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 Tori Deveaux-Carroll - Novice
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Apr 29 2017, 09:30 PM   LINK Quote
Rank Applying For: Beginner
Link to character workshop topic: link
At least two of your recent role play topics: Skeletons in Your Closet and Safety Blanket
Commentary: I'm really concerned about repetition of words and sentence structure so feedback on that would be appreciated but honestly I'm pretty uncertain about my skills in general so feel free to comment on anything you want.

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Charlie Cooper


4AM knows all my secrets


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May 10 2017, 05:11 PM   LINK Quote
IT'SA MOUSE. I'm Charlie and you know me! I'm here to welcome you to the ranking system with your first review! So just have a seat and relax -- I know this must be super unnerving!

Let's take a look at what is required for beginner:

QUOTE
  • At least 4 posts by your character over 2 threads. Your most recent post must be made within three months of the date of your application.
  • Have your character profile in the workshop with at least one revision of each section posted by you. (If you choose not to include an appearance section at sorting, you must include it when you post your workshop profile, and then provide a subsequent revision for this rank).
  • At the beginner rank, we are focused on building up your character. We will give you suggestions on how to expand your profiles and posts, particularly in regards to content, in order to gain as complete a picture of your character as possible. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.) and spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post. Additionally, we'd like to see that you have made an effort to expand all areas of the profile (i.e. not just personality or not just history).


It looks like everything is in order, so we're going to dive right in! I'm here to talk specifically about the structure and characterisation of your posts and workshop profile, while the second review is going to focus on things like plot development and content.

In your posts, I love the tone of your posts and just how consistently you tell us what's going on with Tori both inside and out. You spend a lot of time floating in and out of Tori's head almost seamlessly. She strikes me as such a well-developed character, with a consistent voice and feelings. I never read a post and find myself going 'well that doesn't make sense' or 'that's not very like Tori!' She is very much her and her perception of the world is very engaging. Additionally, the flow in your posts between internal and external reads really naturally, and I love how you sprinkle in details about her history with Elias and her grandfather! You should absolutely keep this up and continue honing the transitions between the internal and the external. Keep finding connections between her past, her feelings, and the present. Those little details make your characterisation of Tori really strong. She comes across as a living, breathing girl with a lot of pain hiding behind those sunny smiles. She sounds very much like the girl I read about in your profile, and is overall very consistent! I found your comparison to an asteroid burning up in the atmosphere to be particularly strong, and I want to encourage you to continue that metaphor. Metaphors really help a character jump off of the page screen, and I think you weave them in really naturally. Your sense of balance is lovely.

Your transitions between paragraphs in your posts also have a natural flow to them. They're a wonderful read, and I found myself following her train of thought and reactions really easily, because you created a very good picture with a strong sense of balance. Your writing style is consistent, and I don't really read a lot of repetition in your word choice. In your profile I think you could do with a few more swaps of pronouns (badger, redhead, hufflepuff, sixth year, etc) but overall I think you have a very good understanding of how to vary your sentences and syntax! None of it gets old or boring, and I found myself very engaged as I was reading! Though, I did notice that sometimes you seemed to be struggling to avoid repetition a liiiitttle too much. The sentence "A constant smile whenever people might be looking, from the moment she opens her curtains in the morning to the moment she closes them and collapses on her bed" reads awkwardly. It's almost as though you're trying to avoid her or she, but in doing so, the grammar is thrown off and the statement comes out odd. It's okay to say "Tori wears a constant smile," or "A constant smile always graces her lips," or something like that! I think you'll find that some of your sentences will read a little less awkwardly if you just let yourself use your pronouns, but you have a very good sense of variation and sentence structure in general, and you should be proud of yourself!

One thing that stood out to me as something you could work on, was in your structuring of dialogue. As the thread with Elias went on, Tori was reacting to every single line of dialogue with a line of her own. Now it's definitely important to give your rp partner something to react to, but in an emotional scene like this, the result is that sometimes two or even three very disjointed conversations start to take place.

There's a conversation where they're talking happily about dueling, one about her internship, and another where she lets out a burst of emotion about muggles and his father all in the same post. Sometimes these multi-tiered conversations aren't a big deal at all, but the scene needs to be pretty even, with a consistent tone. With all the right callbacks, multi-tiered exchanges can definitely read naturally. BUT, when the scene turns dramatic, the tone of the post becomes a bit all over the place. Everyone keeps responding to dialogue in the order it comes out, and until someone abandons the first conversation, the disjointedness persists. A pleasant exchange maintains even while drama is happening in the second conversation.

I encourage you to not linger on the pleasant conversation while your character is getting emotional in the second one. Now I'm not encouraging you to ignore your rp partner's dialogue, but you can respond to it in different ways! You can keep the response dialogue-free to avoid falling into the multi-tier trap (e.g. Tori looks like she's not that keen on practicing dueling with Elias and REFLECTS on not being a great duelist, but doesn't manage to tell him so.) Or, you can respond to the last bit of dialogue first before calling back to what was said previously. Doing this is a great way to avoid second conversation syndrome, and will help you keep your tone consistent. If Tori had, for example, reacted with "Them?" first and exploded at Elias about his purism and his father, it would very much change the tone of her saying she doesn't want his help with dueling. She's reacting to both bits of dialogue so nothing goes ignored, but the tone of the scene remains even, and the pleasant conversation is vanquished in favor of the conflict and maintaining a consistent atmosphere throughout.

This technique can be applied to all dialogue really, but I think it's something that will definitely help you with your overall structuring of posts. It will help you keep control over what's going on in the scene itself, and keep the focus where you want it to be. All it needs is a mindset where you don't simply go "A, B, C," and instead consider other ways of attacking dialogue and the events of your partner's post!

Taking a look at the structure of your profile, I feel like you would benefit from adapting a similar 'break free' mindset. First I think it's important to acknowledge that you have made some lovely expansions in this first revision of your profile. Most of the issues that stood out to me in your sorting app were smoothed over during your rewrite so it all reads much better! Your sorting app had sort of a 'listy' feel due to the repetition; the rhythm and tone didn't have enough variation because the sentences were more or less the same length, but you've really gone in and edited things! Great job! You're playing with your sentence structures and how you compose your paragraphs, so keep up the good work! Continue to play, continue to vary! I can see that you've spent a good amount of time on this, and that's really one of the best things you can do. Even if things aren't perfect, when the effort is obvious, that speaks volumes.

What I want you to do for future revisions is think about how you can make the variation further break away from everything that starts to feel listy. The best way you can do this is with more transitional sentences! More transitions between subjects will give you a better and more natural flow to the overall workshop. For example, you start your second paragraph of your appearance with: "Her hair is her second feature." I feel like you want to say her hair is the second feature people notice, but when you've listed it out as her second feature period, it starts to give things that 'listy' feel again, as if you have specific bullet points about these features you're trying to hit, rather than a cohesive portrait that you're trying to paint. Similarly, the opener of your third paragraph leads with "And then finally they notice the rest," and while I love starting on an 'And' for dramatic purposes, it feels very abrupt in this case. Mostly because it feels like a bullet point rather than a transition. The reason it doesn't feel like a transition, is because in your first two paragraphs, you never mention a "they" or an outside observer -- you start with Tori. She is the primary subject. You don't say 'the first thing people notice about Tori is her freckles," you say "the most noticeable feature that Tori has is her freckles." See the difference?

I want you to consider breaking free from this bullet point mindset and focus on how all the paragraphs of her appearance fit together to create one picture. Your first two paragraphs are focused on her freckles and her hair. You're all upper half of the body there, so you can go from describing her skin, to her hair, to how her hair frames those freckled cheeks with a very easy transition! Bam! All of a sudden, you're talking about her face. A perfect place to put her smile and her eyes! Right now they're the start of the third paragraph, which then jumps into talking about her overall build. These are two very different subjects, when paragraphs should try to stick to one overall subject or thought. That's not to say eyes and smile need separate paragraphs each, but that in the overall description of her face you could include both! I know I've talked a lot about the structure of the appearance specifically, but this is the area that struggles with transitions the most. Your personality and history have a much more natural feel to them.

Overall, I think if you bring some of the beautiful flow of your posts into your profile, you'll find it reads a lot more nicely. A workshop creates an overall picture of a character, and it doesn't need to be broken up so rigidly between appearance, personality, and history. Personality shows itself in how someone walks, talks, and carries themselves, and appearances never stay the same. People are living, changing beings, and those changes reflect rich histories, whether they have the pristine, silken hands of a pampered pureblood, or the calloused palms and dirty fingernails of someone hands-on. History informs personality too -- it shapes characters into who they are now, so I would encourage you to sprinkle details from one section into another. I think you can connect Tori to the Deveaux family as early as her appearance beyond a locket, talking about what features she might share with them vs her muggle father. In her personality, you can describe how she feels about them and how their views have shaped her own. Their influence in her history is obvious of course, but this is a way to make the profile more interconnected!

WHEW. I know I've been going on forever by now, but it's about time to wrap things up! My final note is to remind you to proofread! There were a few sentences where words were missed or edited out, and a few changes to her history were missed (Cole, for example, survived a little bit of the revision process!) BUT proof reading is a thing we all struggle with. I think the Tori you write about is well thought out and consistent, and your writing style is extremely engaging. Your characterisation and structure are absolutely at beginner level if not above, so I am happy to say I APPROVE you and Tori Deveaux-Carroll for BEGINNER! Congratulations, and good luck with your next review!

If you have any questions about anything I've said, please feel free to give me a poke!

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the oncoming storm | 05 CHARLIE COOPER
hufflepuff | loyalty, endurance, true victory

{ workshop plotter }

Serenity Gong


you've seen me lose all the water from my hands


Qi Profile Plotter Tracker Ranking Extra Info Etc

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May 13 2017, 06:38 PM   LINK Quote
Hey Mouse! It's me, Qi, here with your second review! Charlie has already given you the requirements necessary for beginner and you've passed those with flying colors, so hopefully now I can jump in and give you some advice on content and plots. I'll try to keep my remarks brief on the structure and characterization end, as Charlie has already given you lots to consider there.

Honestly, I just want to start all this by saying I love Tori as a character thus far, and what I love even more is just how much potential she has to develop further.

I think Charlie is absolutely right in saying that there is a certain bullet proof mindset to how you're approaching a lot of the profile. A simple laundry list isn't always a bad thing, but, at least in my opinion, there's a certain lifelessness to that kind of structure that doesn't fully engage the reader. I think what might really help you here is to think more about the whole picture. Obviously, when we look at people, there is going to be a certain physical trait about them that stands out. For Tori, it's probably going to be her hair or her freckles as you've already pointed out. But I think it's good to frame those traits within the context of her as a person. Maybe you can talk about how her hair and freckles frame the rest of her face, or the way her hair bounces when she's walking around, or anything like that. Mix it up a little bit!

Also, give me more when it comes to the rest of her appearance. There's definitely more to be said about Tori than what can fill up a single paragraph! How does she dress? What's her posture like? Does she have any little mannerisms or habits like tapping her fingers against her chin? Appearance can be more than just simply the bare bones of what a person looks like. How does she behave around different groups of people like her friends or her professors? Also, you talk a lot in her personality about how she smiles a lot even if she doesn't mean it, and I'd love to see some of that interwoven into the appearance section as well. There's a lot of nuance to a smile, whether it's one that's genuine or one that just has to be put on for the sake of polite company.

Personality wise, I love everything that you've written, and I don't have any specific suggestions as to what you should expand on. In general though, a good approach is to always ask "why". If there's something that you don't understand yet about Tori, or that you have yet to figure out, you should always delve deeper by questioning further. Again, this might help you break free from the list-like mold that Charlie and I have both already pointed out. You can talk about or reference her history in her personality if it helps you understand why she has so much dormant anger inside her. Never be afraid to push further than your current understanding, because odds are you haven't hit rock bottom of what you can learn about a certain character.

I say this to everyone at beginner: Don't forget to talk more about Tori's time at Hogwarts! Obviously this isn't something that will automatically happen because plotting will fill in all those years eventually, but it is a good idea to go back in and add in any significant events or relationships that have occurred in the 6 years that she's been at school. Also I would personally like a bit more about Tori's relationship with her mother. Reading that passage over, I'm not 100% sure as to whether Tori currently knows what happened (like maybe her brother told her) or if she's still in the dark about it and only remembers a few scattered things here and there. Also, I'd like to know more about her relationship with her older brother! Thomas seems like a really interesting person, and while this history is obviously about Tori, talking at length about her brother might allow you to learn a few things about her in the process. After all, we're shaped by our relationships with other people.

Post content wise, there's not too much I can say. You're obviously a great writer and anything constructive I want to focus on is more related to structure and grammar and has already been very well said by Charlie. So instead I'm going to talk more about where you can go plot wise. Obviously these are just suggestions and I'm not here to dictate how you should develop Tori or in what direction you should take said development. I just think some of what I mention below might be interesting/might help you a bit.

Obviously, because you mention her wanting to be a healer, I hope that you have a few threads involving her in healing activities! Maybe she can talk to Madam Breen, or maybe she can put her skills to use in an actual healing environment. I'm very curious to see how Tori's views and attitude toward healing manifest themselves when she's in an actual situation where she has to use her abilities rather than just the abstract. Wanting to cure people is a very...idealistic line of thinking, and I'd like to see how that idealism translates in actual situations with other characters. Maybe it'll help her. Maybe it'll hinder her. Who knows.

Also, throw her in situations where you get to explore her emotions more! Tori is very nuanced when it comes to expressing herself, and she more often than not hides the way she really feels, and I'd like to see situations where she has a very hard time deceiving others and herself. I'd also like to see more situations where she's just enjoying herself! The threads you've given us here are really nice, but I also want to see what Tori is like when she's with her friends! Does she take the initiative socially? Does she go along with what everyone else does?

Anyways, I've prattled on long enough, so let's get to it: I APPROVE you and Tori Deveaux-Carroll for BEGINNER! Congratulations!

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Jun 16 2017, 07:31 PM   LINK Quote
Rank Applying For: Novice
At least three of your recent role play topics:
Tori and Thanatos
I guess I'm going to start with these two. They've technically known of each other since childhood, but due to animosity between their respective families, they've never actually interacted. All Tori knows of Thanatos is what her grandfather has told her, vague warnings about how he's a Helstrom and all Helstroms are dark wizards and she believes him mostly at face value but also because of the nasty personalities of Than's siblings.

even beautiful lies burn in the truth shoves them together in their first real meeting. During what was supposed to be a quiet day interning at the Hospital Wing, Thanatos stumbles in and Tori has to heal him, but the task itself is made sort of difficult with her grandfather's warnings playing in her mind. By the end of it though, the hufflepuff starts to wonder if maybe there's more to the ravenclaw boy than she previously thought.

Of course, that doesn't stop her from trying her best to avoid him, and aside from a brief encounter during the last quidditch game, the two haven't crossed paths. Until sheer coincidence throws them together again in I Can Taste the Rain on your Lips shortly after the end of the Deveaux Ball. While still wary of her grandfather's rules and words, Tori has become more curious about Thanatos. She's openly engaging him in conversation and is more willing to believe that he might actually be a good person. This is rather confusing for her however, as she's never known her grandfather to be wrong or to lie. Still, she's open to giving Thanatos a chance and his kind nature is sparking a bit of a crush from her. If she was a fan of Shakespeare, she might notice how dangerously close to Romeo and Juliet she's getting.

Tori and Will
Totally About the X-Men is a fun little thread taking place immediately after Bring Out the Skeletons in Your Closet (linked in my previous ranking app). Will tries to get Tori to let down her walls and actually experience her own emotions, encouraging her to talk about what's bothering her with others and at the same time trying to get her to see herself as her friends see her. While not immediately noticeable in the thread, his words do mean a lot to her and she tends to think back on them from time to time (small example of that). She gets a chance to really let her feelings out here and it gives her an opportunity to grow from the experience, if she chooses to.

Tori and Anora
so take another breath is a very unfinished thread, but I want to put it in here as well because it has a lot of meaning for Tori's character even in the two short posts I've got there currently. Tori and Anora had been close childhood friends in their younger years, but over time they drifted apart. Even being placed in the same house and being in the same year hadn't helped to pull them closer together again and Tori blames herself for their separation. After running into her distant friend by accident, she realizes that her relationship with Anora isn't going to magically fix itself and tries to do something to amend it even though it might be too late.

*** SPECIAL REQUEST ***
Ability: Seer

Where will this ability apply? Hogwarts and Clash

From whom did your character inherit this ability from? Valentin Lenoir (her maternal grandmother's paternal grandfather). He was not a widely known or celebrated Seer as he did not have much gift for it, but he did make himself a name as a Name Seer,

Describe your character's skill in this ability: Tori's visions are correct about 85% of the time (though I do plan on making sure that other people are alright with Tori having visions concerning their characters and letting them know what I'm planning for the vision in case they want to change something prior to ever posting anything concerning them)
Do your best to describe how this ability functions for your character: The ability to See the future comes as visions for Tori. Typically these visions appear while she is asleep; as a child she would often think they were only dreams but has since realized that there is a distinct difference between her dreams and her visions. Her visions tend to wake her up, she also remembers them long after she has woken up whereas with a dream she rarely ever remembers what it was about even ten minutes later.

How will this ability benefit your character? Or how do you plan to use this ability for development? Tori already has a noted dislike for divination and prophecies in her threads, however I plan to use the ability to actually See to enhance that dislike and give it some more background and reasoning. The unique nature of her visions (only being able to see negative things) would cause her to force herself to be more cheerful and upbeat. Her need to fight against a set future would give her more reason to be optimistic and constantly trying to find the bright side of things. It also gives her more reason to interact with other characters who she might normally not have thought to speak with in order to try and circumvent something she saw. Of course, I do want to have her some across visions that she simply cannot change no matter how hard she tries to force her to learn to accept that she isn't able to fix everything (playing into her need to "heal" anyone she comes across that's hurting) and help her accept that sometimes life is just plain unfair and you can't do anything to fix that.

Anything Else? The first visions Tori can remember involved her grandmother's death and her mother's funeral. As such, she has a strong dislike of anything to do with Seeing and divination. Her dislike has devolved into a near hatred for her own ability which has greatly impacted what she Sees. The negative emotions she connects with her visions works on a subconscious level and only allows her to See something that would be considered bad. This can range from something as innocent as breaking a quill or failing a test to something more serious like someone's girlfriend cheating on them or a classmate breaking their arm. However, her visions never focus on her, she will only See the future of someone else

Commentary: if the feeling says tori should rank up u go with it. DON'T FIGHT THE FEELING But really, I feel like while Tori has a long way to go still, she has developed character-wise since the last time we were here at this thread. I've come to understand the nuances of her emotions a bit more as well as her nervous habits and ticks. Her past at Hogwarts is being colored in more by giving her friends she's met since riding the train back when she was 11. Her threads are also becoming more dynamic and while only some of them are connected to a larger arc in her life, they're all working to help me understand her character more and bring her to life.
That being said, I am curious as to how you think I'm doing in regards to Charlie's tips about conversations and reacting to others in my posts. A lot of my posts I've made since last time I've tried to keep what she said in mind. I've also listened to Qi and tried to give Tori some more threads with little bits of healing sprinkled in and others where she can really face her own emotions.

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Aleksander Daskalov


The bloodbath of Bulgaria, the bastard of Ballycastle.


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Jun 16 2017, 10:38 PM   LINK Quote


Application Accepted!

Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.

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Erik Dwight


I'll be your breath if you can be mine.


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Jun 21 2017, 09:49 AM   LINK Quote
Hi Mouse, I’m Tine and I didn’t have the pleasure to review our plot with you yet, so let’s just change that right away. But before we are going to start, we have to tick off the requirements for Novice. Here we go:

QUOTE
  • At least 9 posts by your character over 3 threads.
  • Some variation in who you're posting with (ie. threads should not all be with the same character).
  • The beginnings of a long-term plot arc, or at least an idea of where you would like to see your character move towards.
  • A special request (if you'd like one) and your justification for the request. Make sure to highlight any changes you have made between Beginner and now.
  • At Novice, we are focused on consistency in character and writing.  At this stage, we will take a break from your profile, and look solely at your character’s threads and plots, with a focus on your character as they have now had time to interact with others. Having had time to develop your character, you should be comfortable writing some common situations they find themselves in. Grammar, spelling, and punctuation should also be consistently correct at this stage, if not always perfect.


That looks fine. So, there’s no profile to look at and I will be starting right away with your posts. But before I take a look at the content, I want to give you some suggestions concerning structuring your arcs if you choose to rank further. I can see the appeal of sorting posts by character, but an arc usually does not consist of one character only - most arcs do include more, so it will hinder you in your progression eventually when you do it like this. So my point is that for future revisions, try split your threads by arcs instead of characters - you do not necessarily have to give them a poetic name, but it will help both you and your reviewers to see where you are going <3

Anyway, we’re starting with Thanatos here. I did not read your writing that intensively until now and I have to say that I adore how you involve every single sense possible - you talk about noises and scents and textures, and I live for these things because they make the whole situation very vivid - especially considering the first thread takes places in the Hospital Wing which is (at least in my mind) a place where a lot of odd impressions rain down on someone. Your metaphors for the sounds are also very pretty, so let me just give a quick example here:

QUOTE
The small clink as she placed an item back in its proper spot was like a cymbal crashing to the young hufflepuff.


Beautiful. I also like the setup of the scene and how Tori kind of has to jump over her own shadow in order to deal with Thanatos - which she does in an awesome way, despite what she had been taught about him. I think it really shows a good handle on your character to throw her in difficult situations and see how she reacts - and in my opinion, it all comes every naturally with Tori.

QUOTE
Standing underneath the awning, she stared out at the Southern Rose Garden, watching the light rain fall and breathing deeply. She sort of wished she could be like the rain, falling down and bringing life, sinking into the earth and touching plants and not have anything to do with politics and plans.


Here is just another very pretty quote from your second thread with Thanatos. You have such a great way to describe her surroundings while never losing focus of Tori herself, and I love it so, so much. Excuse me while I fangirl. I am really looking forward to what you two are going to do with Tori and Thanatos, because this thread has such a cute atmosphere, and I like how they are slowly - and once again every naturally - warming up to each other.

I love continuation, so I do love seeing continued plot lines from previous ranks. Here were are, right at Tori and William. As you can see, I am breezing through your threads and will give more general advice later. I like how the title here stands in such a contrast to the content because I expected something light and then you hit me straight in the feels. I have to praise your variety of both characters and different situations here, and you offer an amazing post length - almost especially when Tori is agitated in one way or another, which is very nice. Your class post shows how well you are linking your different threads with each other by mentioning the characters that have a connection to Tori, and I am always happy about these little mentions. You are doing very well with her indeed, and I am not even through this!

But we are indeed already at the last thread with Anora. A quick note, having unfinished threads in your apps is really not an issue, as many people rank after than they finish a thread. So a general rule to go by is always that if any progression or a direction is shown, unfinished threads do work - I am pretty sure most people have more unfinished than finished threads. So if that was ever a question that bothered you, there you go <3 I also really enjoyed your detailed descriptions of your threads, because it helps to picture the scene you were writing out instead of being thrown straight into a plot.

This last thread - together with the others - shows me how well you are displaying Tori’s personality and history in her threads, always offering bits of it to the reader, which is beautiful. I really don’t have much of advice for you content-wise, because you have a great grip on Tori and I enjoy reading your posts a lot. They appear very wholesome to me, you balance inner and outer happenings and there is really not much to complain about.

If anything, I will comment on technical things I noticed. Given your posts are enormous, I am really impressed by your lack of typos, and there were barely any of them. I won’t pick out every single one of the four I found at all, and it is nothing dramatic. More missing letters like that one:

QUOTE
Was it her imagination or had the ravenclaw's reaction to her change?


It would be changed in this case. Something else which might be an aesthetic thing is that I personally see the houses - and the members of the houses capitalised, while in the quote I used above, you did not do it. I don’t think there is a rule concerning it, but generally things like Hufflepuff or even Quidditch are capitalised as names. As I said, just something I noticed. You have a great vocabulary at hand, but at times you slip into a slightly monotonous pattern of your sentence structures. I noticed in Totally about the X-Men that almost every paragraph started with she. I personally try to avoid that and read over it, trying to give most paragraphs a different start. The same goes for the content of a paragraph, and here’s an example I took from So take another breath:

QUOTE
She had grabbed a purse before she left, shoving her money bag inside of it. She wouldn't normally have grabbed that for a simple walk, but at the time she had thought nothing of it. She still thought nothing of it.


Especially pronouns like she can easily be replaced by synonyms, while the second option is always to change the order of the single parts of each sentences. I think because you are writing every well and your posts flow so nicely, I noticed the parts when they didn’t - so don’t worry about it too much, but keep an eye on it.

That was it so far already. Arc-wise, I can see that Tori and Thanatos will sure have a bit of future plotting ahead, and I would like so see this continued. You could also think of where you want to take her in the future, and involve more characters - adults your friendly neighbourhood Hufflepuff Head of House -nudgenudge-. You definitely took the advice that has been given to you and executed it beautifully.

Now, let’s not stretch this too long and head to your special request: First of all I think your justification comes across as very legitimate and I like the twist you are giving the ability by focusing on negative things only. My only point of pondering would be how reliable her visions are, as 85 % is pretty high set. I would also like to see how she learns to deal with these visions, as I think it is nothing you can just accept as a given - or at least I think that as someone who has a seer as well. Nevertheless, I will APPROVE your request, and while I am at it I will also happily APPROVE you and @Tori Deveaux-Carroll for NOVICE.Congrats and good luck with your second review! If you have any questions, feel free to pm me or poke me on skype <3

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Jun 24 2017, 05:32 PM   LINK Quote
Heey Mouse! I’m Annie and I’m going to be your second reviewer today! Tine has already put up the requirements for us because she’s beautiful and we love her, so let’s get started!

So, I can’t say that I’ve had the pleasure of reading Tori’s posts before, but I’m excited to see where you’re going to take her just based on what I’ve read so far! I do want to echo Tine in her recommendation, though: in the future, it might be easier to organize your threads based on arc, rather than on who they’re with, as it makes them easier to read through chronologically! However, if this is the way that you are more comfortable, feel free to continue! This is about you after all <3

Just a paragraph into Beautiful Lies with Thanatos, I was really happy to notice that you throw in these cute little tidbits that I think gives the reader a wonderful insight into Tori, and this continues on through the rest of the threads. They’re not big, grab you by the face things, rather, it’s the little things like Tori chastising her ink and being glad to not be alone when the tap makes noise in the beautiful lies thread, or the bit about her accent in X-Men, that give you insights. These things make her vibrantly, wonderfully human, and every time you add in a seemingly innocuous reaction to something, you paint a brighter picture for your reader that is a delight to follow.

Another thing I noticed and loved was that you do not leave out sensory details in favor of others. You draw in scents, noises, physical reactions, everything, and it makes your threads a joy to read. I also feel that your sense of Tori is very well developed; while of course you will continue to learn more about her and develop her voice as you write with her, because it’s only natural, I feel that you could be writing anonymously, without mentioning her name or showing her face, and it would still be rather easy to go ah yes, this is Tori. You have a way with words that make her feel very alive. Well done, Mouse!

For Intermediate, I would love to see you branching out even more than you have already done. I would love to see how other people could be tied into the arc with Tori and Thanatos, as they clearly have SO MUCH more to say and, after all, you can’t have Romeo and Juliet without tying in at least one hundred other people and wrecking them all. I would also love to see some threads with adults, and maybe even some younger students - first and second years have a vastly different perspective on the world than Tori will as a sixth year, and I would love to see those things collide! I would ALSO love to see where Tori’s friendship with Anora goes, because as you say, she realizes she can’t magically fix it, so I would love to see what she does to try to mend things! Or not!

As a more nitpicky thing, I would like to see more variation in how you begin your paragraphs and in your descriptions of Tori. While yes, using She is very useful (and god knows I probably over use it), don’t be afraid to pull in adjectives to provide more colorful descriptions! You could also consider alternating the way you start your paragraphs - start some with dialogue, others with description, and by doing that I think it will be easier to avoid over using the more basic of descriptors.

Moving on to your special request, I do echo Tine’s ponderance about the accuracy of her visions, as yes, 85% is a rather high number, and could easily move you into the wonderful world of godmodding unintentionally. So that’s something you could consider when you’re playing with it. However, I do love the negative spin you’ve put on her request, because maybe it’s just me being mean, but I love when characters have abilities that they hate. Torture and stuff, you know, it’s a fun time.

Conclusion: All of that being said I am THRILLED to APPROVE Tori for NOVICE and I also APPROVE your SPECIAL REQUEST. You are a wonderful writer, Mouse, and I sincerely hope that I get the chance to write with you in the future. I cannot wait to see where you and Tori go next, and I hope to get the chance to review you again! Congratulations, and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me or hit me up on skype and I will be happy to answer them! Congratulations 1000 times!

@Tori Deveaux-Carroll

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#07 - ALEXANDER KINGSLEY
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