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 Kiska Ferdenova - Novice, 04.23.2016
Coco · 17 · Seventh · No Affiliation · In a Relationship · 5'3"
Head Girl
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Awards: 34

Mar 6 2016, 11:00 AM   Link Quote
Link to character workshop topic: (in attempting to view the topic mentioned, it states I do not have permission to do so...?) Kiska F. Ferdenova
Rank Applying For: Beginner
At least two of your recent role play topics:

how very nice of you - with JR Zerner
    On her way to attend a class she loathes, Kiska's bag splits at the seams, dumping the contents all over the corridor floor. Surprisingly enough, it's JR that comes to her aid in cleaning up and repairing it all while both have a plethora of thoughts about times past. A shorter, simpler topic that sets the basis for a friendship that drifted apart when both involved were younger with all the associated feelings of having that friendship fall off - frustration and uncertainty, and then resolve to try and get it back.
bravado & broken eggs - with Merle Cooper
    Roaming the halls, Kiss stumbles across a horrid smell and finds the culprit; a large, troll-like boy who is actually a very nice fellow who shares an interest in magical creatures. The initial surprise of seeing him bloodied and covered in a mess of egg gives way to pleasant conversation between the two even as Merle evades the truth behind what led him in to the castle.
Why you feel that you should move up: It's been a long time that I've had this one, but I do feel a have a basic grasp on this personality of hers. I'm looking forward to getting to expand and grow her more as well as put her into different situations that trial her different moods as opposed to the mild-mannered or more empathetic side that she has been displaying in her topics recently.

Note: When I first joined the JCink version of WR, I was granted Elite permission masks, since I was part staffer and my main character on IF was Elite. It is entirely at the current staff's discretion if they would like those masks to remain or remove them.

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mayo horse · 16 · 6 · · muggleborn · 5'10
Hufflepuff Novice
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1313
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Awards: 11

Mar 20 2016, 07:49 AM   Link Quote
Hello Coco! I'm Maison (obvs) and I'm here to be your profile reviewer for today. You seem to have the profile all set, so I'm just going to remind us of what we're looking for at this rank and then get started!

QUOTE
At the beginner rank, we are focused on building up your character. We will give you suggestions on how to expand your profiles and posts, particularly in regards to content, in order to gain as complete a picture of your character as possible. If you have a preliminary special request, we will give you suggestions for how you can incorporate that into your character moving forwards. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.) and spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post. Additionally, we'd like to see that you have made an effort to expand all areas of the profile (i.e. not just personality or not just history).


Cool? Cool.

Okay, so damn son, it's been a long time since you've last touched this profile. But nevertheless, I feel like you have a good start on the new!profile, and as far as I can tell from here, you've written at least a little more in the revision than you included in the application, and your grammar appears to be correct. So with all that stuff out of the way, I'm going to get onto content.

- personality:
I like the way that you've started it - no beating around the bush there. At the same time, this section gives me a feeling of barely scratching the surface of Kiska, because you've started giving us detail, but you haven't given detail to that detail, if that makes any sense. So...what comes of all this? How does it make her feel that her friends can walk away because she's closed off? Has she ever let her guard down to people not her younger brother? What is she like with people's she's just meeting? You've told us that she isn't overly frosty with new people, but what is she like instead? Tell us more about her more empathetic side, and times when it will or has come out, and what comes of that. And why? Do other people's feelings often cause her to drop her walls a little?

I'd also encourage you to delve into whys more as a general, like...why does she reject the idea of dating but flirt? Why does she think that's fun? And tell us more about her pranks? Like, if I looked at her, I wouldn't peg her for the kind of girl who liked to prank people, so I definitely want to hear more about that, and why she does it. You could also tell us some more about her sense of humour as well - so far she's coming off as a little cold, narrow minded, kind of...likes to play with people? So so it would be nice to hear more about this other side of her that seems more innocent and light hearted, if that doesn't sound totally left field of me to say. Similarly - because I'm going paragraph by paragraph right now - what kind of things does she read? What are her favourite or best classes, and her least favourite slash worst classes and why hasn't she ever considered that she could go down the route of one of those?

And then I just have more questions for you to consider - what does she do in her free time? What are her hobbies? What are her fears? ouo and her likes and dislikes and hates, and all things like that that will help us paint a more complete picture of Kiska as a character. You have a good base to work off, so now it's just a matter of pulling out all of the little details and weaving them in.

- appearance:
SO. GOOD START, but I want to hear more. You tell us about her hair, her eyes, her height, and that she looks like her mother, mostly, but people's appearances are so much more than that, which means there's so much more you could add :DD Like...the kind of clothes she wears, and the colours - does she like florals and short-shorts? Are skirts in her wardrobe, does she like to pull out dresses, does she like heels? What are her feelings about her appearance? Does she wear a lot of make-up? I think in general, I don't have much to say for specifics as much as I do suggesting things that to really show us what Kiska looks like by including all elements of her appearance, like her posture, her voice, her accent, how she walks and talks, and does she have any scars or bad skin or particularly stubby fingers that she hates? Does she like jewellery? We want to know, as short as this section was, but always feel free to grab me on Skype if you want any help with the kind of things you should write about if needed ouo

- history:
I am just going to quickly pause to point out 'Her mother had always wanted one, though, and she and her father were all too happy to set about working on that task.' sounds a little bit like it's Kiska's mother and Kiska's grandfather making a family. No big deal.

ALRIGHT. So again, it's a good start, definitely, but there's a lot you could expand on. I might roll into being slightly picky here, but I love history sections so you'll have to forgive me cx

Do her parents have names? What actually happened to her father? How did her parents meet? What are the names of all her siblings? Is Dmitri the only boy? What things happened in her childhood? Did she go to primary school? Did she have more of a magical or a muggle upbringing? Did she show magic at a young age and how? Which of her parents is the magical one, or are they both? How did that affect Kiska's perception of magic? Did Kiska ever, say, go on holiday to Russia? :DD

Also: YOU CAN'T JUST STOP THERE. COCO PLS. SHE'S A SEVENTH YEAR, THERE'S SO MUCH MORE YOU COULD BE TELLING US. What happened after that? Was she happy about it? And then she started Hogwarts with all her sisters and things were new? You could tell us about the train ride, her first year, everything that's happened in between then and now. What was her Sorting like? How did she get on in first year classes? Did she make friends easily? Did she make enemies? Did she like Hogwarts? Was there anything interesting happening in her fourth year, like skipping class? How were her owls? How is she finding newt classes? What about her pranks? And also don't be afraid to include some of the now!plotting kind of things, like what you have going on with people like JR, Merle, Kit, Tam, and your other threads. I want to know about all of these things. I think that's most of my advice - expand, expand, expand for this section, and then you'll be well on your way.

- posts:
Not what I'm here for, but I'm going to just skim them briefly and see if there's anything that I can comment on. You tend to have a good length to your posts, you give the other person enough to reply to, and honestly, your posts overall tend to read well and there are no glaring issues that I can see, which is cool ouo Although, in how very nice of you - if Kiska is going to class, shouldn't she be wearing uniform? That's about all I can think to comment on, so you're doing fine ouo

- verdict:
WE'RE AT THE END, and yeah, it's safe to say that I'm approving you and Kiska for beginner. Feel free to hit me up if there's anything you want to talk about re: what I said in here, or stuff like that but otherwise, congratulations and good luck with your post review ouo

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♔ king of kings
Tine · 16 · 6th · neutral · Pureblood · 5'7
Banned
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Awards:
Awards: 89

Mar 23 2016, 01:28 PM   Link Quote
Hello Coco, this is Tine and I will be your second reviewer today :3 Sorry for the wait, but we will do this quick now, as Maison already refreshed you on the requirements and gave some nice advice on your profile. I will have a closer look at your posts, content- and structure-wise and see what we can find there!

So, this is the first time I am reading threads with Kiska, and my first impression is that you are on a pretty good way already when it comes to posts. Grammar-wise I can't spot any errors and also no typos – at least nothing I stumbled upon. You offer a good post length and many opportunities for your rp-partners to react to. There is a nice balance between Kiska's inner and outer world, as we can see how she looks, what she things and what she is doing.

I like the dynamics in the first thread you used – the one with JR – because there is a certain melancholy swinging in those posts. I was kind of expecting her to have some more memories of their friendship as it was, too, just like the way JR had them. The fact she meets someone she already knows gives a great opportunity to learn more about Kiss, and I really adored the details you gave here, such as the bag she had for such a long time now and some of her thought processes that really show who Kiska is. I think this:

QUOTE
What good did an O get you when you were actually out and trying to make a living?


shows very well who she is and where she is going - and I just enjoyed reading it so let me drop it here for everyone else to admire, too.

The second thread you offer is a different situation, as she meets Merle for the first time and that in quite an unusual situation, but I definitely think we see a different side of her here, in her curiosity- and also a certain recklessness showing through. I also like how you referenced to your other threads, because this is a great way to build up and introduce arcs of course.

Before I went through your post I checked your profile as well, and I like how the things you point out about her, like that certain cynicism and how she does not open up easily to others – even to an old friend – shows well in the way you write her. The Kiska we see in your posts is the same you talk about in your profile, and they match well together which shows you already know who she is, and want to share that knowledge with everyone else, too.

For your next ranking step, I would like to see more reaction from Kiska: Does she have any habits when she is nervous, does she fiddle with her hair or bite her lip, how does her posture shift when she talks to someone – and how does it change depending on the people she is talking to, such as an old friend, maybe a professor? While does are also things you can include in your profile edit, I feel like posts are a great opportunity to show instead of tell only. You already chose two very different people for the threads you used for ranking, but I would encourage you to vary your partners even more: Throw Kiss at a professor, some peers, girls and boys equally, people from different houses. You could have her interact with a younger student - she has sisters, therefore that would be interesting to see how she deals with ickles!

I said I would make it short and here we are. I definitely think you are at Beginner level with your posts and your profile, therefore I APPROVE you for BEGINNER, congrats and feel free to ask me if you have any questions <3

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Coco · 17 · Seventh · No Affiliation · In a Relationship · 5'3"
Head Girl
Offline
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8206
Awards:
Awards: 34

Apr 23 2016, 09:14 PM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Novice
At least three of your recent role play topics: (I'm going to include a lot here and I am sorry.)

Plotting with Oisin Woodbane
  • Gravitational Pull: This is the first in a series of bump-into topics for Oisin and Kiska. In this one, Kiss attempts to climb a bookshelf to obtain a book she needs to actually begin buckling down, the weight of what comes after Hogwarts carrying heavily on her mind. In doing so, she falls directly into the arms of the helpful Slytherin and they have a mild back and forth.
  • Gryffindor Victory: After Gryffindor wins against Ravenclaw, Kiss struggled with maintaining her balance as she stands on the bleachers. One good jostle from a fellow supporter later, and she ends up using Oisin again to remain upright while contemplating why she can't seem to remain on her own two feet around him. They have a short, more playful interaction this time.
  • Gryffindor versus Slytherin: For this, I have included the specific links to the post in this match because oh my goodness you cannot go through 300+ replies to find hers. It's not the best to reference for writing capabilities, but there are ongoing references to Oisin that coincide with this plotline. One. Two. Three.
Plotting with River Donati
  • Wit & Charm: Disclaimer: This is an owl, and I know they do not count. But I thought it important to include because it sets the basis for their very first interaction as well as the occasional sass that Kiss can possess - and yes, there is a good bit of with and charm going back and forth.
  • Puddles & Lakes: The first face-to-face meeting between this two, it was great fun to write out. There is a lot of careful maneuvering in terms of comebacks and observation from both sides so as not to give anything away about themselves, or at least too much, and it shows both the wall that Kiss likes to have up as well as a touch of the empathetic side that gets drawn out from time to time.
  • Patching the Cracks: I really enjoyed working on this topic; it shows the emotional, uncontrolled side of Kiss that I haven't delved too far into before. The rage aspect lasts for only a moment, but the confusion and uncertainty and eventual opening up was fun to explore. Essentially, she loses her mind entirely for a good minute and River happens across her. Between back and forth, she opens up and eases around him, much more so than she would have thought possible.
General Topics - I know I'm going overboard; these are just additional to show that I do have more topics than just with the two characters/roleplayers above.
  • Open Up My Eager Eyes: With Kit Kotov – after breaking the ice in a very interesting way in an effort to appease a friend and make a new one, Kiss and Kit agree to further teach each other a language. Kit begins work on improving her Russian an Kiska begins work on improving his English. There’s uncertainty in her ability to educate and a hopefulness that he can help her to improve to help alleviate underlying feelings that she’s disappointing her mother.
  • Just Keep Swimming: With Kyler Standfford – after a bit of frustration with her classes, Kiss seeks out the secluded pool to burn off some energy when the weather outside is uncooperative. In doing so, a friend of a few years stumbles across her and they have easy conversation amongst themselves.
  • All Out Lost: With JR Zerner – after embarking on the journey for the ‘Bigs’ to Hogsmeade, Kiss is pretty quick to get lost in the woods. Who should she happen to find? JR, of course, and a mess of feelings and frustrations are ahead.
Commentary: I thoroughly enjoy writing Kiss, whether in her more typical stumble-into situations with people or ones that are more emotionally taxing. Getting her into those more emotionally taxing situations has been great fun, too, and is an opportunity to throw her a little off kilter and learn how she responds. I feel I’m true to her personality and getting to know her better myself and even though I know it’s not looked at in this stage, I took all (I believe?) of the suggestions Mayo provided for her profile and expounded on them. There is much I have learned from her history and much I have included in her personality that I see taking shape in her posts all the time.


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Tine · 16 · 6th · neutral · Pureblood · 5'7
Banned
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764
4330
Awards:
Awards: 89

May 7 2016, 02:02 PM   Link Quote
Hi Coco, it's me again and today we'll look at Kiska for Novice rank, yay! Let's check the requirements before we get started on your listed threads, as this rank is based on posts only.

QUOTE
• At least 9 posts by your character over 3 threads.
• Some variation in who you're posting with (ie. threads should not all be with the same character).
• The beginnings of a long-term plot arc, or at least an idea of where you would like to see your character move towards.
• A special request (if you'd like one) and your justification for the request. Make sure to highlight any changes you have made between Beginner and now.
• At Novice, we are focused on consistency in character and writing. At this stage, we will take a break from your profile, and look solely at your character’s threads and plots, with a focus on your character as they have now had time to interact with others. Having had time to develop your character, you should be comfortable writing some common situations they find themselves in. Grammar, spelling, and punctuation should also be consistently correct at this stage, if not always perfect.


Looks fine, so here we go! I have been looking at your threads last time already, so that's also very convenient to begin with :3

Oisin:
I like the arc you have started here with Oisin for Kiska, and the setting for the first thread is a very amusing one. I think throughout these posts, there are different sides of Kiska visible – the one when she is musing all by herself and how she reacts to new people and later on to those she coincidentally meets again. The reoccuring motives and the house pride she is showing are great to read, and I enjoy the effort you put into the spectator posts for the games – I'm just a sucker for sideline plots at Quidditch so you have a fan here.

River:
This is an interesting plot line as it starts so differently from the one with Oisin, and shows Kiss in a different environment too. I'm glad you included the owl as it offers enough background knowledge to go with when reading the threads, and I think it is obvious you enjoyed writing those posts. Your length, choice of words and descriptions of both Kiska's emotions and environment are very detailed, and I enjoyed reading those a lot. The uncontrolled side of Kiss is one that surprises, yet fits the one you described in your profile when I last read it.

General topics:
You offer a great range of different situations, from an insecure Kiss who wants to teach and learn, to her in an unfamiliar environment with familiar people. I like how you respond well even to posts that do not match the length you offer and give your partners enough to respond to as well.

All in all, I can definitely see some improvement from your Beginner ranking already and how you started building relationships for Kiska – with old friends and new friends, too, and some not-so-much-of-a-friend people. You have started fleshing her out and began some arcs for her, with a steady voice in different situations. Your balance of inner and out happenings is very good, and I really admire your choice of words and the way you put sentences together. I still would like to see her interacting with some female or younger students, and/or a teacher to see how she is reacting towards them – we have seen her in and out of her comfort zone, but I feel like even more variety than you already offer is still possible. She seems to deal with a lot of things with herself, but would she seek out help – help that goes deeper than getting a book from a shelf, as she does not seem like a shy girl ;3

Verdict:
I won't drag this out too long now, I see you enhanced your writing and you definitely developed Kiska further, and while reading your threads, it's obvious you enjoy writing her and you put effort into those posts. I can see a pattern in your posts and the style that comes with it, and I like it. While there is of course always room for even more improvement, I think you are at Novice level with your threads and will therefore APPROVE you, good luck with your next review <3

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Lily · 13 · 3rd · GUILD · ·
Ravenclaw Elite.
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351
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Awards: 25

May 9 2016, 08:57 PM   Link Quote
SUP COCO. Lily here with your second review!! Tine did the shebang with the requirements so I'm just gonna get started right away. c:

It's actually been a long time since I've really focused on reading your writing, but skimming through your Oisin plot brought back so many memories, aha. So let's preface this with the fact that I really enjoy your writing style; it's so distinctly you and I think that comes through as a result of all the work you've done in the past, and it's really pretty much way ahead of Novice level, so (at the risk of literally exploding your ego) don't stress about your prose, whatever you're doing to write Kiska is clearly working. The way you write her is so playful and kind of musing, but she's, at the same time, not unaware of her surroundings and is able to process them cleanly -- or at least, you describe things very cleanly, and your threads a really enjoyable to read as a result.

SO... that being said, let's take a closer look at your plot arcs.

oisin

There's not a lot for me to say here except that I'm really enjoying the back and forths and like, these quick little conversations between Kiska and Oisin. A lot of Kiska's personality comes through just in how you write her -- her thoughts, etc, I've said this already! so I'll stop repeating myself -- and it's just very fun to read and figure out where the two of them are headed and what their next run-in is going to entail.

With regards to the posts themselves, I think something you can try playing around with more is just pacing -- you have this super even sense of pacing going on right now, and you're able to perpetuate the energy of the thread even if your posts get lengthier, but I'd encourage you to ... take more time at some parts, and try to bring up the pace at other points? Let the more free-spirited side of Kiska come through not just in the actions you describe but how you're describing them, if that makes sense! I think there will be more of a spark™ in your posts and make Kiska even more lively. It feels better in your second Oisin thread for sure, so as you get more familiar with Jinx's writing and how Oisin and Kiss interact, I'm sure you'll get even more comfortable with being more playful, etc.

river

Like you've said, we see a bit of a different Kiska here, but she's still consistent enough to obviously keep true to herself!! The distinction is still refreshing and fun to read, though, and I'm super fond of the dynamic beween Kiss and River, especially since we get to see some heavier (more saturated?? something like that) emotions as opposed to the milder exchanges between her and Oisin!! I'm looking forward to where you guys might take this plot! WILL THE ROSE COME BACK. WILL THE THEMES CONTINUE. Again, there's not much to say here, especially since you've given me such nice, long threads to read -- and they weren't boring, either, I really did enjoy reading them!!

For something like this, which has been more fleshed out than the Oisin plot, I think really just keep doing what you've been doing! If you plan to delve into those more overpowering emotions again, though, try and consider having them come out a little more forcefully? Right now it feels to me like you're more comfortable with the natural tone of your writing -- which is great! -- and now I think would be a good time to focus, maybe, on your verb usage, and syntax in general so you can push and pull with the mood (and again, pacing) of your posts. What you have right now is great for Novice, but as you start/continue to really shove Kiska out of her comfort zone, I really want to see those fiery Gryffindor traits bleeding out of her.

misc threads

Not much to add here -- I do want to just point out that I think her thread with Kit is super cute and I actually am really interested in this whole Kiss-tries-to-recover-her-Russian-roots sort of thing so if you plan on doing anything more with that, definitely have fun!! Like Tine said, I like that you've placed Kiss in a multitude of situations.

---

As you move forward in your development of Kiska, definitely consider varying the types of characters she's threading with -- females, like Tine said, would be great, especially considering Kiska's family, etc; I'd also like to see some sort of ?? tension, maybe? with these characters, and some more established relationships (friends, enemies, anything really) would be fun to see and plot out. I'm really looking forward to where you will take Kiss next, and you're definitely doing a great job, so with that, I'm going to approve Kiska for Novice. Congrats, and if you have any questions/comments/concerns, feel free to contact me!!!

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@Kiska Ferdenova

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✕    POUR ME A HEAVY DOSE OF ATMOSPHERE
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