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 *Nechtan McMahon - Beginner, December 30th
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Sep 10 2017, 12:52 PM   LINK Quote
Rank Applying For: Beginner
Link to character workshop topic: Click <3

At least two of your recent role play topics:

Ten million shards of glass and tears ft. Fiachra McMahon [Completed]
Let’s take a trip to a not so regular day with the McMahon family! This was Nechtan’s first thread, and considering how relevant his relationship with his older brother is to him as a character, I saw it necessary to include it, especially because it displays a side of Nechtan much different from the one shown to most people. There is a lot of vulnerabilities on both parts, and...I love me some good angst.

Don't wanna be hanging by the neck {before an audience of death} ft. Moth Skelton
Nechtan is in detention...again, and not very glad to see Moth is there as well. For the most part, I feel like this thread gives a good contrast with the previous one, as well as represent how Nechtan acts around most individuals. There’s a lot of annoyance and rude comments. We do have a lot planned for the interactions of these two in the future, so I figured it would be good to include this c:

Home Ec. Fall Class 1 - Fall Equinox ft. Moth Skelton, Athelstan Munn, Marco Connor & all the lovely Home Ec. students.
For the most part, I’m including this because it displays how Nechtan has a complete disregard for authority, and also because it gives us small glimpse on his relationships with his other relatives (in this case Athelstan). Considering this is a class, the replies to this topic are shorter than those of the previous ones, and I would like to apologize in advance for that <3

Commentary: Honestly, I don’t really have much to say. I’ve had Nechtan for two weeks now and he’s a character I really enjoy writing. I feel like he has a very defined voice (or at least he does in my head xD) but of course some positive feedback is always very much welcomed and appreciated. Thank you!

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Moth Skelton is a true artist and that's why he drew this masterful portrait of Nech ❤
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Gretchen Kirke-Faust


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Sep 10 2017, 12:54 PM   LINK Quote


Application Accepted!

Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.

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Sep 14 2017, 02:48 AM   LINK Quote
Bonjour. Hello my name is Tine I do not think we have met, new phone who dis. Just kidding. You know who you are and I am being that bad employee who does your review at work today, as a birthday present you could day. But before we get started, let's take a look at the requirements:

QUOTE

what we’re looking for at beginner

  • At least 4 posts by your character over 2 threads. Your most recent post must be made within three months of the date of your application.
  • Have your character profile in the workshop with at least one revision of each section posted by you. (If you choose not to include an appearance section at sorting, you must include it when you post your workshop profile, and then provide a subsequent revision for this rank).
  • At the beginner rank, we are focused on building up your character. We will give you suggestions on how to expand your profiles and posts, particularly in regards to content, in order to gain as complete a picture of your character as possible. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.) and spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post. Additionally, we'd like to see that you have made an effort to expand all areas of the profile (i.e. not just personality or not just history).


Looks good here! I will take a closer look at your profile today, while your lovely second reviewer will dive down in your posts. Let's get this started, aye?

Appearance: First of all, I am always a sucker for using quotes as separations in between the different sections, so you already stole my heart here. I also think the story-telling style you used to introduce Nechtan is a good and befitting way, as well as starting with his height because it seems to be a defining part of the McMahon and Munn family. While I continued reading, I came upon a quote I shall drop here because it made me pause - and not because of the wording or anything, but because it made me track back.

QUOTE
No, it is better to hide it, for he is not vain, and he has never been one to care much about his own appearance.


In the beginning, you said that he hates his height, and that does kind of play into his appearance too? I see that it can be some kind of a power thing as in small = less power and inferior to the tall McMahons, but I think that if you choose to go for Intermediate, you could take this part and explains a little more detailed how his hate for his height (too many hs here) and his lack of vanity/care for his appearance does fit together.

QUOTE
Yet those same clothes that are so easily stained are usually discarded and thrown to the wash after being worn just once, leaving him surrounded by the scents of freshly washed laundry, along with the almond and sandalwood of his shampoo and soap - never even bothering to wear colognes.


I love the mention of scents, hi. And I love when people talk about clothes, so I am a happy Tine right now. What makes me wonder - concerning writing my own profile, as you can imagine - is if there are any traditional (wizarding) clothes that are supposed to be worn in the family? Do they wear fancy clothes? How would Nechtan feel if we stuffed him in a formal suit? But those are just details to expand on that came to my mind while reading.

QUOTE
When one is both predator and prey, one can’t afford the luxury of taking sound steps, as eventually everything about Nechtan McMahon has to do with both reassuring and saving himself.


I am going to leave this here because it is 1. a beautiful quote and 2. a very nice transition towards the next section. But before we are going there I think that you are on a good level with this appearance in the ways it flows and how it is organised. You covered all basics and already offered a good amount of detail as well. For the next profile revision my only advices would be to expand on details even more! I offered a few examples up there, but stuff to think about would be why, as a pureblood family, muggle clothes are such easy access for him - and the story behind the signet ring! In my mind - and in various books I read - passing on a signet ring is something special; a rite of passage almost. If this is going to come later on, ignore that I mentioned it here. But I always love the reasons why in the appearance section, even if it touches on subjects of the character's personality or background - the lines are allowed to blur ~

On a layout note, I wonder if the headlines (appearance, personality) wouldn't be better located after the quote instead of before, but I think this is a preference thing so feel free to ignore this - I just thought I would mention it :3


Personality:

I laughed at the douche comment, ngl. Anyway, let's be more elaborate:

QUOTE
The moment he had learned to properly clench a fist, he had also learned to punch, and he had learned to kick, fighting against anyone and anything that stood against him, no matter their age or their size.


I imagined a tiny baby punching people in the face and it was beautiful. No, seriously, I like this quote.

You know I am not riding the typo/grammar train but I think there is one but too many in this phrase eventually - just a small thing, because I like the message so I thought I'd comment on it.

QUOTE
Eventually, boys like Nechtan McMahon are not meant to shoot bows but to wield swords, not longswords but rapiers - but fencing sabres, épées and foils.


Now this is some good personality, kudos because this is the part I hate when writing a personality. Anyway, I am not here to praise you - well I am, but also to be useful - and therefore I am here with the ideas I had. Just like the appearance, I think you did well on this. The basics are covered and most parts are already wonderfully explained. There is a stream of thoughts I can follow with ease, and everything makes sense in the way one paragraph follows the other. Now, as for expansions I would like to see a few more positive notes on Nechtan! I know he is a very negative character, and you already told us he likes those medieval sagas and secretly likes those traditional celebrations, but what more does he appreciate? Does he secretly root for his father when there is a game of Quidditch? Does he like making daisy chains? Probably not, but you know where I am going. Also how did he stumble upon fencing, as it isn't exactly a sport you immediately think of? What are his favourite things like food, seasons, etc - I know these sound like super obvious basics but I too forget them all the time, so I thought I'd mention them here :3

And with that, we are already at the last section - and my favourite, because I damn love reading histories <3

History:

QUOTE
One blessed, one bygone, one broken’, as so told ancient prophecy when it came to all Munn children. Which had been which? Well, the answer to that question had always been up to interpretation.


Alright George R.R. Martin.

I am sorry if this has so many quotes, I promise I will comment more later on ;_;

QUOTE
Her three little lions, Amelia would call them, in allusion to the three scarlet scarlet felines which marked the family’s coat of arms and sigils. Perhaps, she should have known better, as male lions had always been territorial and competitive.


Despite the double scarlet, this is just so pretty and OH MY GOD, THE FORESHADING, just kill me here. So you probably know what I am going to say because I always say this with new characters: For the next revision, I would like to see wayyyy more Hogwarts, because he has been here for about five years - stuff happens, but I know this needs flashing out first. Apart from this, I really enjoyed reading it and much like in your other sections, I would expand on it - give more details, and even more of these feelings he has. How did seeing Fionn for the first time feel for Nechtan? Was he happy to get a sibling at first? Give me more childhood memories too because I love them - considering that maybe, there were even a few happy ones? We need to talk about this actually xD.

Overall I think that you already did a very beautiful job for Beginner, and I really love the style of your profile in here. For the next revision, your main work is going to be expanding on what you already have, refining the details and fleshing out Nechtan's Hogwarts career as well. Your second reviewer is going to take care of characterisation and your posts, but I read over your threads as well - naturally - and another idea I want to pack into this is letting Nechtan's voice become stronger in your profile. The boy we see in interactions with others is exactly the one I just read about - but if you want to, give your profile the twist of Nechtan, the brutal rudeness of him. Like the douche comment. I loved it a lot, because that made me go yes, Nechtan.

Verdict: I hope this was helpful for you because I sat here longer than I planned for this, hehe. Either way, I APPROVE you and @Nechtan McMahon for BEGINNER, congrats and good luck with your second review! If you have any questions, feel free to hit me up <3

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Gretchen Kirke-Faust


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Sep 24 2017, 07:24 AM   LINK Quote
Hi Stells! You know me, and I’m here with your second review! Since Tine delved into your profile in great detail, I’ll take a look at your posts.

Ten million shards of glass and tears
I’ll start by saying that I love how this thread starts with a piece of dialogue, it makes for a very dynamic way to set the scene. Everything about this thread is engrossing actually, it’s amazing how for the first part, the characters aren’t even technically interacting with each other, but you have so much to say about their relationship that it’s not even necessary. This shows how much work you put into the family and its members, but also how well you’re communicating with your RP partner.

I really enjoyed reading this thread, not once did I feel confused or like I was missing important context to truly understand the scene – which could have easily been the case, given that these characters, and thus you and Tine, share this family and don’t need to spell everything out for each other. And you don’t – but it reads so fluently, every piece of information coming so easily, that having things spelled out isn’t necessary – instead, you suggest. The things that you decide to shed light on – like the scar, or the ring – all come naturally, and each gives us a glimpse of the larger picture, helping us understand the dynamics of this family, and the history between the brothers. You give the reader enough information to fill the rest in themselves, so it doesn’t become a history lesson on the family, but nobody feels lost either. I can only say that this is really good storytelling, and some great writing to boot.

Here are some of my favourite parts:
QUOTE
The worst was forcing himself not to leave when the door finally opened, when he looked up at those green eyes that were so much his own and those of his father. In theory, the idea of standing there and asking his brother if he was alright was something easy, in practice, everything was much different. Why? Because the sight of those eyes made his skin crawl.

QUOTE
Since when did Nechtan’s future even matter to his brother? Since when did Fiachra care? He was not supposed to care. He did not get to care, not when he was the one person who caused Nechtan the most pain in the first place.

QUOTE
Those were the things he knew yet would never be able to admit to anyone, just like the way he could not admit he envied his cousins whenever they saw each other - as much as they Munns may have been raised under strict rules, at least they seemed to have happiness, and at least they had each other. He wished for it, for those bonds that seemed so terribly sappy, for having a brother that would be there for him when he needed him and who would support him instead of being the cause of all his fears and nightmares.

QUOTE
It would all require for him to love them more than what he did, to forgive them and not to resent them for all the things they had done to him. All of it was too much effort, and what was the point of going through all that effort if nothing would change because of it?


Why these? Because there’s just something so honest and raw about it. I love angst and drama as much as the next person, but I’m particularly a sucker for those thoughts that characters have trouble admitting to themselves. That you’re delving into this tells me you’ve already got a good grip on this character. This thread shows Nechtan’s core – everything that lies beneath the anger and the swearing – the insecurities, the dreams, the fears, the needs, the self-loathing. I’m in awe, and really glad you included this thread.

Don't wanna be hanging by the neck {before an audience of death}
While the way Nechtan behaves in this thread shows us a different side than the previous one, I find that the underlying thoughts/mindset are similar – like two different rivers springing from the same source, if that makes sense. Both sides are very much Nechtan, and it makes for a dynamic but consistent character.

One thing that I’d like to mention is that, with characters that have a rich inner monologue like this, we have to be careful to not forget about what’s happening outside of the character. You still give your RP partner enough to work with, for example by ending the post with dialogue for the other to respond to, but the environment gets a bit lost. In the previous thread, Nechtan mentions that he usually pays a lot of attention to his surroundings, so I’d like to see more of that – more descriptions of the scene, yes, but more importantly, through Nechtan’s eyes. I think balancing inside and outside will be the biggest point to work on for Novice.

QUOTE
His own words were not making any sense, and it annoyed Nechtan more than anything at those moments.

This is my favourite line, because I think it holds a lot of potential for discovering more about Nechtan and what possibly paths lay ahead. Something that I notice again and again is that Nechtan’s anger often finds its source in frustration over a lack of control – a lack of control over his future, his family, being smaller and weaker than his bully brother, and even a lack of control over his own behaviour – the anger from one source causes him to lash out, which leads to another source of frustration because anger is also hard to control. It’s a vicious cycle. On top of all that, there’s the typical teenage struggles, which also bring a lot of uncontrollable issues and feelings:
QUOTE
A boy who most definitely did not have the maturity, knowledge in the matter, or experience, to freely talk about romance and crushes. All those things were confusing, and confusing things had always annoyed the boy.

It’s an awful age to be Nechtan McMahon.

I think it’d be interesting to see a professor or counsellor see this self-destructive pattern and try to actually help – I say interesting because to Nechtan, this might come off as another person trying to take control away from him by trying to tell him what’s going on in his own life, and thus prove unproductive (especially when considering how he felt about authority in the Home Ec class). Maybe I’m wrong, but either way it could be a good setting to discover more about Nechtan. It’s just an idea though.

Home Ec. Fall Class 1 - Fall Equinox
I think it was a great idea to include this class thread because it really shows us who Nechtan is most of the time, in our school setting. I also liked seeing some pureblood elitism, establishing the family’s role in the wizarding world and the values Nechtan grew up with. I gotta say that another thing I like about Nechtan is that he truly reads like a fifteen year-old. Not that his age defines him or anything, but it emphasises, perhaps even intensifies, some of his traits. I feel like he’s very much a teenager who is, on top of everything else, struggling with being a teenager.

Let me just frame my favourite line bc ofc:
QUOTE
Had that bitch poltergeist framed him?

:’D

Profile & General
Tine already discussed your profile in great detail, so I’ll keep this short. I’ve reviewed you at Beginner before, and it strikes me again how great your profiles are. They’re well-written and read fluently, which is often hard to achieve with profiles because you need to give so much information, but you do it splendidly. I’m also impressed with how much you already have in his appearance section, which is often the weakest part of most profiles. Of course, there are lots of things you can still add – to all sections – but this will come to you as you keep writing Nechtan, and Tine already gave you some good tips.

I love all the lion comparisons – but it also makes me wonder, and this is something that I’ve been thinking since the first thread: WE know Nechtan is very much a Gryffindor, there’s no denying it, but… does he? He considers himself weak, and berates himself for not being able to stand up to his brother, and I wondered if he ever, in his self-loathing, thinks he isn’t brave or honourable or strong enough to be sorted in Gryffindor? Just a thought x)


I consider Beginner to be about establishing a character, and I can honestly say that you’re much beyond that already with Nechtan. I thus gladly APPROVE you and Nechtan for BEGINNER. This is where the real journey will start, which will be exciting and a lot of fun with a character like this. Good luck with future ranking, and of course you know where to find me if you have questions smile.gif

@Nechtan McMahon

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Dec 30 2017, 03:48 AM   LINK Quote
Rank Applying For: Novice
At least three of your recent role play topics:

’The Lion King IV’ Arc
This particular arc centers around the McMahon siblings and Nechtan’s interactions with his brothers, most particularly how his relationship with Fiachra begins to change and grow over the course of different events that overtime result to be quite significant. This arc is, of course, on-going, starting by the thread between him and Fiachra that was used for Beginner ranking, but I tried to organize everything in chronological and understandable order.
    The haters gonna hate ft. Fiachra McMahon
    After having an argument with their parents, Fiachra gets drunk and decides to visit Nechtan in the middle of the night. Something which scares and worries the latter until realizing that his brother actually means no harm. This is mostly included to display how Nechtan tend to react to Fiachra’s presence, as well as positive interactions between them.

    Save me if I become my demons ft. Fionn McMahon
    During breakfast, Nechtan receives an angered letter from his mother after getting in trouble during Home Economics (Class utilized for Beginner ranking). Soon enough, he realized that it was Fionn who told her what happened, and he’s not very pleased about it. Once again, this thread means to display his relationship with his brother, along with how frustrated he feels by Fionn’s behaviour.

    What can you expect from filthy little heathens? ft. Fiachra McMahon (& Boggart!Fiachra)
    In his attempt to escape the Halloween celebrations, Nechtan runs into Fiachra, both of them soon encountering a boggart which attacks Nechtan and takes the form of his brother. As expected, things don’t go all that well, and Nechtan finds himself to be terrified and unable to do anything to stop it. There’s a lot I find to be relevant in this thread, but I’m mostly fond off how Nechtan seeks Fiachra’s help even though he’ actually what he’s afraid of. Also, it was interesting to further explore that fearful side of Nechtan.

    Don oíche úd i mBeithil ft. McMahon Family
    The holidays are finally here and the McMahon family has an incredible tendency to go overboard when it comes to celebrating Nollag. Of course, Nechtan isn’t as much of a fan of the holiday, and he finds himself surprisingly glad to be away from his family when he joins Fiachra outside of their mansion. I feel like this thread displays much about McMahon family dynamics in general, and especially regarding the changes in Nechtan’s relationship with Fiachra.
’Tomato Soup For The Soul’ Arc
This arc is actually just starting, and there is a lot more to come, but I thought I could take the chance to properly introduce it in this ranking - even though the first thread of it was actually used for Beginner rank. Mostly, this centers around Nechtan’s relationship with Moth Skelton, and how they grow from disliking each other to becoming friends, along with feelings that begin to slowly develop and which, quite truthfully, confuse the poor boy.
    Somewhere forever warm ft. Moth Skelton
    In a short message exchange (Here for reference) Moth invites Nechtan to join him at the kitchens for some soup, something that surprises the latter and leaves him with many questions he has no answers for. This is meant to be a simple and calm interaction between both of them, while also showing the fact that… well, Nechtan is really bad when it comes to being nice and making friends.

    A back and forth pendulum ft. Erik Dwight
    It’s not rare for Erik and Nechtan to run into each other when attempting to avoid people at pureblood gatherings. This time around, they end up meeting unexpectedly at his uncle’s library, where Nechtan has some thoughts regarding Moth and their friendship. As this develops, Nechtan is supposed to ask Erik about his own relationship, along with some of those questions mentioned in the previous thread summary.
Miscellaneous Threads
    Not quite a mystery ft. Raquel Dowling
    As it has happened in the past, Nechtan managed to once again damage his wand, and with his mother being far away in one of her usual trips, he seeks the help of the only other wandmakers he actually knows. Raquel happens to be a good friend of his mother, and just about the only professor he actual respects in the whole school. This thread displays a lot regarding Nechtan’s relationship with his own mother, along with the way he acts around some adults (in contrast with what was displayed previously in the Home Economics Class used for Beginner).

    Burning ice and painful acid ft. Shion Suzuki
    In a moment of distraction, Nechtan ends up crashing against Shion in a hallway, finding himself to be angry and annoyed when told to watch where he’s going. He does not take onto this very well, and reacts in his usual violent and aggressive manner. So, given that the previous threads are all with people Nechtan actually knows, is related to, or close with, I thought it would be good to display his interactions with a complete stranger, most particularly, one who managed to annoy him.
Commentary:
I decided to advance Nechtan in ranking now because I believe that he has developed quite a lot as a character since his last ranking. I really do enjoy writing him a lot, he’s a character that is very personal to me, and that has a very strong and unique voice.
I tried my best organize his arcs in the most understandable way possible, although as mentioned, they’re both still in development and there’s much more to see in both cases. On the other hand, I tried to provide as much variation in interactions as I could, while I did choose to exclude some threads that weren’t as developed or relevant to this particular ranking.
Mostly, I would appreciate to receive commentaries and thoughts on plots and arc development, while of course, any other feedback is more than welcome and appreciated. Thank you in advance ♡

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Moth Skelton is a true artist and that's why he drew this masterful portrait of Nech ❤
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Moth Skelton


[a memory] i'm not really sure how it goes


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Dec 30 2017, 03:50 AM   LINK Quote


Application Accepted!

Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.

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(permanent language/abuse mention warning: moth swears a lot when angry;
and he often references his abusive childhood in his inner monologue)

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