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 Nechtan McMahon - Novice
Stells Bells · 15 · 5th · 🗡️ · Pureblood · 5'8
Gryffindor Novice
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Sep 10 2017, 01:52 PM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Beginner
Link to character workshop topic: Click <3

At least two of your recent role play topics:

Ten million shards of glass and tears ft. Fiachra McMahon [Completed]
Let’s take a trip to a not so regular day with the McMahon family! This was Nechtan’s first thread, and considering how relevant his relationship with his older brother is to him as a character, I saw it necessary to include it, especially because it displays a side of Nechtan much different from the one shown to most people. There is a lot of vulnerabilities on both parts, and...I love me some good angst.

Don't wanna be hanging by the neck {before an audience of death} ft. Moth Skelton
Nechtan is in detention...again, and not very glad to see Moth is there as well. For the most part, I feel like this thread gives a good contrast with the previous one, as well as represent how Nechtan acts around most individuals. There’s a lot of annoyance and rude comments. We do have a lot planned for the interactions of these two in the future, so I figured it would be good to include this c:

Home Ec. Fall Class 1 - Fall Equinox ft. Moth Skelton, Athelstan Munn, Marco Connor & all the lovely Home Ec. students.
For the most part, I’m including this because it displays how Nechtan has a complete disregard for authority, and also because it gives us small glimpse on his relationships with his other relatives (in this case Athelstan). Considering this is a class, the replies to this topic are shorter than those of the previous ones, and I would like to apologize in advance for that <3

Commentary: Honestly, I don’t really have much to say. I’ve had Nechtan for two weeks now and he’s a character I really enjoy writing. I feel like he has a very defined voice (or at least he does in my head xD) but of course some positive feedback is always very much welcomed and appreciated. Thank you!

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Robin · 15 · 5th Year · Viridian Guild Leader · Pureblood · 5'
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Sep 10 2017, 01:54 PM   Link Quote


Application Accepted!

Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.

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Tine · 16 · 6th · neutral · Pureblood · 5'7
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Sep 14 2017, 03:48 AM   Link Quote
Bonjour. Hello my name is Tine I do not think we have met, new phone who dis. Just kidding. You know who you are and I am being that bad employee who does your review at work today, as a birthday present you could day. But before we get started, let's take a look at the requirements:

QUOTE
what we’re looking for at beginnerAt least 4 posts by your character over 2 threads. Your most recent post must be made within three months of the date of your application.Have your character profile in the workshop with at least one revision of each section posted by you. (If you choose not to include an appearance section at sorting, you must include it when you post your workshop profile, and then provide a subsequent revision for this rank).At the beginner rank, we are focused on building up your character. We will give you suggestions on how to expand your profiles and posts, particularly in regards to content, in order to gain as complete a picture of your character as possible. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.) and spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post. Additionally, we'd like to see that you have made an effort to expand all areas of the profile (i.e. not just personality or not just history).


Looks good here! I will take a closer look at your profile today, while your lovely second reviewer will dive down in your posts. Let's get this started, aye?

Appearance: First of all, I am always a sucker for using quotes as separations in between the different sections, so you already stole my heart here. I also think the story-telling style you used to introduce Nechtan is a good and befitting way, as well as starting with his height because it seems to be a defining part of the McMahon and Munn family. While I continued reading, I came upon a quote I shall drop here because it made me pause - and not because of the wording or anything, but because it made me track back.

QUOTE
No, it is better to hide it, for he is not vain, and he has never been one to care much about his own appearance.


In the beginning, you said that he hates his height, and that does kind of play into his appearance too? I see that it can be some kind of a power thing as in small = less power and inferior to the tall McMahons, but I think that if you choose to go for Intermediate, you could take this part and explains a little more detailed how his hate for his height (too many hs here) and his lack of vanity/care for his appearance does fit together.

QUOTE
Yet those same clothes that are so easily stained are usually discarded and thrown to the wash after being worn just once, leaving him surrounded by the scents of freshly washed laundry, along with the almond and sandalwood of his shampoo and soap - never even bothering to wear colognes.


I love the mention of scents, hi. And I love when people talk about clothes, so I am a happy Tine right now. What makes me wonder - concerning writing my own profile, as you can imagine - is if there are any traditional (wizarding) clothes that are supposed to be worn in the family? Do they wear fancy clothes? How would Nechtan feel if we stuffed him in a formal suit? But those are just details to expand on that came to my mind while reading.

QUOTE
When one is both predator and prey, one can’t afford the luxury of taking sound steps, as eventually everything about Nechtan McMahon has to do with both reassuring and saving himself.


I am going to leave this here because it is 1. a beautiful quote and 2. a very nice transition towards the next section. But before we are going there I think that you are on a good level with this appearance in the ways it flows and how it is organised. You covered all basics and already offered a good amount of detail as well. For the next profile revision my only advices would be to expand on details even more! I offered a few examples up there, but stuff to think about would be why, as a pureblood family, muggle clothes are such easy access for him - and the story behind the signet ring! In my mind - and in various books I read - passing on a signet ring is something special; a rite of passage almost. If this is going to come later on, ignore that I mentioned it here. But I always love the reasons why in the appearance section, even if it touches on subjects of the character's personality or background - the lines are allowed to blur ~

On a layout note, I wonder if the headlines (appearance, personality) wouldn't be better located after the quote instead of before, but I think this is a preference thing so feel free to ignore this - I just thought I would mention it :3


Personality:

I laughed at the douche comment, ngl. Anyway, let's be more elaborate:

QUOTE
The moment he had learned to properly clench a fist, he had also learned to punch, and he had learned to kick, fighting against anyone and anything that stood against him, no matter their age or their size.


I imagined a tiny baby punching people in the face and it was beautiful. No, seriously, I like this quote.

You know I am not riding the typo/grammar train but I think there is one but too many in this phrase eventually - just a small thing, because I like the message so I thought I'd comment on it.

QUOTE
Eventually, boys like Nechtan McMahon are not meant to shoot bows but to wield swords, not longswords but rapiers - but fencing sabres, épées and foils.


Now this is some good personality, kudos because this is the part I hate when writing a personality. Anyway, I am not here to praise you - well I am, but also to be useful - and therefore I am here with the ideas I had. Just like the appearance, I think you did well on this. The basics are covered and most parts are already wonderfully explained. There is a stream of thoughts I can follow with ease, and everything makes sense in the way one paragraph follows the other. Now, as for expansions I would like to see a few more positive notes on Nechtan! I know he is a very negative character, and you already told us he likes those medieval sagas and secretly likes those traditional celebrations, but what more does he appreciate? Does he secretly root for his father when there is a game of Quidditch? Does he like making daisy chains? Probably not, but you know where I am going. Also how did he stumble upon fencing, as it isn't exactly a sport you immediately think of? What are his favourite things like food, seasons, etc - I know these sound like super obvious basics but I too forget them all the time, so I thought I'd mention them here :3

And with that, we are already at the last section - and my favourite, because I damn love reading histories <3

History:

QUOTE
One blessed, one bygone, one broken’, as so told ancient prophecy when it came to all Munn children. Which had been which? Well, the answer to that question had always been up to interpretation.


Alright George R.R. Martin.

I am sorry if this has so many quotes, I promise I will comment more later on ;_;

QUOTE
Her three little lions, Amelia would call them, in allusion to the three scarlet scarlet felines which marked the family’s coat of arms and sigils. Perhaps, she should have known better, as male lions had always been territorial and competitive.


Despite the double scarlet, this is just so pretty and OH MY GOD, THE FORESHADING, just kill me here. So you probably know what I am going to say because I always say this with new characters: For the next revision, I would like to see wayyyy more Hogwarts, because he has been here for about five years - stuff happens, but I know this needs flashing out first. Apart from this, I really enjoyed reading it and much like in your other sections, I would expand on it - give more details, and even more of these feelings he has. How did seeing Fionn for the first time feel for Nechtan? Was he happy to get a sibling at first? Give me more childhood memories too because I love them - considering that maybe, there were even a few happy ones? We need to talk about this actually xD.

Overall I think that you already did a very beautiful job for Beginner, and I really love the style of your profile in here. For the next revision, your main work is going to be expanding on what you already have, refining the details and fleshing out Nechtan's Hogwarts career as well. Your second reviewer is going to take care of characterisation and your posts, but I read over your threads as well - naturally - and another idea I want to pack into this is letting Nechtan's voice become stronger in your profile. The boy we see in interactions with others is exactly the one I just read about - but if you want to, give your profile the twist of Nechtan, the brutal rudeness of him. Like the douche comment. I loved it a lot, because that made me go yes, Nechtan.

Verdict: I hope this was helpful for you because I sat here longer than I planned for this, hehe. Either way, I APPROVE you and @Nechtan McMahon for BEGINNER, congrats and good luck with your second review! If you have any questions, feel free to hit me up <3

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Robin · 15 · 5th Year · Viridian Guild Leader · Pureblood · 5'
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Sep 24 2017, 08:24 AM   Link Quote
Hi Stells! You know me, and I’m here with your second review! Since Tine delved into your profile in great detail, I’ll take a look at your posts.

Ten million shards of glass and tears
I’ll start by saying that I love how this thread starts with a piece of dialogue, it makes for a very dynamic way to set the scene. Everything about this thread is engrossing actually, it’s amazing how for the first part, the characters aren’t even technically interacting with each other, but you have so much to say about their relationship that it’s not even necessary. This shows how much work you put into the family and its members, but also how well you’re communicating with your RP partner.

I really enjoyed reading this thread, not once did I feel confused or like I was missing important context to truly understand the scene – which could have easily been the case, given that these characters, and thus you and Tine, share this family and don’t need to spell everything out for each other. And you don’t – but it reads so fluently, every piece of information coming so easily, that having things spelled out isn’t necessary – instead, you suggest. The things that you decide to shed light on – like the scar, or the ring – all come naturally, and each gives us a glimpse of the larger picture, helping us understand the dynamics of this family, and the history between the brothers. You give the reader enough information to fill the rest in themselves, so it doesn’t become a history lesson on the family, but nobody feels lost either. I can only say that this is really good storytelling, and some great writing to boot.

Here are some of my favourite parts:
QUOTE
The worst was forcing himself not to leave when the door finally opened, when he looked up at those green eyes that were so much his own and those of his father. In theory, the idea of standing there and asking his brother if he was alright was something easy, in practice, everything was much different. Why? Because the sight of those eyes made his skin crawl.

QUOTE
Since when did Nechtan’s future even matter to his brother? Since when did Fiachra care? He was not supposed to care. He did not get to care, not when he was the one person who caused Nechtan the most pain in the first place.

QUOTE
Those were the things he knew yet would never be able to admit to anyone, just like the way he could not admit he envied his cousins whenever they saw each other - as much as they Munns may have been raised under strict rules, at least they seemed to have happiness, and at least they had each other. He wished for it, for those bonds that seemed so terribly sappy, for having a brother that would be there for him when he needed him and who would support him instead of being the cause of all his fears and nightmares.

QUOTE
It would all require for him to love them more than what he did, to forgive them and not to resent them for all the things they had done to him. All of it was too much effort, and what was the point of going through all that effort if nothing would change because of it?


Why these? Because there’s just something so honest and raw about it. I love angst and drama as much as the next person, but I’m particularly a sucker for those thoughts that characters have trouble admitting to themselves. That you’re delving into this tells me you’ve already got a good grip on this character. This thread shows Nechtan’s core – everything that lies beneath the anger and the swearing – the insecurities, the dreams, the fears, the needs, the self-loathing. I’m in awe, and really glad you included this thread.

Don't wanna be hanging by the neck {before an audience of death}
While the way Nechtan behaves in this thread shows us a different side than the previous one, I find that the underlying thoughts/mindset are similar – like two different rivers springing from the same source, if that makes sense. Both sides are very much Nechtan, and it makes for a dynamic but consistent character.

One thing that I’d like to mention is that, with characters that have a rich inner monologue like this, we have to be careful to not forget about what’s happening outside of the character. You still give your RP partner enough to work with, for example by ending the post with dialogue for the other to respond to, but the environment gets a bit lost. In the previous thread, Nechtan mentions that he usually pays a lot of attention to his surroundings, so I’d like to see more of that – more descriptions of the scene, yes, but more importantly, through Nechtan’s eyes. I think balancing inside and outside will be the biggest point to work on for Novice.

QUOTE
His own words were not making any sense, and it annoyed Nechtan more than anything at those moments.

This is my favourite line, because I think it holds a lot of potential for discovering more about Nechtan and what possibly paths lay ahead. Something that I notice again and again is that Nechtan’s anger often finds its source in frustration over a lack of control – a lack of control over his future, his family, being smaller and weaker than his bully brother, and even a lack of control over his own behaviour – the anger from one source causes him to lash out, which leads to another source of frustration because anger is also hard to control. It’s a vicious cycle. On top of all that, there’s the typical teenage struggles, which also bring a lot of uncontrollable issues and feelings:
QUOTE
A boy who most definitely did not have the maturity, knowledge in the matter, or experience, to freely talk about romance and crushes. All those things were confusing, and confusing things had always annoyed the boy.

It’s an awful age to be Nechtan McMahon.

I think it’d be interesting to see a professor or counsellor see this self-destructive pattern and try to actually help – I say interesting because to Nechtan, this might come off as another person trying to take control away from him by trying to tell him what’s going on in his own life, and thus prove unproductive (especially when considering how he felt about authority in the Home Ec class). Maybe I’m wrong, but either way it could be a good setting to discover more about Nechtan. It’s just an idea though.

Home Ec. Fall Class 1 - Fall Equinox
I think it was a great idea to include this class thread because it really shows us who Nechtan is most of the time, in our school setting. I also liked seeing some pureblood elitism, establishing the family’s role in the wizarding world and the values Nechtan grew up with. I gotta say that another thing I like about Nechtan is that he truly reads like a fifteen year-old. Not that his age defines him or anything, but it emphasises, perhaps even intensifies, some of his traits. I feel like he’s very much a teenager who is, on top of everything else, struggling with being a teenager.

Let me just frame my favourite line bc ofc:
QUOTE
Had that bitch poltergeist framed him?

:’D

Profile & General
Tine already discussed your profile in great detail, so I’ll keep this short. I’ve reviewed you at Beginner before, and it strikes me again how great your profiles are. They’re well-written and read fluently, which is often hard to achieve with profiles because you need to give so much information, but you do it splendidly. I’m also impressed with how much you already have in his appearance section, which is often the weakest part of most profiles. Of course, there are lots of things you can still add – to all sections – but this will come to you as you keep writing Nechtan, and Tine already gave you some good tips.

I love all the lion comparisons – but it also makes me wonder, and this is something that I’ve been thinking since the first thread: WE know Nechtan is very much a Gryffindor, there’s no denying it, but… does he? He considers himself weak, and berates himself for not being able to stand up to his brother, and I wondered if he ever, in his self-loathing, thinks he isn’t brave or honourable or strong enough to be sorted in Gryffindor? Just a thought x)


I consider Beginner to be about establishing a character, and I can honestly say that you’re much beyond that already with Nechtan. I thus gladly APPROVE you and Nechtan for BEGINNER. This is where the real journey will start, which will be exciting and a lot of fun with a character like this. Good luck with future ranking, and of course you know where to find me if you have questions smile.gif

@Nechtan McMahon

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Stells Bells · 15 · 5th · 🗡️ · Pureblood · 5'8
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Dec 30 2017, 04:48 AM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Novice
At least three of your recent role play topics:

’The Lion King IV’ Arc
This particular arc centers around the McMahon siblings and Nechtan’s interactions with his brothers, most particularly how his relationship with Fiachra begins to change and grow over the course of different events that overtime result to be quite significant. This arc is, of course, on-going, starting by the thread between him and Fiachra that was used for Beginner ranking, but I tried to organize everything in chronological and understandable order.
    The haters gonna hate ft. Fiachra McMahon
    After having an argument with their parents, Fiachra gets drunk and decides to visit Nechtan in the middle of the night. Something which scares and worries the latter until realizing that his brother actually means no harm. This is mostly included to display how Nechtan tend to react to Fiachra’s presence, as well as positive interactions between them.

    Save me if I become my demons ft. Fionn McMahon
    During breakfast, Nechtan receives an angered letter from his mother after getting in trouble during Home Economics (Class utilized for Beginner ranking). Soon enough, he realized that it was Fionn who told her what happened, and he’s not very pleased about it. Once again, this thread means to display his relationship with his brother, along with how frustrated he feels by Fionn’s behaviour.

    What can you expect from filthy little heathens? ft. Fiachra McMahon (& Boggart!Fiachra)
    In his attempt to escape the Halloween celebrations, Nechtan runs into Fiachra, both of them soon encountering a boggart which attacks Nechtan and takes the form of his brother. As expected, things don’t go all that well, and Nechtan finds himself to be terrified and unable to do anything to stop it. There’s a lot I find to be relevant in this thread, but I’m mostly fond off how Nechtan seeks Fiachra’s help even though he’ actually what he’s afraid of. Also, it was interesting to further explore that fearful side of Nechtan.

    Don oíche úd i mBeithil ft. McMahon Family
    The holidays are finally here and the McMahon family has an incredible tendency to go overboard when it comes to celebrating Nollag. Of course, Nechtan isn’t as much of a fan of the holiday, and he finds himself surprisingly glad to be away from his family when he joins Fiachra outside of their mansion. I feel like this thread displays much about McMahon family dynamics in general, and especially regarding the changes in Nechtan’s relationship with Fiachra.
’Tomato Soup For The Soul’ Arc
This arc is actually just starting, and there is a lot more to come, but I thought I could take the chance to properly introduce it in this ranking - even though the first thread of it was actually used for Beginner rank. Mostly, this centers around Nechtan’s relationship with Moth Skelton, and how they grow from disliking each other to becoming friends, along with feelings that begin to slowly develop and which, quite truthfully, confuse the poor boy.
    Somewhere forever warm ft. Moth Skelton
    In a short message exchange (Here for reference) Moth invites Nechtan to join him at the kitchens for some soup, something that surprises the latter and leaves him with many questions he has no answers for. This is meant to be a simple and calm interaction between both of them, while also showing the fact that… well, Nechtan is really bad when it comes to being nice and making friends.

    A back and forth pendulum ft. Erik Dwight
    It’s not rare for Erik and Nechtan to run into each other when attempting to avoid people at pureblood gatherings. This time around, they end up meeting unexpectedly at his uncle’s library, where Nechtan has some thoughts regarding Moth and their friendship. As this develops, Nechtan is supposed to ask Erik about his own relationship, along with some of those questions mentioned in the previous thread summary.
Miscellaneous Threads
    Not quite a mystery ft. Raquel Dowling
    As it has happened in the past, Nechtan managed to once again damage his wand, and with his mother being far away in one of her usual trips, he seeks the help of the only other wandmakers he actually knows. Raquel happens to be a good friend of his mother, and just about the only professor he actual respects in the whole school. This thread displays a lot regarding Nechtan’s relationship with his own mother, along with the way he acts around some adults (in contrast with what was displayed previously in the Home Economics Class used for Beginner).

    Burning ice and painful acid ft. Shion Suzuki
    In a moment of distraction, Nechtan ends up crashing against Shion in a hallway, finding himself to be angry and annoyed when told to watch where he’s going. He does not take onto this very well, and reacts in his usual violent and aggressive manner. So, given that the previous threads are all with people Nechtan actually knows, is related to, or close with, I thought it would be good to display his interactions with a complete stranger, most particularly, one who managed to annoy him.
Commentary:
I decided to advance Nechtan in ranking now because I believe that he has developed quite a lot as a character since his last ranking. I really do enjoy writing him a lot, he’s a character that is very personal to me, and that has a very strong and unique voice.
I tried my best organize his arcs in the most understandable way possible, although as mentioned, they’re both still in development and there’s much more to see in both cases. On the other hand, I tried to provide as much variation in interactions as I could, while I did choose to exclude some threads that weren’t as developed or relevant to this particular ranking.
Mostly, I would appreciate to receive commentaries and thoughts on plots and arc development, while of course, any other feedback is more than welcome and appreciated. Thank you in advance ♡

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evan · 18 · 7th year · 🔪 · pureblood-ish · 6'0"
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Dec 30 2017, 04:50 AM   Link Quote


Application Accepted!

Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.

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Tine · 16 · 6th · neutral · Pureblood · 5'7
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Jan 23 2018, 12:31 PM   Link Quote
Hello there Stells, you might wonder who I am and so do I. Just kidding. First of all I am terribly sorry for your long wait, because I know how much it sucks to wait past deadline. So I hope that you don’t mind if I chime in and snatch away your review. Nechtan and me are acquainted of course, so this will be fun for all of his, I am sure. But before we get started, we have to tick off the requirements for Novice. Here we go:

QUOTE
what we’re looking for at noviceAt least 9 posts by your character over 3 threads.Some variation in who you're posting with (ie. threads should not all be with the same character).The beginnings of a long-term plot arc, or at least an idea of where you would like to see your character move towards.A special request (if you'd like one) and your justification for the request. Make sure to highlight any changes you have made between Beginner and now.At Novice, we are focused on consistency in character and writing.  At this stage, we will take a break from your profile, and look solely at your character’s threads and plots, with a focus on your character as they have now had time to interact with others. Having had time to develop your character, you should be comfortable writing some common situations they find themselves in. Grammar, spelling, and punctuation should also be consistently correct at this stage, if not always perfect.


Looks good, so let’s get started. You know how I review, we go through each thread and then I will toss your general advice in your vague direction. Better catch it.

’The Lion King IV’ Arc
First of all I want to compliment you on your organisation because it gives a nice overview, and your thread descriptions help getting a general feeling - especially to people who are not as deeply involved in this arc as I am. So starting with the first thread - and diving right in - I like how in The haters gonna hate, Nechtan comes across as incredibly young in my eyes. And I like that because we often forget our characters are still teenagers - children at times - when we have outgrown their age. Now none of us is fifteen any more, but I just like how he hides underneath his blanket with the slightest hope of Fiachra going away again. You also already link past events - not as noticeable for others as for me maybe, but Oberon singing in the mornings for example - to the present, and how it is affecting him.

I think especially in a relationship as difficult as the one between Fiachra and Nechtan, it is the small things that show development - for example the fact that they do not call each other by their nicknames under regular circumstances. I have read Robin’s review for your posts because I was reviewing your profile last time, and I like how she stated that not everything had to be written out, while you do suggest it. You give just the right amount of information to know what is going on inside the family for someone who does not know all their threads and their history to be aware of what is happening.

Even as the person who did this arc with you I find it striking how different the dynamics between Nechtan and Fionn and Nechtan and Fiachra are. It is almost like there are two versions of Nechtan: the big brother, and the younger brother - the scary one and the one who is scared. In my opinion, this quote shows exactly what I mean:

QUOTE
All of it came with his upbringing, with being both prey and predator, with always making sure he could have an easy way out if necessary, with always being aware of where his older brother was and if he would approach, with being able to find Fionn.


There is an insane ambivalence to Nechtan that definitely shows in this threads, and as for future rankings, I would encourage you to play around with it. You know your metaphors, so I am sure you can use some to bring this ...mh, not saying split personality, but these two sides of Nechtan together or even paint their difference in clearer colours. Because I think this is such a striking trait for this character, and it can definitely be worked with.

QUOTE
The second of the McMahon siblings could hear his own voice trailing off as questions were fired with the sharp accuracy of those arrows his family members would shoot when hunting. He could feel them; the hot tears burning in his eyes and refusing to fall, clouding his vision from the sight of his brother’s terrified face and making him focus on their surroundings - on the dirt that covered the grouts between polished stones, on the dust that usually remained unnoticed unless looking at the floors that closely.


I am just putting this quote here because I think it shows really well how deeply rooted the values and traditions of the McMahons are by referring to hunting for example. At the same time, I think the Save me if I become my demons thread shows a very good balance of what is going on in Nechtan’s mind and how he reacts to the outer world, which is something Robin suggested you to do more in your previous review. Well done, yay!

This arc is one wild ride and I am acquainted with this threads, but I definitely feel like the Boggart encounter is a breaking point - not only in relation to Fiachra and Nechtan, but also for Nechtan in general. It almost felt like he went back in time, like a butterfly spinning itself back in a cocoon: in the beginning, we have this moody teenager who doesn’t really want to be involved in all this Halloween nonsense, and in the end there is this broken boy who just cries because he is so scared.

The Christmas thread is a nice counterpart to the angst we just suffered through with the last two threads, but also nice as an idea of what could be if everything would be different. I am going to pass on the advice I have been given for Fiachra to you now, because I feel like for you it will be easier even to convey it: more family interactions outside of his brothers! If you choose to rank higher, try a oneshot with Amelia or Conlaoch - or both even. He is the middle child, the one that only receives the negative attention in most cases, work with it! I think in Nechtan’s case it would even be amazing to have interactions with the McMahons grandparents, as I vaguely remember he does look up to his grandfather in particular?


’Tomato Soup For The Soul’ Arc
Oh, I do remember having wanted to read more of this when it was Beginner ranking time, so yiha, thanks for satisfying my needs here. I love how even here, his family is always present - and how self-aware Nechtan is of his gestures, like the weight of the ring he wears. The flashbacks to his past and his family life linked to his own issues - for example not trusting Moth’s invitation - are awesome, especially given at this point, we do not have a profile to refer to.

Of course this is an arc in the making, and I am looking forward to see more of this if you keep ranking Nechtan than this. Not only his relationship to Moth, but also Nechtan opening up a little to others as intended in the thread with Erik. What I find striking is that he seems to be more relaxed and confident with acquaintances than with people he knows closer, if that makes sense? My highly psychological theory for this would be that eventually he can relax around those who do not know him as well because they cannot judge his actions? Maybe flesh out this part of Nechtan some more to if you would like to explore this more! I do not know if this is something you did intentionally or something that just happened, but I think it is very interesting to read and therefore surely also interesting for you to work with.

Miscellaneous Threads

QUOTE
Once upon a time, when he had been much younger, his grandfather had told him to think of magic as he thought of fencing; each wand movement and incantation much alike a swing from his favourite foil, sabre, or épée. But it wasn’t the same, was it? Every single time Nechtan held onto the hilt of a fencing sword, he felt and at ease, the constant rapids of the river that was his mind turning into a calm stream. Most of the time, when he held onto a wand, none of the same feelings came; instead there was usually anger and annoyance, much more alike those moments when he would throw punches in blinding rage. Rapids; fast, strong, falling into a waterfall of deafening roars.


I just really like this comparison between performing a spell and fencing, and how it does not work out for Nechtan. As you wanted some advice on plot and development - and I already tried to pepper my former comments with small hints in the right (or possible) direction - I think that his relationship to magic especially in connection to his mother being a wandmaker could become interesting. Especially because you mention here that his magical work does not always work out the way he wants it to. It brings me back to the Boggart encounter and how he had not even tried to use his wand. For a pureblood, magic is surely essential, but I feel like Nechtan does not necessarily rely on it, so exploring this part further is definitely an option. Throw him at the muggles.

With Not quite a mystery, you have delivered the authority person thread you were asked for, but for the future I would definitely like to see more of that. We had now a person he does not respect at Beginner (Marco) and someone he does respect (Raquel). I know thread progressing is not always in our hands, but I would have liked to see more of Nechtan in this situation because he seems to be out of his usual element in here, and once more he is just so fifteen in this.


QUOTE
Some people had good days and bad days, some people could see the silver lining in everything and be terribly optimistic. Needless to say, Nechtan Ler McMahon was neither.

We noticed.

I feel like I have been babbling for ages already so I will just come to the more general parts of this ranking app now that I have read everything. You definitely fulfill the requirements arc-wise and tried to toss Nechtan in a variety of different situations, which I would of course encourage you to continue. I also get the feeling that you tried to include his environment more as Robin suggested that balancing inner and outer happenings would be a main aspect to work on. We see a development in Nechtan’s relationships, and apart from a missing letter here and there, I did not encounter any grave mistakes.

For the future, I already gave you a few ideas of what to work on, and as I have received the advice on Fiachra, I would also suggest you to keep developing his relationships to his brothers and cousins, be it through threads or oneshots (not all of them, of course xD). I would also suggest to try and pull more people in, or tie your arcs together. I know Moth went to Fiachra to fight for Nechtan, so as plots are going in circles, the Lion King arc can always be connected with the Tomato Soup, and the other way around.

I would also like to see Nechtan interacting with a girl, because we did not have that here - apart from Raquel, but I feel like she does not make the cut. You are definitely on the right track of Nechtan, therefore I APPROVE you and @Nechtan McMahon for NOVICE, congrats and good luck with your second review! If you have any questions, come hit me up <3

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Robin · 15 · 5th Year · Viridian Guild Leader · Pureblood · 5'
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Jan 27 2018, 10:26 AM   Link Quote
Hi Stells! You know who I am, and I volunteered to be your second reviewer today. Woo! I’m terribly sorry you’ve had to wait so long, so without further ado – let’s get to the review shall we? smile.gif

’The Lion King IV’ Arc
QUOTE
It was always that way when one of them decided to argue with their parents, and honestly, when one was a McMahon, it sometimes felt as if anything and everything could be turned into an argument, most of his family stuck in a constant state of strife and battle.

Honestly I want to start by saying how much this resonates with me. Nechtan is a very relatable character, and his fear in this first thread feels very real – it’s grounded in past experiences that the reader gets a glimpse of, we understand why Nechtan feels this way, where this comes from. You do another great job with fear in the boggart thread. There the fear is so overwhelming, it’s paralyzing – but you still make sure it’s realistic, that we can follow the thought process that leads to that fear.

In the thread with Fionn, the overwhelming emotion is anger, and again we can see where it comes from, why Nechtan feels this strongly. You do an amazing job with Nechtan’s emotions, and for that you must clearly know your character well. His voice and personality are strong. Like Tine, I like the different sides of him – I like how he can be both the bully and the bully victim, depending on the circumstances. It gives him nuance and depth. Our personalities are all very much subject to the roles we play in life – and Nechtan’s different roles as both younger and older brother showcase how multifaceted one person can be.

I just want to quote my favourite part of this thread:
QUOTE
What was it that people said? Not to judge a book by its cover? A stupid saying, as there was a lot about the young Gryffindor student that could be guessed simply by looking at his outwards appearance.


I have to congratulate both you and Tine on the boggart thread. It’s well-written, explores deep emotions, and if I have to be honest – above all I like that they don’t defeat the boggart. I like the reminder that magic is a skill and not always easy to perform, definitely not under pressure like this, and I like that this thread reminds us of how terrifying boggarts can be. I think it’s also symbolic in a sense, as in that this particular “boggart” (all the negative emotions that exist between the brothers, and the way their relationship is now) isn’t something that’ll just disappear from one moment to the next – it takes time for wounds like that to heal. I agree with Tine that this thread is like a turning point for their relationship – this is where the road towards healing begins. Sometimes you have to open a wound again so it can close properly.

Now, let’s talk about Nechtan in this thread. The vulnerability that is displayed here isn’t something we get to see often, another side of him that has been laid bare. In addition, I also appreciate all the glimpses into their childhood and their home life. What I enjoyed the most had to be how Nechtan describes looking at pictures from when they used to be happy children, while also not actually being able to remember those times.

The final thread for this arc so far shows us a new dynamic between Fiachra and Nechtan, one that is a work in progress – to me it reads like they’re trying to find footing, trying to figure out where to go from there. This has been an interesting journey, and I can’t wait to see how it develops from here. The Christmas thread also gives us a better look at the family and how they work. I’ll echo Tine’s advice to explore the family dynamics more for the next ranks, like by having Nechtan interact with his parents and/or grandparents in one-shots.

Before I move onto your next arc there’s one more thing I want to say. I’m familiar with a few of your other characters too, and from having plotted with you I know how much effort you always put into your characters’ backgrounds. That’s what we see with the McMahons too – it isn’t just the elaborate extended family, but also their roots. Whatever nationality you decide to write, you always do extensive research to make sure you are doing them justice, which is something that deserves praise.

’Tomato Soup For The Soul’ Arc
I just want to paste this here first because it relates to the previous arc:
QUOTE
The signet ring that symbolized family, the one that had been gifted to him by his grandfather years ago, the one that was supposed to remind him that family could always be trusted. How ironic. If only his grandfather knew, if only his grandfather had seen what Nechtan had faced during Halloween, if only he had known how many tears had been shed because of family or how many times he had caused pain to those he was supposed to love.

Damn. That’s powerful stuff. Knowing what the signet ring stands for really adds to all the times he’s fiddling with it. The thread at his uncle’s party again offers us more background for the family dynamic- I actually really like how his family is a red thread throughout Nechtan’s plots, or actually: life. His home life is not a puppet show going on in the background – it has a real influence on him, making him all the more realistic, because how we were raised and how our childhood was carries marks on all of us. Nechtan brings it with him wherever he goes.

Now let’s talk about Nechtan and Moth. They’re an interesting choice, two lonely people who are slowly finding comfort in each other. You know I’m a sucker for that. They’re probably exactly what they both need, but it might also be a long journey – which is great. I think this is a smart arc choice for Nechtan, as it’ll give you the opportunity to explore emotions he isn’t used to, and maybe more subtle feelings than the overwhelming fear and anger that usually colour his world. In other words: there’s so much potential here for discovering new sides of Nechtan, and I can’t wait to see where it goes!

In the thread with Erik, there’s this one line that caught my attention. It might seem like a small thing, but I think it’s really powerful:
QUOTE
Still, he was somehow thankful for it, because he was aware most people wouldn’t have even bothered ask if he cared about them disturbing his peace.

This says a lot to me. What I read in this, what it tells me, is that Nechtan, underneath all his anger, just wants to be treated like a person, with just common decency – which isn’t something he gets from his family. I’d get pretty frustrated too.

Miscellaneous Threads
His struggle with magic is both interesting and refreshing. Tine already gave you ideas for this, so I won’t repeat what she already said, but I just wanted to say how nice it is to see students struggling, because after all magic is a skill – and sometimes a rather difficult one to master, and they are teenagers after all.

We also see another interesting new side of Nechtan in the thread with Raquel. As Tine also pointed out, what we see here is essentially a difference between how he treats/behaves around adults he respects (Raquel) and adults he doesn’t respect (Home Ec, at Beginner). He recognises his actions hurt his mother, and the blushing at Raquel’s comment can easily be interpreted as shame – that he damaged his wand again, or even that he doesn’t visit her for any other reason, while he used to have a good relationship with her as a child. We’ve seen Nechtan in the role of older brother, younger brother, and peer – this is Nechtan as a child. I applaud you for having shown us such a diversity already while only at Novice.

QUOTE
Nechtan McMahon was annoyed because of Nechtan McMahon.

Man this hits close to home.

We’ve almost reached the end of this review! Much like when I reviewed Nechtan for Beginner, it was a pleasure to read your threads. You have a great post length, allowing your posts to offer a lot – background to explain Nechtan’s behaviour and reasoning, a look at Nechtan’s thought process and psyche, and then action and dialogue for your RP partner to pick up on. I’d only advice to make sure to proofread a bit more for Intermediate, because I noticed a few minor mistakes, like “to” missing, in/on, etc. – nothing that jumped out to me as real mistakes that need to be explained, but things that are probably just the result of tinkering with your post ^^

With that, we’re done! I can finally APPROVE you and Nechtan for NOVICE! Congratulations and good luck with all your future ranking endeavours! biggrin.gif

@Nechtan McMahon

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Big Billy by Bolt and cute Lenny and Gretchen by Evan! <33
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