet back in his own apartment in Southwark, the days of full moon were marked with pink highlighter, with green dots following and leading the pink circles. Days of Wolfsbane, days of turning. It was a routine he had not chosen for himself, a routine only few knew of.


This is beautiful. I mean… it’s just beautiful. It’s sad and bittersweet and nostalgic and serene and everything all at once. I love the imagery you use here. A “foam crown on the waves of the tides” is such an elegant, delicate phrase and I’m in love with it. This whole chunk is wonderfully written. The paragraph flows. It shifts from the fierce, animalistic to the push-and-pull between the waves and the moon… and finally to the sad routine of schedules and notations. There are some run-on sentences, yes. Here and in some other posts, but to me, that is part of YOUR writing style. It’s not for everyone. And there are probably some occasions where you could split them into two different ideas. But they don’t bother me in your writing like it does in some other people’s writing. And it’s simply because your run-ons for the most part have a logical flow of ideas, so it makes sense even when the sentence is longer than average. If I wanted to be super picky, I might admonish you for ending the last sentence with a preposition. However we’re lazy with the English language, and ending sentences with prepositions is accepted. Furthermore there are times when the proper grammar doesn’t sound right – “a routine of which only few knew” sounds wrong and off-balance. Sometimes we break the rules to develop our own style. And so it doesn’t bother me.

Okay, I’m trying to be a good reviewer and find more grammar issues since… well, I’ll get to that.

QUOTE
The streets of London were familiar - at least the ones he was walking now, hands dug deep in his pockets, shoulders hunched and hood pulled deep over his face.


Okay, here is one thing that I noticed – and I know I noticed it at least one other time. You start off this sentence talking about the streets of London. The streets being the actual subject of the sentence. The next part “at least the ones he was walking now” is describing the subject “streets”. Perfect so far. But then you shift into describing Erik. It’s not the streets’ hands that are dug deep in their pockets. It’s Erik’s. This part (“hands dug deep”) to the end of the sentence are all modifying a subject that hasn’t been stated. To correct this you either need to break the sentences apart, shifting to Erik as the subject for the second part, for example:

QUOTE
The streets of London were familiar – at least the ones he was walking now. Erik dug his hands deep into his pockets, his shoulders hunched and hood pulled deep over his face.


Or you could just add a few words to the sentence, and find a way to smoothly shift to Erik being the subject. But if you’re ever uncertain, the easiest thing to do is just make them two separate sentences like the example above. It’s not pretty. Just an example. 

So for what to focus on: just continue cleaning up those spelling and grammar mistakes. And I don’t know how Erik was in earlier ranks, but I’d like to see Erik having even more fun. I know he smiled some with Kiana, but part of me wants to see him in just a completely… silly situation. Maybe someone sneaked a love potion in something he ate. Or maybe a Felix Felices potion.

Okay, this is already massively long.

Look… I will be completely honest here. I don’t understand how you have two denials. Maybe I managed to miss a whole bunch of terrible posts. Somehow. Despite having been at this for hours now. But everyone writes differently, and we all look for and appreciate different things. But as far as I’m concerned, you are more than worthy of the Advanced level. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. It was a joy to read your posts. And I know that going up through the ranking system is daunting in itself. But to do it in another language? That would only be more stressful. Hell, I wouldn’t want to do something like this in my second language. But you write magnificently. Your character is well-formed and has his own voice in your threads.

So with all that having been said, I happily approve you for Advanced. Since you have two denials and one approval, it is now your choice as to whether you will submit an appeal or continue to rework your character based on the comments made here. Good luck with whatever you choose, darlin’!

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